Thank you for this reader request, and please keep any requests coming!
Addendum Two – Bellamy
Fatherhood. Being responsible for a tiny human's life.
No, this is not the first time Bellamy will have this responsibility. In fact, that's the problem. Clarke tells him every day that he did his best with Octavia, that he was a child when he was thrust into the role of caring for and hiding an infant, that he loved her and worried about her and tried so hard.
And failed, Bellamy tells himself.
No, he can hear Clarke replying – because they've discussed this endlessly. You didn't fail. You didn't ask to be set down on earth in the middle of a battlefield or be separated from her for six years. If it wasn't for what you did before Praimfaya, Octavia wouldn't even have survived to become Blodreina.
Bellamy shakes his head. He's weeding the garden this morning, a chore that is truly never done. The breeze is chilly and he's glad for his new jacket, sewn painstakingly over months using materials from the plants they grow for fibers. For the past few years, he's been starting to feel slight reminders that he is no longer 23. The endless construction work they undertake on Skyring plus the manual labor involved in all their food production often leaves his back sore, or his arms or legs aching. He's not a complainer, and especially not now. Clarke is the one who can't sleep through the night, who has to deal with being kicked, with fatigue, headaches, and with the constant bathroom runs. The indoor bathroom was, hands down, the best thing they ever constructed on Skyring.
Bellamy smiles. Well, maybe second best thing. The separate bedrooms certainly made the act of conception much easier. Though sound-proofing is still an issue. Especially for Clarke and Bellamy given that they are, by far, the youngest couple on Skyring in terms of amount of time they've been together. More than once the next morning, Murphy has smirked and elbowed Bellamy after he and Clarke had a particularly enjoyable night. Not lately, of course, not with Clarke due any day now.
The group talks of just building more cabins someday. It's on their never-ending "to do" list. Maybe when Emori and Murphy's boys are just a bit older, when Dominick is a bit more independent. But of course by then, Clarke and Bellamy will have their own hands full. Literally.
None of that worries Bellamy, though. He can handle living in close quarters with the others and long workdays, he can handle washing out dirty diapers and calming a toddler in the middle of a meltdown. (He, and all the others, have pitched in countless times to help Emori and Murphy with their boys). It's the fear of failing again that catches in Bellamy's throat every time he thinks of it. The fear that he failed, that Octavia failed, and that he is a monster for it.
"Hey. You want to trade chores with me? Fishing's easier than weeding, and you look like you could use a break."
Miller stands by Bellamy's side and makes the offer, holding their fishing gear. Bellamy looks up and quietly takes in Miller's words. Miller and Jackson have both been good uncles to Murphy and Emori's kids. Bellamy's glad that his child or children will get to experience having them as uncles too.
"I don't want to put you out," Bellamy says. "You were doing the same construction work as me yesterday." He wipes a bead of sweat from his brow.
Miller smiles. "I knew you were going to say that. Just take the offer. Come on. You and Clarke will soon be providing us with a free niece or nephew….and I know that you'll appreciate our babysitting….so we owe you."
Bellamy can't help but to laugh and shake his head. "Okay. I won't fight you on this. Today's weeding is all yours," he says, as he gets to his feet and takes the fishing gear from Miller. "Thank you."
Not long afterwards, Bellamy is seated by the lake, waiting for bites. He hears footsteps slowly approaching and knows without turning his head who it is. Clarke has no choice but to move slowly nowadays. She once used the words "lumbering elephant" but Bellamy could only shake his head and tell her that he finds her more beautiful than ever. It's the truth. There is actually, he thinks, a certain grace to the way she walks now. As terrifying as the prospect of fatherhood may be, it also comes with small moments of quiet awe like this one. Clarke approaching him, her long hair pulled back and up, off her neck. She reaches to kiss him. Years ago, Bellamy knows, Clarke was referred to as the commander of death but he sees her as the bringer of life. Especially now.
"She was kicking a few minutes ago but stopped now," Clarke says by way of greeting.
Bellamy instinctively puts his hands in position anyway, feeling for any possible kicking. They decided, one night on a whim, to use female pronouns for the baby for now, only because Emori and Murphy's children are both boys and "Skyring's due for a girl. Even though that's not how science works." They knew they'd never use the pronoun "it" for the baby, so "she" it is – until the baby is born and they may or may not have to revise.
He then offers Clarke his seat – the best tree stump, smoothed down over the years for maximum comfort, right at the lake's edge. She has stopped declining any offers of help from anyone, much as Emori did when she was nearly due as well. Bellamy moves to sit on the ground next to her.
"I was going to ask if you caught anything, but…" Clarke begins with a smile. The absence of any caught fish makes the answer obvious.
"I think I had a nibble or two but that's it," Bellamy answers, bemused. "What's Madi up to? I haven't seen her since breakfast."
"Last I saw she was watching the boys so their parents could do some actual foraging, instead of just chasing after Reyes." Clarke pats her belly. "She's still so excited about the baby."
"I'm glad," Bellamy says. Madi must no longer be a child by any definition – keeping track of ages on Skyring just is never a priority except as it applies to the really young ones - but she has to be near or over what the Ark would have considered an adult. Still, Bellamy is relieved that Madi hasn't shown the slightest signs of jealousy now that she will be a big sister. She had Clarke all to herself for six years but has adapted to life on Skyring so well.
They are quiet for several moments, just enjoying sitting next to each other. It's been years but Bellamy is still in awe of this place – and even more in awe of the fact that he and Clarke are together, united. Although no piece of paper says it, they are married. Some days he just has to stop and bask in what he feels for Clarke. He knows he now has his soulmate by his side and that he is supremely lucky, despite the pain of missing Octavia.
"I think we should name the baby Tavia. If it's a girl," Clarke says at last.
Bellamy is quiet for several moments and then lets out a breath. It's a discussion they've had many times before. "Clarke, I don't know. What about our other options? Naming her after your mom or a name from mythology?"
"But the obvious choice is a tribute to Octavia." She reaches a bit to grasp his shoulder, and her words are as firm as her grasp. "Bellamy. We need to talk about the reasons why you don't want to do it."
"You mean how I'm afraid I'll mess up parenting the way I messed up big-brothering." He decides to toss Clarke this. They've had a while to dance around the topic with Bellamy usually deflecting it. She has gently pushed him enough over the months so now he at least is facing the underlying issue here.
"I don't know what I can say to you to convince you that you didn't mess anything up," Clarke says, meeting his eyes. Her voice is sympathetic and sad, not exasperated. "I don't know what it will take for you to realize that you were given responsibilities that no child should ever be given and that you…you did so well with them."
"Well, for starters how about…"
Bellamy breaks off when he sees Madi running towards them, followed closely by Jackson. It's pretty rare to see anyone running on Skyring. They don't need to exercise since their "jobs" provide plenty of it, every day. They might run after Reyes when he decides to force a game of hide and seek in the forest, or they might even run into the lake on a really hot day. Emori once ran for Jackson after Murphy hurt his hand. But in general, Bellamy hasn't seen anyone really run since the days of Sanctum and earth.
"Murphy and Miller are fighting!" Madi breathes. "Bellamy, come break it up!"
With a quick glance at Clark and upon receiving her nod, Bellamy runs towards the cabin. There he finds the situation exactly as Madi described. Murphy and Miller clearly aren't doing combat training; blood has been drawn, and besides, the group has pretty much abandoned practicing combat given that none of them believe they are likely to ever leave here.
Bellamy steps right into his element. As Dominick cries, off to the side, Bellamy places himself in between the two fighting men. "Whoa, whoa, break this up!" he demands.
Unable to hit their target without hitting Bellamy, both Murphy and Miller stand down. They are panting, one with a bloody nose, the other with an eye that's already beginning to turn colors. They glare at each other with anger, seething but quiet.
Bellamy takes in their faces. Over the years here, he's heard enough sarcasm from both Murphy and Miller to want to throw both of them into the lake at times, despite loving them like brothers. But for them to come to blows? That is unheard of on Skyring. Out of the corner of his eye, he notes that Clarke has now reached the area as well. Emori is scooping Dominick up in her arms.
Both Murphy and Miller are still struggling to catch their breath, which has the fortunate side effect of keeping them quiet. Each man's spouse is now at his side, fussing over him.
"Okay," Bellamy commands. "We got two options. We can sit down and talk about this like adults now – or we can sit down and talk about this like adults later." His voice and authority carry.
Given the string of invectives that flow from both Murphy and Miller – directed at each other, not Bellamy - the answer is clearly 'not now'. Bellamy again shuts them up with a wave of his hand. "Okay. You decided later, then. I want both of you to stay out of each other's sight until dinnertime, and then we're all going to sit down and discuss this like sane people." He pauses for emphasis. "Now go. Stay away from each other until then."
With one last glare at each other, Murphy and Miller do as told.
Bellamy is not looking forward to dinner. Yes, the group living up on the ring had their disagreements and by the end Murphy could be intolerable. But that felt so long ago, and even back then Bellamy doesn't remember any fistfights.
Immediately after the fight, Bellamy checks in with Clarke, instinctively touching a hand to her belly. "I'm fine. She's kicking a bit. Come on," Clarke says. "Let's salvage what we can of fishing for today."
Bellamy looks around. "I'm going to stay here," he says, referencing the cabin and garden, the focal point of Skyring. "I want to make sure they stay away from each other." He takes a breath. "Maybe I can try to get them, or Emori or Jackson, alone and find out more about what the hell happened."
He then looks at Clarke and knows he has something else to say. "Clarke. You're the leader. I mean, I know the pregnancy has been hard lately and you haven't been sleeping as much. But….well, you are definitely more of the leader here than I am."
She reaches to hug him, best she can though Bellamy knows she feels awkward and huge. "I'm here to give you whatever advice and ideas you'd like." She smiles. "But I know you can handle this one. And besides – my head is killing me and I really didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm likely to nod off before dinnertime, so if you feel you can handle this…." She lets her voice trail off.
Bellamy knows he can't let her down. He also knows she's the last person to ever complain, so he imagines that her fatigue and aches are worse than she's letting on. "Don't you worry about it," he says, mustering as much reassurance as he can. "I got this."
"I know you do."
Bellamy has laid the ground rules. No yelling or name-calling, and no more hitting. Each person has to do their best to stay calm and to listen to the other, and to figure out a way to resolve this.
"We're all we got here," Bellamy insists. The group is doing what they always do at this hour, sitting around the dinner table ready for their evening meal. The evenings, nights, and mornings are cool now so the fireplace is roaring. "There's just the nine – soon to be ten – of us and that's it. We have to find a way to work stuff out."
Although he's been dreading this mediation a bit, Bellamy looks around the table and is heartened. The light is dim already, but he can see their faces in the glow from the fire. The group is listening. Heck, he even suspects that they want leadership and direction on how to get through this. Both Murphy and Miller have looked calm since they entered the cabin. He wonders if Clarke perhaps has spoken with them earlier today. She may be physically tired, but he knows that doesn't stop her proclivity towards being a good leader.
"And besides," Bellamy continues. "We got two children here, soon to be three. Did we learn nothing from the mistakes of how we were raised? Don't we want better for them?"
"Well, that's exactly the problem," Murphy says, meeting Bellamy's eyes and not sounding happy.
"Okay. Let's start with you Murphy, then. What happened?"
Although the next hour isn't pleasant, Bellamy keeps it on track and listens to each person. He knows that the cause of this particular dispute isn't as important as figuring out how everyone can handle disagreements better. But he reckons that starting with what happened is as good a place as any to address the underlying issues, so that's what he does. It seems that the fight has something to do with how much time Miller and Jackson have been spending taking care of Reyes and Dominick. At times during the discussion this evening, both couples seem to think it's too much, and at other times both couples seem to think it's too little. Bellamy listens, and only needs to step in once or twice when it appears that the ground rules they set earlier might be violated.
"Okay," he finally says, having digested what he's heard. "It sounds like somewhere along the way you all stopped communicating with each other. About what exactly uncle-duties are and what they should be, and what works for everyone. Does that sound right?"
Bellamy glances at Clarke out of the corner of his eye. He sees her looking proud, and that helps. Then there is more discussion to follow and again it's not easy.
But it finally concludes with Miller saying to Murphy (and Emori), "We're glad to look after your kids. It's an honor to be their uncles. And, uh, we'll get better at telling you when we need a break."
Murphy returns, "Thank you for taking them off our hands sometimes. We'll, uh, also get better about talking with you about how much time is right." He clears his throat and looks at Jackson, "And thank you for helping with their births."
Jackson smiles, clearly looking relieved that this is winding down with a resolution, "Emori did all the work."
"Yeah," Murphy agrees, "all you did was hang out by her vagina all day."
Emori smiles as she lightly swats Murphy's arm, and he grins, "Hey! I was just jealous! It's my favorite place to be!" She rolls her eyes at him. Reyes repeats the word "vagina?" in a questioning tone.
Bellamy finally exhales and smiles. He helped get the group to where they needed to be.
Two nights later, Bellamy is lying in bed, awake. He's bundled in as many blankets as possible, Clarke having asked during the past few weeks if they could leave the window open. She alone has been finding the cabin too hot. Right now she's returning to their room from the bathroom.
"Are you awake?" she whispers as she steps through the doorway.
He knows that she knows the answer. "Yes," he responds.
"I'm gonna take a walk. I just can't get comfortable - and can't get to sleep."
"Hey," he says gently, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "If you want to sleep, why don't you take the whole bed? It might be easier to get comfortable that way."
He's offered it before, and she's accepted a few times. On those nights, he sleeps on the floor so that she can find whatever position she needs to get comfortable on the bed. But Clarke clearly feels guilty each time they've done it, joking about the terrible sort of wife who would allow such a thing. It doesn't matter how many times Bellamy insists that it's fine, that he's slept in far worse places on far worse surfaces.
"No, it's fine," Clarke insists. "I just feel the need to move right now. To walk."
"Want some company?"
Clarke is quiet for a second. She's just looking at him. "I love you so much. You're so caring and you're so smart. I don't know how I got so lucky."
"I think the same about you," Bellamy says, getting to his feet and reaching to embrace her. "My love."
They hold each other tight, just enjoying the love and the feel of each other's embrace. Bellamy relishes the feel of her in his arms. He then rubs her back for a bit, knowing how much she likes and needs that nowadays.
Soon they are indeed walking outside, under the glow of moonlight. They hold hands as they enter the forest. It seemed so vast when they first arrived on Skyring, but Bellamy feels he could almost navigate it blindfolded if he had to now. His life has been such a strange journey so far, and the fact that he has no way to get back to Octavia and the others will always gnaw at him. He hopes that wherever she is, she's somehow okay. Somehow not Blodreina.
But regardless, right here and right now Bellamy is very content and very excited. He's eager to hold that baby, to talk to her, to sing to her. To watch her grow up.
"If you still like the idea," he begins, "can we name the baby after Octavia? Tavia for a girl or Tavius for a boy?"
"Of course I still like it. I'm glad that you've come around. This-"
Clarke breaks off abruptly and stops walking. Bellamy startles, his mouth beginning to form a question as Clarke says, "This baby's on her way. My water just broke!"
He has seen Emori and Murphy go through it and yet nothing could really prepare Bellamy for it.
The rest of the night and the next morning, a sequence of events takes place. Sometimes Clarke needs to sit, sometimes stand. Sometimes she walks, sometimes she lies down. After Jackson examines her at the outset, she insists she doesn't need him until it's time to push - which is still a ways away. She frequently sends Bellamy, Jackson, and Madi for supplies – a cool washcloth or boiled water or more of the herb tea they use to reduce pain. They sometimes bring her food but she truly can't take in much more than a few bites of berries and acorn mush. She tells Bellamy that if he ever needs to just go somewhere and pace, he can – their bedroom is small and doesn't allow anyone much more than a few steps. He helps her time her contractions.
At one point Clarke is slowly walking outside, just taking a few steps and getting some fresh air. Madi's been itching to do something, so it's Madi who is holding her hand now.
"Hey. Relax. No one ever tells you how hard this part is on the dad."
Murphy is sitting next to Bellamy on the porch as they watch Clarke and Madi walk.
Bellamy appreciates Murphy's words of wisdom and says, "Both times you looked like you were doing great."
"I had to," Murphy says straightforwardly. "After what happened the first time, with the miscarriage, I had to be strong. I did my freaking out very quietly," he says with a whisper and a flourish.
Bellamy laughs, and Murphy is quick to add, "No offense to Emori. She's a kick-ass mom and she handled all of it like a champ. I had the easier job by a mile."
"You both handle parenthood like champs," Bellamy says. His eyes are on Clarke. As far as he can tell, she's still feeling the need to move around. The morning is young, and he knows that the early phase of labor can last hours – or days.
"Yeah. But we're glad to stop at two." A few years ago during foraging, Emori spotted an herb that she remembered Grounder men steeping and drinking to keep their sperm count low, as a form of birth control. As with any unfamiliar item found in the forest, consuming it was approached cautiously at first but it was found to be safe. As Murphy has said, 'It's bitter and disgusting' but it – combined with the calendar method – seems to be working for birth control. Murphy taps a hand on Bellamy's leg and adds, "Just hope you're ready for the endless cycle of washing and changing diapers." He then quickly adds, "Which you – and the others – have helped us with, a hundred thank you's again."
"No problem," Bellamy says with a smile. "You knew we'd be cashing in on that."
Ten hours later, Bellamy is holding Tavia. An exhausted Clarke is somewhere between asleep and awake, and has asked Bellamy to take the baby.
He's held Murphy and Emori's babies before, but this is different. Tavia feels impossibly tiny in his strong arms. In the waning light, Bellamy soaks in every bit of her little features, her tiny fingers and toes, her closed eyes, her lips, her nose. Somehow he remembers the baby version of his sister being bigger than the infant in his arms now, though he supposes his memory is playing tricks on him.
"A miracle," he whispers. "A little miracle."
Clarke murmurs something which he knows means assent. He understands they were incredibly lucky today to have a healthy mom and a healthy baby. Bellamy's heart pounds with equal measures of relief and joy.
A light rap sounds on the door, and Madi gingerly enters. "The group wants to know if you need anything," she whispers. "Water? More cloths?"
"Yes to both, please," Bellamy answers.
When Madi returns a moment later with the items, she whispers, "Just like when the other babies were born. Yell if you need anything." She takes a basket of soiled cloths to be washed from the room.
"Roger that." Bellamy knows he's lucky for this too, for an extended family that is right there, ready and eager to help. He knows that he can focus all of his energy on Clarke and Tavia, that the others will ensure the group has enough to eat, has clean clothing, keeps the house and garden in order and mends what needs mending. "And please tell everyone thank you," he adds.
Madi smiles by way of reply and then closes the door on her way out.
"You're going to be a great dad," Clarke murmurs.
While carefully holding the baby in one arm, Bellamy reaches out with the other to grab one of the cool washcloths that Madi brought. He gives Clarke a questioning look, and she replies with a slight nod. They don't need much more communication than that. He brings the cloth to her forehead.
"We're going to give her the best foundation we can," Bellamy agrees. "Together."
THE END