"and so, ralph is running through the BURNING forest, as all the other crazy hunter little dudes are chasing him! so. much. TENSION!" chris turned from the whiteboard to face his students. much to his annoyance, most of the class looked like they were half asleep. upon further inspection, he realized that some of them were asleep.
"a-hem." he cleared his throat in an attempt to get them to pay attention. nothing.
"y'know what?" he slammed his hands against his podium loudly, actually getting the attention of his students this time. "i am tired of this! i am wasting my life right now. i'm pushing 30 and stuck in this dump of a high school. no one even goes here anyway! i could be anywhere in the world right now, but here i am, a literature-slash-theatre-slash-sex ed teacher plus principal in the middle of northern ontario!"
the kids looked at each other awkwardly, as chris continued his mid-life crisis.
"i could be in toronto right now, or even new york! but nooooo, i have to run a tiny ass barely functioning high school. GOD, i am miserable!" chris cried out, finishing his rant before remembering he was in the middle of teaching.
he sighed. "now, if you'll excuse me, i need to go to the bathroom. also i need more coffee." he grabbed his mug and promptly exited the room.
"wow… that was… really weird." geoff said. "what's up with him?"
"he's obviously suffering some sort of crisis. duh." harold replied matter-of-factly.
"O-M-G, that is, like, so sad!" sadie said, tearing up.
"i know right?" katie agreed.
"i must say, i do feel bad for somewhat sorry for him…" alejandro nodded.
"oh please, as if i should care about that guy!" eva groaned. "he's a cuck."
"yea, 'm gonna have to agree with the big girl over there." duncan said, tipping his chair into geoff's desk before pulling out his phone. "the man's an ass. besides, there are much more interesting things going on right now, like beth shaving off all of heather's hair in her sleep!"
"that was real?! bro, can you send me the vid of insta?" geoff leaned in to him.
"sure thing, dude."
courtney groaned. "do you people have no empathy? chris is miserable."
"uh, yeah? thats kinda why i don't care." duncan laughed.
"you're so gross. i hope you feel miserable one day so i can laugh at you."
"right back at you, princess."
"this is serious, guys! what's making him so...so...distraught?" bridgette, resident empath, held her head in her hands.
"he already said it, eh? he thinks he's wasting his life here." ezekiel spoke up.
"that's just...so sad!" she whined more.
"y'know what i think?" said geoff. "something, like, reeally bad must've happened for him to turn out like this. like, something suuuuper traumatizing."
katie gasped. "maybe he wasn't loved enough as a kid!"
"ohhh, that would be so depressing!" replied sadie.
"i couldn't even imagine what that would be like…" dj added.
"i heard he used to be really famous a long time ago." alejandro said. "i only wonder what happened along the way for him to end up as a teacher…"
"what if he got in big trouble with the government, and this is like his punishment!" tyler theorized.
"oh, please. that's not realistic at all." courtney rolled her eyes. "and if he broke the law, he'd be in prison. not running a high school in the middle of nowhere."
"i'd like to hear your ideas, miss know-it-all!" duncan retorted.
"i heard once that he and chef were both semi famous before they hooked up, and then had to flee the city due to violent homophobia, and then founded this very high school." harold said.
"where the fuck told you that?" duncan asked.
"...sierra. i guess i probably should've taken that with a grain of salt." he sighed.
"it was probably one of her weird fanfics or something." courtney shrugged. "hello? we live in canada, the gayest country on the planet! what kind of violent homophobia would be going on in toronto in the late 2000's?"
"i really gotta make that man some of my momma's world famous sandwiches." dj changed the subject. "i swear those things can cure any depression."
"great idea, dj!" bridgette encouraged her friend. "what if we all pitched in and did something really nice for chris! oh, i bet he'd appreciate that so much he'd become happier!"
"that sounds so stupid." eva grunted, crossing her arms. "i bet if noah and izzy were with me right now they'd agree."
"once again, eva's right. chris won't care if a couple of teenagers baked him cookies. the guy has no soul." duncan said.
"oh, come on duncan! don't you want to at least give it a try?" dj asked.
he shrugged. "whatever. just know that i won't play along."
"speaking of chris, he sure is taking a long time in the potty, eh?" ezekiel asked.
"maybe he's going….you know….number 2?" tyler replied, mumbling the last part to his desk neighbor.
"ooooooh…" zeke started giggling at the implication.
"grow up, you dorks!" duncan laughed.
just then, the door burst open. shock of all shocks, it was chris, who was noticeably out of breath and holding a completely empty coffee mug.
"dude, where have you been?" geoff asked.
"what's it to you?" chris grinned, walking back up to the front of the classroom. "now, i'm sure you all have forgotten our last…discussion. and to those who have not, i think a detention would be waiting for you!"
a groan rang out throughout the class.
"now, open your books back to page 237, and let's get back to lord! of! the flies!"
"aw man, i thought we were gonna get out of this bullshit." duncan complained.
"why does he enunciate like that…" harold mumbled to himself.