EDITED ON 5/30/2020
A/N:
Hi everyone! I completely forgot to post an author's note in the last two chapters, i'm gonna blame that on the fact that those two were pre-written and that i totally blanked on it. I'm going to try and make a writing schedule, but updates may be a bit irregular the next few weeks so i am sorry in advance. In addition to that i am looking at possibly posting this on as well, so if you see this story on there know that it is probably me. I will update you on whether or not that happens in the next few days and what my username is on there as well. For now just enjoy this chapter and i will try to update again this weekend.
This story follows the Shadowhunters timeline with some changes in relationships and events due to those relationship changes.
Here you go:
Clary and Alec stepped through the portal and ended up in Clary's bedroom at the institute.
"What was that?" Clary asked as soon as the portal closed, turning to Alec, her eyes narrowed.
"What was what?" Alec asked, looking behind him. "That was a portal. You've been through one before."
Clary rolled her eyes. "All that whispering going on back there. Were you guys fighting?"
Alec sat on the edge of Clary's bed and sighed. "Let's talk after the funeral, okay?"
"No. If this is about me, I want to know." Clary put her hands on her hips and stood in front of Alec, glowering at him.
"Clary, please, for once just listen to me." Alec groaned. She didn't budge, or even acknowledge that he'd said anything.
"Tell. Me." Her eyes were glaring at him, full of determination, her hair looked as though it had been set ablaze and her lips were set in a firm line, jaw clenched.
Alec ran a hand over his face and then through his hair. "Magnus feels as though you might be experiencing some pretty strong feelings and you might not know how to handle them. We're aware that you don't really have anyone to lean on right now and there's this spell you might be interested in." He tried to word it as delicately as possible, but thought he'd just ended up sounding very patronizing, as if he were talking to a child or someone lesser than himself. He mentally face-palmed.
"What spell?" Clary dropped her hands from her hips and instead crossed her arms in front of her chest. Her expression lightened considerably, and she looked more curious than angry.
"There is a spell that can make you a Lightwood biologically." He told her slowly albeit a tad awkwardly.
Clary stepped back from Alec, shaking her head. It was like she'd shut herself down and had retreated into herself all within the same second. The girl that had been demanding information so passionately just a moment ago was gone. In her place was a little girl that wanted nothing more than for her mother to be there, to tell her everything was alright. Alec had no idea what to do for that girl.
"Clary, what's wrong?" Alec stood up and took a step towards her. She flinched back from him so hard that she bumped into her desk, causing the items on it to rattle. Her hand went to her side, where it had hit the desk, she hissed in pain rather than anger this time. Alec lifted his hands in surrender and took a step back though he remained standing. He watched her in worry as she dropped her hand and wrapped her arms around herself, as if she were trying to keep herself from falling apart entirely.
"I can't believe you want me to forget my mom, just like that." Clary said without any venom behind the words, the way she spoke was almost hollow. She tipped her chin down and her flaming curls curtained her face so that Alec could not see the tears that he was positive were present on her cheeks.
"That's not what I'm asking you to do. You never have to forget your mom. I don't want that; I would never ask you to do such a thing. Family is everything to me, Clary. You saw how far I was willing to go. I nearly married a woman to restore my family's honor. Had Magnus not shown up at my wedding, I would be in a loveless marriage right now. If my mother died, especially in the way that yours did, I would never be able to forget her, she's my mom. Even with her faults, she's my mom. This, this spell, it isn't me asking you to forget or replace your mother, because that is impossible. No-one could ever replace Jocelyn Fairchild, Jocelyn Fray. What I'm asking you to do is give me, give us the chance, the opportunity to be your family as well. Not instead of Jocelyn, but in addition to her. Lean on us, Clary."
"I'm sorry," was all Clary had to say before she rushed out of the room.
Alec didn't see her again until the funeral. He was standing by Jace's side when she entered the room. He turned as Jace did and turned back around almost immediately, head bowed, hands clasped in front of him. Dark thoughts plaguing him once again.
He felt almost selfish, showing up to Jocelyn's funeral. Hoping that he could earn forgiveness from the daughter of the woman he murdered. Hoping to make her a part of his family. He felt stupid for even considering asking her such a thing, much less actually asking her. He murdered her mother, why would she want to be related to him, why would she even want to look at him, knowing his face was the last one that Jocelyn saw as he was ripping her heart from her chest. He nearly turned around and left the room but decided that if Clary had to suffer through this, so did he. He deserved this.
Izzy came to stand next to him, placing a hand on his arm. "Alec - "
"Don't." He didn't even look at her as he shook her comforting hand off his arm, he didn't deserve her comfort. "Nothing you say will make me feel better."
He saw Jace and Clary walk by and he kept his chin pressed firmly to his chest, unable to face them.
"Those remaining will take their place with the fallen." Aldertree announced from his place on the platform.
Clary and Jace stood next to where Jocelyn's body lay, and Alec allowed himself to look up and observe Clary. His guilt was rising in his chest like a wildfire and the burning was making it difficult to breathe. He watched as Clary reached out for her mother and lay a hand on her cold, dead shoulder.
"Those remaining will say the names of the fallen." Aldertree spoke.
"Brother Micah," Brother Enoch said.
"Pulvis et umbra sumus." Alec uttered with the rest of the audience.
"Brother Jeremiah." Brother Isaac said.
"For we are dust and shadows." Alec felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt his chest tightening and shoulders tensing. Next was Jocelyn. He hadn't known the woman, hell, he hadn't even trusted her, let alone liked her. He still wasn't prepared for this. Deep down he knew the reality of what he had done, he knew no one blamed him, but being here at her funeral, he could just barely handle it.
"Jocelyn - " Clary tried to say, but her voice broke and she started to sob. Alec could just barely hear her cry out: "Mom," as Jace pulled her into a one-armed hug.
"Jocelyn Fairchild." Jace finished for her.
Alec was starting to sweat, and breathing was starting to get harder.
"Ave atque vale." He gasped as everyone else said the blessing. "Hail and Farewell."
Jace and Clary moved off the platform and came to stand next to Alec and Izzy. Jace placed Clary between Alec and himself and the girl was still sobbing, making Alec feel even worse which he hadn't realized was still possible.
The Silent Brothers and Aldertree finished the ceremony and as soon as he could, Alec hightailed it out of there. He walked briskly, just on the verge of running and took to the streets, walking to Magnus' apartment, unable to think of anywhere else he'd rather go. That was until he heard a strange sound.
He'd been passing the Hunter's Moon, a popular Shadow World bar when he heard it. "Psst. Psst. PSST."
He turned and saw Simon Lewis lingering just to the side of the bar's doorway.
Alec looked at the Vampire and then looked over his own shoulder. Hoping that maybe he was calling out for someone else.
"Yeah! Hey, Alec, c'mere." Simon said cheerfully in his own annoying way.
"Do I know you?" Alec feigned ignorance.
Simon deflated visibly. "Seriously?" He complained. "It's me. Simon Lewis. I'm Clary's best friend, the vampire? We went to Clary's apartment that one time, and she and I got kidnapped by werewolves and then you and Jace and Izzy, you guys rescued us. Remember?"
Alec remembered it all vividly, although he wished he didn't. "Sounds vaguely familiar."
Simon sighed. "Look, I just wanted you to know that Clary talked to me earlier. Said she felt bad, you're being real nice to her and she feels like she blew you off. Also, you don't look too good and I wanted you to know, if you wanted to come in, blow off some steam, grab a drink, you can have a free pass at making fun of me and I'd make sure you either end up at Magnus' or the Institute at the end of the night." The Vampire shrugged.
"You don't like me," Alec reminded him.
"No." Simon agreed.
"I don't like you."
"No."
"Okay." Alec followed Simon into the bar, and they sat in a booth towards the back, Simon ordered Plasma and Alec ordered four tequila shots.
"You sure you don't want to start with something a little lighter?" Simon asked Alec as Maia raised a brow at the Raven haired Shadowhunter.
"Four tequila shots, please." Alec repeated, staring down at the table, picking at the finishing that was coming loose.
Maia whacked his hand with her notebook and walked away. Alec sighed and let his hand fall flat on the table. He didn't look at Simon as he started to speak.
"Those glasses you used to wear made you look stupider than you already were, your hair makes you look like a poodle and you could go without the excessive body spray, it makes you smell like a wet dog. Which, I suppose in a way is fitting considering your hair."
"O-kayy." Simon nodded his head. "I can work on that."
Alec looked up at him briefly and hummed, before he looked back down at his hand that was shaking slightly.
"How was the funeral?" Simon asked, his tone softer.
Alec watched his hand clench into a fist, veins popping out. "Honorable."
Simon sighed. "Alec, you can talk to me. I'm not going to repeat anything you say. Who'd believe you'd ever tell me anything anyways?"
Alec simply raised an eyebrow and was saved from having to endure a long speech from the moronic Vampire when Maia delivered their drinks.
"Thanks." Alec said, handing her a fifty. "Put it towards our tab. I'll pay for his too."
He nodded towards his unlikely companion and Maia nodded, walking away.
"You didn't have to - " Simon started.
"I'm helping the less fortunate." Was Alec's scathing reply.
He threw back his first shot as Simon sipped his plasma. He followed it with his second, third and fourth. Alec wasn't much of a drinker, being quite a control freak he preferred to always be in his right mind. Tonight, was an anomaly. He wanted to be rid of his guilt, of his self-loathing and shame. He didn't want his feelings anymore.
An hour later everything was fuzzy, and he couldn't stop talking. Simon who was still incredibly sober was gaping openly at the usually very composed Shadowhunter.
"I just, I feel so bad, y'know? I feel so bad for Clary and it's all m'fault. Coz, like I killed Jocelyn, right? I'm a murderer."
"Shhh!" Simon hushed Alec, whose voice was slowly gaining volume. He stood up and helped Alec stand on wobbly legs. "Let's go, dude." He wrapped Alec's arm around his shoulders and put an arm around his waist.
"Woah, I've got a boyfriend!" Alec tried to detach himself from Simon.
"I know. I'm going to take you to Magnus, okay?"
"Magnus?" Alec asked, letting himself lean heavily on the younger boy.
"Yeah, Magnus." And slowly but surely, they walked the two blocks to Magnus' apartment and up the stairs to his door.
Simon knocked on the large wooden doors and propped Alec up against the door jamb.
Magnus answered the door, eyes immediately finding Simon, not yet seeing Alec.
"Simon?" Magnus looked confused, holding a martini in his hand.
"Mags-y!" Alec cheered from his spot against the wall.
Magnus didn't look at Alec right away, his eyes meeting Simon's. They conveyed his obvious surprise and concern. Alec had never been drunk before, and if something went wrong, Simon would be blamed. Simon gulped.
"Alexander, what happened to you?" Magnus turned to his inebriated boyfriend.
"Nothhinnggg." Alec sing-songed, pushing himself off the wall and stumbling into his boyfriend's arms.
Magnus led Alec into the apartment, leaving the door open allowing Simon to follow the pair. Simon shut the door behind himself and followed at a distance as Magnus led the two boys into the living room. He eased Alec down onto the couch and turned to Simon, ignoring the fact that Alec was tugging on his blazer practically begging for his boyfriend's attention.
"What happened?" Magnus asked Simon.
"I found him walking past the Hunter's Moon, invited him in for a drink and a talk and he wouldn't stop ordering drinks. I tried to stop him a couple times, but I was pretty sure he would kill me if I tried to psychically stop him. I finally got him out of there when he started going on about being a murderer."
Magnus sighed, looking back down at his boyfriend who was peacefully sleeping on the couch now.
"I've got it from here, thank you Simon."
"You shouldn't be thanking me. I'm pretty sure he was on his way here before I dragged him into the bar to get drunk." Simon looked guilty.
"You got him to talk, I doubt he would have done much talking without the alcohol."
Simon nodded and showed himself out. Magnus sat in the armchair across from the couch that Alec was dozing on and settled in for the night. He wanted to be there when Alec woke up.
Despite wanting Alec to get some sleep, Magnus couldn't help but wish that he'd wake soon. He wanted to know how much damage this whole ordeal had done to him. He'd seen the look in his eyes earlier that day, when Alec had shown up with Clary. It was obvious that he was feeling the weight of his actions under the demon possession. Of course, nothing that happened was being held against him. No one blamed him, only Alec. Alec blamed himself, and while Magnus thought that Alec was wrong to blame himself, he couldn't help but understand where he was coming from.
In Alec's eyes he should've been stronger. He was a Shadowhunter, through and through. Being possessed like that violated him in ways that Magnus would never be able to understand. Alec's own hands were what had killed Jocelyn, he literally had her blood on his hands whether it was his consciousness that made them do that or not. Alec would always carry that with him. And so, Magnus settled into the chair, making himself comfortable. He would use this time to come up with something to say, something to do. All he knew was that he had to save Alec from himself and he would, no matter what.