.17

"I too, was looking for something. Something real in this world. For me, it was the warmth of your hand."~ Sword Art Online

…

It all happening way to fast. Time has stopped moving around me, but everyone else keeps going forward. The conclusion comes quickly, comes unapologetically, and it's terrible.

We'd been in the field for over a month, gathering intel to make sure this extraction went off without a hitch. I thought if I made sure that I had everything planned to the tee that I could ignore the feeling still deep in my gut, that feeling of uncertainty. But I was right, even though I had wished so desperately to be wrong.

"HAKU!" My throat burns as his name echoes around the clearing. The image of his lifeless body falling over the side of the cliff etched forever in my mind. In the mist of it all, I freeze and a feeling of helplessness crashes into me at full force. Knocking me of kilter, and sudden realization sets in.

No, no, no... This wasn't happening. This wasn't supposed to happen. I never wanted any of this!

And it was in that moment, a moment fueled by self-loathing and desperation. That for the first time in my entire life I lost control.

Of everything.

I thought I had become strong, I thought I could protect the ones that I love. That I was better than this. I had known better than this.

But knowing, and acceptance are two very different things.

I saw nothing but red, the future the one I wanted to protect and to change it didn't matter then. Nothing mattered.

No one matter.

Not if I couldn't even save just one person whom I had come to love. Come to care for.

In the distance, somewhere far past what I can hear I know he calling to me. Desperately trying to get to stop, trying to stop me. But it is too late.

Maybe it always had been.

Haku was dead.

I had just watched him die.

I never wanted that.

"MITOMI!" Someone yells my name.

But there is no point now.

I don't care anymore.

Perhaps I never had.

My vision is clouded, my blood boiling, my lungs heavy. I can faintly hear a bubbling noise as a clock of red surrounds me. It's different from any time before that I have used his chakra. It's darker, thicker, it is the promise of death.

This is not a conscious transformation. It is not me working with the fox. No the fox has taken over, and I cannot find it in myself to even care.

You know you want too. I was suddenly face to face with the fox.

He was not wrong.

I wanted them to feel my pain.

I wanted them to hurt like they have hurt me.

I needed them to cower in fear, like I have of them.

I ignore the tears streaming down my cheeks, my fingers brush faintly against the seal. They deserved this, they always had.

Killing Haku had been the last straw.

So why couldn't I rip away the seal?

Why couldn't I unleash my justice?

My fingers are hocked under the corner. It would be so easy. All of my pain would just go away.

I wanted it too.

I was so tired.

It is a hand grabbing my wrist that causes me to snap. It brings from the loss and it reminds of who I am.

Because I know this hand, I knew this chakra.

Even if I had only ever felt it once, I would never forget it. I would never allow myself to forget it.

Daddy.

This was his hand, his chakra. It was his last defense, for us.

It is with tearful eyes that I meet his gaze. His smile so much and yet so different than my brother's. So gentle, kind. Things that I had never been.

Never could be.

"You don't want to do that." He tells me, and I want to believe him.

But I did not know what I wanted. I never had. Maybe I never would.

"You don't know me. You never got to know me!" My voice croaked on the words horse from the crying. Why was I so angry? He didn't deserve it, this wasn't his fault.

But I couldn't help it.

This man, who gave his life to protect that village, who sealed this demon inside me and my brother, this man was my father. I had known this my entire life. I knew him, but he had never gotten to know me.

So how would he know what I did or did not know? When I didn't even know myself.

"I know, and I am sorry." Slowly carefully, he wraps his arms around me pulling me close. Holding me, comforting me.

My best friend, the only person besides my brother to ever understand me had just died. He was gone. Forever.

I let the Yondaime hold me, I do not turn away this offered comfort. This is what I have always needed. He wipes the tears from my eyes and brushes the stuck hairs from my cheeks.

"Why? Why do this us? What did we do to deserve this?" It hurts, so much, this pain, this feeling of desperation. These things that I have always struggled with. They were destroying me.

"Why?" It is nothing more than a quiet whimper.

I had to know.

I needed to know.

"Because I knew you could handle it. Because you are my child, my daughter." His hand brushes down the lengths of my hair and he pulls me just a little bit closer.

"Because I wanted to protect you, wanted something to keep you safe. Because I knew it wasn't going to be me." My ragged breathing begins to settle, and I am able to meet his eyes for the first time in several seconds.

"Because I love you, I always have Mitomi." I realize then that we are in my field, there is a warm breeze in the air, and the sun is shining.

I take a moment once he has let me go to rub my eyes and to look around. How had we gotten here?

I don't think that it really matter.

"So I am sorry, that it has hurt you so much, I am so terribly sorry." His expression is sincere, his eyes still kind. I drop my hand from my eyes to really look at him.

"I know, I think I have always known." It is a quiet admittance and a sudden tiredness settles over me, I fall to the ground. Letting my hands feel the warm grass. He sits next to me, and I lean into his side letting my heavy head rest on his shoulder.

Someone to share the burden with.

He puts his arm around me and holds me a little longer. Because we both know it won't last forever, that this time is limited.

"You don't have to apologize. I'm sorry too." For the resentment, for the lies, for everything. Words I cannot say but I know he knows. He places a small kiss to the top of my head.

"We are very similar I think." I nod my head, because perhaps he is right, perhaps he always was. Besides I could see it too.

It was so clear to me now.

"You are a good girl, who has tried to shoulder too much on her own for too long, I know how that feels. I also know that you have several people who want to help you, if you would just give them the chance."

And for the first time in what seems like a very long time, I smile a true smile. A genuine smile. He was right.

"Thank you." I snuggled a little deeper into his side, to cherish this feeling, to implant the feeling into my brain. I wanted to remember this.

To never forget how it felt to be held by someone who loved you unconditionally.

To be held by a loving father.

"You know what has to be done now, I know you've put it together." I nod my head. I did know.

"They will never stop, they will always come after us. But we will protect each other. Like we always have." He ruffles the top of my hair in a manor I'm sure he knows I hate, but I can't find it in me to really care.

"I know you will. I have faith in you Mitomi." Our time was ending, I could feel his chakra begin the fade. I needed him to know, or else I would regret it.

"I love you." There are tears in my eyes again but they are not from pain, these are simply tears of happiness. It is an odd feeling to cry while being happy.

Something I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

"I love you too my child, be safe." He fades away, his chakra flickers out of existence like our favored technique.

Time to face the music of what destruction I have reaped.

It is not as bad as I thought it would be.

The enemy is definitely dead, but shishou and the others in our squad are mostly uninjured. He holds out his hand to me a strange look in his eyes. "Gomen shishou." I am pulled to my feet, my eyes search the destroyed valley for any sign of my friend. Any sign that maybe he had survived.

It is not the case.

I turn to look at shishou, pleading tearful eyes. He nodded his head. "We'll bring him home." All I can manage is a nod, I know words will fail me.

It is hours later after we have sealed Haku's body away and are returning to the village when I have finally mustered up the courage to speak. To ask just how bad was it.

"How many of the tails did I have?" His eyes remain forward, I'm almost afraid that he will ignore me. Even if that would be hard considering shishou is carrying me on his back.

"Eight, I wasn't able to stop it. Luckily you didn't hurt any of our men. I am sorry." I am quiet for a moment, I don't know the right words to say. His guilt is easy for me to feel. Even though he shouldn't have been feeling that way. But I understand what he means.

"It's not your fault." It's nothing but a soft whisper, but it's true and I mean it. My head falls then, resting on his shoulder. He ignores the sobs that escape and lets me cry silently.

It may not have seemed like it, but Haku was my closest friend. I needed him and now he was gone. The worst part is that this is all my fault.

I knew better.

I never wanted any of this to happen.

I never wanted to have to feel this kind of pain.

I never wanted to lose the ones I love.

But I never really got what I wanted.

XOXOX

OMG! Too chapters in one day! That hasn't happened in a while. I am so sorry! Please forgive me.

I actually cried when I wrote this chapter (two months ago). Yeah this has been written since chapter ten or so. I'm sorry.

Please let me know what you think!

Sincerely, La'Rae