"Jeff are you sure you can do this? It is a big job" Lucy asks, pushing back her fringe and pinning it into place with a large decorative clip.
"It is fine Luce, you have done this every night for ten years. You have earned a night off." Jeff replies. "I am perfectly capable of feeding five children"
"I know. I have left you a list, with instructions. Can you zip me up?" Lucy asks, turning her back to Jeff.
Jeff slowly slides the zipper up her back and plants a kiss on the top of her head. "Go. Have a good time, I have this."
"I know. And I love you" Lucy replies.
"I love you too"
"Oh here is your list" Lucy says handing over an A4 sized piece of paper.
"Go!" Jeff says laughing. "You don't want to be late"
Lucy grabs her shoes from the floor, and runs down the stairs carrying what Jeff refers as her death trap heels! Where she rounds up her children into the living room for a final headcount to make sure that they are all present and whole.
Scott is sitting on the floor in front of the fire crossed legged with a book lying on his lap. John and Virgil are playing a game of checkers while Gordon watches on, offering "helpful" tips while Alan is fast asleep in his baby carrier.
Lucy is overwhelmed by the urge to cancel her plans and stay here with her perfect family.
"Hey Lucy! Your ride is here" Jeff Calls, pulling her out of her trance.
"Be there in a second! Boys, please be good for your father and I will see you in the morning." Lucy says, before leaving Jeff in charge for the evening.
TB*
Jeff is pursuing the list Lucy has put together for him.
Alan: there is milk for him in the fridge, you need to feed him then bathe him and put him to bed. His diapers are in the cupboard under the changing table in his room. If you need any help, ask Scott. Please get him to bed by seven thirty.
Gordon: When you order dinner remember that he is allergic to eggs. After he has watched buddy and Ellie he knows it's bed time. Do NOT let him trick you! He will need a bath, and constant supervision or he will flood the bathroom! Again! He will not sleep unless he has his cuddly squid.
John: please make sure he eats some vegetables with his dinner, as he is going through a phase where anything healthy is deadly! Bed time is eight thirty and he will fight you on this, as he likes to stay up and watch the stars (just like his daddy).
Virgil: he will eat anything, including his brothers leftovers, sometimes before they have even had the chance to finish! Bed time is nine o'clock and usually goes without a complaint.
Scott: he will be a great help, he can change Alan and help you get Gordon ready for bed. He hates fish so please don't order it. Bed time is also nine o'clock.
Please make sure all four boys with teeth brush them and as a minimum Scott, Virgil and John wash their faces before bed if they don't want to shower.
After the boys are in bed, please put the rubbish in the bin after the boys have finished eating, load the dishwasher, wipe down the kitchen surfaces, make sure all the doors and windows are locked and I will see you tomorrow.
Oh yeah, and have fun!
Jeff knows just by looking at the list that he is in way over his head! Wandering if the boys will agree to go to bed now even though it is not even six o'clock yet.
Deciding to start with dinner first Jeff approaches the lounge, which Gordon has now strung a rope across the door and is standing behind it grinning, having given up playing with Virgil and John "Let me in Fish"
"Nope. You don't know the password" Gordon replies.
"The password?" Jeff asks.
"Wrong daddy. You can't come in" Gordon insists.
"Okay but I was going to order you all pizza" Jeff says grinning.
Gordon lets him in without any further objections. "What toppings does everyone want?" he asks, collapsing onto the sofa where Gordon climbs up onto his lap for a cuddle.
"Sausage" says Virgil.
"Cheese" says Gordon. "Just cheese none of that yucky stuff"
"Onions and broccoli and spinach" says Scott
"Ham" John says glaring at Scott. What weirdo puts spinach and broccoli on pizza?!
Jeff knows it was too much to hope that they would agree! "How about I order two. One half plain and half vegetables and the other meat feast?" He asks hopefully, and to his surprise they all agree. This babysitting thing is easier than he thought, he thinks.
Jeff even lets the boys eat in the lounge, something Lucy never allows as he is determined to be the fun parent. Pouring glasses of milk and placing them on a tray on the table.
Alan is starting to wake up, and is grizzling unhappily in his chair. He's hungry and wet and wants his momma.
"Hey Allie" Jeff says picking him up.
His whimpers descend into wailing as this is not his momma. But Jeff has Lucy's list, he knows just what to do, and gets the milk from the fridge, unscrews the lid and slips the teat in between his lips.
Alan's silence only lasts as long as there is milk in the bottle, and as soon as it is empty his cries start up again. Jeff tries winding him and changing him but he doesn't stop.
"Try giving him a bath dad" Scott suggests.
"That won't work. He wants mommy. Daddy be mommy" Gordon says helpfully.
"Mmm I will try Scott's idea. It is almost time for him to go to bed" Jeff says carrying him from the room and upstairs to the boys bathroom.
Alan is happily splashing in the warm bubbly water and no longer crying when a scream comes from downstairs.
Grabbing him out the tub, Jeff wraps him in a towel and runs down the stairs to find Gordon and John wrestling in the middle of the floor. There are bits of left over pizza everywhere including in their hair and smushed into the carpet and milk is dripping from the table.
"What is going on down here?" Jeff asks.
"Scotty bet me that I can't pin Johnny" Gordon says. "But I can because I am strong"
Alan is now happily surveying the scene from the comfort of Jeff's arms. "I am going to get your brother ready for bed, Scott clean this up"
"Why do I have to clean up their mess?" Scott replies indignantly.
"You're the eldest, I should be able to trust you too look after your brothers for ten minutes" Jeff replies.
"These things aren't even human!" Scott protests.
"Scott!" Jeff warns.
"Jeff" Scott replies.
Virgil gasps in horror, he can't believe his brother went there! And Scott knows he has crossed the invisible line.
"Sorry. I will clean up" Scott says.
"Good. First of all you can put Alan to bed." Jeff says handing Scott his little brother, who gives him a gummy smile.
"Come on Allie, you know you're my favourite right? Scott says before saying under his breath "until you learn to talk!"
Alan is wriggling in his arms, wide awake now and has no intentions of going to sleep without a fight.
Scott is just walking him into his bedroom when Alan pees on him, which causes Scott to shriek indignantly and almost drop him, but he manages to keep a grip just tight enough to prevent him from getting hurt.
Jeff, hearing Scott's shriek comes tearing up the stairs and into the room. "What's happened Scott?" He asks breathlessly.
"He peed on me!" Scott moans while setting him down on the changing table. "It isn't funny!"
Jeff can't help laughing as he looks at the look of disgust on Scott's face. "Go and get changed I will finish up here, and before you get mad at him remember you did it to me when you were his age!"
"I did?" Scott replies, stripping his t-shirt off and throwing it on Alan's bedroom Carpet.
"You did, and pick that up" Jeff says.
"How did you know I had dropped it?" Scott asks as Jeff has his back to him while he gets a clean diaper on Alan.
"Years of practise" Jeff replies grinning.
"Now you are fed and clean little man, I think it is bed time"
"Okay. Night dad. I am going back downstairs" Scott replies.
"I meant for Alan not me!" Jeff replies giving Scott a face palm.
Jeff picks out a plain red sleep suit and buttons Alan into it before placing him on his tummy and wrapping the blanket around him before gently stroking his cheek while he makes little gurgle sounds before falling asleep. "Goodnight my little rocket man" Jeff says before making sure the monitor is switched on and working and turning on the rocket night light Alan won't sleep without before slowly and quietly leaving the room.
One down. Four to go!
He thinks in relief. Looking down at his watch it is nearly eight o'clock already and Gordon isn't even bathed yet. He is exhausted and has no idea how Lucy does this every night.
"Gordon your turn" Jeff says retuning to the lounge room, Where he remembers the mess the boys made earlier and finds Virgil and John sitting on the sofa eating the cookies Lucy baked this afternoon for Scott's school bake-sale on Monday.
"Where did you get them from?!" He asks in exasperation.
"On top of the fridge. Gordon climbed up there and got them down for us, then got stuck he is still up there" Virgil replies, munching on an oatmeal and raisin cookie. "These are really nice dad, want one?"
"Gordon?" Jeff calls, ignoring their offer and racing into the kitchen where he fourth son is crying his eyes out. Reaching up to get him Gordon falls into Jeff's arms and cries.
"Dey left me der!" He wails.
"Come on squid let's go and shout at them" Jeff replies wiping away one of his tears.
"Okay" Gordon replies. Popping his thumb into his mouth and resting his head on Jeff's shoulder. His blonde hair just tickling Jeff's chin, as the pair go back into the lounge.
"You left him up there?!" Jeff says angrily. "Hand over the cookies. Now"
Virgil hands the box over to Jeff before mumbling an apology.
"Pardon?" Jeff says.
"I said we are really sorry dad" Virgil says.
"Sorry for what? What did they do?" Scott asks having finally reappeared from having a shower and getting changed into his pyjamas.
"I will let you tell him while I get Gordon ready for bed. Come on Squid, it is way past your bedtime" Jeff says.
"Can I still have a bath?" Gordon asks having calmed down now he is safe.
"Alright then, just a quick one. I still have the lounge to clean up and a hundred cookies to bake before your mom gets home" Jeff replies.
"Can I have a cookie" Gordon asks.
"Why not, I'm going to be in big trouble with your mom anyway might as well make it bigger!" Jeff replies handing him the confiscated box and letting him pick one, taking one for himself at the same time.
Jeff's cookie turns into four while he watches Gordon splash about playing in the water with the rubber ducks and a wind up turtle, until the water starts to get cold and all the bubbles disappear.
Jeff rinses his hair off before helping him out and getting him dried off and into his pyjamas. He can see that Gordon is visibly tired now, and hopes that he won't put up much of a fight. And he should be tired too as it is now nearly ten o'clock.
Jeff lifts the blanket up for him to climb into the bed where squid is waiting for him.
"Daddy? Can I have a story?" Gordon asks hopefully.
"Of course. Now I am going to tell you all about a very brave astronaut who was the first person to walk on Mars" Jeff says before launching into the tale of him and Lee searching for aliens.
"Did you find any daddy?" Gordon asks. His eyes wide with curiosity.
"No but it is a big planet, and hopefully one day there will be people living there permanently" Jeff replies.
"Will you go?" Gordon asks.
"No, I have other priorities now. And you boys need me here on earth" Jeff says, "I don't need space travel anymore. I have my own aliens right here"
"You mean Johnny?" Gordon asks
"What?" Jeff says. He meant them all!
"Johnny is an alien" Gordon insists.
"Who told you that?" Jeff asks.
"Virgy. He said that's why Johnny is obsessed with space. He's looking to go back to his home planet!" Gordon replies.
"I will have a word with him, and you get some sleep. You know where I am if you need anything" Jeff says giving him one last hug.
"Night daddy. Love you" Gordon says.
"I love you too my little Squid" Jeff replies.
Gordon is snoring before he even leaves the room.
Two down. Three to go!
And it isn't even midnight yet!
To his surprise Virgil and John are actually cleaning up the lounge when he gets back while Scott sits on the sofa and dictates to them what still needs to be done.
"Why aren't you helping?" Jeff asks.
"Because these two are being punished for putting Gordon on the fridge and stealing my cookies" Scott replies.
"Scott, disciplining your brothers is my job " Jeff reminds him. Secretly however he is pleased that they are cleaning up their mess.
"I know. I just wanted to help" Scott tells him.
"I appreciate that, but it is getting really late and you all should have been in bed hours ago. Finish up what you're doing then go upstairs and get ready for bed. I have to replace the cookies you stole" Jeff says.
"Do you even know how to bake cookies?" Scott asks.
"No. But I am sure it can't be that hard!" Jeff insists.
Scott is sceptical. "Are you sure you don't need my help?"
"I'm positive Scott, go to bed all of you. And I know the number for the fire department just in case!"
"Daaaaaaaaad!" Scott replies
"Kidding Scott!" Jeff replies. "I will come up in a few minutes to say goodnight"
Jeff goes into the kitchen and starts to eye up the oven. Realising that he has a slight problem, he has no idea how to turn it on! But that is what google is for, there is no way he is letting a piece of technology defeat him at the first hurdle.
Google helpfully points him to a YouTube video which shows him how to install the cooker but not turn it on, so he pursues the comment section looking for clues and finally finds what he is looking for and successfully starts to heat the oven up.
Next job is look for a recipe for cookies. But first he is going to make sure the boys are actually in bed!
There are lights on in Virgil's room but no one home. "Virgil?" He calls looking for his second son.
"Yea dad?" Virgil calls back coming out the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth.
"Ah. Just wondered where you were – carry on" Jeff says.
John is sitting up on the windowsill still fully dressed gazing out at the sky.
"Hey dreamer. Didn't I say you had to get ready for bed?" Jeff asks.
"You did. But dad look at them" John replies.
"They will be there tomorrow too, get some sleep" Jeff insists. Lifting the six year old down and handing him the pyjamas lying on the bed, before closing the curtains.
John gets into his pyjamas before lying on top of his blanket and looking up at the ceiling. "Can you turn the light out please dad?"
Johns glow in the dark constellation lights up the ceiling saving the room from plunging into darkness. "Goodnight John, like I told Gordon, you know where I am if you need anything. I love you son"
John rolls over onto his side to look at Jeff. "Love you too dad" he replies.
"Want the door closed?" Jeff asks.
"Yes please" John replies. He has never been able to sleep with the door open.
Three down! Two to go! Glancing at his watch he realises that he has been putting his children to bed for the last four hours and it is now closing in on eleven o'clock.
Scott is now in bed. Sitting up reading a book with the lamp on.
"Not tonight Scott. Book down and lights out" Jeff says.
"But dad! Just one more chapter! PLEASE?" He begs.
"No. It is really late Scott" Jeff says taking the book from him and placing the bookmark before closing it and putting it under his arm, meaning to take it with him so his eldest son doesn't just go back to it once he is downstairs.
"I know. Mom never lets us stay up this late!" Scott tells him grinning.
"Goodnight Scotty" Jeff says smiling.
"Night dad" Scott replies.
Okay, Jeff thinks. That's four down! One to go!
Virgil is already in bed just waiting for him to come and say goodnight. But he isn't alone.
There is a small, blonde water loving four year old in the room with him, cuddled up in Virgil's arms crying.
"Gordy?" Jeff asks sitting down on the bed next to the two boys. "What happened little fish?"
"I had a nightmare" he wails.
"What happened?" Jeff asks.
"There was a monster. A big monster. A monstrous monster. From Monsterville and It tried to eat me. I offered it you instead and it said no!" Gordon cries burying his head into Jeff's shoulder.
"Sounds terrifying, do you know how to get rid of the monsters?" Jeff asks.
"No" Gordon replies looking up.
"There is only one tried and tested method for dealing with monster nightmares isn't there Virg?" Jeff asks
Virgil shrugs intrigued.
"Hot chocolate!" Jeff says, scooping Gordon up from the bed and hoisting him up on to his hip.
Virgil follows Jeff from the room, and the three go back downstairs. Where Jeff makes three steaming mugs of hot chocolate and the three sit at the kitchen table and talk about monsters, until Gordon falls asleep at the table and Jeff is able to get him back to bed.
Jeff is exhausted, as it has now gone midnight, when he suddenly sits straight up in alarm. "Damn. The cookies!" He thinks.
He follows the recipe very carefully, but the first batch tastes like cardboard and he realises he forgot to put the sugar in and it is still sitting on the side.
The second batches expands in the oven until it is just one large cookie which won't cut into Circles and is a rock solid tooth breaking dentists nightmare.
Batch three starts a small fire when he removes them from the oven, setting off the smoke detector and the cookies are so blackened and burned it is impossible to tell that they are meant to be cookies.
The fire Is put out quickly, but the smoke is still filling the room, and the detector won't stop screeching. Opening the windows and the back door Jeff desperately tries to stop the noise before… "waaaaaaaaaaaaah" comes through the baby monitor.
"Okay Alan. I'm coming" Jeff shouts. Leaving the kitchen door open and running up the stairs. Where he finds all five boys wide awake.
Scott holding on to Alan terrified to let go.
"False alarm boys. Back to bed" Jeff says.
"What happened?" Virgil asks.
"It was just a small fire. It's fine" Jeff insists.
"You set the house on fire?" Scott asks in horror.
"No. Just the pan with the cookies" Jeff replies.
"Did you manage to make any cookies?" Scott asks. He can't go to school on Monday without a hundred cookies. He promised everyone.
"None that I would be willing to let anyone eat!" Jeff says. "There is only one thing left to do now"
"What's that?" John asks.
"Come clean to your mom tomorrow when she gets back and ask her to make some more" Jeff replies. Knowing that he has let her down.
"Or we can make them" Virgil says. "Mom let us help this afternoon. It's not that hard".
"Okay. Let me get Allie sorted and meet me downstairs" Jeff says taking the now dozing baby from Scott and putting him back to bed.
Scott measures, Virgil mixes, John cuts and Gordon eats the left over cookie dough and by four o'clock a hundred perfect cookies are lined up cooling on the side. The left over ones from this afternoon are quickly being devoured.
But Jeff has never been prouder of his boys. They worked together perfectly when needed, and when they thought the house was on fire they followed the agreed fire safety perfectly, making sure everyone was safe.
The sky is starting to lighten as they all trudge back to bed, now completely exhausted and covered in flour, and they collapse in a heap on Jeff and Lucy's bed.
Which is how she finds them when she gets in from her big night out. Smiling she snaps a photo on her phone before getting changed and checking on Alan, who is also still fast asleep in his crib.
There are still pizza toppings and milk all over the carpet in the lounge, and the kitchen is covered in chocolate chips, and flour and egg shells.
Lucy makes the decision that she doesn't want to know as she finds space in the bed near Gordon and happily falls asleep.
TB*
"Want to tell me what happened here?" Lucy asks in the afternoon once everyone is finally awake.
"Not really!" Jeff replies.
"We are going to need a new carpet" Lucy tells him.
"But at least he put the fire out!" Gordon says.
"Excuse me?! What fire?!" Lucy exclaims.
"It's a really long story, cookie?" Jeff asks holding out a burnt offering.
"Did your mom bake this?" Lucy asks eyeing it up.
"No. Turns out I may have inherited her baking skills" Jeff says.
Lucy laughs. She knew it would be a disaster. "Want another chance?"
"No thanks!" Jeff replies. "They're all yours!"