.25
"The two of us aren't so different. My whole life I've desired from others. I felt bitter to the people around me and I closed off my heart...and a heart that lets nothing in..will become empty before you realize it. But in this world, you'll sometimes meet meddlesome people who will, even without asking, give you the love you need. And for someone like you or me, meeting such a person is very blissful." ~Citrus
…
If you still have hope that this somehow all works out for me, that there is some form of greater power out there that someone somewhere is looking out for me. Then you're sorely mistaken. There is no greater power, no guardian angel, no one to save me. There never has been. Not in this life or the last.
And if there were, if this greater power actually existed and that is a huge IF. Then they are a gigantic asshole. I have lived my entire life looking out for myself, protecting myself, guarding myself, and they have never shown their face not even once. If they are there out than they are too late.
I cannot be saved. I am not savable.
There is no end where this works out for me. Because it is not about me, I do not matter. It has always been about him. It will always be about him. He can be saved, he can be good, they will love him, and they will accept him.
There is still a chance for him.
There has to be.
Because if there's not one, if he has no chance. Then everything I have ever done will be all for nothing. My pain, for nothing, my tears, my blood, all it for nothing. I cannot allow that to happen. If he has no chance, then we are all doomed.
I save him.
That has to be enough. Because it is the only chance I've got.
No, no it's not.
It can't be.
This cannot be my only chance. No.
Then it hit me, hard, fast, and merciless. The truth. The undeniable truth.
I am not this selfless. I'm not selfless, I'm not kind, this is not who I am. This is not who I have ever been.
Yes I still wanted to save him, to protect him, I wanted that more than anything. But at some point something had to give.
Because I am selfish, I am. Everything I have ever done has been done to feed my own desire. Naruto would have never wanted any of this for me. He would hate that I suffering because of him. My brother if he knew he would have told to stop, to take care of myself first.
Because he is that selfless, that kind, that good. I could never be that good.
I want to be selfless, I want to be like him, I want for all this to be true. I wanted to be able to say that I was okay with everything that has happened. That it didn't matter to me what happened to me, that everything was fine. I wanted this so badly, that I forgot who I am.
That's the truth. I have no idea who I am anymore.
Perhaps I never really have.
These doubts don't leave me as I make way to the gate. They don't leave once I arrive, and they don't leave as I am face to face with my companion for this trip. I know my feelings are all over my face, I know that I look terrible, how could I not? I could see my reflection, I knew.
Of course I knew. I always knew.
His eyes are concerned, it's an easy emotion to read. It looks a lot like pity. I have to remind myself that it probably isn't. Shikamaru has no idea what is going on inside my head. No one knew that.
We don't speak, not for a long time. I think that maybe he can see that there is something wrong. That there are things that I have to deal with before I am ready to speak. We've got until mid-day tomorrow to go over mission details so there is time. Time to let me fester in my own head. To stew on my thoughts.
Suna is a least a two day trip.
I have a great amount of respect for the brunette. Really I do, because it takes a great deal of trust to allow someone to work through their own issues. You trust them. You trust that they know what they needed. Right now I needed silence, and he could tell that. He was giving me that.
It was a kindness that I hadn't been given in a long time.
No one else had given me that. They all just kept poking, trying to get me to break trying to get some sort of reaction from me. I knew they meant well, I'm not that arrogant or stupid. But it just wasn't what I needed right now.
I needed my solidarity, I needed to figure this out on my own. Of course I was still willing to do whatever was necessary. Even if what was necessary made my brother hate me, I would still do it. That wouldn't change. But did I really need to lose myself in the process?
No, no I don't.
I could still be me, I could be better and still do what was necessary. I didn't have let go of my humanity to do so, I just have to remember that.
Life isn't fair, that's fine. It doesn't have to be fair. The rules do not have to matter either though. These are things that I have already accepted.
I wanted too much. The sudden realization hits me. This startling realization hits so hard that it actually surprises me and my foot doesn't make solid contact with the next branch. I fall, this is not metaphorical either. It is a real physical fall from an ungodly height, and there aren't any branches close enough to jump too or catch myself on.
This is going to hurt.
The pain never comes. I never hit the bottom.
He catches me. It's very strange, this feeling, well actually all of the onslaught of feelings I am now suffering from. It's a weird mix of everything and it burns inside my veins. I am not overly found of it at that moment.
It makes me feel week.
Shikamaru lands us safely on the forest floor. He doesn't let go until my feet are firmly planted in the dirt.
Suddenly I feel very exposed and a bit embarrassed. His eyes are filled with concern. It makes me a little sick. Not many people have given me that look and meant it.
"Are you alright?" He sounds sincere, there is no snide remark to follow or sarcastic undertone. Just sincerity.
His question hits a little more than it should, probably because of the thoughts that wouldn't leave.
Am I alright?
The simple answer was yes, that I was fine. The answer I should have given, what I would have given had this been any other day. If he was any other person. If I actually believed he would believe that. We both knew that that answer was most certainly a lie.
So instead, I offer a more complex answer. For myself at lease. One that I maybe believed to be true. "I will be. Thanks."
I realized that none of it really mattered. Not if I died while over thinking all of it. I had to move forward. I'd put too much work into all of this just to fail because of my own insecurities.
I had to let it go. Or else the king would fall and I would never allow that to happen.
"Good we can take a break if you need it, I'm sure they want you in one piece when we get there." I give a nod while pulling a water canteen from a scroll.
"Sure, a few minutes won't hurt." There is an odd look in his eyes, but I don't pay in any more attention than need be. Whatever it is, it will be okay.
"Take as long as you need." He tells me. The look gone.
Everything was going to be alright. I could do this.
Suddenly, I am no longer Atlas holding the entire weight of the sun. The burden on my shoulders a little lighter, the burning sensation a little softer, it is a huge relief. I haven't felt this free, not in a very long time. For some reason it feels as if there is someone lending a shoulder, sharing the sun. I get this sudden thought, it scares me just a bit, but perhaps I am not alone.
This thought comforts me. It's strange to feel like this, I can't remember a time when I have felt like this. But if I'm being honest, I rather like it.
And I can't help it. I don't think I want too either.
I smile.
XOXOX
This chapter man, this chapter. Oh my gawd! Finally! Character growth! If I do say so myself. It is about damn time. Moody Mitomi is not easy to write and everything is just about to start changing! You guys I'm so so excited about this. If you could just see what I have stuck in my head for this, and I can't wait to share it with all of you! Please let me know what you think!
I can't wait to hear from you:D
Thank you for taking your time and reading this, you guys are amazing!
Sincerely, La'Rae