Okay so it has been quite a while since my last update. I surprised myself by coming back to this actually. This chapter isn't the greatest but at least its something lol
So Rosalie decided to stay. Despite everything that had happened she would remain with her family. Though she could not bring herself to go home straight away. She hated the idea of having to face them. Not after she blew up so spectacularly.
She also wanted to have better composure when she eventually came back to them. Under no circumstances would they know that she had been crying. While the act had made her feel immeasurably better it wasn't for them to know about. They would only see her as a freak because it shouldn't be possible. She could already see Carlisle begging her to let him do some tests so he could find out what had happened to her.
And that was the last thing she wanted right now. So she was going to be tight lipped about the whole affair.
Emmett caught up with her at one point. She was mostly calm by then and the only moisture left on her face was the rain. He had several large duffle bags balanced across his back like some kind of insane hiker. Obviously he didn't buckle under their weight and they barely restricted his movement at all.
The sight of him brought a smile to her face despite her recent fit of tears. He looked silly and adorable. His balancing act was also a testament to how much he cared about her. He went to collect everything because he didn't want her to face having to go back home.
"Babe are you okay? I freaked out when you weren't near the therapist building," he said.
Ah, in her panic she had forgotten that they were supposed to meet up. God knows how it must have seemed when she was suddenly missing. But he must have tracked her scent to find her here.
"I'm fine. I just…" Rosalie turned away from him and said, "I couldn't do it."
"What do you mean?" He shrugged the bags off his back and placed a hand on her shoulder. It didn't take much coercion to get her to face him.
"I couldn't tell her to shove off. I couldn't just leave everyone to deal with the shit us leaving would cause."
Emmett lifted her chin with his finger "So are we staying?"
Rosalie sighed "I guess so,"
Emmett placed a gentle kiss on Rosalie's lips. She responded in kind and leaned into it. It was a burst of warmth through her previous melancholy.
He broke off the kiss and smiled down at her "We don't have to go back straight away, babe. That's what your sick bachelor pad is for."
"How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling it a bachelor pad?" Rosalie smiled despite herself "You have been married for well over half a century, your bacheloring days are long gone."
"Pfft, I meant bachelor of science pad. Because of all of your degrees obviously."
Rosalie rolled her eyes "Obviously,"
oOo
She eventually moved back into the main house but she let her family agonise over it for a few days first. Carlisle and Esme were the first ones to see her. Everyone else was at school, she let them deal with an excuse for her absence.
Esme was beside herself with joy and relief when she rocked up. Rosalie did not reject her hugs either. Upsetting Esme in anyway always made her feel bad. Insulting everyone else was fair game but hurting Esme was a big no. She even felt a sharp pain in her chest when Esme hugged her. Which was a new and strange sensation.
I must feel really bad about hurting her.
"We're so sorry Rosalie for making you feel like you were alone. We don't want you to think that we don't care about you," Carlisle said.
"Yeah well you're not really the ones I have a problem with right now," Rosalie grimaced thinking of Edward's stupid, punchable face. Even if he wasn't the cause of a problem he always finds a way to be one anyway
" Well I'm just happy you're back sweetheart. Is there anything I can do?" Esme asked.
"You could keep Edward off my back," Rosalie knew that that was an impossible feat but there was no harm in asking.
Esme frowned slightly as if she too knew that it was more or less impossible "I can speak to him and tell him you need your space."
"Miracles can happen everyday," said Carlisle.
Everyone else reacted more or less how she expected. Edward walked straight past her, muttering about drama queens and selfishness. Rosalie graciously supplied him the image of her beating the crap out of him in her head. When she heard a growl from upstairs she knew she had hit her mark.
Jasper gave her a respectful nod and a smile whereas Alice shot through the door like a bullet and latched herself onto Rosalie's side like a baby monkey.
"I'm so so so so sorry Rose please don't leave," Alice begged. "If you go it will be so boring and all the boys will outnumber us. There's only so many times that Jasper will let me put makeup on him."
Rosalie frowned and patted her awkwardly on the head. "I'm not leaving."
Surely Alice would have been the first to know that.
Alice jumped back with hopeful eyes "You aren't!" Then the hope turned to confusion. "Wait, when did you decide to stay?"
"Days ago. I thought you would have seen that at least,"
"Days?! Everything around you was so cloudy and I couldn't get a good read on you. I thought that meant that you hadn't made your mind up yet. And now you tell me that you were never leaving!" Alice dove back in for another hug "I was so worried,"
Rosalie had no idea why Alice's visions would be blurry around her. But she put it to the back of her mind for now.
oOo
Going back to Gillian was nothing short of mortifying. That woman had seen her at her most vulnerable and she had to go back to her after that as if nothing happened?! Only Emmett had ever really seen her that way. To everyone else she kept things bottled up. She only let people see what she wanted them to see.
But Gillian had seen her cry. As impossible as that was in itself.
She nearly didn't turn up. But some insanely stubborn part of her refused to back down. If she could face Gillian after all this she could face anyone.
It went surprisingly calmly, though. Rosalie had been preparing for Gillian to pick through everything she had said with a fine tooth comb. To lay out all of her worst moments and thoughts and force her to confront them.
Instead, Gillian had been polite and actually said that she wouldn't broach the subject until Rosalie was ready to discuss them. Which she was very happy about. Gillian even said that she was happy with the progress Rosalie had made. As if yelling at her was progress.
But Gillian was pleased that Rosalie opened up despite the way she had done it..
oOo
So everything seemed to pick up from where she left off. She went to school, she went to therapy and she went home. Life always carried on no matter how much you screamed about it.
The difference this time being that she wasn't as hostile towards Gillian as she had been. Therapy must be Gillian's vampire power. It's the only explanation for Rosalie feeling comfortable enough to come back. That's what she told herself anyway. Even though she could not detect any kind of compulsion.
After her outburst, she couldn't really deny that she had a problem with control. Rosalie had freaked at the mere mention of it.
She had never really had her problems laid out so succinctly. All her issues with fear and control and anger, they had never been discussed before. Nothing beyond Edward calling her a control freak anyway. But now that they were out there she could not deny them. No matter how much she wanted to.
If Gillian thought that talking through things could help her not be so gut wrenchingly angry all the time then she was willing to consider it.
Though she was prone to storming out when Gillian took something too far. It seemed to be her process. Get angry-Storm out-Actually think about what Gillian was saying-Come back and talk about it.
Gillian was frustratingly calm and blasé about it. She had no idea what would actually ruffle her feathers. Though it was probably one of the reasons that Rosalie felt like she could come back to her. If Gillian got angry like Edward or disappointed like Carlisle sometimes was she would not have hesitated to leave her in the dust.
Rosalie tried to carry on like normal. For the most part she was but recently there were a couple of incidents that brought her up short. The chest pain she felt when she had hugged Esme seemed to be a new recurring sensation. It would catch her off guard and she would rub at her chest until the pain went away.
She had heard that therapy could be painful but she didn't think it would be physically painful. That was not what she signed up for.
Well she didn't exactly sign up in the first place but that's not the point.
She also had people coming up to her now. Humans! With no sense of self preservation apparently. They would ask her for a pen or have the audacity to sit next to her. Even when she would smile at them with her teeth they wouldn't balk.
When she asked why the hell they were talking to her they had the balls to say that she "didn't seem as scary today".
Being in therapy must have made them think that she was more relatable and not someone big and scary. They seemed to have forgotten the reason she was put in therapy to begin with. Hello! She nearly killed a guy. At least some level of respect and fear would be nice.
oOo
"Let's talk about your relationship with your brother," Gillian said.
Rosalie winced. She knew what was coming. After all her rants about Edward, Gillian had finally decided that they needed to talk through them.
"Which one?" she asked, while knowing exactly who.
Gillian smiled at her "Well we can talk about Jasper if you like but you actually seem to get on with him and there wouldn't be many issues to work through. Whereas your relationship with Edward is a little more tumultuous to say the least."
Rosalie couldn't really argue with her there. But she was a little annoyed that they had to discuss him in her therapy session. As always he was poking his big nose where it wasn't wanted.
"Fine, you're right let's talk about Edward," she conceded.
Gillain straightened up "Okay, let's start at the beginning. How did you first meet each other?"
"Well him, Carlisle and Esme moved into my town at the start of 1933. I only ever really saw them a couple of times but I remember thinking that they were all really beautiful but also strange. I only really saw him from afar though, when I was human. The first time I really met him was a few days after my transformation. The asshole was avoiding me.
"I wasn't handling the transition well at all and he did not help in the slightest. He just made me feel worse because he would get angry at the thoughts I was having. I was just turned into this thing and my own head wasn't even private."
"Did he tell you that himself? That he was avoiding you because of your thoughts?" Gillian interjected.
Rosalie paused "Well not exactly. Not directly anyway. He told me that he did it to give me space after I was bit but I was forever hearing him muttering about my vapid thoughts under his breath."
"I see. I can imagine that was quite a lot to deal with. You had just been through two very traumatic experiences simultaneously. It's not surprising that your thoughts were all over the place." Gillian said.
"Yeah, according to him I was too emotional and self-centred."
Gillain let out a woosh of air. "Wow. That's just…" She tried to articulate "People need the mental space to sort through their trauma. And everyone does it in different ways. Some people will try to push it away from them and numb themselves against it. Whereas others hold it very close to their chest and feel all of it. From what I understand about you I would say that you are the latter. You feel everything very deeply.
"But that doesn't mean that they are all bad. You need to feel your emotions in order to be able to work through them. Feeling angry and lashing out was a perfectly reasonable reaction after what you went through. Even self-centeredness is a way for your mind to protect itself."
Rosalie had never felt in any way bad for the way she had been when she first transformed. Hearing from someone else that she shouldn't feel bad about it either was rather refreshing.
"The problem arises later when you don't learn how to manage these feelings in a healthy way. Anger may have helped you cope in the past but as you move further away from the trauma those old coping mechanisms are going to start hindering you." Gillian said
Okay now I just feel called out. Rosalie pouted.
"Anyway." Rosalie tried to change the direction of the conversation again. "It was two years before we had a decent conversation. The day I saved Emmett was the day he realised that I wasn't completely self absorbed like he thought I was." said Rosalie.
The quirk of Gillian's eyebrow suggested that she knew what Rosalie was doing but indulged her anyway. "What about happier times? You have been in each other's company for 70 years I assume it wasn't entirely hostile."
"No, I guess not". Her and Edward hadn't been at each other's throats all the time. There had been plenty of times when they had actually gotten along. When he didn't have a stick up his emo ass he could be quite funny. He was also rather good to have literary debates with because he was one of the most well read in the family. When she had first gotten into cars he had sat with her and read through the mechanics manuals. And he would always have her back in a fight.
Up until a few years ago he was mostly bearable. But there was something about the millennium that had sent him into a downward spiral. Probably because he was finally surpassing a humans lifespan. It made him feel even more monstrous.
Which she could understand. Probably more than anyone else in their family. But at the same time it made him insufferable.
Rosalie twirled the ends of her hair with her fingers. A habit that she had started having. She had no idea why she was fidgeting more. It just felt nicer to do something with her hands. "I was made for him you know. Carlisle tries to deny it but it's true. He wanted me to be Edward's mate. It makes me feel ill to think about sometimes. There I was being made up all pretty for another man I didn't choose. Just like my parents had done."
Gillian looked taken aback "That is quite something. So you were made for him but you are clearly not together now. What happened there?"
Rosalie turned away from Gillian's gaze "He..er...He rejected me,"
"And that must have stung quite a bit."
"I mean, yeah,"
"But you did not have any feelings for Edward?" Gillian inquired.
Rosalie's nose wrinkled "No, oh god no. I didn't want anything to do with him."
"If you both felt the same then how come it hurt you so badly."
"Because...Because. Ugh, I've never had someone reject me before. I was always the beautiful one. The one that people wanted even if I didn't want them. My whole human life I was told that my beauty was the most important part about me. It was the one thing that I took with me into this life.
"But he didn't want me. I was the most beautiful I had ever been and he still didn't want me. What more did I have to do? I'd already lost everything else and I didn't have anything left to give." God this made her sound pathetic. These days she at least knew that her family cared more about her than just her looks. But back then she didn't know.
"But he already knew all that. He knew 'everything' about me. He probably just thought I was broken." Rosalie whispered.
"Do you think that you're broken?"
Rosalie paused for a moment. She wasn't sure. At the beginning she was definitely broken. But over the years Emmett and her family had healed parts of her. But there would always be pieces of her that couldn't be healed. She would always be a monster.
"I don't know," she answered honestly.
"I value your honest answer," Gillian nodded and moved on "Have you ever spoken about this with Edward?"
"What? No of course not"
"I think maybe you should. Perhaps clearing the air between each other might help your relationship with each other."
"If you say so," Rosalie said dismissively.
oOo
What does she know? Rosalie stalked back from the Therapist's office with Gillian's advice still in her mind. Edward rejecting me did not affect me!
Deep down she knew that Gillian was probably speaking truth but her initial reaction was always to deny it completely.
She managed to school her thoughts before she made it home so that Edward would not be privy to what they had been discussing. Gillian said that they needed to talk but she was very much against that plan. Talking with him never seemed to end well these days. Especially if his precious Bella was nearby.
When she finally stepped through the door she nearly groaned out loud. The object of her current session wasn't holed up in his room or at Bella's house like he usually was. He was sat at the piano with Bella. She was attempting to learn a piece and he was teaching her. Guiding her hands when she messed up.
Which was a lot because her clumsy human fingers slipped on the keys. The jarring sound of bum notes set Rosalie's teeth on edge. She was not in the mood for this. Of all the evenings, Edward had to pick this one to bring Bella over.
Edward whispered words of encouragement into Bella's ear causing her to blush a deep red. He never told her how bad she actually was instead he only praised her. Which was a terrible way to learn something.
Edward looked towards Bella like she strung the stars up above him. Like she was the most perfect thing he had ever seen.
A flash of pain pulsed through Rosalie's chest like it was wont to do these days. Her throat burned with indignation and she gritted her teeth. The feelings that her session had brought up were still too raw. As soon as she saw Edward making moon eyes at Bella-the first person to ever reject her- her old bitter jealousy and anger reared its ugly head.
Edward's eyes shot to hers when he heard the direction that her thoughts were going. He gave her an amused and pitying look that made her want to tear his eyes out. The audacity of this fucking asshole knew no bounds.
Gillian's advice rebounded through her head and Rosalie knew that she needed to talk to the bastard.
Outside, Now! Rosalie shouted in her mind.
"And why should I do that?" He said, loud enough for the human to hear.
"Because I'm trying to listen to my therapist and you always make it so fucking difficult." Rosalie growled.
The sound made Bella flinch and she paled dramatically. But she seemed to recover rather quickly. Edward saw this and sent a seething look Rosalie's way. He sprang up in a fluid motion and stalked over to her. When his hand encircled her upper arm and began to manhandle her out of the door she growled again.
She fought the urge to rip his arms off until they were clear of the house. Then she tore her arm out of his grip and kicked him. It sent him flying into the nearby tree. The trunk cracked and splintered in every direction. But Edward was up in less than a second.
"You had no right to touch me!" she screamed at him.
A powerful, simmering rage burned beneath her skin. It was like the venom in her system had started to burn her once more. Who did he think he was?
"And you had no right to scare Bella" His voice was low and predatory. A stark contrast between the way she had screamed at him.
"Oh for god's sake Edward," Rosalie scoffed, "Bella's a big girl. If she got scared by something as stupid as me yelling at you, she would have already left you by now."
The image of Bella flashed through her mind again. Plain, unremarkable Bella. Then she recalled the way that Edward had been looking at her. It was interspersed with memories of when Edward had first rejected her. At the way his lips had curled up in disgust. She grit her teeth against those unwanted thoughts. But unfortunately she wasn't quick enough in quieting her mind.
The disgust that she had been remembering was mirrored in Edward's face. He laughed darkly in a way that was supposed to make her feel small and insignificant. "Oh this is so rich. Of course you're concerned about how someone doesn't find you attractive. This is just like you. Predictable, shallow and jealous. You're just mad because I want to be with Bella and I never wanted to be with you. You only ever cared about how beautiful you were."
Rosalie could feel a sting in her eyes as venom pooled in them. The pain in her throat flared up once more as her anger boiled over. "You think I'm shallow? That is deliberate you asshole! I don't let you in for a reason. Because you will twist my thoughts to fit your own narrative of me. Just because you can hear someone's surface level thoughts doesn't mean that you know who they are Edward. People are complex and can feel countless things all at the same time. What you hear is only a fraction of the real me."
Rosalie unleashed a torrent of her true thoughts onto Edward in a crashing wave. Of the way she really felt. The ones she usually buried under frivolous thoughts about her appearance. Edward blinked and took a half step back.
"My whole human life I was told that the most important part of me was my pretty face. It was one of the only things about me that my mother was proud of. I was like a doll and I was taught that that was exactly how it was supposed to be. Anything else was a failure." Rosalie took a shuddering breath and she could feel a tremble run through her tightened fists. "When I came into this life, my pretty face was the only thing that came with me. Everything else was stolen. I only had my beauty and you threw that back in my face with a sneer. So of course I despised you for that."
"What? I never said that you were ugly or anything. Of course I think you're beautiful..."
"That's not the point! I was already fragile as a newborn, when you rejected me it just made everything feel so much worse. Nothing was familiar, everything was terrifying. It made me feel broken." Her mind drifted back to her earlier session. Where she spoke of Edward thinking she was broken too.
Rosalie's voice dropped to a whisper "Sometimes I still do."
The mocking smirk had long since fallen off of Edward's face. Instead he looked at her as if he had never seen her before.
"Rose, You're not broken. You have never been broken. Not once did I ever think you were either. You're one of the strongest people I know."
Rosalie looked away from Edward with her arms crossed firmly over her chest. The sting in her eyes were gone but there was still a shake in her hands that she tried to hide. She didn't think she had ever heard Edward talk about her this way. It was strange.
Edward sighed "Look, the way we were thrown together was not good for either of us. If we had met in different circumstances we would probably not be at each other's throats all the time."
The corners of her mouth ticked up slightly.
"I didn't reject you because you weren't beautiful enough. And I definitely didn't reject you because you were broken in any way. We both knew that we weren't right for each other. It was like an instinct." He said.
Rosalie felt the air woosh out of her. It was stupid to be relieved by Edward's statement. His opinion shouldn't matter. But when he said those words it felt like she had let go of some of the fears twisted tightly within her.
After a few moments of silence Edward spoke up again. "I never really realised how you felt about me rejecting you. I thought that because I could read your mind that I knew but what you said was actually surprising."
Rosalie snorted "No shit sherlock. I already told you that I hide my real thoughts from you,"
"Yeah,"
They looked at each other for a beat more before they both made the decision to turn back towards home. None of them spoke as they walked swiftly back to the house. Their calm demeanour completely contradicted their original exit. It was Edward that spoke up first, just as the house came into view.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry," He gave her one last look before speeding through the door back to Bella.
His half-hearted apology was strangely comforting to hear.
I was originally going to make Edward a lot nicer in this scene but then i read Midnight Sun and I realised that he was a little bitch to Rosalie for no real reason so I decided to change it. That hoe deserves to get yelled at.