EDITED ON 5/30/2020

"I'm sorry. . . Clary. No, I'm sorry, Clary." He sighed. "Clary, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Clary." Nothing he could come up with seemed like enough, but he needed to apologize. He needed to make it right.

That's why Alec Lightwood was stalking down the hallway towards Clary Fray's room in the New York institute.

The guilt was eating at him. He'd been so weak, he'd let a demon inside him, allowing it to take control of his mind and body. He'd killed Jocelyn Fairchild, Clary's mother. Clary had just gotten her back, she'd just saved her from Valentine's clutches, only to have someone she trusted kill her in cold blood. Because that's what he was now, a cold-blooded killer.

Alec sighed and mussed his hair in frustration and self-loathing. He wanted to be rid of these thoughts that were plaguing him, but he knew he deserved no less.

The moment that Clary saw what Alec had done, the moment after they'd watched the footage, the sound of her voice, the tears in her eyes, the way she couldn't even look at him; all these things played over and over in his mind, like a never ending cycle that just wouldn't break.

Alec initially hadn't even liked Clary, so these feelings and their strength surprised him at first. He'd have thought had he ever done anything to upset Clary he wouldn't mind, but now he felt guilty, not only for killing her mother but for every unkind word or look that he'd had for her. Even the ones that she wasn't aware of. He wished he could take them all back.

He'd thought she didn't belong in the shadow-world, yet she had just as much of a right to it as he did. He'd thought she was a distraction for Jace, Jace doesn't even spare her a second glance now. He'd thought she was a threat, she hated Valentine just as much, if not more, than he did. He'd thought she was weak, but now he'd seen first-hand just how strong she was.

A month ago, Alec would have died before ever admitting that he admired the likes of Clary Fray but seeing how strong she had been he had to admire it, even though he knew that she shouldn't have to be so strong. Clary should've had someone to lean on, but Simon was busy with his family or something, Alec didn't care enough about the newly turned vampire to listen to his whining. Jace, after finding out that he was Clary's brother, had stopped speaking to her unless necessary. Luke had turned his back on Clary after the news of Jocelyn's untimely death had gotten out. Clary had no one, and for that Alec felt worse. He'd really taken away two people if you thought about it. By killing Jocelyn he'd made Luke leave as well.

Feeling worse than ever, Alec paced back and forth outside her door mumbling to himself...

"I'm sorry. Clary, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Clary. Clary, I'm so sorry." He sighed and steeled himself. Shaking his head as if it would shake his fears and doubts away. He raised his fist and pounded on the thick wood of the door before pushing it anyways.

"Hey." He said lamely. His eyes washed over the scene in front of him. Clary's room was neat and organized, but the bed covers were rumpled. Clary was sitting on the edge of the bed toying with what looked like a photo and a lock of hair. Her shoulders were slumped inwards and her face a mask of pain and sadness. The light in her eyes had been dimmed and her usually unruly hair seemed limp and lifeless. Alec averted his eyes, feeling a stab of pain run through his chest at the knowledge that he'd done this to her. "Look, I uh..."

"Please don't." Clary interrupted in a hoarse voice, as though she hadn't talked in the days since Jocelyn's death, which was entirely possible as no-one had seen her leave her room since that day.

"Clary, I am so sorry." He blurted out, ignoring the younger girl's request. "I would do anything, I mean anything to take back those thirty seconds, to get your mom back."

Clary looked up at Alec, eyes meeting his and he felt the guilt rise like bile in his throat.

"Alec," she said, and he prepared himself for the lashing he was sure he was about to get. "Maybe we can get her back."

"What?" He hadn't been expecting that. Out of all the things he was sure she would have said, that had not been one of the many scenarios he'd concocted since he'd decided he would speak to her. Sure, he'd been prepared for her to scream and cry and call him a murderer. He'd been prepared for her to tell him that she never wanted to see him again. He'd been prepared for so much, but the prospect of bringing her mother back to life? That was a shock. But Alec supposed he would take what he could get in this situation. This, he figured, was as good a start as any.

"I found a warlock who claims she can do it." Clary stood from her bed, setting the keepsakes down, and faced him hands on her hips. "But there are risks."

"I'll go with you." He jumped at the chance to make things right, ignoring the feeling he had in his gut. "Clary, if there is any chance that we can get your mother back, we have to take it. No matter what happens, I will be there."

"Okay." Clary had a ghost of a smile on her face. "Let's do it."

Clary grabbed the lock of hair and the pair went to retrieve his bow and quiver, letting Izzy know they were going out and they made their way to the brownstone that Iris Rouse operated out of. They climbed the couple steps up to the door and Alec knocked, staying close to Clary's side and staying aware of his surroundings. Almost immediately after he knocked, a young pregnant woman dressed in scrubs answered the door.

She didn't even acknowledge Alec as her eyes were drawn directly to Clary. "Are you here to see Doctor Rouse?" she asked.

Alec glared at the woman in distrust as Clary answered.

"Yes, um, I think she's expecting me. My name's Clary."

"I was indeed expecting you." Another woman's voice traveled through the open door. The pregnant woman stepped aside, opening the door wider so that Alec could see inside. It looked normal enough, he supposed, though it did nothing to dispel the throbbing unease in his chest. The woman now stood in the doorway with a smile on her face. "I only wondered when. And I see you brought a guest. Your boyfriend?"

Alec's face screwed up in disgust. The thought of being with a woman, let alone Clary sounded incredibly unappealing to him. Besides, he had a boyfriend.

"No!" He denied, his disgust audible.

"Uh, no." Clary said at the same time, looking up at Alec after his adamant denial.

"Well, whatever you are, leave your weapon outside." Alec only stared at the woman as if he had no idea what she was talking about. "Any warlock worth a damn can see through a Shadowhunter glamour with ease. Don't worry, it'll be safe in the alcove.

Alec exchanged a look with Clary before she stepped inside with Alec following closely behind her as the glamour was removed from his bow and quiver. He took the weapon pair off his back and carefully set them down against the wall as Iris closed the door and started a conversation with Clary. Alec quickly caught up to them and tuned into the words that were being exchanged.

"Nurse Leigh will help you with the paperwork." Iris was telling Clary.

"Uh, paperwork?" Alec inserted himself into the conversation, coming to stand at Clary's side.

While Iris looked miffed, she answered as though she were happy to cater to his stupidity. "Yeah, just a simple pin prick to draw blood for the oath." She explained. "For the favor we talked about."

"Well, I don't know about any favor." Alec replied, hands clasped tightly behind his back as he stared down at the warlock.

"Oh, that was the deal we made." Iris shot back, glancing at Clary before returning to Alec's gaze.

Alec didn't like this at all. Something was just off about this whole situation.

"It's fine, Alec." Clary assured him. "I want to do this."

"Delightful." Iris smiled. Alec did not think that it was delightful. "Follow me."

She started to walk towards the large, beautifully crafted staircase before she apparently realized that two people were following her. She turned back to them and addressed Clary, ignoring Alec. "Your friend can wait here for you in the waiting room."

At this point Alec had had enough. "No," He snapped, relishing in the way Iris flinched back slightly. "I'm not leaving her side." He shared another look with Clary before Iris spoke again.

"Oh, then I can't do this." In a way that only worried Alec further, his unease growing almost painfully in his chest. "His energy is too turbulent. I need calm, he is not calm."

"Okay," Alec was done trying to play the role of a polite Shadowhunter. "I'm going to need to see some credentials. Show me your Warlock Mark."

"Dear," Iris crooned in a sickly-sweet voice. "If a lady has concealed her mark, assume it's for good reason."

Alec rolled his eyes in a highly exaggerated fashion as at this point, he truly didn't care if he was being rude. He didn't trust this woman and he certainly didn't trust her with an untrained, unarmed eighteen-year-old Shadowhunter who was clearly blinded by her grief and the, most likely, empty promises of bringing Jocelyn Fairchild back to life.

"Alec, it's okay, I'll be fine. Really." Alec blew out a breath and nodded, although he did not believe her. He would wait fifteen minutes, he told himself. If Clary was not back in fifteen minutes, he would tear the brownstone down brick by brick to find her if he had to.

Alec watched helplessly as the two women started up the stairs before he sat in the chair that was propped against the wall. His mind was racing, thoughts of all the things that could go wrong were spinning around the inside of his skull. Suddenly he noticed a figure out of the corner of his eye. He turned and saw a little girl about five years old, standing next to the banister of the staircase. She was dressed in a pink long-sleeved dress, white tights and black dress shoes. She had a pink and blue scarf tied around her throat and her hair had been carefully pulled away from her face. She had her hands clasped in front of her as she stood as straight as one of his arrows. She was staring at Alec with a blank expression on her face.

He regarded her for a moment, trying to decide if she was a threat, perhaps someone glamoured as a child to try and trick him, but when he detected no ill-intention, he settled into a kind smile. "Hello." He greeted her. But when he received no indication that she'd even heard him, the smile dropped from his face and he grimaced, turning back to stare at the wall in front of him feeling extremely uncomfortable. It only took about five minutes for the little girl to wander over towards Alec. She stood in front of him, but slightly to the side. She was swaying back and forth oddly as she stared at him and Alec tried to start up a conversation with the child.

"It's a nice place," he said, looking around at the tall ceiling and wooden walls. "Where are all your toys?" He looked at her from his seat, slouched forward, hands clasped.

The little girl did not speak, instead she pointed up. Alec assumed she meant that they were upstairs. Her chin tilted up far enough for Alec to see that she had gills on either side of her neck. The little girl was a warlock, he realized, and the gills were her warlock mark.

She realized he was looking at her gills and she brought her chin back down as quickly as she could, along with her arm and glared at him.

"Cool gills." He complimented her with a light chuckle as she rolled her eyes and smirked lightly at the compliment.

The silence broke when a baby's cry rang through the house and Alec turned his head towards the sound, his smile fading. He glanced back at the little girl to see her turn and walk away from him and go up the stairs towards the sound.

After a moment's hesitation, he got up and followed her.