.15

"Lelouch, do you know why the snow is white? Snow is white, because it has forgotten what color it is supposed to be."~Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion

….

I just want to point out something. I think it is important to take a moment and just remember. Because it's been sometime and I think maybe you have forgotten some of the facts. That's okay, I know that we have strayed a bit from it. But they do need to be remembered.

I never wanted any of this to happen. That may or may not have been a lie.

I was a liar.

I was trying to be better.

There were many thing that I would be unable to stop from happening. Things that couldn't change, no matter how much I wanted them to. No matter how much I tried to prevent them from happening.

Somethings were just meant to be it seemed. Things that they wanted to stay the same. Things that probably needed to happen.

I wasn't able to stop the boy from leaving, from abandoning the village, from hurting my brother.

It hurt me to admit it, it hurt to think of my failure. Because I had tried so hard, I put so much on the line for it.

But it hadn't made a difference.

Maybe I need to explain and elaborate better here. Go into better detail, but first I needed to let you down easy. Because whatever you had been expecting here, whatever you thought was going to happen, it didn't.

The months leading up to the Sasuke retrieval arc were mostly uneventful for me. I was on suspension still, punishment for my refusal to join Anbu. So I was stuck doing menial task around the village. Which was dumb, but that is another story all together and we won't getting into that at this time.

I didn't do much but plot and spend time with my brother before I knew he would ultimately be leaving me.

Thinking about it wasn't really a good idea. Dwelling didn't really do me any justice. Because thre anything I was willing to do to change that. I knew better. My brother needed to leave.

So I mostly ignored my growing feelings, ran massages for the new Hokage and did small fuinjutsu projects around the village. It made the time go by rather slowly if you asked me.

Naruto and I hung out when we could, which admittedly wasn't that much with all the mission he went on. I saw Haku and Shishou even less, they were both always gone. It was rather irking to me.

So the months leading up to that arc were boring and not worth mentioning beyond this point. Even the arc itself didn't hold much interest for me once I realized that all my plotting was for nothing. The boy still left.

It was a hard dose of humility for me. I thought that I could do everything, I thought that I could force this world to subject to my wills. I was wrong.

This world could not be forced to do anything that it didn't want to do.

Because regardless of what I wanted to believe but knew ultimately to be false, I was not a god. I didn't have sovereign control over this universe.

I was just a single girl who only wanted her brother to be happy.

And that wasn't always enough.

Of course I did try, I wanted to do my very best to alter things as I saw fit. For my own selfish desires. But it did not always go according to plan. That's life for you, because when you think you have everything figured out that's when the higher power comes by and throws a wrench into you plans. Or knocks over your card tower, or whatever other metaphor there was.

That higher power and I, well we did not exactly see eye to eye on many things. Or anything. Because it felt like with everything that I changed, the next alteration was even harder to make. As if this deity was there laughing at my efforts the whole damn time.

Because only the foolish ever claimed to be able to touch god. And I sure whatever that higher power was, well he was more than likely sick of my meddling. Or he just like to see me suffer.

Perhaps both.

Why else would I have been reincarnated into this world, where I knew almost everything? If not to change those meaningless lesson learned through pain. I could prevent much of their suffering, but to do so, I had to struggle. Or perhaps I was wrong, about everything, about my purpose here in this universe.

There were still many things that I had not yet figured out.

But I found myself uncaring of all, because I had people who counted on me and people who I counted on in this life.

I had not had that before, and I wasn't going to squander it now even if it meant I had to struggle, to suffer. It was a price I had always been willing to pay.

Spoiler alert! I did suffer.

Many times over, actually.

But I was happy too.

If it meant that my brother didn't have to. If I could spare him some pain.

If I could ease the hardship of his life. Even if just a little.

I was more than happy too.

It was the purpose of everything that I had ever done, up until now.

Because for so long, I had put myself aside. Put my feelings, and my humanity aside. Just so I could spare him the burden. Ease his suffering, even if for only a moment.

It was in doing all this, locking my emotions away, becoming this thing, this unfeeling, uncaring creature that I forgot one of the most important truths. I forget, no, I chose not to remember, that I am indeed human. I wanted so badly to be the highest power, I wanted to shoulder the burden alone. To believe that I was invincible and that nothing could hurt me.

I was wrong. I had always been wrong.

What I forgot, what I let slip from my mind, fall out of my grasp. I forget the importance of actual human connection.

Of course I do realize that this does contradict with many of the things that I have already stated. With several of the facts, but that is the way it goes. This is the way of life.

Hindsight, is everything.

It is why this arc that I have skimmed over is so important. Because it made me realize what exactly I have been avoiding. Everything that happened, everything that I couldn't prevent from happing. All of it served for one purpose, and one purpose only.

It was a reminder.

A reminder of what I was, of who I am.

And the facts don't change, the truth of the matter is simple. It always had been.

I just had wanted to be more complicated than it was. I had looked at the situation through cracked lenses, with blurred vision. I had made it harder than it was supposed.

I was doing that with everything. Making even harder for myself.

I wanted to play god, the cards were stacked in my favor and I had fooled myself.

The truth.

The only truth.

The simplest fact in the universe. A fact I always wanted to ignore, to pretend that it wasn't true. Lies I wanted to believe. Because if I ignored this truth, If I ignored the facts staring me in the face and just continued to swallow my own lies. Settle for the falsehoods, then I could continue in my ignorance without any consequence.

But the truth it always caught to you, and it always came out.

I wanted to be god, but I wasn't even close.

I had never been close, I never would be.

The truth.

I am human.

I am human, I cannot claim to be of some higher power or to be some form of god. Even if sometimes I lead myself believe it. Create falsehoods to support is. I am human, a fragile, broken, deceitful human. Nothing would ever change that fact. Nothing could. I wasn't all powerful, wasn't completely all knowing, and I wasn't perfect.

Everything was falling apart in front me, my lies had finally caught up to me. I had deceived myself for so long, and it had finally caught me.

Remember, the person you hurt the most when you believed lies and lived in falsehoods. The person, was you.

XOXOX

I apologize for how long it has been since I updated last! I have been super busy with work, and life had been crazy.

I also apologize for not really going into detail about the Sasuke Retrieval arc, but this chapter was supposed to be more about the backlash of the arc vs the arc itself. Also everything would have played out exactly like it did in the manga/anime and I didn't feel the need to write any of it.

Mitomi wasn't a part of the group sent to stop him, a safety measure to insure that both jinchuriki's weren't out of the village on a dangerous mission at the same time. Also it was a part of her punishment for saying no to anbu.

We get back to the original writing style from chapter one here, with Mitomi just narrating everything with her clouded melancholy thoughts.

Yes this chapter is a bit hard to digest, but she has a lot of conflicting emotions and it's something that I want to express here. I think it's important that we remember that she is still human. A fragile human with actual feelings trying to play god. But a human nonetheless.

So thank you very much for reading! I don't know how soon the next update will come, but I do know that the next chapter will take place during the timeframe that Naruto is gone. Probably the next few chapters if I am honest.

As of the moment I'm not sure what I plan to do about the Fourth Shinobi war, or pretty much anything that follows Itachi's arc in Shippuden. I do know about how I plan to end this, but not all of the details to getting there.

Thank you so much! I am happy to hear from you guys!

Sincerely, La'Rae

As of this moment this chapter has not been proof read, I apologize for any mistakes.