.16
"This is just my opinion, but when it comes to teaching somebody discipline... I believe pain is the most effective way" ~Attack on Titan
...
A lesson learned through pain is not a lesson worth learning at all. It the very base of everything that I have done up to this point. All my struggles and suffering are because of this. Pain is a terrible teacher. Cruel to her pupils, uncaring of those who are already suffering. She comes in and takes, takes, and keeps taking.
Pain has no remorse.
Pain holds nothing back.
Pain is impossible to avoid.
The ultimate price.
A price I would pay over and over again, no matter how broken I would become, no thought of how far I would fall. Pain doesn't care. So long as someone pays the toll. It matters not whom or what they are going through.
Perhaps I am being a tad dramatic. I always did have a flair of it, I think at least. The time before now is becoming more and more of a distant blur. It is the ever familiar feeling of someone much taller than myself resting there arm on the top of my head that brings me from my melancholy.
It's Haku. His eyes are concerned, the emotion is easy to read. He always has some form of that look when I'm around. I think perhaps he worries for my mental health or something.
"What are you thinking about now?" A sigh escaped my lips at the question.
"The purpose of pain." He groaned in exasperation, then took a deep breath. Shishou rolled his eyes.
They were both back in the village for an unforeseeable amount of time and I was taking advantage of having them back by getting lost in thought over things that I really didn't have any sort of control over. "I think it's time to take a break." He tells us, with an almost amused expression.
Haku straightens himself upright, removing the offending limb from my head and shakes his head. I watch them both for a minute before pushing myself off the ground and dusting my dress off. Yes I said dress. It offered me a free range of movement, with split up both sides and the fact that it barely touched my knees. For the sake of everyone else I wore tight leggings under it.
But that really is beside the point. It didn't really matter what I wore if I could not spare the ones I loved from having to learn lessons from pain, from suffering.
Suffering was an equally terrible teacher.
Naruto had suffered enough already. We both had.
Shishou's hand ruffling the top of my head pulled me from my musing this time. His expression was hard to read but when I met his gaze he shook his head at me. "I saw your name on the active duty roster this morning." He tells me once we've all taken seats in a small tea house.
I had wondered when they were going to allow me back into the field, it had been months since my refusal to join anbu and almost a full year since Naruto had left with our godfather. My eyes widened in surprise. It was finally happening.
I was no longer going to be bound to this village. A caged bird, I could finally spread my wings and soar. There were so many things that I needed to do, groundwork that needed to be laid, plans that needed to be built, allies that needed to be made. Finally I was free.
"You've already been assigned a mission." There is an edge to his voice that halts me thoughts of freedom in their wake and crushes the dream before it every truly begins. He holds out a scroll to me, and with reluctant hands I take it from him.
It doesn't make sense. Why didn't I get a notice? "I'm leading it?" I finally ask after the second read through. It's a shocking bit of news, my first mission back in the field and I'm leading.
I was not cut out to be a leader! Hell I didn't even like most people and they didn't like me. Why did the Hokage think this was a good idea? This had to be some kind of trick. It just had to be.
Because if not, then this unsettled feeling in my gut. This deep pit of unease was bound to consume me. There no other way for this end, I could only see one outcome of me trying to be a leader.
Pain.
No other possibilities existed, just another lesson learned through pain.
It was the first time, in a long time, maybe even forever that I wished to be wrong. That I wanted to be proved wrong. Alas, things rarely ever go the way I want them to. The next bit was going to be even harder to swallow.
Because deep down, I knew, I always knew.
There was only one way this would go.
And I hated myself for it, because I couldn't do anything to prepare myself for what I was about to lose. For what was about to be taken from me, what pain was going to give me.
Suffering, and heartache.
Nothing more, and nothing less.
Always those two things.
I can distantly feel a hand patting my shoulder, as if trying to reassure me that everything would fine. That this premonition that washed over me was nothing more than a lie. It was a lie I wanted more than anything to believe.
"Mitomi, everything is going to be fine. You'll do great. Besides we will be with you." His reassuring words fall on deaf ears, I couldn't believe him. I just had this feeling that I couldn't shake but I offer him the best smile I can and nod. I want to believe him…
Haku gives me soft smile, it gentle and kind and I don't deserve it. I never deserved it.
But I loved it, because besides him, no one other than Naruto had ever looked at me that way before. Which made everything that followed so much harder. The pain so much deeper. It would tear me apart and then beat me down.
Pain, had no sympathy for the broken or lost.
It terrible teacher, who took, and took, and kept taking. No matter the cost.
I hated pain.
XOXOX
WHOA! I am so excited to have finally finished this chapter! It have been working on it since before the last update and have rewritten it more times than I can count. You guys I am so pumped for what is to come next!
So please let me know what you think! You know I love hearing from you!
This chapter has not been beta'd so I apologize for any mistakes.
Sincerely, La'Rae