this is me trying
#
I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
- This is me trying, Taylor Swift
#
When Sam was 15, she had her heartbroken by a boy for the first time. She would never admit it, not to anyone, but Todd Winters was the first to do it. He was the one boy in High School she felt anything for, a jock but clever, too. He was the only boy she could have a conversation with, although the conversation was somewhat stilted by her unavoidable blushing and how tongue-tied she felt whenever he stopped her in the hallway by the lockers to ask her a question about science or math.
She was surprised when he asked her out, and unbelievably flattered. Though she knew she was pretty and athletic and all of the things the boys at school seemed to like in a girl, she was brainy, too, and made no attempt at hiding it. That, she knew, boys didn't like so much.
They dated for two weeks before he tried to put his hand up her sweater; she pushed him away and told him no. He tried again; she gave him a bloody nose.
He spread rumours around the school in retaliation, shaming her despite the lack of truth in them. When her father came home one night and told her he was being reassigned and she was being transferred, it was a relief.
Todd Winters was the first boy to break her heart and shatter the trust she had in the opposite sex.
#
The second, Paul Harrison, she met when they shared a class in college. She thought he was a nice guy, and he seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say. Very interested, in fact, and she liked the way he asked for her thoughts and opinion on a variety of subjects.
She was smitten with him; he was a real gentleman, kind and smart (though not, she'd realise years later, very funny), and was more than happy for her to dictate the pace of their relationship. In fact, Sam found she had to take the lead when it came to initiating the physical side of their relationship, which was a pleasant surprise. Once they'd started it, though, Paul seemed to have no issues telling her when and what he wanted, but, in the absence of a maternal figure to set her right on the equal balance needed to make a relationship a) work and b) good, Sam thought that was how it was meant to be.
For a year, maybe eighteen months, everything was fine.
But then she was called into her professor's office and confronted with two almost identical term papers, only one of which had her name on it.
When she, in turn, confronted Paul, he'd laughed and told her he didn't see the problem with it. Out of the two of them, he told her, he had the better chance of making it in their chosen field of astrophysics, because of his gender if not because of his brain. The worst thing was that he was right; most of their classmates, even the ones who knew her and her abilities, automatically sided with their male peer over her.
She was able to prove the work was hers when their professor decided to grill them both on its contents and she was the only one of the pair who could answer every question without hesitation, but the feeling of justice being served was bittersweet and the whole experience of being disadvantaged because of her gender cast a lasting shadow.
#
And then there was Jonas Hanson.
Both she and Jonas were Lieutenants when they first met; fresh-faced and excited about the future. Well, she was. Jonas was already showing signs she should've noticed were a little controlling, a little manipulative.
She loved him, though, so accepted the proposal and the ring, and gave him a teary goodbye as they parted ways for their own assignments; she went to Colorado Springs, he went somewhere classified and the man who came back was the one she usually only recognised when he had too much to drink.
Though she was devastated when she was reassigned to DC, away from the Stargate programme, Sam was secretly relieved to be assigned away from Jonas. It gave her an excuse to end the relationship, to give back the ring. A life spent walking on eggshells, jumping at shadows, and worrying what he'd think if she spent too long at work or one of her male colleagues happened to call or send a message outside of hours was no life at all.
He argued, tried every trick in the book to get her to stay.
He threatened to hurt her if she left him, but Sam had been taking lessons and surprised him with her ability to defend herself from his fists. And then he told her she'd have his blood on his hands if she left him, that he wouldn't live if he had to be without her. He blamed her for the darkness in him, told her she'd never find anyone willing to overlook her flaws and love her the way he did.
The worst part was that she believed him, even as she left him.
She resigned herself there and then to never finding someone to love her as she was, and threw herself into her work and her career, the only things that had never let her down.
#
It started with a crush, maybe a touch of hero-worship. He was irreverent and funny, two things she hadn't expected. He listened to her, even though he made no secret of his dislike of scientists. He trusted her judgement, asked for her opinion. Unlike other CO's and other men in the military in general, he actually seemed to value her and their teammates and didn't just bark orders and expect them to be followed. (Not all the time, anyway.)
He had a softer side, one she felt privileged to be allowed to see. He loved children, dogs. Have a protective streak a mile wide that included his teammates. Her.
He was an alpha male but in a way she'd never really seen before, not even with her father. He listened and paid attention; Jacob Carter had a habit of listening without hearing.
He got angry, but she was rarely ever afraid of his temper. She knew, without a doubt, that he was not the type of man to hit a woman and, although she was well aware he had blood on his hands, each life he'd taken in the name of God and country had cost him a bit of his soul.
He was a good man, a kind man. Not to mention an insanely good-looking man.
But he was her CO and was therefore off-limits. Out of bounds.
They confessed, once, to having feelings, and then agreed to lock those feelings in a room.
Though she knew it was for the best, that act caused a crack to appear in her healing-but-still-bruised heart.
#
Losing Daniel hurt, even after he'd come back to them. It hurt to know that he'd visited or appeared to both of their teammates but not to her.
Being stuck aboard the Prometheus, hallucinating her teammates, caused her old doubts to reappear and she started questioning everything about herself, her feelings and her relationships.
She convinced herself he didn't care about her anymore. The Colonel. Oh, he cared as a friend, she knew that, but the feelings she'd been counting on, the ones she thought would always be there waiting for someday. She convinced herself those feelings were gone.
That was why she said yes to the initial date with Pete, which was fun but lacking in some way.
She told herself he was her shot at normal, and he seemed a decent enough guy who probably wouldn't hurt her so threw herself into the relationship. After all, he couldn't hurt her if she didn't let him, could he?
Desperate for normalcy, craving the love Jonas's voice still told her she didn't deserve and would never get, she let herself be blindsided by the cop from Denver and overlooked all of the warning signs and red flags that he was driving their relationship forward and they were moving far too fast.
She felt guilty whenever he told her, his voice hurt, that he felt like second fiddle to her job, and her teammates.
She listened to him list the things he'd given up for her – his house in Denver, the job and friends he had there – and felt duty-bound to make it work. It was her fault he'd given it all up, after all. She owed it to him to make it worth his while.
When he gave her the ring, her first impulse was to turn away from it. But then she felt guilty for feeling that way and asked for time.
Time to think, time to test the waters.
The waters came back calm; the now General indifferent. She could still remember the sound of the ring box snapping shut, his dismissal of her attempts to talk to him. It was like a bolt to the heart, confirmation of her deepest fears.
She had to accept Pete's proposal, owed it to Pete to be with him after all the effort he'd put into their relationship.
No one else was willing to wait for her, after all.
#
Trying to build up the courage to tell him, again, how she felt took time and nerve. He'd stopped her once, knowing that his time was potentially at an end, but Sam was determined he wouldn't stop her again.
General O'Neill. Jack.
Time was running out for them and there was an appointment in her phone to finalise a date so the invites could be sent.
She needed to know, one way or another, if there was any reason to hope. She'd thought she'd caught a glimpse of those old feelings again, thought she'd seen it in the way she caught him watching her sometimes, but she'd thought that before and her self-doubt wouldn't let her be sure it wasn't just her imagination.
Finding he wasn't alone, that he had indeed moved one, wasn't so much a shock as it was a final nail in the coffin.
She didn't blame him for it – couldn't, after all, she'd technically moved on first – and she hoped he'd be happy with Kerry Johnson.
She just wished it didn't hurt so much to know she'd been wrong; there was no reason to hope at all.
#
Her father died; the world kept moving.
She felt like she didn't have a place in it anymore, and then General O'Neill put his arm around her shoulder and her traitorous heart tried to tell her that was where she belonged.
Sam wished for it, hoped for it.
But couldn't let herself believe.
#
Ending the engagement was surprisingly painless but in no way guilt-free. She waited for him to fight for her and, although relieved he didn't, Sam realised then that he couldn't love her as much as he told her he did. She was, she thought, unlovable, at least in the way she really wanted.
She half-expected some kind of threat; though she'd never compared Pete with Jonas on a conscience level before, subconsciously she'd recognised there were some similarities between them. She anticipated a threat against revealing the truth about the project, or maybe a not-so-thinly veiled comment about how ungrateful she was after he'd given everything up for her.
When he simply walked away, pulling down the sold sign in an act designed to hurt her, she accepted it was for the best and told herself she was better off alone.
#
Daniel came back but then announced he was off to Atlantis, and Teal'c spoke of his plans to go to Dakara and General O'Neill announced he was off to Washington DC (to take over from General Hammond and maybe be closer to Kerry Johnson, she suspected).
He invited them fishing, all of them, and Sam was talked into agreeing even though her heart wasn't in it. Her heart wasn't in anything anymore.
At the cabin, she found out it was over between the General – Jack – and Kerry. He told her to call him Jack, and that she was going to be offered a transfer to Groom Lake. He hinted at it meaning they wouldn't be in the same direct line of command any more but she wasn't sure she was able to open herself up to hope again.
The trip was over before any of them wanted; they went in their own directions, though Daniel and Teal'c ended up back at the SGC on SG-1 sooner than anyone anticipated.
Another day, another threat.
It was never-ending.
It was exhausting.
But she put on a brave face, followed orders and played the role of the good soldier. She went back to the SGC, dismayed but unsurprised to find she no longer had a place as leader of SG-1 and accepted that as her lot in life.
#
Being part of a team again was nice, but she never felt like she truly belonged there, not like she had once upon a time at the beginning of SG-1's tenure as flagship team. She missed the old days, the days where she was confident that even if her personal life was a mess, her professional life made a real difference.
She got shot, and it hurt. And then Jack turned up and asked if she'd had enough time or needed more space.
She was stunned, confused. He seemed to imply that he'd been waiting for her this whole time but that wasn't true, was it?
He made the first move, and they began a tentative long-distance thing. She didn't know if she'd call it a relationship but whatever it was, it was nice.
But she was always waiting for the other shoe to fall, waiting for something to happen to end it all.
The opportunity to go to Atlantis came up and she found herself accepting the order before she'd had a chance to consider whether she really wanted it.
The long distance got even longer, the nights even colder.
Her fears grew like shadows in the dead of night.
#
Misunderstandings and miscommunications, fed by doubt and a lack of experience at having a relationship where there were genuine feelings on both sides.
Sam returned to Earth but felt more lost than ever; it was a brief visit, she assumed command of the Hammond shortly after, a consolation prize maybe.
He was patient with her, but she could sense his frustration. "Neither of us is getting any younger, Carter," he told her during one video call. What he meant was time was ticking, running out, and she was still running away from him.
#
The piece of Tollan technology was unearthed from some forgotten archive; Sam held it and remembered feeling feelings. Narim's feelings, for her.
She spent her first two days back at the SGC reprogramming it with feelings of her own; going right back as far as she could remember to that very first relationship with Todd Winters, the boy who'd first broke her heart, right through to the present time as she blinked back tears in the dim light of her lab.
The device turned up on Jack's desk in Washington DC three days later, along with instructions on how to activate it and a note that said 'I'm trying. Please don't give up on me.'
He got the first flight out to Denver, and emailed his resignation from the plane, and hired a car.
Sam returned to her house to find the lights on, and Jack waiting for her. He opened the door before she could reach for the handle and welcomed her home.
#
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway
- This is me trying, Taylor Swift