.18

"Maybe... just maybe, the light can reach even the bottom of a dark ocean."~ Your Lie in April

….

I need to say this, I think, that deep down I always knew that there was a possibility for this. That there was small chance that I cared, about them, about what they thought of me. It was that small part that I had tried to so incredibly hard to keep buried. To ignore.

Until Haku.

I know you probably don't understand, with how my narration has been going. It's because I chose not to give detail, forget include the heartwarming, and human aspects of the story. So far I feel as if I could only give you the facts and nothing else. Because up until now that's all this really has been, just facts of how I got here, of what I was willing to do.

They haven't changed. They've just shifted now, everything is just a little of center. The waves have crashed into the shore, lashing out against the banks. That's how it is now, and I think maybe it's time to get to the reality of it.

I never wanted to care. That had never been my intention, it's why everything has been told like this. All I wanted was for people to think that I had no heart, that I was nothing but a semblance of a human. Perhaps I had you fooled, if only for a moment.

But that mask is scattered around me, falling into millions of tiny pieces. Shattering like frail glass it was. I don't notice at first, because the first piece fell many years ago. So I take no notice as the pieces begin to crack and break away, not until Haku. It only then that I realize how far I've broken. How I have truly fallen, the extent of how much I actually felt come to light.

It is agony, pure and utter agony. My heart feels as if it's being torn to shreds, as if I am being held underwater. Drowning. With no chance to ever break the surface.

That's what it feels like, the knowing you gave your all to try fruitlessly to protect those you love and to fail. It is the exposer of a lie, a falsehood finally falling. I never forget this pain.

It follows me for the rest of my life. Like a dark cloud hanging over head.

In time I hope it becomes easier to bear, but for now I struggle and the day by day gets seemingly more difficult.

So I retreat into myself for a time, further than I ever have before. I allow myself to be buried in missions that take me outside of the village. In time I become a hollow of what I once had been.

Sleep comes sparsely, and is always riddle with nightmares. Fears, of what further failure will cause and shadows of delusions. Echoes of a life not fully lived.

Life spins on. It is relentless, and I hate it.

I distance myself from everyone who cares, because over the years there have been a few additions to the small list. For months following the death I live only like this, there is no other way to live.

I can no longer see the future that I want to save, just the past days that now haunt me. There a part of me that no longer wishes to see it.

I am reminded of time long gone, from a lifetime that may or may not have existed.

That thought is pushed away before I can allow myself to steep on it. There is no telling what going to that place will do to my already damaged psych. So it is best if we just leave it be.

A distractions comes easily enough with the approaching checkpoint and ultimate reentry to the village. The gates loom in the distance, towering over the tree tops, which says something considering how tall the trees in the Land of Fire actually were. My pace slows, no matter how much of a hurry you were in it was never a good idea to come up to fast on the gates.

The Anbu guarding didn't really appreciate it. Or so I've been told. With time to spare my feet hit the compact dirt path silently, reminding me of what I am.

By the time I reach the check in point, my mission scroll and I.D. are already out. I don't feel like talking to the two chunin on gate duty and if I am not prepared they will try to make small talk. Sometimes they do anyway, it seemed like today was going to be one of those days.

"They sure keep you busy." The males name escapes me but I nod in lieu of the words I don't feel the need to spare. He scribbles something in the log and with a few more pleasantries allows me to continue.

I don't miss the whispers he gets from his partner but I sure as hell pretend to.

Some things never really changed.

I guess I hadn't really expected them to. Not when I myself had not made any effort for them to think differently of me. Perhaps I really didn't want things to change.

A reluctant sigh falls from my lips. Even after all this time I was still living in my lies. Or trying to at least. What I did during those months immediately following the death of Haku I wouldn't necessarily consider living, I did not come close to what living was supposed to be. I simply just existed in my grief.

I won't tell you that it worked, the constantly being gone, but It did help distract me from the pain. Being in the village hurt more than it should have. The pitying looks from those who knew what I had lost were more haunting than the sneers and hateful looks that I had received before.

I don't need there pity, but I cannot escape it either.

I am so overtaken by my own thoughts that I don't notice them, there is no point trying to lie about it either. My emotions are high and I have already begun the downward descent. So no I do not see them, I do not move to get out of the way, and we collide.

"Easy there." A pair of arms enclose around me, to keep me steadied. It's familiar, it's warm and it hurts more than anything because we both knew the truth.

I was avoiding him. Had been for months. There was no denying it, no lie to avoid this truth. Just the facts.

We were both hurting.

And it was all my fault.

A silence encased in tension follows. It was a sad and concerning thought, Shishou had always been my safe place and now I didn't even know how to act around my own teacher. Behind his mostly expressionless face and careless façade I knew he cared for me. But now everything was all wrong.

As I stated before, it was all different now.

"Are you heading out?" Words find me after another elongated moment of strained silence. I won't deny my worry here, or my feelings. Even though I had been ignoring them I knew I stilled cared.

The roles have taken on a reverse here and Shishou nods head in response, eying me almost wearingly. It is hard tell what is going in his head, harder than it has ever been. I hate it.

There is no more to the conversation, just a farewell pat to my shoulder and a quick nod of goodbye. I am left standing alone in the hallway, wondering, dreading, and anxiously waiting for the water to rise. The feeling of drowning is present again, it harder to push away.

I put one foot in front of the other and continue on my way. Desperately trying to will the sensation away. All I want is for all of this to be undone, I didn't want to feel like this anymore.

Helpless.

I felt helpless.

The downward spiral had begun long ago, and the bottom would be fast approaching now. The left here was the inevitable impact on the harsh ground.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what would come of it, what exactly would happen once I reached the ground.

How many times more could put myself back together and still be me?

Honestly I didn't know if I'd even be able to that. Or if I was already too far gone.

XOXOX

This chapter just came out of nowhere! I apologize for how depressing it is, but the next chapter will be a little easier to swallow as we get into actual story telling too. WOOT WOOT!

So please let me know what you think!

Please forgive any errors in the writing I don't have a beta and I haven't proof read this myself either. So my apologies.

Thanks to everyone who has favorited/commented/ and followed this story! You guys are the best.

Have a great day!

Sincerely, La'Rae