Chapter 15: Back Again

Was there a name for the feeling that took hold of her? Forlornness, maybe, in every sense of the word. The sun stood high, but even out here, in the yard of her house, everything looked dark and colorless. The birds singing, for other people a symphony of joy, sounded like the screams of the dead to her.

Scream. She would have loved to do that. But she felt like she screamed a thousand times already, and never reached any hearing ears. Her throat hurt by now.

She stopped taking the pills two days ago. So far, no real changes. But really, what did she expect? A miracle? That the moment she stopped taking this cursed medicine her world was bright again? Fuck, no.

But she hoped, still.

Her vision wandered to the seat next to hers at the white garden table. Kanade was sitting there, seemingly relaxed. Her eyes were open, staring into the sky, never blinking. It was weird.

Tsubasa did not know what to think of that. When she appeared, she seemed like a normal girl, when she started taking those pills, she distanced herself. And now it seemed she was getting closer, but acted strange and weirdly disturbing.

Tsubasa decided to ignore her, as best as one can ignore a person one's mind could place where ever it wanted.

Tuesday.

She could not await the day to arrive. It seemed like Maria was the only thing bringing some kind of light into her life; her personal sun.

Damn, she sounded so stupid. She was fully aware of that. Nothing would ever happen between them, nothing. And why would it? She didn't deserve Maria. Maria was perfect. Tsubasa wasn't. She didn't deserve happiness.

She deserved suffering.

She knew that. And she was suffering right now. Locked in the cage she called her life. Hungry for a ray of light, but forever starving.

She sighed. Tiredness overtook her bones. The last few days she seemed to be exhausted around the clock. She could fall asleep right now, if it wasn't for her mind going two hundred miles an hour for some reason.

Her eyes darted back to the girl next to her, like every few seconds. Maria said she would be talking to her again. In her mind, a million scenarios were created. Would she be angry? Happy? Sad? She honestly had absolutely no idea.

And what would the Tuesday bring, the appointment, where she would see Maria again? Well, naughty thoughts, for one. That much was for certain. She imagined what she would be wearing, how they would talk, and laugh, maybe, and possibly, it would lead to more. She imagined the two kissing, touching. She knew it was wishful thinking, but right now, she relished in the thought.

Her eyelids became heavier again. Sometimes the world before her eyes seemed to wash away, the sounds of her surroundings muffling. A sudden jerk went through her body for some reason, before her eyes closed again, and she finally drifted off into sleep.

She woke up more exhausted than before she fell asleep. She found herself tangled and turned in seemingly impossible ways, causing her back and shoulders to cry out in pain as she tried to straighten herself and stretch.

"Did you sleep well?"

Tsubasa groaned as she tried to get up from the chair. "No. I feel like shit."

"Where are you going?"

"Inside," she replied. "I am hungry."

With painful steps she made her way into the house, beelining towards the kitchen. Her stomach growled heavily, demanding to be filled.

"Wow, I heard that, even."

She entered the kitchen, and quickly pulled open the fridge. "What did you expect?" she answered. "I haven't eaten all day." Her eyes scanned over the food. Juice and fruit; fish and eggs. Some slices of meat were there, wrapped up nicely.

"Those bananas don't look so bad."

Tsubasa sighed. They really didn't. "Yeah, I guess you're right, I guess I'll have one." She reached into the fridge.

"Tsubasa?" a familiar voice called out.

She froze. Her vision turned to the left, to the kitchen table. Her father regarded her with a worried look. She didn't even notice he was in the room! Slowly, it dawned on her what happened.

"Y… yes?" she asked carefully.

Her father wanted to walk up to her from the seat on his table, but stopped midmovement. It seemed like he reconsidered, not knowing how to handle this situation.

Involuntarily, Tsubasa's eyes wandered around the room. No one else was there, only her and her dad. So, who was she talking to?

"Is… is she back again?" he asked.

Was she? Tsubasa talked to someone, she was sure. She heard something talked to her. But did it sound like Kanade?

Her confusion must have been written all over her face. Her father approached her and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. "It's okay, honey. Maria told me this would happen. It's okay, I am here for you."

Her smile was uncertain, as she replied: "Thank you."

The banana was not filling in the slightest. Sure, it might have quenched her hunger a bit, but just two hours later she could feel her stomach grumble again. She didn't want to get up, however. Sitting in front of her PC, surfing the internet, she loved it.

Mostly because it kept the voice at bay.

"Still hungry, are ya?"

Or not.

Tsubasa sighed. She really wanted to ignore the voice, but something in her head urged her to reply. She turned around, towards where she perceived the voice, and answered: "Your questions are really annoying."

"Oh, I know," Kanade replied with a crooked grin. She hesitated for a bit; her face seemed thoughtful. She leaned back onto her hands on Tsubasa's bed and said: "I missed ya."

"It's only been a few weeks," Tsubasa grumbled.

"Well, those weeks were shit. I thought I'd never see you again. I warned you about that bitch."

Tsubasa rolled her eyes. Here it was again.

"Don't give me that look. You know I am right. You saw what she did."

"No," Tsubasa replied with simmering anger in her voice. "I do not know."

"Oh, you do. You just don't want to believe it because you're crazy about her. You were a wreck the last days, goddammit! That was not you!"

"You know, I really did not miss your constant bitching." Tsubasa could feel the anger in her rising even more.

"When will you see her again?"

"You are in my head. You know when."

Kanade groaned. "Goddammit, girl. Why are you so difficult all of a sudden? Just answer the fucking question!"

"Tuesday," she sighed out.

"Alright. I'll come with. You'll see I am right. I was right about your grandfather, wasn't I?"

Tsubasa did not really feel like humoring her, so she simply shrugged her shoulders. "Lucky guess."

"Yeah, no, fuck you too. You know damn well I knew what was going on. Imagine what would have happened if you didn't give him this lecture! And why did you give it to him? Because I warned you about him!"

Now it was Tsubasa's turn to groan out in frustration. She wanted to reply something, but decided Kanade wasn't worth any more words. So, she played a video and put on her headphones, turning the volume up to maximum, in the hopes of drowning out Kanade and her rumbling stomach.

"You'll see that I am right."