hey, belle here. i had this random idea after wednesday's ep of chicago pd, so, here it is. please do let me know your thoughts and i hope you enjoy it. love xx
I knock on the door, almost desperately, before I stop myself and instead knock casually. I pray to whatever god is up there that he isn't sleeping. My hands are still shaking, my body still trembling from my encounter with Voight. My body had instinctively frozen up when he had shoved everything off the table. I hoped he wouldn't come any closer but he did, and again on instinct, I had stopped breathing. The only place I had let any of the fear show had been my eyes. Just my eyes. Because if I had dared to show more, I would've broken so badly.
Unconsciously, I can feel my fists clenching at my sides. Yeah I'm pissed. I know what he's trying to do, but doesn't mean I accept it or frankly, even appreciate it...Okay, no, I do appreciate that he's looking out for me, but I don't need saving...I think I'm too far gone to be saved.
The door opening snaps me out of my own thoughts. I look up and find my partner standing there, a worried look on his face, in just his sweatpants. I think my breath catches in my throat as I realise that he's shirtless, his toned, fit torso on display in front of me, the sweatpants hanging so low on his hips that I can see the dip of his v-line if I only dare to actually look. My eyes, though, are latched onto the bullet wound scar on his left shoulder. Although I had gone with him to the mandatory check up appointment weeks ago, I hadn't gone inside. I hadn't actually seen the scar. And even now, despite the fact that he's back on the job, that he's alive and moving, it still looks like it could be uncomfortable, if not painful. It's still red but maybe it's because it's still healing.
I think Jay may have been calling my name several times. His warm hand is suddenly touching my arm, and I look away, anywhere but at his body or his eyes. Because how do I tell him? How can I tell him and see him look at me with disgust? Maybe even with hatred? I can't bear the thought that he'll turn away from me, that he'll come to the realisation that I'm not worth it anymore. That I never really was in the first place and he'd deluded himself into thinking I was. That maybe, I'd even duped him into thinking it...
What the hell is wrong with me? He's waiting for me to reply to him and I'm worrying about losing him.
Vanessa's words at the hospital weeks ago comes back into my mind: It's hard because you love him.
Love him. Yes, I know I do. I do with every fibre of my being but I can't say it. It's like some force of nature is preventing me from saying it, because it knows, that I've been burned by loving a partner before. That, if I let myself admit aloud to Jay that I love him, I'll lose him the way I lost Garrett. And the fact is, I almost had lost Jay for good. He'd taken a bullet. He'd lost so much blood, he'd nearly died. And truthfully, ever since he's been back at work, physically, he hasn't really been all there, in a spiritual sense. He's there physically, but he's distanced himself from all of us. Me included...And more than anything, that hurts me most.
I finally find my voice. "I-I'm sorry if I disturbed you."
"No, you didn't," Jay assures me gently. His eyes – his beautiful eyes, which are sometimes, blue, green and gray depending on the lighting – assess me. "Hailey, are you okay?"
I swallow, my heart thumping twenty times faster. "I-I need to tell you something, Jay."
He opens his door wider, gesturing for me to come in, having immediately detected the sombre tone in my voice.
He just knows me so damn well. I enter and hear him close the door behind me. As I sit on the couch, he disappears into the kitchen, bringing out two bottles of beer. I know it's exactly what I need at the moment. And apparently, he knows it too.
I watch him grab his black hoodie and slip it on. I try not to let the disappointment show, although some part of me is glad his abs and body aren't going to be distractions anymore, even as another part of me is so tempted to scream at him and say, don't put it on, stay shirtless.
I take the bottle of beer, taking a quick swig of it, before I actually end up saying that. Jay watches me, still worried.
"I didn't tell you something," I start, cursing myself mentally even as I hear my own voice crack just the slightest bit. "And, even now, I don't know if I should."
"Hailey, you can talk to me about anything. You already know that," Jay reminds me softly. "I don't walk away – not from you."
His words, sincere and honest, shatter me. In the best way possible.
"I wanted to trust Voight, like you said. I wanted to believe there was some damn reason he was making us work with Darius, but I still couldn't stomach it. After knowing he ordered that hit on Cameron. Cameron was MY CI. My CI." My voice hitches in my throat again as tears end up clouding my vision.
Jay's warm hand on my thigh makes me scoot just that much closer to him. Although he doesn't speak, I know he understands me. More than anyone ever has. And if I'm honest with myself, even more than Garrett ever did. If I want to be cliché, I'll say Jay's my soul mate.
"The night you followed me, I-I gave the gang the information they needed...knowing full well it would get Darius killed. And I didn't care. I didn't care I was shredding a piece of myself – of something good in myself. I just wanted Darius dead. And when we came across his body the next morning, I had no regrets, Jay. In fact, I was glad. Voight knew then that it was me, and he told me he didn't want me becoming like him. And after my discussion with him that night, I told myself it was just a one-time thing, that I'd only done it for Cameron. Because Darius fleeing Chicago was NOT an option."
I look down at my fingers, which are wrapped around the beer bottle. I can't bring myself to look at Jay, at the expression that might be on his face given my confession. I find my hands are shaking again, this time a little more violently than earlier, given that I can feel Jay's eyes suddenly drop to my hands. I feel his hands gently cup mine, steadying them, and I find some courage in me to look up at him.
I'm taken aback by his expression. There's no hate, no anger, no disgust. Just love. Just understanding.
"I might have already figured that out," Jay finally admits. "And it doesn't change a single thing, Hailey. You're still a badass cop, and still a good person." He squeezes my hands gently to emphasise how much he means what he's just said.
"But I crossed a line today again," I practically whisper. "And I did it to protect Vanessa. She deleted a video showing that Lewis Reyes was meeting with Gael. And I knew why she did it. When Reyes wasn't getting the deal, and I saw the devastation on Vanessa's face, I-I took matters into my own hands. Asked Reyes the exact description of Gael's car. Then I planted evidence in his car to get him arrested. To say Voight was pissed would be a gross understatement. He was livid, Jay." I close my eyes, the tears finally falling.
"Hailey?" Jay says softly, even as I hear the slight strain in his voice. He knows Voight well enough. "What happened?"
"For the first time ever, he reminded me of my dad. I just froze when he shoved everything off his desk. I just – I was waiting. Waiting for the hit to come."
I see devastation in Jay's eyes even as he clenches his jaw. He knows about my father. And though it's been a few weeks since he learnt a little more about my past, it still tears him apart. I meant what I had said to him all those weeks ago. I wish he had been around to put my father in his place the way he'd done to Michelle Sutton's husband.
"He's sending me to New York. To work with the FBI. Apparently they've got clear-cut, by the book rules...My flight leaves tomorrow."
Jay looks heartbroken, but he also looks enraged. And because I know him, it doesn't scare me. Not the way Voight's rage had scared me earlier this evening.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out, instinctively. I wince when I realise that Jay knows why I'm apologising, why it's ingrained in me.
"Don't apologise," he tells me, even as he finally wraps me into a hug. We've been partners for three, maybe more, years now. And we've never – ever – hugged before.
It's almost natural for me to let my body sag into his strong, muscled arms.
"I know it's just for a couple weeks, but Jay, I can't – I can't bear the thought of anything happening to you while I'm gone...I nearly lost you not once but twice. I just – I -."
"You won't lose me, Hailey," he promises me. "You won 't."
Yet again, Vanessa's words come to mind. And before I can stop myself, I'm blurting out, "I love you, Jay."
Instead of stiffening at my confession, or pulling away, I'm pleasantly surprised by the smirk that plays across Jay's lips. "Good, because I love you too, Hailey," he confesses, eyes twinkling with happiness and love. Love for me, I remind myself as my own smile appears on my face.
I know the effect it has on him, because as I'm pressed against his rock-hard body, I notice the way his heart quickens in pace. I bury my face in his shoulder, as he tightens his arms around me, basically pulling me onto his lap.
I look into his eyes, and he captures my lips with his own, starting off slow. The kiss is filled with love, passion and longing. I don't know how long I've been in love with him, or how long I've been waiting for this moment, but now that it's finally happening, I can't be happier.
Subconsciously my hands make their way beneath his hoodie, running over the muscled panes of his stomach then up to his rock-hard chest. He lays me on the couch, hovering over me, his lips now on my neck.
And I never want this to end, that's all I know.
Because come hell or high-water, his love is all that I will ever need.