Chapter 7: The Closet

The remainder of the school day she was jittery, hardly unable to control her excitement and emotions. Every now and then she peeked at the paper, as a little part of her still did not quite believe this day a reality.

With the school day finally coming to a close, she threw her bag over her shoulder and walked quickly out of the building, her house the destination. She strolled down the usual path, her step lighter than usual and a little smile on her face. She could hardly wait to tell Kanade what happened today!

"Well, someone's happy."

And speak of the devil, there she was. Standing on the little dirt road, their little meeting spot, as it seemed, she greeted her with a sly grin.

"Kanade," Tsubasa began, jogging up to her. "You would never believe what happened today."

Kanade took a tiny step back and said with a bright smile: "Easy, there, tiger. What's going on? I've never seen you this energetic."

But Tsubasa, disregarding what Kanade said, continued: "I met this woman today. You should have seen her. She just came up and talked to me."

Kanade's grin grew wider, if that was even possible, as she understood what Tsubasa implied. "Looks like someone is in love," she teased.

She froze as she heard Kanade's words, and reminisced. Was she in love? Was that how it felt? Thinking back on it, she never felt so good in her entire life. And why? Because some woman gave her her number? A gorgeous, beautiful, sexy woman?

Tsubasa sighed. In a way, she always knew it. It was just so unbelievable to her. Everywhere she looked, family, music, strangers, movies… It was always 'girl kiss boy, boy kiss girl'. It was just how she thought the world worked.

Until that conversation with Kanade. Her question still rang in her ears every now and then: "Are you gay?"

Thinking back, she never had a crush on guys. She never even really acknowledged them. Besides the men in her family, she did not have any interest in socializing with males. She always wanted friends. Female friends. But why was that? Simply because girls should have other girls as best friends, as they could talk with them about stuff they could not with boys? If they are best friends, why would the gender matter?

Or was there an ulterior motive behind her thoughts? Did she want female friends because she liked looking at them? Touching them? No. No, this could not have been the reason. She never felt the way she did with Maria before in her life.

Her thoughts trailed back to the scene under the tree. It was almost romantic. They sat there, next to each other, the wind gently blew around them. She remembered her face, this beautiful, enchanting face. Those sparkling blue eyes which regarded her with such gentleness that she lost herself in them. Those pillowy, full lips she wanted to feel on her own so badly…

She was head over heels for this woman.

"I guess you're right," she whispered.

But Kanade, ever the teaser, raised her hand next to her ear and said: "Excuse me, what was that? I thought I heard something."

"You're right," Tsubasa replied louder. It was surprisingly easy to say.

Kanade's smile grew gentle and her voice took a comforting tone, as she spoke: "I told you, there is nothing wrong with it. You are happy, right? So where is the problem?"

Yes, where is the problem, indeed? Her family. Yeah, that's the problem. They would not be acceptant. Especially her grandfather. He would be angry, yell at her, call her names, shun her.

But why would she care? Kanade was right. She was happy! Yes, she liked Maria. Yes, she was in love with her. Yes, she liked women! That was fine. Normal. Who cared what he thought, anyway?

Asshole.

She felt good the way she was. Yes. She felt great. Kanade was absolutely right. How could she have been so blind? She tricked herself for years. But enough is enough. No more. She would live her life her way. The way it was supposed to be.

Perfect.

She was perfect.

"There is none," Tsubasa replied confidently.

"Now you are speaking my language. If your family gives you trouble, I will tell them off personally, don't worry." She pounded her chest proudly.

"Thank you, Kanade. You're a great friend, you know that?" Her voice was chipper, energetic.

Kanade threw her a crooked grin and replied: "The only friend you'll ever need."

"I can't wait to talk to her! I even got her number," the blue-haired girl said, bouncing up and down on the spot.

Her friend chuckled. "Well, I wish you luck. Give her my regards, will you?"

"Sure!"

Tsubasa reached home not long after. Kanade said her goodbye at the door, giving the girl a last push of courage to confront her dad about her sexuality. She knew it would be tough.

She found her father in the living room, sitting on a zabuton around the table reading his newspaper. Seemed like he had some free time right now. Lucky.

Or maybe not. With every step she took, closing in on him, her heart beat accelerated. When he noticed her and looked up at her, she could feel her breathing stop.

His face took on a form of concern when he saw his daughter standing there, pale as snow. He lowered the newspaper onto the small table, and spoke up: "Tsubasa, is everything alright?"

He wanted to walk up to her, but as he was about to, she took a seat opposite him.

She did not speak a word for a solid minute, or even looked at him.

"Tsubasa…"

"I wanted to tell you something," she interrupted him suddenly. "I need to tell you something!"

Her father folded the newspaper together and put it on the ground, keeping the table clean for him to rest his intertwined hands on it, signaling her his undivided attention.

And her breathing became irregular. Her heart felt like it was about to burst out of her chest, her hands were wet.

"Tsubasa," her father said. His voice was calm, gentle; caressing and soft. "Please, calm down. Whatever it is you want to say, just speak freely. I am here for you."

His words helped. She could feel herself calm down a little. Enough at least to sort the words in her mind.

"There… there was this…" her voice broke. She cleared her throat and started anew: "I think…"

"You think, what, honey?"

"I… I think… I… I…" Again, her voice gave in. She took a deep breath and willed her hands to stop shaking.

She had to say it.

No matter the consequences.

Now or never!

"I think I like women," she yelled out.

She tensed every muscle in her body, her eyes closed shut as tight as she could. She was ready for any rant, any yelling, any beatings that might come her way. Not that he ever had beaten her, but who knew where his breaking point was.

But nothing came.

She sat there, stiff, silent, in fear. But all that reached her, was silence. But no tense silence, like after a fight or similar. No, the silence was calming, relaxed.

Carefully, she opened an eye to peek at her dad…

…and saw him smiling at her.

His reaction confused her. Apparently, her face showed just how much, as he chuckled a bit upon seeing her reaction.

He nodded silently, planning out what he could say in his head. For a few seconds, he kept looking at her and smiled reassuringly.

Tsubasa did not know what to say; what to do, even. She felt her heart beat pick up again the longer the silence dragged on.

"Well…" he broke the silence. "I admit, I am surprised. Maybe shocked, even."

She felt the world cave in around her.

"But it should not be your concern. I said I'd support you, and I mean it. If you're happy with it, then so be it. I think I personally need some time to grasp the whole situation. You know how the family is. I had this image in my head of you become a loving wife to a successful man and having kids, continuing the bloodline."

Here it was. The reason she was so afraid of coming out. She not only disappointed her father, but her entire family! She was a fucking disgrace!

"But again, it should be none of your concern. I admit that our worldview might not be the most… up-to-date, so to speak. But you are my daughter, and you are more important to me than some dusty old family tradition."

Tsubasa could not believe her ears. Where is the screaming, the scolding? This can't be right!

"Are… aren't you angry?"

A mix of surprise and horror spread over his face. "Why would you think that?"

He stood up and walked around the table. Tsubasa did not know what happened to her as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Tsubasa…" he began, his voice calming. "I could never hate you. Nothing you could do would ever change my mind on that. You are my daughter, and I love you more than anything. Never forget that, you hear?"

The emotions overwhelmed her. Her face buried in her father's shoulder, her slender arms pulling him closer, she cried harder and more freely than she ever did in her life, like a boulder of stress dropped of her heart.

Her father pulled her closer himself, patting her head as he felt his own eyes sting.

It seemed it was time for another call.