Chapter 3: The Talk

The walk allowed Tsubasa to calm her nerves. She was still not used to being outside, in a foreign part of the city, and the danger of getting busted for skipping school only added to the stress.

The warm, gentle breeze blowing over the Chidorigafuchi Park hit her face and filled her lungs. It helped her forget. She was now walking besides her friend down the sandy walkway without any real destination.

Friend.

The word filled her with euphoria. She had a friend. Kanade was her friend. The more she thought about it the more it seemed like a dream to her, but no, when she looked to her left, there she was, with her red, wild hair, athletic figure bright smile. She was everything Tsubasa dreamed to be.

Dreamed to be herself, she corrected her thoughts.

"We could not have picked a better day", the redhead said, pulling Tsubasa out of her thoughts.

"Y-Yeah", Tsubasa stuttered.

Kanade was right, the weather was lovely. The sun stood high, spreading its warmth all throughout the country, and the sky was without a cloud. It was painted in the prettiest blue Tsubasa had ever seen. The wind was silent, and whenever it passed her, it carried the smell of the blossoming cherry trees surrounding them with it.

The park was well-visited as well, with people walking and chatting everywhere Tsubasa looked.

"So, tell me about yourself", Kanade said.

"What… what do you want to know?", the younger girl said. So, it was this kind of talk. She hated talking about herself. It made her aware of her many shortcomings as a person.

Kanade scratched her cheek in thought. "Hm, I don't know… what do you like to do in your free time?"

"Reading and learning", she replied.

"Learning?", Kanade asked, her voice full of genuine shock, "that's not free time, that's work. I meant hobbies."

Tsubasa's face fell. "I… I don't have any hobbies."

"Really? Not going out with friends and such?"

A weak shake of her head, followed by: "I don't have friends. Besides you."

Kanade sighed sadly. "I'm sorry." She approached one of the metal railings framing the sandy walkway and took a seat. Tsubasa emulated her.

"How come?", the older girl asked, her voice almost a whisper.

Because I am weird was the first answer coming to her mind. And it was quite possibly the most honest answer in her eyes. The only reason she decided on another was that she did not want to worry Kanade.

"Because I am different", she decided to say.

Kanade looked at her with concern. She waited for Tsubasa to elaborate, but when she realized that she will likely not do it on her own volition, she asked: "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I don't have the interests other girls my age have. I hear them talk sometimes, at lunch. They talk about fashion, about going out, about where they went and where they want to go, about who is cute in what boy group…"

A gentle smile creeped its way on Kanade's face.

"…and I am just sitting there, and I can't relate to any of this. I just want to be alone, at home, but at the same time, I want to be a part of that."

The smile on her face grew wider and warmer.

"I know it doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry."

A warm laugh came from Kanade, making Tsubasa throw her a surprised look. "You make a lot of sense, actually. I've seen how you react around people. May I make an assumption?"

Still a little bit puzzled, Tsubasa nodded.

"Maybe your interests just lie elsewhere. You want to have friends, but not necessarily the ones in your class."

"What do you mean?"

"It's quite easy, really. You said you can't relate, right?"

A second confused nod came from the younger girl.

"And there is your answer. I believe you just want to be part of the girls in class to belong anywhere, but would you really belong if you do not share interests with them?"

Tsubasa stayed quiet, but the gears in her head turned.

"Let me answer for you", Kanade continued, "No, you would not. You would feel just as alone and empty, you just changed the cause of those feelings."

Tsubasa thought about what she said. Maybe she was right. But she was so starved for friends and affection that she would play along. How bad could it be? Would beat being alone all the time.

"You would only betray yourself", Kanade continued, as if she read Tsubasa's mind, "and you could never achieve happiness that way."

A sigh came from the younger girl. "Maybe I am just not cut out for having friends. I should just stick to my books."

"That's bullshit", Kanade replied, maybe a bit angry, "everyone can make friends. You just have to find the right people. And besides, I thought I was your friend."

"Of course you are", Tsubasa almost yelled.

"You see", the redhead answered with a sly grin, "you are cut out for having friends. It does not matter how many you have, it matters how good friends they are."

For a moment the two stayed silent, giving Tsubasa a bit of time to think about everything they talked about.

"Oh, by the way", Kanade suddenly began, "can I ask you a personal question?"

The confusion on Tsubasa's face was obvious. "I thought we already are talking about personal stuff."

Kanade rolled her eyes. "Okay, more personal then. There was something you said that stood out to me."

Tsubasa racked her brain. What did she say? She honestly could not remember.

But then Kanade asked a question that shook Tsubasa to the core: "Are you gay?"

Tsubasa could almost feel her heart stop. A cold shiver went down her spine as her breath got stuck in her throat. When she was finally able to speak, her voice came out as a whisper: "What… how… why do you think that?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I just noticed you said you could not relate when girls in your class talked about cute boys."

Tsubasa opened her mouth to speak, protest, scream, anything! But her voice failed her.

"And", Kanade added, twisting the metaphorical knife deeper into her, "I noticed a few glances you threw my way when we met."

A truck hitting her with 180 miles an hour would not have half the impact Kanade's sentences had. Her mind was completely blank for a second, only to scream in panic shortly after.

"But… me… I'm not!", she protested. Her face was bead red, her hands fidgeting in her lap.

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with it."

"There is! It's unnatural", she yelled. People walking past her stopped and gave her some judgmental and sometimes concerned looks.

The smile on Kanade's face was sad, her voice filled with sorrow. "No, it's not. It's what you are. You are not unnatural, believe me."

Tsubasa felt the heat of her tears running down her cheeks. "But my dad said…"

"Who gives a crap what your dad said?"

"I do", Tsubasa yelled again, her voice breaking. "He expects me to get married, to have children. I am supposed to continue our family's bloodline. I can't do that when I'm…"

"Oh, boy", the redhead sighed. She slowly understood where Tsubasa's problems had their roots. "Your parents are pretty conservative, aren't they?"

"My grandfather and my father are. My uncle is actually pretty cool, but we don't have much contact."

"And your mother?"

The moment the question left Kanade's mouth, Tsubasa's face fell. "She… she's gone."

Her friend fell silent for a long second. When she finally spoke, she whispered: "I'm sorry." She did not ask what happened, which Tsubasa was thankful for, as the wounds in her heart created by her mother's death never healed. She just learned to live with them.

"And how do you think your mom would take it?"

Tsubasa lifted her head to look up towards the sky, wondering if her mother is watching her right now from above. She wiped the dried up tears from her cheeks and sighed. "I don't know. I was very young when she passed. I hardly have any memory of my time with her. But the few images I have in my head always show her smiling at me."

"Seems to me like she loved you very much."

The younger girl nodded crestfallen.

"You know, I think she would have been fine with it", Kanade said, back to her usually happy and carefree self.

"You think so", Tsubasa asked, carefully optimistic and sceptic at the same time.

Kanade gave her the biggest grin she could muster. "Absolutely. Which mother does not love her child? She seemed like she wanted you to be happy."

Being happy. Is that really something her life had in store for her? She was not sure. Her family had expectations. She was the one to carry the family name. She had to be the perfect woman. To a man. Otherwise she would not be perfect, right?

Right?

"I can guess what you're thinking right now", Kanade said, "stop it."

Tsubasa could do nothing more than look at Kanade in surprise. She was about to protest, telling her she was wrong, but her friend already continued.

"Don't think about what your family expects of you! The only thing that should matter is whether or not you are happy with how thing are now and how they will be when you continue down this path."

"You don't understand", the younger girl protested. She stood up from the railing, the tension in her body too much to bear. "It's my family we are speaking of. They will never accept it! I have to be perfect! I have to be special!" Tsubasa could hear her voice break during that last sentence.

A humorless laugh came from the redhead, sounding equal parts ridiculing and commiserating. "Special? Is that what they told you?" She patted the railing besides her and waited for Tsubasa to sit down again before continuing: "Look at the people in the park."

Tsubasa was confused but decided to do as she was asked, studying the people walking to and fro. Some young, some old. Couples, single people, men, women. Some relaxed, some tense. She saw people listening to music on their phones, others in conversation. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Before she could ask what she was supposed to see, Kanade spoke: "Did any single one of those stand out to you?"

Tsubasa silently shook her head.

"I figured. But every single one of those people heard the same thing in their childhood: Be special. The problem is just that. When everyone is special, no one is."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Don't try to be special. Just be yourself! You told me that your family wants you to be perfect, but that's absolutely impossible. You are human, and as such flawed. But that's what makes you who you are. Everyone in the world has flaws. Me, you, the people here in the park, your father. They are not a fault. They are what makes us human. They are beauty marks, if you will."

"Easy for you to say", Tsubasa sighed. "I never learned to be myself. I was always just supposed to fit into the role my family decided for me."

Kanade studied her friend silently for a few seconds. She was unsure what else to say and decided that it was best to let Tsubasa's mind rest on their conversation a bit. So she stood up from the railing and said: "Well, I don't know about you, but my butt is getting pretty tired sitting on this thin metal beam. What do you say we walk around a bit again?"

Tsubasa nodded. That sounded like a good idea right about now.