Tie Your Heart at Night to Mine, Love
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning: there's a foul word on this chapter. If you're a teenager (and even if you're not), I need you to know that it's not okay to call people that. Let's make the world better and brighter, shall we? :)
Hermione broke the kiss, her warm breath still dancing over Remus' tingling skin. When their gazes met, there was weight to her brown eyes.
"It's a promise."
The first thing that followed her words was a torrential urge to weep. It choked his throat, constricting his chest like a python winding itself around him and showing no signs of letting go. It was the wrong choice – her answer should have been no, despite how desperately he wanted her to say yes. Remus clenched his jaw. Perhaps even more so because he so desperately wanted it – the feeling of going through his books wishing to find she'd unwillingly tied herself to him still raw in his gut. He deserved no promises. There was no circumstance in which being his mate was in any way worthwhile to her.
And, truth be told, nothing scared him more than her acceptance. It was the thing he craved the most and there was nothing he wouldn't give for it, and yet... Merlin, he needed to run before she became further entangled with the likes of him. Or, worse still, before he took her at her word and the scant control he worked all his life to develop – both over himself and the wolfish instincts – came crumbling down around him.
He willed his mind to function. Willed his lungs to draw breath. Most of all, however, Remus willed his magic to Disapparate.
But when the sight of Hermione dimmed around the edges – black as the corners of too old a photograph – it wasn't due to the Disapparition spell. A darkness all of its own swallowed him whole and the last thing on Remus' mind before he lost his senses was a foreign, growly voice, uttering a single word.
Mine.
And Remus had neither time nor the strength to fight it.
When Hermione opened her eyes, she knew her actions had been rash. Not because she didn't mean what she had said, but rather because the myriad of emotions speeding through Remus' eyes told a much more complex tale than expected. There was wistfulness, clear and heartbreaking as if in a dog kicked one too many times yet still – deep down – longing to be accepted. And perhaps the metaphor fit too well for comfort in this case, causing her heart to shrink a size or two at the realization. Amidst the melancholy, other emotions, not as easily ascertained, shone. None of them light, none remotely close to joyful – and she should have cajoled him further into accepting his worthiness before kissing him because, as he sat, caged by her arms, all she could see in his face was the need to flee and, for a moment, she considered letting him.
Until the decision was taken away from them both, that is. Remus' eyes changed and not to the balanced coexistence of yellow and green Hermione had witnessed before. No, pure, molten gold now stared back at her, holding her gaze in something of a trance, of the likes that would transpire in those marked seconds before predator and prey began their chase, and she daren't draw breath for dread of setting it off.
Once again, the decision was taken away from her. He towered over her slowly, shoulders squared and chest thrust out in an un-Remus way, lifting his body from the chair with such control it proved impossible not to watch. And, as he did so, she let her arms fall to her sides and stood upright, following his unspoken lead. He didn't blink, didn't make a single sound, and she could feel her heartbeat in her chest picking up, pounding against her ribcage erratically, the increased effort still insufficient to warm her icy hands. When his nostrils flared, Hermione backpedaled, her mind no longer there.
Whomping branches and slashing leaves
Pain and panic
Humid, narrow passage-ways
Terror
Betrayal
Mortification
Sympathy
Fear, fear, fear
A throaty, warning growl sounded, and Hermione snapped out of the downward spiral of her recollections, her gaze refocusing sharply at the wolf in man's clothing before her. It was then that she remembered—wolves could smell fear.
Hermione fisted her hands, and the prick of her nails against her palm helped her ground herself. Pull yourself together: he's reacting to your reaction. He is your mate, he doesn't see himself as a threat. Just… talk to him. Or to it. Although it – he is a sentient being and I would never call Dobby "it". Fighting my shock-addled brain for beings' rights – I do feel rather more myself now. And I'm stalling.
Hermione released the air trapped inside her lungs, willing herself to calm down. When she looked up again, his eyes were still gold, still watching her. "I'm sorry. I was just alarmed, you caught me off guard. And, God, this is a bit nerve-racking, but I'm not afraid of you per se. Not-not that you're not imposing, but I know you don't mean me any harm. I'm not leaving you – either of you. Although I will need a bit of time to learn how to do this right, so bear with me for a while, will you?"
Hermione drew the breath she had not taken during her little speech. She had babbled. At a werewolf. Absolutely brilliant, Hermione! Good thing you're his mate, otherwise…
Hermione suppressed a shudder. Well, otherwise she would rather not think about it.
The werewolf didn't answer. Hermione wasn't sure it could – she would have remembered reading about it, but she doubted anyone had tried to talk to a werewolf before and being the first to ever try was a tad exciting. While now was not the time for academic curiosity, obtaining knowledge had always been something that put her at ease, and she couldn't help but feel a thrill at seeing the glint of awareness in the wolf's gaze. At seeing him relaxing ever so slightly. He'd understood her!
Transfixed by the discovery, Hermione had reached her hand up and towards the edge of his jaw, when she remembered herself and froze, her fingers inches away from touching his face. "May I?"
She couldn't bear to let him believe she feared him, but, in whatever bout of insanity she could claim for herself, Hermione had just asked a werewolf to be patient with her—she had no intention of pushing his limits.
He caught her wrist in his hand, gentler than she could even fathom, and led it the rest of the way, butting his cheek against her palm. Not unlike Crookshanks used to do, and the familiarity of it had her sliding her hand behind his ear and scratching his nape, nails catching slightly at the short, prickly hairs there. He leaned into her touch, eyes closed, and when he opened them again they seemed softer. Brighter.
"Would you bring back Remus? I'd spend more time with you, but I have a sense he'll object and this is a conversation we must have."
Remus didn't remember getting up. Nor did he remember Hermione cupping his cheek or the ecstatic look in her eyes. The last he had seen her, she'd been staring at him, beginning to…
No. No, no, it wasn't possible. The moon was not full – not for another week at least, and he was in control. He should be in control. Except Remus had no memory of standing up or of Hermione touching him after their kiss. What he could recall, however, with every single hair on his body standing up, was that voice. His shoulders tensed up, and a cold drop of sweat ran down his back, freezing everything in its path.
Outside of a full moon, the wolf was usually there: looming underneath his consciousness, feeding into his primal instincts. But it had never before taken full control of his body. And Remus did find something that scared him more than Hermione's acceptance.
"Stop! Please, stop." Hermione said, drawing his attention to her and continuing before he could try and drown into what happened. "He was just afraid you would run and wanted to make his feelings known. And you were going to, weren't you? You're still thinking of it."
And he was. An episode such as this – him losing control over his body around her to a creature, for Merlin's sake – only further confirmed the need to. "Hermione, you cannot possibly imagine…"
"Then make me! Because it seems to me that you're more afraid of yourself than I am. And it's too grueling an existence to live like this."
And he wanted so hard to let her sway him, to heed her impassioned speech about him mattering and believe her hopes for the future – their future. Hope came so easily. James, Sirius, even Lily… they too had spoken of a future after the end of the war when people like him would not be discriminated against.
All they had to do was defeat Voldemort. And all that had really changed was that they had been killed.
And still – for a little while, when he had her sleeping in his arms a few days before – Remus had hoped against hope that he could keep her. Hoped in equal measure that she would leave, for her sake, and not look back.
And all that pointless hoping maddened him more than he could express with words, his contempt for it simmering in his tone as he spoke. "A life with me… it wouldn't be made of the things that fill romance novels."
"Well, I shall hope not. I find them rather dull."
For the first time ever, Remus leveled a glare at her, "This is not a joke, Hermione! I'm dangerous. And not only that, they would call you— they would say you are—"
"A werewolf whore?"
Remus fell silent.
"It won't sting an ounce more than Mudblood ever did. I refuse to be affected by name-calling any longer. All this time, all the years I've lived in the Wizarding World, and you even before that… Our fight was never against Voldemort. We fought against prejudice and ignorance being imposed through violence and cruelty. Voldemort was only an icon, the embodiment of it."
"This is not about Voldemort. It's not even about the war…" And he had to tell her. Had to confess. Had to do his very best to make her take back her promise. "I felt disappointed, Hermione. Disappointed you had not already chosen me when you called upon my magic. Despite promising myself I would ensure you would always have a choice. I wished, more than anything, that you were already tied to me." And Remus could no longer bear to look at her. "Even like this, I'm still a monster."
He felt as Hermione grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and stared at her delicate fingers against the frayed fabric.
"Being a monster wouldn't make you feel this way. But being human will. You kept a secret for so long… and it's not a weight you need to bear alone anymore, Remus. Selfishness is one of the most human emotions out there and you're allowed to feel it once in a while. None of us are impervious to it – trust me, it doesn't make you a monster." At this, she pulled at his sleeve until Remus leveled his gaze with hers. "Everybody has a wolf inside, Remus. Yours is just rather more literal than the rest. And, if you must know, mine is quite taken with you."
Hermione's statement hung in the air between them. Remus leaned forward, his mind searching viciously for a protest, but he could no longer fight her, not after that. Instead, he wove his fingers through her hair, pulled her into his arms, and held her for all he held dear.
He was lost – how could he ever leave now?
When Remus finally managed to let go, the corner of her mouth was raised in a half-smile, "Although I am keeping the books. I've been told I'm exceedingly curious. Too much so for my own good."
And he could feel his own smile showing, small though it was, "Merlin forbid anyone ever accuse the brightest witch of her age of not studying a topic thoroughly."
"Books and cleverness, that's me."
And the fiercest, most giant heart he'd ever come across. Remus couldn't look at her and not be in awe of it. He had seen the parts of her that went beyond the layer she presented the world, had watched them for afar for years. And, from close by and directed at him, they were that much brighter. How could he not love her for it?
Remus cleared his throat, reluctant to leave yet wary of what he might say if he stayed. "I will study your parents' photograph and come back once I'm finished. Good-bye, Hermione."
Earlier that day, Remus had believed the books would make her flee. Once she learned all the small, private hells that came with being a werewolf or being close to one… Yet Hermione had dealt with the wolf and emerged unscathed. Petted it, even, if the hand that had been on his cheek was any indication, as if his complete loss of control were nothing. And then she proceeded to rally for him against his own arguments.
This time, Remus thought that maybe, just maybe, he was allowed to hope for something beyond his wildest dreams: happiness.
Time would tell.
A/N:
Quick and important statement: I've debated changing the rating due to the foul word I used in this chapter. It won't appear again, so I've kept the rating at T, but if you think differently let me know and I'll up this to M.
Hey guys!
Whew, it's been a while. So much stuff has happened since I've last updated this story... It started with my dog (who was with me since I was a kid) getting really sick and the countless times we had to take him to the vet until there were no other treatments the vet could try. Soon after I started my Masters program and I absolutely hated it. The pressure was ridiculous and it sucked out my will to learn, but it was something I had wanted for so long and was so freaking difficult to get in and not an opportunity easily accessible to everyone... I didn't want to give it up, so I stayed for around eight months. It messed up my mental and emotional health to the point that, when my mom encouraged me to quit (I had been having frequent anxiety attacks and nightmares in which I failed the course horribly), I spent a whole month in bed with labyrinthitis due to stress. In the midst of it all, this story was plagiarized and it took over five months of repeatedly contacting the moderators of the website it was published on to finally get them to take it down and ban the person's account (a big shoutout to Amelina Lestrange who warned me about it as soon as she saw it up).
If you ever wondered what had happened to me, well, that's pretty much it. After all this, I had absolutely zero will to write.
And why, you may ask, I'm I telling you all this?
1. Because I've missed you so much! I can't apologize for taking this long to update, but I wanted to at least let you guys know that it wasn't intentional or because I don't care about you or the story. Knowing you all enjoy reading it is the main reason why I'm back (after all, I know how the story goes, but it's really no fun unless I can share it).
2. Because there's a very high chance someone's life is hell right now and they're reading this story to escape (I did that a lot this past year). If it's not your case, all the better! But if it is, I feel you. You will get through it and this shitstorm will pass, trust me. There, I needed you to hear it :)
All my love to...
My reviewers: katetastic, Journalism13, Chantal9, Crossy70, MoonKitten02, renee-emz, thGP, caprubia, Guest, empc523, MoonyGirl828, NeverIsTheEternal, N0601859, heyphillyphilly, NAncy Cortez, catalina05, and riversgirl75.
To moonmione, Pookie0819, TeaJo, Shinnah, catalina05, EspressoPatronum13, SeeMeLaugh, SinfulDivision, kayleenesbitt1, LFEvery1, Wolfbridge, calaguala, MonMonMuffin2714, MissMoonLightRoses, Demyxprussia, SilverSnape, IsAry, jesseknows, Boothsdoll061, Nanouchy, The-DaytripperBear, Kurokami-Snow, LRMstarr8, Animacosmica, LilaRoseNight, darkdestiny13, Nasrin Amherst, Puppylove626, juuhvtzh, Acostacandi, Ms Breezy, Senpaimaterial, sidtrix, WitchThorn24, lojosmom, 6elfie, spookygolin, EloiseBlake, BeatriceSmith-2, Emcorsones, Raerkyza, Yuuki Otsutsuki-chan, MoonyGirl828, and LadyBlitzs for adding the story to their favorites.
And to riversgirl75, moonmione, , gypsykl79, kea1981, TeaJo, Shinnah, DrucillaM, catalina05, theqilz, yoongls247, vblair25, Mkcaraher, EspressoPatronum13, Sharyk's, wolf1980, eyeseemore, adara1103, Jane2004, NAncy Cortez, sollea3, Wolfbridge, calaguala, mickylayla, MonMonMuffin2714, MissMoonLightRoses, ashveer2407, Demyxprussia, SilverSnape, LilyMalf23, Laura-dora, ohheyisabella, Boothsdoll061, magandakoi, Laughing Luck, ReaderRabid2, justbeingme77, Destiny1999Fangirl, SecretNerds, LRMstarr8, Animacosmica, jocillyria, CracksinthePavement, enya ravenclaw, Nasrin Amherst, The Android is Dreaming, Puppylove626, juuhvtzh, Acostacandi, HP-and-PJ-for-the-win, Ms Breezy, N0601859, gabytahijar, Natix74, TheDolphinAnimagus, WitchThorn24, maeveiluka88, 6elfie, LightToTheShadows, Barbie77, That Sweet Bit, EloiseBlake, Adhara Cassiopea Black, Lupita07, BeatriceSmith-2, MarchesaLace, majda01, kpisces318, NoobAtTheKeys, VKScarlett, caprubia, renee-emz, InsidetheHood, Hope of the Darkness, Yuuki Otsutsuki-chan, AFenwick, Ash B Bramble, MoonyGirl828, Colormewonderful909, MWolfe13, and PrincessSparkles95 for following!
To guest reviewer: I'm glad the size of the chapters is a good fit for you! I can't handle writing chapters longer than 2000 words (2000 is actually a little too long for me) because I have a really hard time editing and fleshing out the scenes. And the more parts there are, the more stressful and frustrating it becomes. I hope you'll continue to enjoy it and thank you for the review!
To guest reviewer (thGP): I'm so glad you think so! I never intended for it to be a slow burn, but it kinda shaped out be that way and I'm actually happy it did. Thank you so much for taking the time to review, it means a lot to me!
See you guys later! I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review if you can :)