A/N: Sorry it has been so long since I last updated but I hope this extra long chapter makes up for it. :-)

"Jethro, we have been through this every year since I have known you. Nothing you could have done would have prevented their deaths and that child was found and returned to her parents. You need to stop this. Where is it this time?"

"Same place it always is Duck" Gibbs lifted his sleeve to allow Ducky access to the cut that ran vertically up his arm.

"When did you do this?" questioned Ducky who was concerned about the lack of blood from such a significantly sized cut.

"Last night, the 28th February"

"Did you by any chance faint from blood loss?"

"Nope, just didn't want to wake you at 5am"

"You know this needs stitches don't you?"

"Just stick a bandage on it, it will be fine. That's what I did."

"No, this time I am doing it properly. Here you go" Ducky passed Gibbs his best bottle of Bourbon from the drawer. "If any psychiatrist knew about this your job would be over"

"That's why I come to you Duck"

"Jethro, this cut is deeper and loner that usual"

"I know, I can tell from your reaction and how much it hurts. Gee, careful Duck, that hurts."

"I will keep pulling on these stitches if you don't tell me why"

"Ow, get off, fine" Ducky ceased his yanking on the thread "it's because I never saw what was happening to McGee, I probably made it worse and then I allowed him to be kidnapped and for the entire world to know about his self-harm"

"How do you know that this won't just push him into stopping, or force him into facing everything he has been through? You don't Jethro."

"Duck, please. This is my way of coping"

"Every year I have to try and go to sleep knowing what you are doing. Knowing you're in pain and knowing that I will be trying to fix it the next day. This isn't fair on me anymore."

"I'm sorry Duck; it is just my way of keeping my girls alive and getting rid of guilt"

"You can keep them alive through talking about them, every day if you need to, I would love to know more about them. Almost anything is better than this. As for the guilt, accept it, don't take it out on yourself. Now is there anything else that needs patching up?"

"No, and I'm not lying before you even try your mind games"

"You better go home and rest up then Jethro"

"Not a chance Duck, I have to make sure McGee is okay."

"He is safe here"

"From other people? Yes. But from himself? No."

"You need to take care of yourself first or there will be nobody left to look after your team."

"How many times have you known me do this any just carry on?"

"That is not the point. I know you can carry on but you really shouldn't"

"Okay, how would you feel if we discovered McGee tomorrow morning with his wrist slashed to bits lying on the floor in Abby's lab surrounded by a puddle of blood when checking on him would of saved his life?"

"We both know how unlikely that is to happen"

"That's the point Duck; we don't know how bad it is. He won't open up properly to either of us, nor Dr Cranston. The only way to make sure he is okay is to monitor him, closely."

"Do you even know how much the poor lad has been through these past few days? Do you not remember how everything felt? Don't you remember saying "my world is falling apart"? It is different for him, this is the single worst thing he has ever had to experience in his entire life and you are crowding him."

"Okay Duck, I will check on him now then I will go home. Fair?"

"Only if you stick to it"

"I will"ded he added as he exited autopsy.

Giving a bit of thought to what Ducky said Gibbs decided to get coffee and then check up on Tim but little did he know Tim was already planning to do something that Gibbs wouldn't approve of.

Tim thought this through over a million times. He thought of all the reasons not to do it then all of the reasons to do it. Each time it didn't matter, he was going to do it anyway but this time it was different. Before he would just do it and patch himself up but now there is a feeling of guilt before he has even done anything. The fact that people know and are helping him made him feel worse. He has come this far already, why spoil it now? He had been having these thoughts for the past 10 minutes now but he already had the blade in his hand, clean and sterilised. He thought about what Ducky said and he did it, the temptation was too much for him to deal with. He only had the chance to make one cut before Gibbs saw him. He didn't run to stop the younger agent from doing it again but he watched and tried to understand what he got out of it but all Gibbs saw was a reflection of his own emotions. He then walked over to Tim who was surprisingly unaware of his boss's presence but then again what's new? Gibbs spoke calmly but still startled the younger man.

"Boss! You s-scared t-the life outta me" Gibbs half smiled at the response.

"So did you give up?" Gibbs asked looking down at the newest wound.

"No, I spoke to Ducky and he explained that even if I just reduce it slowly I will be winning" the agent looked down thinking that his boss would go nuts at him.

"Yep, he's right" Tim looked up in shock. "If you just reduce it slowly you will eventually get there and everything will work out. It is better if you can just stop but I suppose that could also be too much of a shock"

"So you understand then?"

"Of course I do"

"Can I ask a personal question boss?"

"Shoot" Gibbs replied as he took a sip from his freshly made coffee.

"How often do you still do it?"

He guessed that question was coming. "Once a year, same date, same place, same scar, never heals, never let it heal"

"Why?"

"I think you already know the answer to that question Tim"

"Oh, I didn't think about that"

"Now, do you feel as though you need to do more or do you want to get cleaned up?"

"I think I have done enough for now, can't promise I won't do more later though"

"You wanna clean it up yourself or do you wanna go down to Ducky?"

"I think I'll do it myself boss, but thanks"

"Do you want to go for a walk after to talk about it?"

"Sure boss"

"Okay, meet you outside in twenty minutes?"

"See you there." Tim then proceeded to clean up his bloody mess, both on the floor and on his arm. He was quite proud of himself as these wounds appeared to be nowhere near as severe as his more recent cuts. It didn't take long to sort everything out; he cleaned his blade thoroughly and packed it all away into a clean handy box, a bit like a mini first aid box.

Tim walked outside exactly on time and spotted Gibbs who was early as usual. He was in the line waiting for coffee and headed over towards his boss who just signalled to an empty bench. A couple of minutes later Gibbs turned up with coffee for the both of them, Tim had his with two sugars and a drop of milk, he never told anyone this but Gibbs seemed to know. "So, why'd ya do it?" Gibbs asked, always straight to the point.

"I couldn't resist the urges anymore and I guess I'm still beating myself up about everything that happened"

"Which parts of the past few days have been bugging you?"

"You finding out and me obviously not being discreet enough for a start even though it has probably worked out for the better, not seeing any warning signs of Elliot being around, forgetting what it's like to be self-harm free and not sorting things out with Tony and Ziva."

"Well, you can't help being allergic to ivy which is when Ducky saw the scars. Elliot is a serial killer so he has had plenty of practice at kidnappings and murders so it is definitely not worth punishing yourself over and we can sort things out with Ziva and Tony."

"What can I do about forgetting what it is like to be self-harm free?"

"That is the one thing I just don't know about, I can't really remember myself"

"At least you are self-harm free 364 days a year" McGee commented in a defeated tone.

"Just because I don't do it doesn't mean that I don't have the thoughts Tim, I really do know how hard it is. It really isn't a past experience; it is a current issue that I still deal with daily"

"How do you do it?"

"You keep going, keep busy and don't give yourself the opportunity to think about it. Just being around people normally helps, people like your friends."

"Thanks boss"

"Shall we sort out the Tony and Ziva situation?"

"They won't want me intruding on their day off"

"Are you sure about that? I could have sworn I seen them ten minutes ago and I told them to wait in the conference room" McGee's head shot straight up from looking at the floor to see if his boss was telling the truth. "They are your friends Tim, not just your team and here your friends are your family. They don't want to see you struggle through this on your own."

"So they are there now?"

"Yeah, so come on." Gibbs led his eager young agent all of the way to the conference room where he allowed McGee to enter first. By this point the sparkle and excitement had worn off, the nerves had set in. With his hand on the door knob he turned to see Gibbs whose face displayed encouragement and pride. His son needed to do this by himself so with one hand on his shoulder and the other on the door handle he opened the door, allowed McGee to enter the room then left. At first McGee felt abandoned and alone but then he realised it was probably for the best, if he couldn't sort this out by himself with two of his closest friends then what luck did he have when coming up against a stranger in the street or a new face at the office.

"Erm, hi guys"

"Hey Probie, how ya feeling?" asked Tony not really knowing what else to say that wasn't an insult or joke. Ziva just sat there observing her team mate, that creeped Tim out; she always discovers things that others miss when she is like this. "I'm feeling fine Tony, what about you and Ziva?"

"I'm good Timmy, Ziva?"

"I am good too, apart from being deceived for the past six years." This comment just made McGee's heart sink which was portrayed by his facial expression. "No matter what situation you are stuck in hurting yourself is not the answer, it can make you physically weaker and can prevent you from doing things that to anyone else seem entirely normal." Tony did agree with what Ziva was saying but he also didn't know what was going through his best mates head. As the room fell silent Gibbs knocked on the door of the Directors office and was allowed entry. It appears that the Director already knew what Gibbs was thinking because all he did was throw the TV remote at Gibbs. Leon moved from behind his desk and took a seat at his recently polished table which Gibbs sat on top of. He scowled at Gibbs who got the hint and took a seat next to his Director and cranked up the TV volume.

"I wasn't ready to discuss it with anyone Ziva"

"Ducky seemed to know"

"Doesn't mean that I discussed it with him, I still don't know how he even found out because the way I hid it means that nobody should have seen"

"Hey, Probie" butted in Tony "Why didn't you come to me? I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to Gibbs, going to Gibbs about something feels like admitting defeat at first and Ziva is a deadly ninja who doesn't talk about this sort of stuff. But I am pretty much an open book Tim; you know I am here for you no matter how much I joke around with you."

"I know you are Tony but as I said to Ziva, I just wasn't ready" after that reply Ziva got up and left. "What did I say wrong?" Tim asked aloud as his eyes started to well up. After seeing how much this meant to his brother Tony went up to him and embraced him in a hug. The younger agent let a few stray tears escape before taking a deep breath and wiping his eyes with a napkin that Tony provided.

The Director was shocked and thought the result would have been the complete opposite but Gibbs knew however he still sighed at Ziva's reaction, he thought more of her. Ziva left the building and presumably went home but Tony stayed with McGee to comfort him. Shortly after this Gibbs arrived but McGee had already been calmed down by Tony.

"C'mon McGee, let's go and get a drink since we are not working for the rest of today" McGee stood up and walked out with no protest whatsoever which is not normal for him. Tony drank a few beers and flirted with the barmaid's whist McGee drowned his sorrows until Tony finally took him home. This was the first time Tim was back in his apartment and Tony knew that but it seemed like McGee was past caring due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed. Tony opened the door with the keys Gibbs had given him for the new lock, sat McGee down on the sofa and got them a beer each from the Probie's fridge. By the time he re-entered the room McGee was stood up in a trance just staring at the couch that he was sat on only seconds ago.

"McGee" Tony called "McGee" no response. "Probie, are you okay?" blanked. "Tim, can you hear me?" ignored. Little did Tony know McGee was replaying one of his many nightmares in his head. He cracked open a beer and held in under McGee's nose which again failed so then Tony finally gave in and called Gibbs. "Hey boss, I got McGee back to his apartment but now he is just stood up looking at his sofa. It's like he has been hypnotised."

"Okay" Gibbs sighed "keep trying to get his attention, I will come round to pick you both up"

"Yeah, I'm in no fit state to drive. Does this mean the Probie is stopping at the navy yard again tonight?"

"If he is not ready we can't force him, it won't make things any better"

"Okay boss, see you in ten"

A/N: Shout out to Silver Midnight whose input really helped me put the end of the chapter together.

For Silver's profile on here or the Facebook page just search SiverMidnight52

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