The chapter in which Rosalie run's a lot lol
I was inspired to write this chapter by a song. Born without a heart by Faouzia. It fits Rosalie perfectly as well as the general tone to the chapter.
Trigger warning-rape is mentioned towards the end of the chapter
Rosalie had originally been dreading going back to Dr. Miller. She couldn't hide behind convenient lies anymore. Dr. Miller would definitely know if she was not telling the truth. Merely by the fact that she obviously knew everything about vampires. Also because vampires have exceptionally good memories so she could immediately bring her up on inconsistencies.
However, after a few sessions she settled in quite nicely. It turned out that being able to vent to someone about all the annoying things your family did, worked wonders. She didn't have to monitor her thoughts, mask her feelings or try to be unpredictable. She could just unload on Dr. Miller everything that was annoying her that day.
And good God was that refreshing.
At one point she had actually started to refer to her as Gillian. There was no longer the need to keep a professional distance like there was with Dr 'call me Gregory' Stevens.
It felt good to have someone on her team. Sure, she loved her family but she often felt like they were only on her side when it suited them.
"So what you're telling me, is that you have one brother who can read your thoughts, another one who can know exactly what you are feeling and a sister that can predict every choice you make?" Gillian asked skeptically.
"Yep" said Rosalie, her lips popping on the 'p'.
She was trying to reiterate just how crazy her household was. Obviously she had become used to it over the years. Almost to the point that it seemed normal. But when she said it out loud she realised just how weird it was
"And is that something that they can control or is that just a constant thing?"
"As far as I know they can't turn it off. Unless they're lying to me just to be annoying." she did not believe that but she would not put it past them. They were annoying. "I usually throw them off by thinking dirty thoughts. They start to scatter very quickly."
"Interesting strategy" Gillian laughed "But if it works, it works."
"Now, I know they're your family and I'm sure you love them very much but how does it make you feel to be under the microscope like that?"
Rosalie let out a groan. "Ugh it's awful. Well not all the time. Most of the time it's fine but there will just be times when you didn't even realise that you've thought something and then suddenly they're arguing with you.
"Or Alice would just wander in and tell me not to do something when I only had the barest hint of an idea anyway. If I wasn't a vampire, I would be exhausted."
"Yes, I can imagine. Living in a house with no privacy must be tremendously difficult." said Gillian.
"Thank you."
"Even the most open of people need some time to think their own thoughts." Gillian sat up a bit straighter. "I think it would be beneficial for you to have a place of your own."
Rosalie's eyebrows drew together. Was she saying she should ditch her family?
"Not as a permanent thing mind you. I just think that there should be a secure place that is just your own. Whether that be an apartment somewhere or even just a nice overhang on a cliffside. Though, it would probably be nicer to be in an actual room. It would definitely be drier." Gillian chuckled.
"But the point is that it would be your space. Completely private where you can think your own thoughts and feel your own emotions without feeling like you are being monitored by anyone."
"We all need to be able to let our thoughts run free every once in a while. Especially considering that things often pop into our head that we don't actually want. These are intrusive thoughts and are almost always not what you actually believe. I imagine that someone hearing those and thinking that they were your true thoughts can be mentally exhausting." said Gillian.
Rosalie sat back in her chair and nodded. That made a lot of sense. Especially the intrusive thought part. There had been quite a few times recently when Edward had snapped at her. She would be looking at Bella and a sudden thought would pop into her mind. There were times when they were actually quite violent.
Like You could snap her arm like a twig or If you pushed her she would be crushed against the wall.
Now she didn't actually want to hurt Bella. The thought was repellent to her. She may not like her but that didn't mean that she wanted to hurt her.
In these circumstances her intrusive thoughts were more her brain telling her what could go wrong. Bella was human and fragile. Of course she could snap her arm like a twig. If anything, these thoughts were warnings.
Not that Edward saw it that way. When he heard them he instantly got angry. It took a good while to convince him that she didn't actually want to harm Bella in any way.
So having a place of her own actually sounded like a good idea. Even if it was only somewhere that she went to once a week. Obviously Emmett would always be invited, though. He wasn't one of the people she needed space from.
Esme would 100% be behind the decision. Especially if she got to help decorate the place.
oOo
Rosalie should have realised that it wouldn't be completely smooth sailing. That therapy wasn't just a chance for her to rant about her problems. She would also be exposed and asked difficult questions.
If only she had realised this beforehand. Then she wouldn't have been blindsided when it happened.
oOo
"I would say that you were quite a controlled person." said Gillian as she sat back in her seat. "Wouldn't you agree?"
She had to get up and draw the blinds as a brief stream of sunlight came through the window. Rosalie wasn't too bothered by it because Alice had warned her. The sun would be completely hidden by the time her session was through. So there was nothing to worry about.
"I would say so yes." she said with a smug kind of pride.
"Especially for a vampire." Gillian added.
"I have never fed from a human before."
"Ever?" said Gillian.
Rosalie shook her head and the hint of a smile curled at the corner of her lips. She liked it when people recognised her strengths.
"That is very impressive, Rosalie. A gold-star vegetarian if you will. Would you say that you pride yourself on that control?" asked Gillian.
Rosalie failed to notice the change in Gillian's tone when she asked the question. It had become more forward and careful. But she was still preening from the compliment.
"I would. It takes a lot of hard work and very few people recognise that."
Many in her family tended to forget that, other than Carlisle, she had the best restraint of all of them. It was something that she worked at every day.
"And what happens when you lose that control?" asked Gillian. Each word was level and sounded carefully chosen.
Rosalie stiffened. She had been leaning back in her chair, relaxed in Gillian's presence. But now she sat up straight.
Gillian noted Rosalie's change in demeanor but still persisted "When something happens to you that you cannot change or prevent. What happens then?"
Rosalie blinked. She found herself wanting to shift or fidget or Gillian's gaze. An unusual feeling, seeing as a vampire's default state was to become still as a statue.
Ever since she was turned, the thought of losing her control in any way was almost painful. It may have resulted in a few 'control-freak' comments through the years.
Rosalie looked down at her hands so that Gillian would not see any of the conflict in her eyes. She began to wring her hands together.
"Err I don't know…" she muttered, not wanting to give a true answer.
She just wanted Gillian to drop it. It's not as if she ever really lost control anyway. so this conversation was pointless.
However, Gillian clued into her uncharacteristically vague answer. Rosalie was usually very clear with her responses. Gillian immediately recognised that she had broached a tough subject. Instead of backing away, like she may have done previously, she felt like they had reached a point in which she could push Rosalie somewhat.
"How about an example?" said Gillian. "Your brother's newest relationship perhaps."
Rosalie was on her feet in an instant. Her eyes were wide and alarm bells had reached a fever pitch in her mind. If she had a heart it would have been pummeling against her chest with the force of a sledgehammer.
How?! How did she find out? Rosalie was fighting the urge to flee. An urge that made her want to grit her teeth in anger. What was she going to do? Would she rat them out?
"What? I don't..I don't know what you mean" she tried to say it nonchalantly but it ended up being spat through bared teeth.
"Oh don't worry dear, I won't be telling anybody. Your secret is perfectly safe with me. I take confidentiality very seriously. As long as all concerned parties are consenting then I don't think it is my place to get involved" Gillian raised a hand as if trying to placate Rosalie.
She felt a brief moment of relief with Gillian's words. However, she refused to relax her posture in any way. Now she was on edge and ready to flee at any second.
Gillian persisted even though Rosalie was no longer sitting down. "Now, back to the matter at hand. How does this relationship make you feel? He is doing something very dangerous. Something that could potentially bring harm to you or your family and you cannot control it. How does that make you feel?"
A faint tremor began to build in Rosalie's hands. She tried to curl them into fist but the shake didn't go away. Her eyes burned into Gillian's. The air in the room became tense as she glared at her. Well on Rosalie's side anyway. Gillian was as unflappable as ever and did not appear to be affected in any way.
"Angry." she spat.
Her voice wavered in a very unvampirelike way. Enough for Rosalie to notice it and hate it. How dare she affect me like this.
"How do you usually cope when you get angry?" Gillian asked.
Her mind was suddenly filled with the images of blood. Clinging to her hands. Staining her clothes.
Whenever her anger got too much she would go hunting. Only, when she was angry her control all but vanished. She would tear into those poor creatures like a savage. Ripping them apart limb from limb until what was left over barely resembled the animal it had once been.
A monster. In those moments she couldn't be anything but. What kind of sick person could mutilate an animal like that unless they were a monster.
The shake in her hands grew more pronounced. "Badly." she said after a while.
"Like when you pushed Drew into the lockers?" Gillian inquired.
Her face was blissfully neutral and Rosalie wanted to tear it right off.
"I guess." said Rosalie.
"And is it only anger you feel in those moments?"
"Yes," Rosalie said all too quickly. "I mean, yeah. Just angry."
"So you don't get scared at all?"
"No! I'm not scared. I don't get scared." Rosalie urged.
Though at this point it was more like she was trying to convince herself. Gillian looked very unconvinced by Rosalie's pleading.
"Not even a little bit?" Gillian tilted her head. "You are dealing with the unknown here. These situations can cause a great deal of fear in anybody. Do you think, perhaps, that this heavy anger that you are feeling might stem from this fear?"
Rosalie tried to scoff but it sounded hollow even to her own ears.
"Maybe this lack of control actually makes you feel very scared. And the feeling of being scared is so repellent to you that it makes you angry."
Rosalie backed up. "Shut up. You're wrong. You don't know me."
"You lose control and become scared. Which makes you angry. Which ultimately leads you to lose control. Thus perpetuates a cycle. Acknowledging your fear will be a great first step in helping to overcome it."
Rosalie was done listening.
She fled.
The sun had only just gone behind the clouds when she ran out of the building. But at that moment she wouldn't have cared. She just needed to run.
Soon she was completely enveloped by the surrounding forest. But she did not feel the relief she normally felt while she was in there. It was usually her safe place but now she was in panic mode.
Her thoughts were spiraling and even her breathing had increased. A strange circumstance considering that she didn't actually need to breathe. Some innate instinct left over from her human self must have still been linking panic with heavy breathing. Which she wouldn't have minded-if she could actually get herself to stop.
Instead it just seemed to be exacerbating her already fragile mental state.
She was not scared.
She never got scared. That was a pretty big thing she had decided when she was turned. Rosalie had vowed to herself that she would never be scared by anyone or anything again. She was the epitome of strength and beauty and speed. Under no circumstances would she ever need to be afraid again.
Because if she was afraid...
...If she was scared then people like Royce won. It allowed a part of him to still affect her. And she simply could not have that.
Why won't my hands stop fucking shaking?!
Rosalie let out a feral, animalistic roar and smashed her fist through a tree. It splintered like a toothpick around her hand, throwing sharp pieces of wood across the forest floor. Like shrapnel. Some of them pierced her clothes but obviously didn't pierce her skin. The whole thing came crashing down with a mighty crack.
Thankfully it helped to lessen the tremors in her hands. Tremors that, rightly, should not really be possible. She was a vampire after all and vampires don't shake.
Rosalie couldn't believe that she let Gillian get that much into her head that even her vampire instincts had been thrown out the window.
By the time that she got back home she was mostly under control again. She charged through the front door to find people already there once again. She could see that a habit had started to form and she did not like it one bit.
Alice must have seen her meltdown and told everyone. A fact that made Rosalie want to rage.
"I'm not going back, you can't make me." Rosalie growled.
"Rosalie what's wrong? What happened?" Carlisle's tone was fatherly and concerned.
"I'm not doing this anymore, I'm done. She can rot in hell for all I care." She couldn't believe that she had actually grown to like her. The woman had just been biding her time to pounce on her.
"Babe, are you okay?" Emmett tried to reach for her but she shoved his hand away.
"No, I'm done. I just want to leave this god forsaken place"
Rosalie just wanted to write off Forks completely. Strike it from the record and act like they had never even been here. Even she knew that was over kill but right now she didn't care.
"Rosalie you know we can't leave." Edward piped up from the back of the room.
He had Bella half hidden behind his back protectively. The fact that Bella was here to witness her like this only caused her fury to rise.
"And if you stop going to therapy then the principal will start becoming harder on all of us. He'll stop us from not coming in when the sun's out." Alice also chimed in.
Rosalie took a step backwards as if she had been slapped. "The only reason you want to stay is because of her." She pointed directly at Bella and glared. Edward tucked her further behind him.
Rosalie turned her glares to everyone else. "You don't care about what I'm going through, at all. I'm the person who has to deal with this, not you. If Bella wasn't in the picture we'd be fine."
She knew that wasn't strictly true. Bella had not been involved in Rosalie being sent to therapy. However, she was currently the obstacle stopping her from escaping.
"That's not fair Rosalie. Bella didn't have anything to do with this." said Edward.
Rosalie took another step back. They weren't on her side at all. None of them wanted to consider her opinion. She never felt so alone.
"You all think I'm selfish. Like I only ever care about myself. I can see it in your eyes. You think I'm a heartless bitch."
Rosalie stormed back out of the house, smashing the door on her way out. She barely registered the sound of breaking glass over the roaring in her ears. Once again she was running away into the forest.
The shake in her hands was back with full force and she just wanted to scream. So she did.
Screamed so much that the sudden presence of an arm around her nearly made her jump out of her skin. She hadn't noticed Emmett's arrival until he was literally right next to her. He brought her into a bone crushing hug, tucking her head under his chin.
Rosalie didn't push him away this time instead she allowed herself to be held. Her nose brushed his neck and she inhaled deeply. His sweet scent never failed to have a calming effect on her. After a few moments she felt her muscles loosen and her body start to relax.
"I'm always on your side, Rose. Remember that." he said into the top of her head. Then he pulled back so that he could see her. "Babe, look at me please."
Rosalie raised her head and saw the worry in his eyes.
"I don't think you're heartless. I know you better than anyone. You care so much that you sometimes feel like you're gonna explode. If you didn't care about others then I wouldn't be here." said Emmett.
That was right in a way. If Rosalie hadn't cared she would have never stopped that bear from attacking Emmett. Would never have carried him all that way.
"We can go off on our own if you like." said Emmett "We haven't done that in a while. Maybe we can get married again."
Rosalie smiled at that. "I would like that."
Could she really just leave? If her and Emmett left out of the blue there would definitely be repercussions. Carlisle would have to come up with an explanation about why two of his children had suddenly gone missing. It would cause a big stir and the rumour mill could be going crazy.
No screw them. They can deal with it. She was no longer going to care about them. If they weren't on her side then she would not even feel an ounce of guilt about it.
oOo
Rosalie decided that she wanted to tell Gillian to her face. She wanted to go over there and tell her that she wasn't going to come back. It felt like she needed to say it in person. Also, she would be lying if she said that she didn't want an argument.
Emmett went back home to gather some things together. He wanted to come with her but Rosalie told him that she would be fine on her own. It was nearly nightfall when she returned to the therapist building. Luckily it seemed that Gillian hadn't packed up for the evening yet. She was still in her office.
Rosalie slipped through the building undetected. Most of the people that worked there had already gone home. The only people Rosalie could hear was a cleaner and one other therapist typing away at his computer.
Rosalie barged her way into Gillian's office. The woman in question was packing her file away. She paused briefly as Rosalie entered. As unruffled as ever.
Her eyes held concern and she gave Rosalie a reassuring smile. "Rosalie, I'm surprised to see you back."
Rosalie froze. She had been so ready to shout. To tell her that she was leaving and never coming back. But now that she was here the words stuck in her throat. Her lips refused to move.
When Gillian looked at her something in her broke.
She couldn't leave. How did she ever think that she could? As much as she wanted to she couldn't just leave her family to deal with all the crap it would involve.
She pretended like she wouldn't care. Rightly, she shouldn't. Why should she care about them if they didn't care about her?
But she did and it made her want to tear her hair out. One of her hands did tighten around her blonde locks.
"I came here to tell you that I wasn't coming back but I can't do it." Rosalie growled.
Gillian put her things down and walked around the desk until she was in front of it. "And why is that?"
"Because of my stupid family. Ugh! I can't just leave them to pick up the pieces. Despite all of this I still care about them." Rosalie took the hand out of her hair. Both fist clenched at her side.
"They all think I'm heartless. Like I'm some kind of ice queen that has never cared for anyone but herself.
"But they're all wrong. I wasn't always like this. I wasn't born without a heart. I was made into this. Even now, after everything I've been through I still feel so much. It drives me insane and I want to scream. I'd rather be without a heart than feel it get broken all of the damn time.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this". Rosalie stopped, breathing heavy.
She had started off at a normal volume but it had gradually gotten louder. Thankfully no one was around to hear her explosion.
"Then how was it supposed to be?" Gillian urged.
"I was supposed to be human. To grow up and be the woman I was always meant to be. To grow old with the man I love. I was supposed to have a husband who would love me. Who would kiss me on the cheek before he went to work. Who would always look out for me and protect me." Rosalie's voice cracked and she drew in a shaky breath.
Moisture began to pool in her eyes. Venom had a tendency to do that when she got upset. But she knew that they would never fall. Vampires don't cry.
"I was supposed to be a mom. To have a beautiful baby boy. To feel him grow inside me and bring him into this world happy and healthy. I was supposed to watch as he grew. Each milestone, each smile, each tantrum. I was going to be there for all of it. And no matter how old he got I would always be there for him. Because I would be his mommy and he would always need me."
It felt like her whole body was shaking now. Like all of her pent up emotions were coming out at once. The liquid in her eyes almost seemed like it was about to spill over.
"But it was all stolen from me." she spat through her teeth. "The loving husband I was supposed to have raped me, attacked me and left me for dead. Then Carlisle came along and I became this thing. This monster.
"I never asked for this. I never wanted to be this. He took my choice away from me. He took my control"
Now she loved Carlisle she truly did but she could never deny that he stole her agency from her that night. A part of her would never forgive him for that.
"I did everything right. I always took care of my appearance like my mom told me to. I got engaged to a seemingly good man with a good job. I would have been the perfect wife. But I still lost all of it.
I was beaten and broken and they blame me. They have the audacity to ask why I'm so selfish? Why I don't feel? I feel more deeply than any of them. It's not fair."
A drop of moisture landed on Rosalie's hand and she froze. Her breath cut off in a gasp. She reached up to her cheek with a shaky hand. Only to find it wet. Another tear trickled down her face and fell off her chin.
Rosalie gasped once more. I'm crying!
The realisation caused a sob to bubble up. The sensation of it was a shock to the system.
Gillian didn't even seem surprised. Though at this rate Rosalie wasn't even sure she could be surprised. She stood in front of Rosalie with a box of tissues outstretched in her hand.
This was all too much. Rosalie backed out of the room, out of the building. She didn't stop until she was surrounded by trees.
Vampires don't cry. Vampires don't cry.
Yet here Rosalie was, now sobbing her heart out. She almost laughed. What the hell is going on?
But there was one thing she couldn't deny. She couldn't deny just how good it felt. She had forgotten how good it could feel to just cry. To let all of her emotions out in one go. It was cathartic. It was a release she hadn't felt for so for over 70 years.
All of the emotions she had been feeling, when she blew up at Gillian, had been there for quite some time now. Just building up and never lessening. And now-while they were still there-she felt lighter somehow. Like it was no longer smothering her.
Rain began to pour and Rosalie turned her face towards it. She just stood there for a little while and allowed the rain water to mix with her tears.
We all need a good cry sometimes don't we and Rosalie has needed one for a long while now. She very much feels like the world is against her.
Also for the last bit, when Rosalie goes on about how she should have had a loving husband, I know she has Emmett now but she meant while she was human. She wasn't hating on Emmett in any way I promise.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.
I have a spotify playlist for this story if any of you are interested in listening. I've added a link in my bio x