Kakyoin's a Brat

by DarlingDearestDemonic

This story is a gift to a reader on Ao3. It's fulfilling the prompt, 'Pins him to the wall and everything goes downhill.' Kakyoin's a brat. And Jotaro's not having it. Purely comical Jotakak smut with a plot, I guess. Deviates from canon (because I said so.)

Author's Note: This story is a gift to a lovely reader on Ao3. It's fulfilling their prompt, 'Pins him to the wall and everything goes downhill.'

We're getting freaky fresh AND funny with this one.

X

Kakyoin's a brat. And Jotaro's not having it.

"Alright Mister Jotaro, we'll make this quick. I know you're a busy man and you've got places to be, so let's just cut to the chase, shall we? We've discovered another Stand user in the Kobayashi district. His name: Noriaki Kakyoin. His Stand is a humanoid manifestation with the power to attack from a long range distance. It's capable of ejecting a powerful wave of emerald-studded force and tangling its opponent in a web of what appears to be elastic tentacles. Your objective is to catch him unharmed and bring him to the Speedwagon headquarters so that we may interrogate him about his motives. Here is his picture."

The suit-clad man slid a glossy photo across the table. Jotaro glanced over it as he took a sip of his midday coffee. He could already tell that he was going to dislike the man in the photo. He had a very punchable face beneath a crop of vibrant red hair sporting a single, elongated bang of red. Jotaro put his coffee cup down and sighed, closing his eyes.

"What's his deal? What has he done to get on the Speedwagon radar?" Jotaro asked. He already had a few guesses about the answer. The Speedwagon foundation had recruited him at a young age to hunt down and capture rogue Stand users. These were the type of men and women who performed heinous acts against the country's inhabitants using their Stands. Just a few days ago, he had been sent to catch a woman who had used her Stand to move in and out of bank vaults at lightning speed. Judging by this Kakyoin-guy's face, he must have had a predilection for something awful like extortion or murder. Jotaro was prepared for the worst.

The Suit Man ruffled through a stack of papers and scrunched his eyebrows as he read the file.

"He um...well, it says here that he uses his Stand to...rob gas stations of their slushies and steal cherries from peoples' ice cream cones at the local fair."

"Are you kidding me?!" Jotaro slammed his fist on the table. "You want me to capture a man like that? At least give me someone worth fighting, I'm not doing that shit!"

"Well, Mr. Jotaro, there are no other open cases and uh stealing cherries is a gateway crime. For all we know, he may develop a fiendish taste for something worse like kicking babies or using his Stand to punch women in the face."

"Good grief," Jotaro said, leaning back in his seat. "So where is this guy, hiding out in an arcade or something? I assume you have someone following him."

"O-of course!" The Suit Man picked up his phone and made a quick call. His face fell as he listened to the person on the other end of the line. He pressed the 'END' button on the phone and looked at Jotaro, a blush blooming beneath his mustache. "It would seem as if you are correct, Mister Jotaro. Noriaki Kakyoin is currently at an arcade in the Kobayashi mall."

X

Kakyoin was a bad bitch.

He flipped his magnificent red hair and thrust his arms out at his side. The flashing neon disco lights of the Dance Dance Revolution machine lit spastically with his every move. He twisted and turned and moved his limbs in time with the music, lost in his dance craze daze. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, humming softly in time with the electric beat.

"Mm hm. Oh yeah. That's right. Who's a star? I'm a star!" He said as he beat the highest score made that day. He had been coming to the arcade for weeks to perfect his craft. He barely even noticed the tall, dark, and handsome man walk into the arcade. Because Kakyoin was just savage like that and didn't bother to note those kinds of things.

"Noriaki Kakyoin?" The man said as he stepped closer to the platform.

"Boo-yah!" Kakyoin said and fell panting against the railing of the machine. He rubbed his scarf against his sweaty face and turned to face the man. Well well well, he thought to himself as he looked into the brightest pair of crystal blue eyes that he had ever seen, what an attractive guy. "Is that a fist balled in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

Jotaro cringed. He actually did have a fist balled in his pocket and he was not happy to see the green-clad dancing twerp. "May I speak to you outside for a minute?"

"How about you offer to buy me a drink first?"

"How about you shut up and follow me?"

"Bo-ring." Kakyoin sighed and maneuvered the maraschino cherry in his cheek to the tip of his tongue. He held the man's eye and began to roll it about, getting spit everywhere. Jotaro cringed again and leaned back to avoid the onslaught. What the fuck, who is this guy? He thought to himself as Kakyoin made weird noises with his mouth that Jotaro never wanted to hear again.

"Impressed? Or maybe a little jealous?" Kakyoin asked, swallowing the cherry whole. Jotaro grabbed him by his collar and dragged him off of the platform.

"In your dreams, you elf-looking freak," he grumbled. "You're coming with me."

"Naughty," Kakyoin said to himself, blushing ever so slightly. Jotaro dragged him through the arcade and outside towards the dumpster area. Once there, he threw Kakyoin against a wall and got right up in his grinning face.

"Alright, here's the deal. I don't like you already and I'd rather be done with this whole fiasco as soon as possible. So you're going to do one of two things: either you're gonna surrender right now and come with me to the Speedwagon headquarters or I'm going to have my Stand punch you into oblivion and drag you there by your obnoxiously red hair. Either way, it'll be quick so hurry up and make up your mind. Got it?"

Kakyoin put a finger to his chin and made a dramatic show of thinking Jotaro's words over.

"Tick tock, motherfucker," Jotaro said.

"Well, on one hand," Kakyoin held out his palm, "I do like the idea of surrendering to such a handsome hunk like you. Shame I don't have my bunny ears and golden leash to complete the scene."

Jotaro pulled back, sneering in disbelief. What the fuck was up with this guy?

"On the other hand," Kakyoin continued, holding out his other palm. "I'm also equally fascinated by the idea of you dragging me. Hmmm. What should I choose?"

"Well?"

"Well, I say we roleplay. Let's pretend that you just captured me after an exciting standoff. You have me pinned against the wall, like so, and I'm on the verge of giving in. But right before I do, you do that thing that all the good guys do right before the climatic (excuse the pun) moment of capture."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"You say your catchphrase, of course!"
"Are you kidding me?" Jotaro said, shaking a very bobbleheaded Kakyoin. "Do you think this is some bizarre anime that we're in? You think I wanna waste my time coming up with a catchphrase for someone like you?"

Kakyoin crossed his arms and pushed out his bottom lip. "Do it and maybe I'll surrender peacefully."

Jotaro thought for a moment. Waves of distaste oozed off of him like a sweltering heatwave. He was damn near ready to pummel the obnoxious pout off of Kakyoin's face, whether or not he 'surrendered peacefully.'

"Alright, how's this," Jotaro said, pulling the brim off his hat lower over his eyes. Star Platinum appeared silently behind him. "Are you hungry?"

"Am I...hun-"

"BECAUSE I HAVE A KNUCKLE SANDWICH FOR YOUR ASS!"

"ORA!"

Star Platinum swung his fist back right as Kakyoin yelled "Hierophant Green!"

Kakyoin's Stand materialized in an instant. Silvery tentacles unwound themselves from its figure at lightning speed and latched onto Jotaro's body. He was yanked up and off of his feet and suspended upside down in front of Kakyoin.

Fuck, he thought to himself, I completely forgot about his Stand's powers.

Kakyoin daintily brushed the wrinkles off of his uniform as Jotaro swung back and forth, his mouth blocked by a tentacle. Kakyoin walked up to him, hands behind his back, smiling fiendishly.

Crap, I've really done it now, Jotaro thought to himself as the blood rushed to his face. His hat fell off of his head and landed before Kakyoin. I wonder what he's going to do to me. Despite that goofy attitude, I'm sure he has a few violent tricks up his sleeve.

"Kinky," Kakyoin said, pushing Jotaro's suspended body back and forth through the air. "You look so flustered, I might just leave you tied up like this forever. You know, I never caught your name. Doesn't matter. I'd much rather hear you call my name as you beg for mercy."

The tentacle slithered away from his mouth and Jotaro yelled, "Kakyoin!"

"There you go, you're getting the hang of it!" Kakyoin said, clapping in delight. "But what to do with you? I could tickle you until you pass out-"

He stopped and tickled Jotaro in places that really ought not to have been tickled. Jotaro wheezed and burst out laughing, squirming angrily against his restraints as he did so.

"Knock it off, Kakyoin," he giggled, tears streaming from his eyes, "I'll fucking kill you!"

"Hmm. I see why you don't smile much. Creepy." Kakyoin put his hands on his hips. "I have an idea! Do you remember the scene in the American movie Spiderman where Peter Parker kissed Mary Jane upside down in the rain? No? I can show you. You'll be Peter Parker and I'll be Mary Jane! And when we're done, I'll kill you and leave your body behind the dumpster."

"Are you unhinged?" Jotaro roared. Kakyoin tossed his scarf over his shoulder.

"Fabulously so. Now, Jotaro, are you hungry? You won't be after you taste these sweet lips."

He leaned in to Jotaro, lips puckered and pinker than a naked baby mole rat's asshole. Jotaro turned his head to the side, his life flashing before his eyes when suddenly Kakyoin's phone rang.

Kakyoin paused and held it up to his ear. He listened for a moment in silence. His face went from surprise to annoyance to surprise again. He laughed uncomfortably and began to apologize profusely to whoever was on the phone. Jotaro watched him with hatred seeping out of his eyes. He tensed his muscles to test Hierophant Green's strength but the Stand had no discernible weak points.

"Okay. Okay! I'll be there soon. Love you too, mom." Kakyoin hung up and looked at Jotaro in disappointment, his impressive eyebrows creased along his forehead. "Sorry 'bout that. We'll have to continue this tentacle porn later. It's my mom's birthday today and I completely forgot! Bye now!"

"..."

Jotaro watched as Kakyoin just fucking walked away, smiling as if nothing had ever happened. He gave a wave over his shoulder without looking back and disappeared around the corner. Jotaro waited, still tied up in Hierophant Green's tentacles. Finally, when he assumed that Kakyoin was far enough away (Hierophant was a long distance Stand, after all,) Kakyoin's Stand began to disintegrate. The tentacles melted away from his body and Jotaro fell all cat-style and cool-like to the ground. He picked up his hat and placed it stoically on his head.

"Good grief," he said as he adjusted it to the perfect spot to complement his strong facial features.

What the fuck was up with that guy?

X

Jotaro woke the next morning with a raging headache. He lifted himself from his bed. As he did so the sheets fell away from him, revealing a perfectly toned shirtless body and fine, slender hips.

"Jo-ta-roooo," his mother sang as she pranced into his room. "There's a phone call for you -"

"BE QUIET, YOU NAGGING BITCH," he roared. "Since when did I ever take calls before twelve?!"

Holly paused, looking very shocked at his outburst. Then she pressed her hands together before her chest and squealed happily. "O-kay!" she sang. "But Jotaro, I heard you up last night grunting and groaning in your room. Maybe if you went to bed earlier you wouldn't be such a sleepy-poo in the mornings. What were you doing anyways, exercising?"

Actually, he had been up late angrily jacking off to the picture of Kakyoin.

"Yeah, you could say that." He grumbled. No need to get too specific. He stretched and pulled his covers back over his chest.

"Here you go, baby!" She said, handing him the phone. She stopped and looked at the picture of Kakyoin still lying flat on his bedside table. "Ooh, who's this handsome young man? Is it a friend? Why's the photo so sticky-"

"GET OUT!" Jotaro roared. Holly clapped her hands together and pranced away, singing, "Jotaro's got a boyfriend! Jotaro's got a boyfriend!"

"Tch." Jotaro held the phone to his ear. "Hello? Who's this?"

"Eric from the Speedwagon Foundation. We spoke the other day about Kakyoin."

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Terrible news, but Dio's been spotted, sir. Closer than we had originally assumed. He's only a few blocks away from your home, in an abandoned warehouse."

"So what do you want me to do? You know I'm not strong enough to take him out on my own yet."

"Of course, sir, it's just that we'd thought it best to keep you updated. We don't have to act at this very moment, of course. But there is one other thing…"

"Hm, what's that?"

"Noriaki Kakyoin is with him."

"FUCK!"

Jotaro slammed the phone down and pinched his eyebrows between his fingers. His headache had gotten ten times worse at the sound of Kakyoin's name. Could it be that Kakyoin was working with Dio? Or was the opposite true and he was being held captive by the man? Either way, Jotaro was curious. He found it hard to believe that the redhaired beanpole elf could be in Dio's favour. In fact, he found it hard to believe that Kakyoin could be in anybody's favor. But if Kakyoin WAS being held captive….well, the Speedwagon Foundation did want him caught and brought back alive.

It'd be quick. He'd make it an in and out mission. He pulled on his shirt and pants and pushed himself out of bed. There was only one warehouse close enough to be of any concern to the Speedwagon Foundation.

He slid into his car and lit a cigarette.

"Hey, no school today?" Holly called over the sound of the engine. "What could possibly be more important than your education? Are you going to fight bad guys or something? Jo!"

"SILENCE!" Jotaro glared at her over the half-opened window. "You're always smothering me! I'm not a child anymore!"

"You'll always be a child in your dear old mother's heart! I remember when you were just a baby and I was still changing your dirty diapers. Gosh, the SMELL!" Holly said, waving enthusiastically. "Bye! Be back in time for dinner!"

Jotaro said nothing to that and simply sped away.

X

He arrived outside of the warehouse ten minutes later. He stepped out of the car and listened. Nothing sounded out of the ordinary, yet he was sure that this was the right place. He could feel Dio's energy wafting about him like a cool mist. Indeed, it seemed as if purple fog was curling from beneath the warehouse door and dispersing in the outside air.

Jotaro walked up and pressed his ear against the wood. Silence and then…

"Every step you take, you'll be in pain." Dio's voice, unmistakably. Then…

"Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather keep walking normally. I'm not very fond of hobbling around."

Kakyoin! I'd recognize that smooth voice anywhere, he thought to himself, squinting slightly as he struggled to hear. And then he paused. Smooth voice? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm acting like I like the guy or something

"Oh please!" Dio said over a soft whooshing noise. He must've brought out his Stand. "I insist! Consider it a gift from me!"

What the fuck was going on?

Jotaro opened the door slightly and peeked inside. There, he saw Kakyoin standing languidly beneath Dio. The blond-haired man was floating above the rafters, his arms spread out triumphantly. He was grinning like crazy down at Kakyoin, and holding something sparkly and purple in his hands.

Before Jotaro knew what he was doing, he manifested Star Platinum and sent him into the warehouse. Quick as a flash, Platinum wrapped its knuckles in Kakyoin's collar and yanked him backwards.

"What the hell?" Dio spat as Kakyoin was dragged away. He had been knocked on unconscious when his head hit the cement. Jotaro jumped in the car as Platinum threw Kakyoin in the backseat, his hand on the young man's neck. Jotaro shoved his foot against the gas and they sped away, his tires squealing against the ground.

X

Kakyoin woke with a MAD migraine. He tried to lift his hand to touch the knot on his forehead but something was in the way. He opened his eyes and saw a rather badass looking Stand hovering between his spread legs. The Stand had its hand on Kakyoin's neck. The strength of it was consistent to the point that Kakyoin couldn't move too much beneath it. Kakyoin blushed and swung his gaze around the car. He saw Jotaro's pitch black hair in the driver's seat and his fantastically veiny hands on the steering wheel.

He wondered whether or not that was the only veiny thing about him.

"Ooh kinky," Kakyoin purred, looking back up at Star Platinum. Who knew that a Stand could actually be attractive? "Hey Jotaro, why don't you come back here and put your hand on my throat instead, hmm?"

"In your dreams," Jotaro said, his eyes never leaving the road.

"Oh, so you know about those, huh?" Kakyoin said with a sigh. He shifted and Star Platinum tightened his grip ever so slightly.

"Are you always so insufferable or is it just for my pleasure?" Jotaro asked sarcastically.

"If I was doing anything for your pleasure, there'd be no questions about it, Mister…?"

"Jotaro. And I'd appreciate it if you refrained from moving or making silly comments. I'm doing you a favor by taking you far away from Dio. I don't know why exactly I'm doing it but I do know this: if you get up to any funny business, I'll use Star Platinum to snap your scrawny neck. Got it, Kakyoin?"

"What makes you think you're doing me a favor by taking me away from Dio?" Kakyoin hissed back. Jotaro was a daddy type and he totally was into that sort of thing.

"It seemed like he was on the verge of kicking your ass back there."

"Huh? That? No, Dio and I are best buds. We go waaaaay back."

"WHAT?!" Jotaro slammed his foot on the brake and twisted in his seat to glare back at Kakyoin.

"Yeah. Right before you came, he was offering me his sparkly purple stilettos since I beat his high score in Dance Dance Revolution."

Jotaro thought back to the conversation he heard Dio and Kakyoin having in the warehouse.

Flashback

"Every step you take, you'll be in pain." Dio.

"Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather keep walking normally. I'm not very fond of hobbling around." Kakyoin

"Oh please!" Dio. "I insist! Consider it a gift from me!"

Flashforward

"What the hell? You've got to be kidding me. How did you, of all people, manage to make friends with Dio? How do you make friends with anyone at all?"Jotaro yelled. He yanked around in his seat and stomped the gas pedal.

"Jotaro, why must you hurt me so?" Kakyoin whispered sadly to himself, watching the melancholy spring trees undulate gently beyond the car window as Star Platinum suffocated him and Jotaro insulted his social life.

What a wonderful world.

"All this tough talk you're doing, you might as well pull the car over right here and shove your cock in my mouth…" Kakyoin continued.

"No," Jotaro said, grimacing.

Oh well. It was worth a try.

"Anywaaaaay, " Kakyoin drawled lazily. He lifted his hand and twirled a single red loc around his finger. "I was actually kidding about the Dio and I being friends part. He wants to kill me, just like you."

"I can't imagine why."

"No? I'll tell you. He, like you, thinks I'm annoying. However he, unlike you, also knows that my Stand is extraordinarily powerful. When I can be bothered to use it."

"If your Stand's so powerful, then why don't you use it to break out of Star Platinum's hold?"

"Because it's hot! And so...non-consensual." Kakyoin winked at Jotaro in the rearview mirror.

Jotaro didn't say it, but the way that Kakyoin licked his lip just then made him kinda coo coo for Kaki.

"So do you want to kill him?" Jotaro asked, secretly adjusting the fabric over his crotch.

"Running into him back there was just happenstance. I don't want to kill him, not unless he seeks me out specifically...like a certain someone..."

"Hey man, I'm just doing my job," Jotaro growled back. "And since he wasn't offering you purple stilettos back there, I think I'm correct in assuming that he was going to break your legs and then kill you. Am I right?"

"Sure yeah I guess," Kakyoin said poutily. Star Platinum removed its grip and Kakyoin sat up, rubbing his neck.

"So why don't you do both of us a favor and help me kill him?" Jotaro said. "That way, we can get him out of the way for both of us, permanently. Do you have any idea where he's living?"

"...maybe…"

Narrator

Narrator: It was at this point that the intrepid Noriaki Kakyoin lied to the oblivious Jotaro Kujo!

Kakyoin: Hey, what the fuck? Who said that? I'm not lying!

Narrator: The severely underappreciated and devilishly handsome narrator did not appreciate being talked back to.

Kakyoin: Then maybe the narrator should just mind their own business and go write fanfiction smut or something.

Narrator: Noriaki Kakyoin is a BIG FAT LIAR!

Kakyoin: Hey, I'm not fat, okay? I've been wearing a corset to bed everyday for the past month! I may be a liar but I'm not a fat one, got it?

Narrator: The fat and intrepid Noriaki Kakyoin proves the narrator's point!

Kakyoin: Why you -

End of Narrator

"Who are you talking to?" Jotato asked.

"Mind your own damn business," Kakyoin snapped back, still disgruntled by the unseen narrator's calling him out.

"So are you gonna tell me or not?"

"What's in it for me?" Kakyoin asked.

"Dio won't kill you. And maybe I won't."

"Yeah but I don't even have proof that Dio's trying to kill me yet."

Jotaro face/palmed. Hard. "Keyword: yet."

"Oh, shut up HO-taro. I like to worry about my own problems as they arise."

"Grrrr…KAKYOIN!" Joyaro yelled and swerved the car violently. Kakyoin was thrown bodily out of his seat. "Or maybe I should call you COCK-you-in from now on. Fine, I'll play your little game. What do you want in exchange for information about Dio's whereabouts? Bribes? Threats? Treats?"

Kakyoin's eyes went dark and he fell silent. Jotaro didn't trust the evil expression that suddenly crossed his otherwise dopey face. He knew then that Kakyoin intended to put him through the ringer. Dio's location was no joke. In fact, if the Speedwagon Foundation gained information about where the Discount Dragon Ball Z Wannabe Vampire spent his days, it could change the course of the world!

Jotaro tightened his hands on the steering wheel, eyeing Kakyoin suspiciously. What devious desire could Kakyoin possibly have? Access to nuclear missile codes? The secret location of Atlantis? Jotaro's body covered in chocolate and whipped cream?!

Kakyoin raised his finger and pointed dramatically at Jotaro. "I want…"

"What? Spit it out already!"

"I want..."

Jotaro began to sweat. His hands shook on the steering wheel.

"Come on, what is it? I don't have all day…"

"I WANT...Slurpees!"

"Tch! I'm already one step ahead of you, cock-you-in. I knew a vile and obnoxious creature such as yourself would want something as dangerous as a...Slurpee?"

Kakyoin crossed his arms and sat back in his seat. "You heard me, Ho-taro. I want Slurpees. Cherry, to be precise. And if you don't get them for me, I'll never tell you the location of Dio's hide out." He stuck his tongue out.

Narrator

Narrator: Kakyoin -

Kakyoin: Shut the FUCK up!

End of Narrator

"Who are you talking to?!" Jotaro asked, glancing angrily around the small car. But Kakyoin had suddenly become distracted.

"Oh look, a 7/11 conveniently materialized in the road up ahead," Kakyoin said, pointing at a 7/11 that had conveniently materialized in the road up ahead.

"Good grief," Jotaro said and turned the car into the parking lot.

X

Kitty Galore leaned the mop handle against her chest and stretched her arms above her head. Working at 7\11 could be so boring. There was nothing to break the monotony except for irate customers and broken gas pumps. She wished something exciting would happen. She wished...she wished…

She glanced around the empty store before crossing her fingers nervously and closing her eyes. Nothing wrong with a little midday fantasizing now, was there?

"I wish, I wish, with all my heart that two buff schoolboy hotties that look like something out of an anime would come into my store and trip over my mop bucket. Then they'll be all wet and they'll have to take their uniform off and expose some SERIOUSLY ripped muscles beneath thin tee shirts."

Right at that moment two buff schoolboy hotties that looked like something out of an anime came into her store and tripped over her mop bucket. They cursed each other, dripping wet and limbs tangled.

"Great job, klutz, you ruined my expensive uniform jacket!" The one at the bottom of the kerfuffle said.

"Me?! You're the one who tripped over the mop bucket, you Micheal Jackson lookalike!"

Kitty watched as they both took off their jackets, exposing SERIOUSLY ripped muscles beneath thin tee shirts, and she was just like…

"...hot damn…"

"You there! Female! This guy here wants a cherry Icee!"

"ICEE!?" The red-haired one cried in a strangled voice. "Did I say that I wanted a fucking Icee?!"

"YES you DID!"

"Should I have Hierophant Green check your hearing?! I said that I wanted a Slurpee!"

"Give me a brea-...they're the same thing, Kakyoin!"

"NO they are NOT, Jotaro!"

"Actually," Kitty said shyly, raising her finger-

"BE QUIET, YOU BITCH! YOU LOOK LIKE A STRIPPER!"

Kitty crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the raven-haired man. "Yeah? WELL SO DO YOU!"

"Okay okay let's all calm down," Kakyoin said, holding his hands between them. "It looks like we all just got off on the wrong foot. I only wanted Slurpees, not a war. Jotaro, apologize to the stripper- I mean - cashier -"

"Hey!"

"- so I can get my delicious ice cold beverages."

"He has to do much more than that to get in my good graces!" Kitty spat. "Tell him to take his hat off, spin it around and say, 'I'm a naughty, naughty boy!' in English."

"Jotaro!" Kakyoin said, pointing dramatically at him.

"What the hell, I'm not doing that shit!"

"I guess you don't want the secret location of Dio's whereabouts…"

Jotaro seethed. He menaced. He glared. The other two seethed, menaced, and glared right back at him. Finally he sighed and took his hat off.

"I am a naughty, naughty boy," he sang in a flat voice, swinging his hat above his head. Kitty and Kakyoin smiled. They fist bumped, high fived, and locked pinky fingers.

"Slurpees are right over there. Help yourselves," Kitty said.

X

The two men settled into a plastic booth. Kakyoin had an array of cherry Slurpees in front of him. Jotaro simply had a steaming paper cup of black tea, which he sipped at angrily. Both of their jackets were slung over the seat, drying in the quickly setting spilling from the large window.

"It's rather simple," Kakyoin was saying, stirring his straw through the cherry red ice. "Originally the slushie was named 'Icee.' But then the 7/11 chain took the recipe and created their own brand called the Slurpee. Icees are sold everywhere but Slurpees are only sold at 7/11. Slushie is the name of the actual drink itself."

I'm babysitting an actual child, Jotaro thought to himself. "Kakyoin. I'm a man who doesn't care about a lot of things. So why the hell would I care about the name of a kiddy drink?"

"It's not a kiddy drink, it's a way of life! And by the way, if I care, you care. And due to the way that you're talking to me right now, I'm starting to care less about Dio. So you must be feeling the same…"

"Alright, alright. You're a prick, did you know that?"

"You are what you eat."

Jotaro was all like, "what?"

And Kitty, standing behind the register and eavesdropping was just like, "...hot damn...Hot Cheeto hair is a savage."

"Anyway," Jotaro continued slowly, choosing to ignore Kakyoin's last comment. "I bought you Icees-"

"Slurpees." Kakyoin hissed like a snake.

"Whatever! Are you happy now? Can you please tell me Dio's whereabouts?"

"Oh, I don't know. Should I?" Kakyoin rested his cheek on his hand and gazed out the window thoughtfully. Because, as the narrator really wanted to add, he actually had no idea where Dio was hiding. Red cherry juice dripped from Kakyoin's fingers and rolled down his neck before dissolving into the fabric above his chest. Jotaro watched it and suddenly felt very thirsty.

In more ways than one.

He clenched his hand around his cup, spilling tea everywhere. "What else do you want? Legos? Fucking weed chocolate?"

"Let's make up a secret handshake!"

Narrator

Narrator: Kakyoin didn't have any friends when he was little. So he had never had anyone to make up a secret handshake and drink Icees with. That's why he was so excited to do it with Jotaro. And he also had a big, fat crush on him, too.

Jotaro: Huh, who said that?

Kakyoin: *seething* Don't worry about it.

End of Narrator

"You...oh my fucking God, are you ki-"

"Kidding you? No." Kakyoin held out his hand. "Now follow my directions closely, Jotaro. I'm not repeating myself. Hook your fingers in mine. Slide them away. Snap three times. Hook your pointer finger to mine. Bump your fist. Smack the table. Say 'oh yeah' and point a finger gun at me while winking your left eye. Give me a high five - up high! Down low. Too slow! Bump the bottom of my fist. Twist your wrist around - TWINKLE fingers and now JAZZ HANDS! Patty cake, patty cake with no hands. Stomp your left foot, heel toe and - TAH DAH! The best secret handshake!"

Jotaro had actually worked up quite a sweat following Kakyoin's instructions. He dropped his hand, panting, and glared at him over the table. He was slowly coming to the conclusion that he'd just have to find Dio without the Talking Cherry's help. Surely, anything would be better than fulfilling Kakyoin's embarrassing little requests.

"One more thing," Kakyoin said quickly, seeing the rage flare up in Jotaro's electric blue eyes. He raised his finger.

"I'm not taking you to fucking Disneyland…"

"I'd fully expect you to take me to knock off Disneyland if I asked. Anyway, no, I want, uh...order me a pink DS!"

"The fuck...?" Jotaro said, raising an eyebrow. "Okay, deal. Now tell me."

"Hold on hold on hold on," Kakyoin said, holding his hands out. "No. I changed my mind. I want you to...take off your shirt and pour this Slurpee all over your chest!"

"I second that!" Kitty Galore squealed from behind the counter.

"SHUT UP, YOU THOT." Jotaro roared.

"...I still second it, ho."

Jotaro clenched his teeth. That was it. That was the last thing that he'd do for this fuckwad. He was a man of dignity, and he felt like it was being chipped away by Kakyoin's utter nonsense.

This is bullshit, he raged quietly to himself. He promised himself that as soon as he got the relevant 411 on Dio's whereabouts he would tell the Speedwagon Foundation and go there with backup. He'd 'ORA' Dio's pink ass into oblivion and then cut Kakyoin's hair off in his sleep. He reached back and pulled his pale green tee shirt over his head.

Kitty and Kakyoin 'ooh'ed and 'ahh'ed at his thicc boi muscles with stars glinting in their eyes. He picked up the Slurpees and tossed its contents over his shoulders. The ice rolled down his body and shimmered along his chest. He felt kinda pretty, but he'd never tell Kakyoin that.

"Yeah, you like that, you little freak?"

"To-ta-lly," Kakyoin whimpered in English.

"Now tell me where Dio is."

"Huh? Oh yeah. See, I actually have no idea. But hey - look on the bright side! At least now we can say that we're friends-"

Jotaro snapped then. He reared up and grabbed Kakyoin by his collar. He heaved him up and slammed his back into the window, pinning him. The remaining Slurpees went scattering along the table.

And then it all went downhill from there.

"Suck my dick," Jotaro commanded.

"You mean metaphorically or…"

Jotaro unzipped his pants in response. Kakyoin gulped.

"Oh...so literally?"

"What do you think, smart ass?"

He pushed Kakyoin down so that his face was level with his raging, throbbing election.

And then Kitty was just like, "...hot damn..."

She ducked behind the counter, fearing for her life. She didn't know what was about to happen but she did know that it would be kinky as fuck.

"Consensual non-consent," Kakyoin said in excitement. "Lucky for you, I'm into that sh-"

Jotaro rammed his cock in Kakyoin's mouth. Kakyoin gagged and swallowed, his eyes watering. Jotaro grabbed him by his hair and began to guide his head back and forth along his humongous man meat.

"I've been wanting to do this ever since I saw your sorry face at the arcade in Kobayashi mall."

"Was it something that I said?" Kakyoin came back up for air but Jotaro pushed him down and he gagged again, sounding too much like a chicken that just had its tail feathers plucked off. Kakyoin's eyes rolled up in his head as the slobber began to roll down his chin.

"Now tell me, does my dick taste better than that cherry slushie over there?"

Kakyoin gave two thumbs up. "Five star!" He slobbered and Jotaro pushed him back down.

"Good, because that's all that you're getting from me for the rest of the night."

He picked Kakyoin up and lay him belly-down across the table. Kakyoin's ass looked so nice beneath his tight green pants. Jotaro removed one of his belts, pulled Kakyoin's pants down and spanked him. Hard.

Kakyoin cringed and arched his back. "Harder, daddy."

Jotaro spanked him even harder. He was secretly turned on by the fact that Kakyoin had called him 'daddy' but he'd never tell him that. This time he used his hand and with a resounding SMACK left a large hand-shaped bruise that Kakyoin wouldn't soon forget. He smacked him again.

"Jeez, Jo, you gonna smack me around all night or stick that thing inside of me?"

"I was getting to it."

Jotaro gripped Kakyoin's hips and did exactly as he was told. Kakyoin held on tight to the table as Jotaro railed him, oftentimes so hard that his feet lifted off the ground.

"Oh and just so you know, I lied," Jotaro grunted as he rode Kakyoin like a little fucking jetski. "I'm not not getting you a pink DS."

"What?!" Kakyoin cried in dismay. But Jotaro quickly covered his mouth as he came all over Kakyoin's back and hair.

"Don't worry," Jotaro said as a dizzy Kakyoin brought a hand to his head in embarrassment. "It's an improvement.

"If you say so." Kakyoin said. He removed his hand from his hair and held up two sticky fingers. "Round two?"

Jotaro sighed. "Good grief." What was with this guy?

X

It was an odd sort of night in which Dio really wanted a Slurpee. He walked along the street in his yellow and green get up, looking at each store. Finally, his eyes settled upon a 7/11 across the street.

"Excellent," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Now, it's time for a delicious frozen beverage to satisfy the regal whim of a man such as myself."

He walked to the side entrance. Quite conveniently, as he completely missed the sight of Jotaro and Kakyoin smashing the living hell out of each other in the front window.

He rapped on the side window and it opened to reveal a mousy haired attendant.

"Two Slurpees," he said, holding up two fingers.

"Uh SLURPEE machine's broken," she said, her eyes nervously darting towards the commotion behind her.

"What? Look here, you cursed brat-"

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I SAID THE SLURPEE MACHINE'S BROKEN! SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR MALIBU KEN ASS LOOKING SELF HOME AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Kitty Galore slammed the window shut in his face. She had no idea that she had just shocked the Lord Dio into stupidity. She slid down onto the floor and simply stared at Kakyoin and Jotaro going ham on each other across the way.

I should become a stripper, she thought as Jotaro gagged Kakyoin with his belt, I don't get paid enough for this shit.

X

Author's Ending Note:

*wheezes* Y'all. I just...I can't. Writing the 7/11 intro scene with Kitty, Jotaro, and Kakyoin sent me to a higher place. Every time I read it while editing it made me laugh and I hope it made you laugh, too.

But writing this literally made me go insane, but in a fun way. My phone kept auto-correcting Dio to 'Foo' and Jotaro to 'Jotato.' Now I'm just imagining a potato with Jotaro's hat and eyes saying, 'good grief.' I'm also gonna call Jotaro 'Ho-taro' from now on and Kakyoin 'Cock-You-In.' I just...omfg this was a wild ride. Thanks for indulging me (and my Mystery Prompt Person!)

Dio is a Malibu Ken looking ass, lord have mercy. It's midnight where I am, y'all. I'm going to sleep.

Kisses,

DDD