"Hey, sorry I'm late!"
Miguel jumped out of the recess of his deep thoughts as Hawk joined him where he was sitting on the park bench, under the streetlight that must have turned on a little while ago when he wasn't paying attention. "Hey," he responded, scooting over so his friend could perch himself next to him.
Scanning the mostly-empty park, Hawk raised an eyebrow and said, "So, are we just gonna hang out here? 'Cause, y'know, big, open park at sundown, this kinda looks like a drug deal's about to go down. And I don't have any weed on me right now."
"Very funny," remarked Miguel with a breathy laugh.
Hawk stretched his legs out in front of him and extended his arms along the top of the backrest, like he was making himself comfortable. "Got your text earlier. Is the plan really to come back to school at the start of the month?" he asked, enthusiasm thick in the question.
Miguel nodded. "Yeah." Back to at least some version of normal, right? Some version. And he could only imagine the warped reality that was waiting for him back there at school. No more living in his own world, separated from everyone else. Time to return to the thick of things.
Why did it feel like he was about to walk into a war zone?
Hawk clapped his shoulder warmly, and a big grin spread over his face from ear to ear. "That's great! Does this mean you're done with the therapy and hospital visits? You're back in the game?"
Wishing he could feel as excited as Hawk sounded, Miguel answered, "More or less."
Hawk wrapped his whole arm around his shoulder this time. And, to his own surprise, Miguel wanted to melt into the touch. Even through his hoodie, it felt warm against the cool night breeze. "Alright!" Hawk cheered. "So, can we expect to see you back in Cobra Kai by then, too?"
Miguel wanted to just go ahead and tell him yes. A big part of him was desperate to try and make things as they were work out for him. But his gut instinct was yelling at him, saying that it was a terrible idea, even if he couldn't explain why. And Sensei Lawrence had taught him to trust his gut instinct.
Nothing about the situation felt right. It still didn't even seem real. To Miguel, it was like a nightmare he hadn't woken up from yet. Sensei Lawrence no longer owning Cobra Kai. Most of the other guys siding with Sensei Kreese in his taking it over. Miguel couldn't shake the feeling of being stuck in the middle of something much bigger than himself, something he could barely wrap his head around.
Normally that wouldn't have been so intimidating. But after his talk with Sensei Lawrence earlier that day….
"No! Everything you said about quitters before—"
"It doesn't matter what I said before, alright? I was just spewing bullshit. None of it mattered."
None of it mattered….
What more could he do if Sensei Lawrence wouldn't fight for Cobra Kai? Was this the reality now, was he supposed to give up on the Cobra Kai the two of them had built together, the one he'd come to think of as an extension of himself? Was he supposed to quit, too? Because the Cobra sleeping inside him, waiting to be reawakened, recoiled at the thought.
Miguel sighed. Avoiding Hawk's question, he asked, "Do you ever miss the old days?"
He hesitated to mention Sensei Lawrence's name around Hawk. The previous couple of times he did had done nothing but drive tension between them. But Miguel wondered if maybe Sensei would be more willing to get back involved with Cobra Kai if he knew the others didn't hate him.
Hawk's grin softened with nostalgic fondness. "All the time," he admitted. Miguel then watched a harder, more determined look stiffen his expression. "I mean, not everything. And some things now are actually a lot better than they ever were. But you'll see for yourself. I know it's not exactly the same, but it's not all that different. You and me, kicking ass at the top of the class, it'll be just like old times."
Hawk made it sound so easy, so simple. And perhaps it was, for him. But rather than be uplifting, his words hurt Miguel. Had Hawk not enjoyed how things used to be? Were things so bad for him then that he'd welcome such an extreme change from Sensei Kreese? Did he actually hate Sensei Lawrence after all?
"Yeah, maybe," Miguel mumbled, running his hands down his tired face. "Sorry, I got a lot on my plate, y'know? I mean, I'm gonna have a lot of catching up to do, with school and with karate." It wasn't an excuse, but it sounded like one to his own ears. Because he wasn't wrong, he did have a lot of training ahead of him if he hoped to get back to where he was before. But he didn't want that training to be with Sensei Kreese.
Hawk withdrew his arm so he could turn to face him. Miguel was sorry to lose the comforting contact. It had felt nice.
"Sensei Kreese can help you get back on top," promised Hawk. "He did it for all of us, and you're way tougher than any of the other guys. He'll have you back in fighting shape in no time, man."
The thought tempted Miguel again, but he couldn't get Sensei Lawrence's warnings about Sensei Kreese out of his head. But he was sure that voicing them now would only lead to a fight. He didn't want that. So he said, "I don't think I'm ready for Sensei Kreese's, uh, radical approach to training."
That made Hawk's eyes narrow. "It's not that radical," he argued. "He just cuts through the bullshit. It's back to the old way, the way that had you and me dominating the All-Valley Tournament. With Sensei Kreese in charge, we're never gonna lose again. And we're gonna get back at Miyagi-Do for what they did."
Miguel stared at him, his brows pinching together. "How? Their dojo doesn't even exist anymore."
"You wouldn't know that from the way things have been going on at school," retorted Hawk, his scarred upper lip drawing back in an angry scowl. When Miguel kept staring in confusion, he went on. "Ever since the fight, people there keep talking about how Miyagi-Do beat us. They treat those shitheads like they're badasses, they rub it in our faces. And we can't do anything about it there, because if we do, we'll get expelled. But this war isn't over yet, and they know it."
Miguel thought back to his fight with Kyler in the school cafeteria. He'd gotten in trouble for it, but his peers had eaten it up; it was what put Cobra Kai karate on the map. Had they reacted in a similar fashion to the brawl? Were they showing the guys in Miyagi-Do the same respect they started giving him after he beat up Kyler and his crew? He didn't know why he might think they would treat the situation differently, if only because of what happened to him. A fight was a fight.
But he couldn't imagine the others in Miyagi-Do took any kind of pride in their victory. Sam didn't seem particularly proud when she'd come to visit him. Far from it. "Maybe Cobra Kai and Miyagi-Do should just leave each other alone for a while." He certainly wasn't interested in a war.
Hawk narrowed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something harsh, but then closed it. After another second, he said instead, "You really have no idea what it's been like."
No, he didn't. "You're right, I don't," Miguel agreed, his voice dropping to a whisper. He'd been completely locked out of his old life. He was caught in the middle of a turbulent storm, and felt like he was being tossed about wildly with no buoy. So many things were out of his control, had been out of it for months, and he couldn't stand it anymore.
Hawk's severe features smoothed over. "Hey, it's not your fault," he clarified, giving him a light-hearted elbowing to his side. He shifted where he sat, like he was uncomfortable all of a sudden. For a brief moment, his eyes got sad before he disclosed, "I hate seeing you down in the dumps like this all the time."
Miguel met his eyes, holding them until Hawk tore them away. "Sorry," he said, his shoulders slumping, rubbing his hands together to get the cold out of them.
Shaking his head again, Hawk clarified, "No, I mean, I get it. I'm just letting you know, you'll always have a place at Cobra Kai. You're gonna get past this shit and back to being the champ." He reached out a hand and clasped Miguel's knee, like he was trying to convey his feelings in a way he was struggling to verbalize.
Letting a faint smile come over his lips, Miguel pointed out, "You sure you're not worried about the champ coming back to take his number one spot?"
"No way," laughed Hawk. "It's been a long time since I got to fight a worthy opponent. And it's not worth being the best if I didn't personally kick your ass to earn it."
Miguel's tight-lipped smile widened. When Hawk talked like this, it made him believe that maybe things weren't as bad as they seemed.
It made him think back to that evening in his bedroom. Of that day outside the dojo. Of hands holding each other too long. Of his hand moving now to rest on top of the one Hawk had laid on his knee. Of how Hawk didn't pull it back.
Miguel found himself leaning forward. Hawk didn't retreat. And when Miguel parted his lips, Hawk did as well. Both could hear each other's hastening breaths, they could see the slight rise and fall in the other's shoulders. And Miguel leaned in a little further still, giving Hawk another chance to say what was about to happen was a bad idea.
Instead, Hawk leaned in, too, tilting his head in invitation. So Miguel closed the remaining space, along with his eyes, and brought their lips together.
He felt Hawk's hand cradling his jaw, and the last shred of defense Miguel had erected crumbled. All of the previous months' worth of isolation, loneliness, and depression moved him to seek comfort freely given. It emboldened him to grab a fistful of Hawk's shirt and tug him closer, wrapping his other hand around the nape of Hawk's neck, kissing him deeper.
Hawk made a faint noise when Miguel finally broke it, and the two sat there for what felt like an eternity, hands still around the other, breaths visible in the air.
Miguel's skin was warm from his thundering heartbeat pumping blood through his body a mile a minute. How had he even thought it'd been cold outside a few minutes ago? "What was that?" he whispered, more to himself than anyone else.
Hawk grinned. "Whatever you want it to be, man. Just live in the moment."
Right then, that sounded like wonderful advice. Live in this exact moment, where things didn't have to be so overwhelming.
So Miguel tried. He pulled Hawk in for another kiss, not caring how crazy this was to be locking lips with his friend in the middle of a park in the evening. Because at least he was acting, at least he was doing something. He felt like a Cobra again. Striking first. Making a move. All of that confidence he'd built for himself since joining Cobra Kai was there for his taking.
Then an alarm bell rang in his head. A kiss. That dumb kiss that started the whole thing. The fight. The kick. The railing. A flash of light, and then darkness….
Miguel broke the kiss with a wince and pushed himself back, scooting over to put some distance between them, taking in a couple of deep breaths.
After a minute, he looked over at Hawk. Thanks to the street light, he could see the dark redness that now openly covered his face. From gusto or from embarrassment? Either way, he looked concerned now. "What's wrong? You good?"
"We shouldn't have done that." The words flew out of Miguel's mouth just so he didn't have to say out loud that, no, he wasn't good.
He watched the flush spread all the way to Hawk's ears. Then he was fidgeting with his hands. Definitely embarrassed. And Miguel didn't blame him. "Why not?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. "I was digging it. Weren't you?"
Yes. He was. But it was yet another new curve ball life was throwing at him, this time one of his own making. He could barely shoulder everything as it was, much less take this new road. He couldn't simply live in the moment. And it wouldn't be fair to Hawk to pretend like he could, either.
"Sorry, I…I can't handle this right now," confessed Miguel. When Hawk's face got stoney and unreadable, he tried explaining more. "No, man, it's not you. It was great, I swear, it's…it's just a lot, okay? There's so much other shit going on…." Too much shit going on to try and register these feelings on top of it.
Miguel looked down at his feet, feeling so weak as he said all that. He had felt nothing but weak, ever since he'd woken up in the hospital. And ever since then, Hawk had treated him like he was nothing but capable. He, more than anyone else it seemed, was ready to see him back in action, thought he was ready.
Hawk rolled his shoulders, like it was no big deal, but the lingering blush put his true sentiments on display. "It's cool, I get it," he said, sitting up straight. "Like I said, it's whatever you want it to be. If you wanna forget it, we'll forget it."
But Miguel didn't want that, either. What did he want, exactly? The power to rewind the clock, to make things easier for himself so he could manage this new situation? To go back in time and handle things at school differently?
What if he hadn't shown mercy to Robby Keene? What if he'd broken his arm instead? The question ripped at his insides, and Miguel couldn't help but take that as a sign of guilt for even thinking it. Because he should've been better than that. And he was. But how could he not at least wonder? Would things have turned out different? Better? Even worse?
"God, fuck, I hate this!" Miguel admitted, leaning his elbows against his knees and burying his face in his hands, not even knowing all he meant by this, much less if Hawk could understand him.
He hated what happened to him. He hated that he did the right thing and was punished for it. He hated all the time he'd spent in physical therapy. He hated the yelling matches between him and his mother he'd had when he still expressed interest in karate.
He hated what happened to Cobra Kai while he was gone, the bad feeling he got in his gut whenever he thought about Sensei Kreese being in charge. He hated that Hawk was always talking about some war, and he had no idea what he meant by that. He hated that Sensei Lawrence didn't think what Cobra Kai used to be was worth fighting for. He hated that the others picked Sensei Kreese over Sensei Lawrence in the first place.
He hated that he had no control over things right now. He hated not knowing when he'd get that feeling back. When would he just be able to feel normal?
Normal. Right. What a riot.
His brain felt fractured. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to cry. He wanted that confidence from a little while ago back again. He might as well have been flung back into the pool with his hands tied. And this time, he didn't know if he had the strength to keep himself from drowning.
Hawk's voice cut through his misery. "Hate what?"
Running his hands through his hair before raising his head up, Miguel didn't know where to start. So he picked a thought at random.
"Like, what's gonna happen once Robby's out?" Robby's time in juvie would be coming to a close before he knew it. Due to their proximities to Sensei Lawrence, sooner or later, they'd have to see one another again.
What was he supposed to do? Forgive Robby, for Sensei's sake? Forgive him so Sensei wouldn't be upset about the swell of anger and hurt that had been churning inside him ever since he'd woken up in the hospital? Don't hate Robby, so Sensei wouldn't hate him?
Thinking about it made his head hurt and his eyes sting. He discovered then how hard he'd been blinking, and rubbed at his right eye to keep the wetness in check. But his loud sniff probably gave away his upset feelings anyway.
Hawk stared at him for a quiet minute, his mouth a little agape. Then his brows narrowed in resolve, and Miguel noticed his hands ball into fists on his knees as he stared hard at him and promised, "You won't have to worry about Keene."