Chapter Five

There is a TW for this chapter. So as to avoid spoilers, please scroll to the very bottom for the TW.

Clarke

Clarke takes a moment to reflect upon the fact that she and Emori had been worried that Murphy would revert to his behavior back on the ring, the behavior that led to his breakup with Emori. But instead right now, Clarke is more worried about Emori than Murphy.

Clarke first learns that something is wrong during the midnight-black hours of the night. The cabin needs better soundproofing and insulation, and secrets are hard to keep on Skyring. Clarke usually sleeps well nowadays, but this is one of those nights where the ghosts from her past rattle their chains and wake her. Trying to fall back asleep, she hears stirring in Emori and Murphy's room, which shares a thin wall with Clarke and Madi's. At first she believes the sounds are sex, and she wishes she had earplugs or even a second pillow to put over her head– but the cabin's basement which never seems to run out of amenities does not have either. She soon realizes that the sounds aren't sex though. She hears Murphy and Emori talking. Although Clarke isn't trying to eavesdrop – she, in fact, truly wishes she couldn't hear any of this – her body freezes when she hears the word "bleeding". Then there are footsteps, and the sounds of Murphy and Emori scrambling outside, presumably towards the outhouse.

Clarke suddenly has to use the outhouse as well, but she waits knowing that this isn't the time. She also knows that the word "bleeding" could refer to anything, and she knows that plenty of people bleed when they are pregnant and things still turn out okay. Again Clarke wishes she were sleeping as soundly as Madi apparently is. More time passes. Finally she hears the cabin door open again. As always, Bellamy sleeps in the main room by the fireplace and he must've woken up too. It's muffled but she hears him say something to Emori and Murphy. They exchange brief words, and Clarke hears someone knock on the door to Jackson and Miller's room.

It's bad, Clarke knows, if Emori needs a doctor. Maybe she and Murphy are just being extra cautious, but she doesn't see them going for the doctor unless they are gravely worried. Clarke silently and quickly calculates how long Emori's been pregnant. Danger zone. She's still under 12 weeks, still within the danger zone, in terms of miscarriages.

Clarke wishes she could stop her train of thought and she chides herself for not giving the couple privacy. But she reminds herself that privacy is one luxury they do not have on Skyring.

Hearing a few more murmurs now in the direction of Jackson and Miller's room, Clarke debates whether she should offer her help. She decides against it. If Jackson needs someone else with medical expertise, he will come and get Clarke. For now, just staying inside her room and giving the couple some space is the best thing she can do.

"Is something happening?" Madi whispers groggily. Clarke hears the girl shift her position and guesses she's leaning over from the top bunk.

Clarke quietly recounts what she's aware of, and explains why she's not getting up to offer her help. Madi says she hopes it's not what they think it is, and says she was really looking forward to meeting that baby.

The next day is hard. Emori remains inside her room as Murphy prepares breakfast for the group. Murphy sounds – to Clarke – remarkably mature and calm as he tells the others, "So yeah, Emori is bleeding and cramping. Might be a miscarriage, might not. She's gonna rest today and see where this goes."

"Does-does she want us to go in and check on her and talk to her?" Clarke asks. "Or does she want some room?"

"I'm not sure," he admits. "I'll ask her when I take her breakfast to her." Again Murphy's voice is calm and steady. Clarke knows that all of them are different people now than the ones who left the Ark on the dropship seven years ago (no, she silently corrects herself, 132 years ago), but she still marvels at how much Murphy has changed.

Clarke goes about her day. She weeds the garden alongside Miller, mildly wishing the weather wasn't so humid today but knowing to be grateful. She watches Bellamy depart for his daily dive and return with the same result. It seems he has plateaued – his timing hasn't improved in the past few weeks and she can feel how frustrated he must be. Murphy then walks up to her and tells Clarke that, for now, Emori wants to be left alone and just rest. Later she watches Jackson doing the laundry and Clarke's heart drops at the number of bloodied rags hanging on the line to dry. In the afternoon, Clarke forages for acorns alongside Madi. When it's time for dinner, Emori sits at the table with the others. She answers their concerned faces with, "Still bleeding, still cramping, still not wanting to discuss it," picks at her food, and soon returns to bed.

Emori

Two days later, Emori finishes her dinner and wordlessly returns to her bedroom. Not that long ago, she had been thinking of how much she loved this cabin. Having her own room with Murphy. Leaving the door open at night – except, of course, during sex – so they could enjoy the crackle of the main room's fireplace. She used to enjoy her days of fresh air, honest work, and the company of people she feels comfortable with before retiring to her cozy bed. Just as she used to love being able to share that bed with the person who loves her, the soulmate she never thought she'd ever find – but did. Emori used to love getting under the blankets with him, feeling his soothing warmth next to her, sometimes leaving the window open a bit when it's not too cold so they could enjoy the delicious night air.

Tonight Emori feels only emptiness.

She knows she's fortunate that she doesn't need surgery. Jackson has medical supplies and there's a plant here with leaves that make a decent anesthetic when they are boiled; Emori has gone for most of her life without any real medical care so this is a step up. She's heard that plenty of people need surgery after a miscarriage to remove "tissue" but as far as Jackson and Clarke can tell, Emori isn't showing any signs that she needs that. 'I guess I'm supposed to feel lucky,' she sighs to herself, knowing that she feels anything but.

Emori continues to lie in bed. She's suddenly too warm and kicks the blanket off. Still, sleep does not overtake her. She can hear the others talking and moving about the main room – the evening is still young and they are walking on eggshells, being extra careful to keep their voices down and their movements quiet. Emori wants to hate their kindness, wishes she could shove it back in their faces even as she knows that's not fair.

She drifts off eventually and falls asleep, but it's one of those light, fitful sleeps that doesn't bring any real rest. She's awake again. John has come to bed, and he's laying next to her now. Emori knows, just from having shared a bed with him for most of the past seven years or so, that he's not asleep. She knows she's been short and curt with him. Last time he tried to hug her, she pushed his arms away.

'Tomorrow,' Emori silently promises herself. 'Tomorrow I'll talk to him.' She doesn't want to listen, but a voice inside her nags at her that she can't continue to treat him this way.

Clarke

Sometimes when the weather is warm, Skyring's inhabitants decide to get the outdoor fire pit going and sleep outside. Clarke doesn't remember when she and Bellamy discussed doing so today, but as Jackson and Miller prepare dinner inside the cabin, Clarke and Bellamy start to build up the outside fire pit. As soon as dinner is over, the two wordlessly begin transporting their bedding outside.

"Can I join you?" Madi asks, her blanket and pillow in her arms.

"I thought you hated sleeping outside," Clarke says, with a smile. The Madi whom Clarke first met all those years ago may have been almost feral, but this Madi has grown accustomed to a few creature comforts.

"Right," Bellamy adds, genuinely sounding perplexed. "I remember last time you did it, you complained about dirt in your hair - and that your hands and feet were freezing by morning."

"I can change my mind," Madi shrugs. She starts to arrange her bedding, and then adds, "Okay, I have other reasons for sleeping outside tonight." She lowers her voice. "Emori's in a terrible mood. Which means she and Murphy are either about to have a shouting match or really loud sex. And it's been four days since Miller and Jackson had sex, and from the looks they were giving each other just now, I know exactly what they're doing tonight too."

Clarke ignores part of Madi's statement, and takes a step closer to the girl. "We have to be patient with Emori. This is a real, concrete loss that she's suffered so she's allowed to be in as many terrible moods as she wants," she says firmly. "And it's only been days since the loss."

"I know," Madi responds, equally insistent. "So I'm giving her space."

Gradually and subtly, the sun fades away and darkness takes over. The night is clear and warm, with just an undertow of a cold breeze. The fire pit should protect the trio from too much coolness. Clarke likes the way the flames look against the night sky.

"We're glad that you're joining us," Bellamy says with a smile. He fusses about the fire, which gives his smiling face a warm glow, and adds, "I hope you enjoy it more this time. Maybe you won't get too much dirt in your hair tonight."

Clarke bats away a stray bit of smoke, and Bellamy gestures for her to sit with him so as to get out of the smoke's path. She moves over so as to join him sitting on a log. "Dirt – and bugs I think too, if I remember correctly," she remarks with a smile. "Downside of us living like this and knowing everything about everyone."

"A few bugs won't kill me." Madi takes a breath and steps closer to the duo. She stands before them head on, and looks from Bellamy's face to Clarke's. "Speaking of knowing everything about everyone, can we talk about something serious for a minute?" she asks.

Matching Madi's words, the girls' tone is thoughtful and weighty. Clarke looks at her and feels her insides shift just a bit. "O-of course," Clarke answers. "Is everything okay?" She takes a quick glance at Bellamy, but the surrounding darkness with just the glow from the fireplace makes it hard to see his facial features. Clarke returns her gaze to Madi.

"Watching what Emori and Murphy are going through is making me think about how short life is," Madi says plainly. "It might be a paradise here, but we can't take anything for granted." Despite the crackle of the fire pit, it is so quiet that Clarke can hear every rustling of every tree and bush.

Madi takes a breath and looks, to Clarke, like she has much more to say. Clarke has a guess as to where Madi is going and she can't decide if she herself feels terrified or excited over it.

"I don't know what either of you are waiting for," Madi continues. Again her voice is firm and straightforward. "You two are obviously meant to be together. Any idiot can tell that after spending all these months here with you. So I'm guessing each of you feels something but neither of you wants to speak up." She pauses and then adds, "I'm not the only person who's noticed it either."

Clarke keeps her gaze in Madi's direction and remains silent for several seconds. Bellamy is quiet too, and although Clarke wants to turn and look at him, she doesn't. Madi remains standing and facing the pair.

Finally, Clarke says, "Madi, you kind of dropped a bombshell on us. Can Bellamy and I talk?" She wishes her tone was lighter but knows it came out as heavy as Madi's.

"Yeah. That means I'm heading back into Sex Cabin," Madi says, this time with a slight smirk and a smile. She grabs her bedding and returns to the cabin. Clarke watches her go, sees her open the door and hears it close. Her heart is beating rapidly and it's quiet for several more seconds.

"She's not wrong, Clarke. At least not about me. I do feel something for you."

Clarke hears Bellamy's words and her breath catches. She has to steady herself to keep from falling off the log. Bellamy sounds serious and thoughtful.

Although only a second or two of silence have passed since Bellamy's declaration, he continues, "I hope that doesn't upset you or make you feel uncomfortable. It's just that I've always felt we had a connection. But then we were separated all those years, each not knowing if the other was alive, and each having our own demons to fight…."

"I feel it too," Clarke admits quietly. She looks down at her hands which she folds together and then twists around. "But Bellamy. People I love die." She speaks that last sentence with strong emphasis.

Bellamy takes a breath. "You don't cause that, Clarke. All you've ever done is try to take care of your people and be the best leader you can. Your love hasn't caused anyone to die."

"And your love saved me," Clarke murmurs. She almost doesn't realize that the words have left her lips; the words surprise her, but she continues on. "When Josephine…." She closes her mouth. She feels bad for never thanking him, she feels terrified by their conversation, and yet she's excited beyond measure.

"I think I realized it then," he says. "I always knew how I felt about you in the back of my mind, but I couldn't ignore it after that. The next time I saw Echo, we had….the conversation. And then," he adds with a laugh, "the seven of us ended up here."

Bellamy continues, his voice taking a different tone. "But speaking of us ending up here….there's still the fact that I have to keep trying to get back to Sanctum. To Octavia. I-I've even thought that if the anomaly appears again, I might jump into it. I have to try to get back to her."

"I understand," Clarke says, nodding. "If Madi were still in Sanctum, I'd keep trying to get back to her too."

She can feel Bellamy turn his head and look at her. "So is it hopeless then?" he asks. "You believe that everyone you love dies, and I can't stop trying to get back to my sister. Should we just put these feelings aside?"

Clarke contemplates his words. She wants to answer yes. Yes, it's hopeless, yes everyone she loves dies, yes she'd rather not watch Bellamy kill himself running into the anomaly if it appears again. But she can't. So instead she asks, with a small laugh, "Are you willing to give it a go with me, even if it puts your life at risk?"

"Yes." His answer is solid and firm, spoken without hesitation. "Are you willing to give it a go with a crazy man who makes a futile dive into the lake every day – and plans to run into the anomaly next time it appears?"

"Yes." Clarke knows she's taking on a grave risk, opening up her heart again. She knows someday she might have to watch him enter the anomaly and never see him again. She cannot agree to go with him, not when she has Madi to care for. Yet somehow Clarke understands strongly that saying no to Bellamy's question is not an option.

She turns and looks at him, and sees the intensity in his eyes. It's not just intensity, she knows. It's love. She leans in closer to him and closes her eyes as their lips touch.

Kissing Bellamy feels somehow strange and yet perfectly comfortable at the same time. The taste of his lips and the feel of his beard and mustache are somehow both foreign and familiar. Both exciting and soothing. Clarke knows her heart is pounding with thrills while she simultaneously feels like she's coming home.

As they continue to kiss, in the back of her mind, Clarke thinks that taking it slow is a good, logical approach. They seem to have all the time in the universe here and there's no need to rush anything. And yet she can't stop kissing him, can't stop running her fingers against the back of his neck, through his hair. Can't stop delighting in every new sensation, in the warmth of their bodies pressing together. So Clarke is not fully surprised when she finds herself asking, after several tantalizing moments, "Do you want to…..?"

"Yes. But – but we need to think about pregnancy."

"Oh, I'm at a good place in my cycle," she answers. "We have at least a week to go before we hit the danger zone."

And with that, Clarke realizes that she's happy to abandon her head to her heart – and to her body. Rational thought is over for the night and instead Clarke focuses on connecting with Bellamy, becoming one with him, pleasing him and taking her own pleasure. Vaguely, at one point, she's aware of someone leaving the cabin – probably to use the outhouse and probably seeing much more than they had bargained for – but Clarke realizes she doesn't even care. When she and Bellamy finally surrender to exhaustion, Clarke happily curls up next to him. She's feeling happier than she can remember in a long time.

Jackson

Jackson sits beside Miller. The two men have been given one of the more coveted chores this morning: fishing. It's an easy job, and it's theirs today because Miller's back has felt strained lately. He needs a day free of the bending and lifting that accompany most gardening, foraging, and cleaning tasks.

"It finally happened. Clarke and Bellamy," Miller says.

"Took them long enough." He looks at Miller and they exchange a small laugh. "Unlike us. As soon as you were single and we had a minute to breathe…." He lets his voice trail off.

"Yeah, well Clarke and Bellamy had a bunch of other things to deal with." Miller takes a breath. "I hope Emori and Murphy can work through their situation though."

"They will. I have no doubt of that. They just need some time to mourn their loss. And figure out how to mourn together."

The pair hears footsteps and sees Bellamy approaching. He looks much how he did at breakfast – smiling, happy, as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Bellamy greets the couple and says he's going to make his daily attempt to reach Sanctum. Jackson and Miller are surprised, but they give Bellamy his privacy and leave their fishing gear by the shore. They head off into the forested area.

"I really admire his devotion," Jackson says. Walking through the trees, he never fails to appreciate Skyring's beauty and tranquility. There is a light breeze that breaks the encroaching heat. The sun is bright, turning the trees and bushes so many different shades of green. It's such a world away from the dreary bunker, and Jackson is endlessly grateful for it. He and Miller have discussed many times the fact that they would be content to spend the rest of their lives here.

"Me too. He's always been that devoted to Octavia. I guess Clarke's okay with him still doing this every day." Miller shakes his head and thinks back to one of his first real interactions with the Blakes, back at the dropship camp, when Lincoln was their prisoner. He's told Jackson about those days 100 times before, but he does it again today. During their bunker years, the two men had almost nothing but stories and conversation.

Jackson listens to the story and is, indeed, happy to hear it again. He tells Miller once more how glad he is that Miller survived that, survived everything that was thrown at him. He then adds, "I wonder how she's doing now. Octavia." Even though Bellamy never refers to his sister as "Blodreina", Jackson was so used to hearing it for all those years that he has to remind himself to refer to her as 'Octavia' instead.

"I wonder too," Miller says. He sighs. "The last time I interacted with her, really, was when we fought with Wonkru for Shallow Valley. We hardly were ever in the same place on Sanctum."

"I've barely seen her since I treated her back in the bunker when she was poisoned." He and Miller look at each other, and he knows Miller is thinking the same thing he is. But he says it anyway. "Feels like a lifetime ago."

Miller nods, and Jackson has another question. "Who would you try to go back for? Like how Bellamy is doing now for Octavia."

"Well, you, of course," Miller answers simply. "My dad too – if he hadn't died. What about you?"

"You. Abby, if she wasn't dead." Jackson then lets out a laugh, "Except we both know I'm too scared to be submerged, so I'm not sure how successful my rescue attempts would be!" The rest of the group realizes by now that Jackson is somewhat afraid of the water. They all occasionally enjoy a frolic in the water together and it's become a fun activity the group does when it's hot out. Jackson will wade in up to his ankles but never go any further. No one questions or judges him for it, and even Murphy has refrained from making disparaging commentary on the situation.

"Well, Bellamy's not exactly being successful either," Miller grumbles sarcastically. "So don't beat yourself up too much."

"I'm just glad he and Clarke are together at last."

TBC

Thank you for any comments and reviews

If you are skipping down to the end for triggering warnings, the warnings are: blood, miscarriage.