Maybe, Lily thought as she locked her emerald green eyes with Hermione's widening shocked chocolate brown ones, running up the stairs and into the girls dorm hadn't been the best idea to avoid anyone talking about the revelation outside, as instead of allowing her a reprieve with her friend it instead had Hermione drawing to her feet confused.
"Harry?!" Hermione asked, shocked and confused as she wandered over, her frizzy hair bouncing with every step. Lily didn't flinch this time but only due to the fact she was frozen in shock and worry as her heart hammered loudly in her chest, her throat drying as she felt light headed.
Panic, she realized with a start. That was what was running through her.
"H-Hermione-" She blurt out, trying to stutter out some kind of explanation yet something in her voice must have given away the state she was in internally as she'd barely got her friends name out before she was wrapped in a hug, the smaller girl holding her tight.
Lily didn't hesitate to hold her back, taking calming breathes that she was vaguely aware of Hermione guiding her through.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In….
"Better?" Hermione asked with a soft gentleness, a caring Lily wished she had from more than just her friend. Maybe she'd have said something to someone sooner if they were all nice like Hermione.
Either way, the raven haired teen nodded as while she could hardly say she felt amazing the panic was subsiding a bit, enough that she could breathe normally and think clearly.
"Here, sit down." The brunette instructed and Lily followed her lead, sitting down a bed that had floral bedsheets over it. "This is my bed. Well it is now, obviously it belonged to others before, based on the carvings I suspect it's one of the beds that have been in use since near the very start of Hogwarts due to some of the few carvings in the frame matching up with ancient known graduates of Hogwarts like Doris Abbot. No relation to the present day Abbots, as far as I am aware."
It was just a random fact, completely out of nowhere and Lily smiled, if just a tad at it. It was Hermione's way of providing a distraction, something to focus on other than the panic.
She'd done something similar when she'd found the raven haired teen sitting in the library days before the first task having a panic attack about the dragons when the pressure had gotten too high even for Lily.
And the… girl, she was a girl. She knew that though in some ways adjusting her own mind to think like that would be hard. Not that she didn't want to of course but…
"BOY! GET DOWN HERE!"
"He's just a Boy Albus, you cannot expect him to compete, surely?!"
"BOY WHO LIVED'S SURPRISE ENTRY INTO THE TRI-WIZARD TOURNAMENT!"
It was hard, when ninety percent of the identification you'd been given your whole life was some variation on enforcing your male birth and not even your actual name.
Still, she was finally starting to realize with a start that despite her panic, her stomach no longer felt ready to flip whenever she referred to herself now that she had changed mentally to Lily.
Anyways, the girl had remembered Hermione assuring her quietly she'd make it out alive and began to list off various members of the wizarding world who had defeated dragons in worse situations then Lily was in.
Though, she was ninety percent sure the foreign Dra'Gun Sla'Ah was made up by Hermione to cheer the fourth champion of the tournament up. That or they were using a pseudonym when they gave their account of the story.
Lily believed the first. She also believed she had gone off on a mental tangent and flushed slightly as she registered Hermione trying to call her attention back.
"-rry, should I go get Madame Pomfrey-"
"N-No, it's fine." Lily sighed, flinching the tiniest amount again as she realized Hermione was saying that name to get her attention. Maybe… Maybe it would be best to bite the proverbial bullet?
"Are you sure? You're flinching…" Hermione frowned, disapproval on her features and Lily sighed before nodding.
"I'm sure, just… You trust me, right?" The scarred teen asked suddenly, making Hermione tilt her head the slightest bit in confusion even as she nodded.
"So long as it's not to do with potions." She said good-naturedly and Lily felt a genuine laugh escape, her chest lightening somewhat from the weight it was carrying with Hermione's good natured teasing.
"That is completely fair." Lily nodded with a chuckle before stopping. "I… My name hurts. When I hear it."
Hermione's eyes went wide and Lily could see the gears start turning. Before she could stop Hermione from getting the wrong idea though, the brunette immediately pulled out her wand.
"Hang on, I believe I know what spell that is. Angor Nomine, the naming curse? I assume Draco must of-" Hermione was about to go on a rant only to be stopped by Lily holding her shoulder.
"N-No, no curse. I didn't even know there was a naming curse?"
"It's not taught in any standard practice, its considered and elective and generally frowned upon. Of course, I learned it due to doing elective exercises professor Flitwick set." Hermione explained, looking a tad bit smug as she always did but Lily knew it was involuntary and the girl didn't even realize she had such a look in her eyes. Lily just gestured for her friend to continue. "It's a fairly recent Latin-Derivative spell, some even rumour it was made by Dumbledore himself when he was younger though I find that hard to believe he'd create a spell with malicious intent like this. The words roughly translate into Mental Anguish and Name, focusing the spell to then mean that any time the name of whatever the spell is cast on first is spoken, whoever the spell is cast on next will feel pain from the utterance of the name of whatever the spell was cast on first."
"That… Sounds more like something Voldemort would make to keep people fearing him." Lily frowned, doubting Dumbeldore would have any part in such a spell. "And why don't we learn the translation of other spells then if you found out the translation of that one.
"I agree, that's why I didn't think Dumbledore made it either. As for Latin, it's actually a fairly recent practice at least in relative terms for some spells to use Latin words for focusing, when it was discovered the language held a great use for focusing the power of Wizard's and Witches, though it still isn't exact. Many spells we learn still haven't shifted to this system yet and those that have still sometimes don't pair perfectly with the expected words. Lumos Maxima for example. I had assumed before I dove more into Latin that Maxima would mean Maximum or something similar but it simply means Great. The Naming Curse however is Latin-Derivative due to being made after the discovery of Latin being a good focusing language, meaning its name was picked in out specifically for the spell as it was being made, hence its translation becomes more important."
Lily took a moment to take in the lecture, letting out a hum as she processed that information. "So… Lumos Fortissimi or maybe Lumos Divinus could be even brighter than Lumos Maxima?"
"You know Latin?" Hermione blinked owlishly as her mouth hung agape in shock. The lightning-scar teenager felt her face heat up as she shrugged.
"Bits and pieces. Final year of primary school we were given the chance to pick classes to prepare for high school and how it would be like and Dudley choose Latin just cause one of his friends parents forced them into it and Dudley didn't want to have to take P.E." Lily explained, hoping her reddened face wasn't too obvious. "Of course, Dudley hated it and threw all his text books away into the other bedroom which is mine now and because he never touched the books… well, I have to do something to entertain myself during the summer if I'm not writing to you or Ron."
The girl saw a glint in Hermione's eyes, a dangerous glint that told her she'd have to be careful around Hermione if she ever got her wand out in private from now on, as the brunette girl might decide to try alternate focusing words.
And Lily was not planning to be anywhere near her friend if and when she decided to try and replace Bombarda Maxima with Bombarda Divinus.
"I'll have to research this! Either way though, now your dodging the subject." Hermione surmised suddenly, the glint fading as she remembered the way Lily had been when she walked in, patting the raven haired teen's leg. "So, you feel pain when your name is said but its not a curse?"
"Maybe it was my own fault for saying pain, it's not always pain per se…. just…"
"Uncomfortable?" Hermione prodded gently, a hesitant yet seemingly understanding look in her eye. Lily nodded. "And do you also get that when people call you Potter?"
"Only some Slytherins and Snape and I think we both know why with them." Lily pointed out dryly, getting a nod from the brunette. "So yes, hearing Potter is fine, it's just…"
"Harry." Hermione supplied before wincing as she noticed her friend's flinch. "Sorry."
"It's…. okay. Maybe I'm just being stupid…"
A hand on hers, squeezing gently, reassured her otherwise.
"Not at all. If something makes you uncomfortable or hurts you, you shouldn't let it keep going on, even if it's something that you don't think should be hurting you. I'm not… the best with this kind of thing but even I know that much." Hermione assured. She hesitated for a moment before meeting her friend's eyes. "So, whatever you want to be called for now, tell me and I'll try to adjust. I can't promise I won't mess up… I mean we've spent the majority of the last four years more or less in each other's company and I've always known you as, you know, Harry so I'll probably mess up but I really don't want to hurt you and I promise I'll try to adjust to whatever you want to be called."
…
Wow. Either Hermione knew more than she was letting on or she took nicknames incredibly seriously, Lily thought humourlessly. Knowing Hermione, the girl was fairly sure it would be the former.
"….Promise not to laugh? Or freak out?" Lily asked, shy and nervous, hunching in on herself slightly. Hermione nodded fervently, with a steely determined gaze.
With a deep sigh, she spoke up.
"Lily."
…
"…Like your mother?" Hermione asked slowly after a moment, confirming she heard right. Lily nodded, nervous and wanting to run. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe Hermione would suddenly not want to be so kind to her anymore. Maybe-
Her thoughts were cut off by a hug.
"I was going to ask what spell you used to get past the stairs but I guess now I know. You didn't use any spells, did you… Lily?" Hermione asked, and something inside the tournament Champion soared with delight and relief at that not so subtle acceptance by her friend.
"I didn't even know there was a charm on the stair until…." Lily sighed, continuing her quiet admission. "Until I was already coming up to get you for something and everyone began getting confused when the stairs didn't change."
"Hmm… Lily?" Hermione asked quietly, tightening the hug slightly. The raven haired girl hummed her response, prompting her friend to continue. "I'm probably going to need to adjust to this a bit, it's a surprise but… I promise, no matter what happens, I'm always going to be your friend okay? And I'm going to be here for you. No matter what, okay?"
"You… don't mind?"
"No. You were my first friend- Heck, you're my best friend and come hell or high water, that isn't changing any time soon." The brunette reassured soothingly. "If you don't want to be Harry Potter, if you'd rather be Lily Potter, that is all I need to know, so I can make sure to respect it and stand by you."
Lily didn't even realize how much she needed to hear it until she had felt a vast majority of her tension eek away as she just held on to Hermione and let the relief was over her.
She didn't know when the tears started but her friend handled It with dignity and grace, holding on and rubbing the girls back for god knows how long, muttering quiet comforts until eventually Lily calmed down enough to pull away and wipe her eyes, choking back her tears and swallowing. "S-Sorry."
"No, it's okay." Hermione said immediately, giving a soft, encouraging smile. "I can't imagine how stressful it must have been hiding that. How… how long were you hiding that."
"…Long enough." Lily deigned to answer, looking away. She wasn't entirely sure where the realization, though slow, had begun. She did know that being claimed to be the Heir Of Slytherin wasn't the only thing that had been eating at her in her second year, nor the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets. Hermione didn't need to know that though, she didn't want to hurt her friend with how long she'd taken to confide in anyone.
There was a sudden knock on the door.
"Um…. Hello?" A small voice asked and Lily looked over more bravely than she felt, her eyes landing upon Lavender Brown, whose eyes settled on Lily. Her heartbeat began to pick up again.
Hermione may have agreed to stand by her but how was everyone else going to react to this? Was Lavender about to yell at her to get out? Scream at her she didn't belong here, and hex her for running into the girl's dorm?
Would Pavarti, Fay Dunbar and Helena Bragge all curse her similarly-
"Lily, calm down." Hermione whispered quietly beside her, taking one hand again and squeezing it gently which Lily was immensely grateful for, at being reminded she wasn't alone.
"Right, your clearly pretty worried." Lavender spoke up, clearly having to swallow before she did so, having trouble finding her words. "So maybe the best place to start is you can stay here if you want for now."
Lily looked up in surprise.
"I'd say we discussed it but it wasn't so much that we discussed it as much as Ginny and Katie teamed up to pretty much threaten everyone else at wand point who even slightly said the wrong thing or made the wrong move. Mind you, the Weasley Twins threat was scarier?"
"Threat?" Lily frowned, confused.
"Well, it was said casually. Reminding everyone you were considered part of their family by them…"
"And thus anything done to you would be met with the same kind of reaction as if someone attacked Ginny or Ron from the twins." Hermione realized. Then winced as she realized something more worrying than that. "Or from Mrs. Weasley."
"I don't think anyone wants that howler." A new voice said and they all looked over to see Helena Bragge walking in, a ginger haired girl with blue eyes who usually spent her time with Fay Dunbar. "Did Lavender say we're okay with you staying? We know your probably gonna be pretty nervous to go back out considering how many people you just had that revealed to out of nowhere…"
"I did tell hi- Her- them- Um…."
The Tri-Wizard Tournament Champion darted a look to Hermione, who nodded encouragingly, somehow sending a silent message that she was here if needed. With a nod, the girl looked up shyly. "L-Lily."
"I did tell Lily." Lavender said, looking around slightly lost before looking relieved when she got nods of approval. Lily felt guilty, clearly Lavender was not prepared to deal with something like this today and she felt bad for putting her on the spot like this, even if it was completely by accident.
"That's good. I asked Fay and Parvati to keep stock of the reaction downstairs." Helena said, walking in and smiling as she settled down on the bed just across from Lily and Hermione. "How are you feeling, Lily?"
"…Worried." She answered honestly after a moment. She looked up with a look in her eyes to match what she said. "To be honest… I half expected to be attacked…"
"Never." Helena said firmly, a quiet passion in her voice. "And if someone did, I promise you I'd hex them with such a hard Bombarda they'd find themselves in the dungeons even from up here."
"I don't agree with the violent example… but I would admittedly do something similar." Hermione said after a moment, smiling at Lily, who looked up shocked. Helena shrugged when her eyes landed on her.
"Have a sister whose been through similar circumstances." She said as way of explanation and smiled, moving on. "And if your usual posse is ever busy and you don't feel safe going somewhere, just ask and I'll come with you, alright?"
"Alright… Thank you." Lily smiled after a moment, nodding and it seemed to brighten up the room as her relief started to flood in. Still, a nagging worry made her sigh after a moment and she spoke her mind. "This is going to be all over Hogwarts soon, isn't it?"
It was a rhetorical question that no one answered. No one wanted to be the one to say it but they all knew that with how many In the common room had seen what had happened and the fact that gossip travelled disturbingly easily sometimes in Hogwarts no matter how private an affair was, it was more a matter of time than anything else.
"If I know who it is if it happens, I'll know where to aim my first Bombarda." Helena decided to say after a moment, managing to cheer them up just a little bit.
"Maybe I should talk to the teachers…" Lily considered even as her entire being screamed in worry at such a moment, scared it would somehow get her thrown out of Hogwarts.
An irrational fear probably, but Lily had a problem with always expecting the worst the first time around any time a new situation arose for her that she'd never handled before.
"As our head of house, Professor Mcgonnagal is responsible for taking care of matters I believe would be involved with this." Hermione spoke up matter-of-factly. "Dumbledore probably should also be talked to deal with any large scale changes you want to make, such as getting your name changed within Hogwarts registry."
Lily nodded in understanding before suddenly she found Helena in front of her with a smile. "We can deal with all that later though, for now, we're going to make sure you relax. You were handsome before, Lily and I bet if you give us some time we can turn that around into being beautiful if you let us help you with your looks."
Lily went wide eyed and wished her heart would stop randomly fluttering and hammering in her chest today but she managed a nod, her curiosity and excitement inside unable to be contained that for the first time ever she didn't have to hide her curiosity about something such as this.
"Oh, I can do any spell work to help with some problem spots you might not like for a while." Hermione said, her eyes suddenly glinting but in a way that looked far less dangerous then earlier when they were discussing spells and Latin.
"I have plenty of make-up in my trunk for special days, and I bet I could get through that hair-do of yours with a taming charm my mother uses!" Lavender said excitedly, her hesitance from before starting to fade away at the prospect of a make-over. She looked at Lily who nodded hesitantly and she smiled as she pulled out her wand and flicked it downwards with absolutely no shaking on the wand, in a perfect downwards motion. "Domar Capillatio!"
A cyan coloured spell ripped forth from the excited girl's wand and the next thing Lily knew she felt her hair adjusting, untangling itself on its own and straightening out before it all fell down straight.
A snort dragged her attention over to Helena who immediately raised her hands up at the glare. "Sorry, it will look great in a minute when its all styled, just didn't expect to see Lily looking like an emo with that hair today."
"Emo? Whats that?" Lavender asked confused and Hermione shook her head.
"Nothing worth worrying about, just a muggle thing." She brushed away as she helped Lily up. "Come on, I think we both know the first thing to deal with is getting rid of any hair growing anywhere other than your head. I'll teach you all the charms I know for dealing with things like that."
And that was how Lily found herself, for the next hour and a half, seated upon a conjured up chair as Lavender, Hermione and Helena worked around her, doing all sorts of different things as Lily watched on in quiet wonderment in her seat, vaguely aware they'd gained the audience of Fay and Pavarti at some point patiently waiting to see the end result.
Lily chatted away with them all the while, and they indulged her, easing her into topics and things they'd normally talk about and alternating with stuff Lily was used to being dragged into discussing with the boys in her dorm.
They started with the neutral ground of stuff that wasn't really coloured by gender, all just discussing their impressions on their first day at Hogwarts as Hermione had smoothed her face and helped give it a slight shine from a moisturizing spell, along with fixing her jawline just a bit to be a bit more rounded and provide an easier to alter more androgynous base.
They'd moved onto Quidditch for a short while when the topic of the time Lily chased down Draco came up and the girl got to be on safe ground for discussion as she happily explained away all that happened like it was just the day before while Lavender giggled away occasionally speaking up with instructions to explain how foundation worked to Lily and Helena brushed through the girl's mostly straight hair to get the last stubborn bits of it to comply.
After that, they had moved onto the topic of each other, and their appearances in response to how well Lily's was coming along, in which Lily had managed to embarrass herself stumbling through it by ultimately blurting out she didn't think any of the girls really needed to do anything to enhance their appearances as they were all incredibly pretty as is. Lavender had teasingly asked if she wasn't trying to win them over to helping her with flirting, as she applied mascara with a brush that was apparently supposed to give her big lashes as Lavender suspected they'd go well with her eyebrows.
Needless to say Lily was a blubbering mess for a minute after as she tried to recompose herself, but the girls all took it happily with good humour, continuing to help her get ready. Next was the topic of attraction while they began messing around with various hairstyles.
Hermione had sworn up and down she wasn't attracted to Krum, even as she accidentally let slip a comment about his physique being very impressive, and that she had only gone with him to the Yule Ball because turning down a champion seemed far to rude.
Lavender mentioned her own date with Seamus Finnegan being nice at first before turning into an unmitigated disaster due to the Irish student having unrealistic expectations of what was going to happen that night.
Lily, having been there for plenty of the talks before then where Seamus loudly declared to everyone who didn't want to hear that he was going to get lucky that night.
Lavender had been infinitely pleased when Lily shyly mentioned she and Ron may have placed a conditional tickling charm on the boys bed so that if he stepped over the line he'd be tickled endlessly for the entire night if he tried to sleep on his bed, the only respite being to be able to breath before the 'torture' continued.
Helena meanwhile had brushed off her own time as merely fine, mention she and Dean Thomas get along well enough when they went though they'd both agreed it was strictly as friends and mainly to save themselves the embarrassment of turning up alone to the ball.
Finally, they all got curious, unable to help it despite the personal nature and inquired into if Lily's cold shoulder to Parvati had been due to her secret situation.
Lily herself could only ponder the maybe's of it as she explained she wasn't sure she was really attracted to anyone, as she had no idea what it actually felt like to be attracted to someone and could only guess. She explained however that it likely didn't matter who she went with or when, she'd likely have been out of it as any situation involving the tournament had her unenthusiastic at best and into downright panic attacks at worse, and her distaste and natural coldness on days where the tournament were involved just came with the fact she'd been entered into it against her will.
Between the start of her rant and the end, they'd finally finished up and Lily looked into the mirror before going wide eyed as she stared as though she had been stupefied by who looked back at her.
Her hair had managed to be straightened out mostly except for some frizz and her green eyes seemed brighter and larger as they stared at her with long lashes and a rounded jaw that brought out the natural feminine features of her face amazingly. Her lips were touched with just a hint of pink lipstick, not much darker then her lips natural shade but enough to compliment the other make-up she wore. Her blemishes were easily covered up by the liberal use of foundation from Lavender, giving her a lightly tanned complexion that she quietly mused looked almost identical to Ginny's. A small part of her wondered if she had been born with her mother's red hair maybe she could have perhaps passed for Ginny's twin sister and the two of them could mess with people similar to Fred and George. It was a silly thought but it made her smile grow all the same.
Her scar was untouched. She was used to hiding it but she'd decided she didn't want to hide behind anything anymore, and a part of that was not brushing her hair over her scar every time a single glance came her way
Instead, her hair was now in a sort of bob cut with her fringes now brushes to either side of her head, covering her forehead but not getting in her eyes and having a diagonal sweep to them. The real draw though were the pigtails, which was Lily's personal favourite part if she was being honest. They were simple, going down to her shoulder and over the front, without braids so they were completely straight though they didn't use much hair for themselves so they were only medium in size, not the massive poofy things Lily sometimes saw in magazines.
"Well?" Hermione asked curious, an anxious yet nervous smile on her face as she waited for a response.
"I love it." Lily said quietly but genuinely after a moment, fondness in her voice. "It's perfect."
The girls cheered in response to their work being praised (Well Lavender and Helena cheered, Hermione just smiled wider) and rushed Lily out the room to show the other two girls patiently waiting, who immediately went wide eyed and rushed over to coo over her, amazed by her transformation.
Parvati even dared to admit she looked like one of the prettiest girls she'd ever seen and seeing as Lily and Parvati were understandably on shaky ground at the moment following the Yule Ball, it really did mean a lot to the raven haired girl.
Somehow, somewhere out there, she could feel someone above smiling down on her as she warmed properly to this whole thing. This was the moment Lily Jamie Potter truly came to be, and she knew there was still so much to do, so many people to deal with, challenges to come and not just the Tri-Wizard Tournament kind…
But in this moment, it didn't matter.
Because in this moment, as everything felt right around her and a final bit of tension that remained in her that had been there for longer then she could ever imagine drained away…
She was happy.