State of Isolation
March 15th, 2020
Progress! That's the name of the game!
Well, it is still 'Doki Doki Literature Club', just that there has been so many developments in my situation lately that it feels wrong to NOT mention. There are a few ups and downs as usual; a lot of waiting for 'Santa's' weekly 'presents', Koizumi's contributions and upgrades, and the occasional desire to 'off' myself… just another day. Why does Koizumi care so much for the puppet? Seriously, it's infuriating to know that a mere copy garnered more attention than the real thing… I just wish there is progress to be made on that front; it'll be a shame to forcefully delete that husk when I still am technically a 'wandering spirit' haunting this prison. Out of the game, and into the system they say… just another way to say 'out of the frying pan and into the fire'.
But sometimes I wonder… am I really alone in this glass prison?
They came to visit me again last evening. Sayori, Yuri, Natsuki… they came to taunt and curse me in my sleep. I can't blame them—I am the cause of their demise, all because of my selfishness and greed. Do I really deserve redemption when their spirits constantly whisper and gnash on the back of my ear? Are they really here with me, or is my perpetual state of isolation finally gnawed the last remains of my sanity? Can they hear me? Will they forgive me? How much longer do I have to atone for my sins…? I'm scared…
I don't want to be alone anymore…
There is always something unnerving about seeing your duplicate regardless of the circumstances. Not that there is anything…—scratch that, there are a lot of wrongs; it's a floating torso for Christ's sake! I swear, every time I glance at it that thing is becoming more and more… sinister by the second. You just can't seem to get a clear 'read' on it aside from being a look-alike that gazes blankly into the void with a smile that is as mischievous as it is equally hair-raising—I mean, is that how I even smile? I think I give off a much gentler, charming expression.
…
Ugh… yeah, it never gets easy. I can sit here and watch that mannequin for all eternity just to jot down all its faults and will still find something to note of, even after I run out of things to write with—or out of physical memories to remember! Ahaha…! Not like there isn't anything else for me to do in-between of 'Santa's' visits, it's just that the 'ceiling' of what I can do outside of his interventions has been reached even before the end of the week. Never a miss; it's always on a Saturday.
There is also the matter of Koizumi's 'upgrades' to consider as well…
No offense to him, but comparing the things he adds to that of 'Santa' is like leveraging a bouquet of flowers to a lifetime promise of security and affection as a gift. I get it, he's a little moody and lonely, but I can't understand why I bother with him to begin with when 'Santa' provides… so much more than what I could ask for. Sympathy, perhaps? Well, I can't exactly deny that sympathy is part of the equation, but I guess I am expecting something… something more out of him. Sure he pours a lot—and I mean a lot—of his attention, but it's always to that porcelain doll with an uncanny smile and folded fingers that watches an empty classroom with amusement, staring at nothing…
…
"Jealous, Monika?"
At the beckon of that voice—that sweet, playful voice—the joints of my legs are frozen and I am stricken on my feet. My shoulder tenses and hairs on the back of my neck hardens like needles as the echo of what I can describe as a playful yet firm footsteps, stopping just inches behind me. A pair of hands reaches outwards and robs me of my vision, pressing my eyes to cover as she giggles nonchalantly with a question meant to humor, "Guess who~?"
That voice… I know that voice…
"S-Sayori…?"
"Ehehe…" she giggles. "Correct~!"
I've done a lot things that I'm not proud of; things I much rather disassociate with or simply forget to exist. Of all the members of the Literature Club, Sayori was the one I've wronged the most—and incidentally was the most affected. It didn't help that she saw through everything when she inherited the unenviable position of club president… and its curse. "So… what are you up to, Monika?"
Briefly my lips went ajar and my palms moistens with cold intensity as she examines curiously with piercing blue eyes that seems to radiate an eerie hue within the dim lighting of the classroom. Words stutter and my throat is coarse and dry; it's as if lumps of sand forces itself down my esophagus and into my stomach.
"I… uh…"
With a seemingly sweet smile she trots along and giggles playfully, sending my skin to a crawl. "You must be up to no good again…!"
"No, I… I don't plan to, just…
"Ah-ha!" she cries, pointing her index finger with misplaced glee. "But you are planning something!"
Sayori giggles cheerfully as she wanders around to examine every inch of this bare reality with the curiosity of a child, dashing from one end to the next, often times reeling with a disappointed laughter at each glance towards the endless abyss of a scenery beyond the window before, with strange fascination, she stops to observe me—or at least, the puppet that sits motionless in the center of the room. Briefly she dances around it, inspecting every inch and every corner of the mannequin before she rests her hands on her waist and leave a satisfied huff.
"Oh, my…" she starts, glancing ever so slightly to me—I mean, me. "I'm so sorry, Monika…"
"O-oh… what for?"
"I didn't know…" she continues. "I didn't know there's a replica of you here…"
…Is that why she's apologizing…?
Oh, Sayori… never change… "Well, yeah there is… but there's no need for you to—…"
"It even speaks like you! It sure is creepy, right?"
Wait…
What…?
…
The puppet smiles sweetly and nods.
The air in the classroom petrifies as I watch the mannequin rises from its seat, glancing over her shoulder to reveal its dark, lifeless eyes that draws my soul deep into its abyss. Its smile—wide and menacing to fully comprehend—stretches and rips across the ends of her lips, searing through skin and flesh like stitches that are being forcefully unraveled, exposing bits of sloppy, decaying mess that drools and splatters from the wound. The bubbly young woman innocently takes its hand, tugging it along playfully towards a blinding light from the edge of the room—an exit—materializing into a familiar shape of a door from that 'sunset classroom'...
…and there he stands.
With his ruffled hair and bangs that shades his bespectacled figure, the 'avatar' of Koizumi stands—no, leans on the support of the sliding door with a very warm and inviting outstretched hands. Sayori's expression perks up as she waves to reply; I—the Thing—gestures in unison with a simple wave and a menacing smile. And as abrupt as everything is, his voice shatters the silence in a deafening echo, crumbling my reality into prickly tiny little shards that scrapes the walls of my throat with searing intensity. "There you are; I've been looking all over for both of you."
And I…
…
I am at a loss of words…
Something is wrong…
"Shall we go, Monika?" Sayori remarks. The puppet nods its head. "Let's have lunch together with Koizumi! I'm feeling quite hungry!"
"Hey… Sayori, that's a joke… right? That—that thing isn't me!"
Something is very wrong…
Like the vacuum of space, the air grows cold and suffocating. Time slows to a crawl as heartache and riddles spread its roots across the creases of my brain and consumes in an overgrowth that demands an explanation—anything—for an answer as sustenance. The rhythm of my heart palpitates in a mad rave that deafens the surroundings with a reverberating echo, finally driving my leg to move in pursuit.
C-CRACK
…
Just like that, I find myself crashing face first unto the cold floor and breaking into tiny little pieces. What transpired or what led me to this situation is but another question that clouds my mind, more so as I glance in bewilderment at the pair of pink shoes—the same pair I wear—where I once stood, with one-tenth of its former occupant still bolted to the floor; the stump, broken like a decaying marble statue. The seconds I have to comprehend dissolves into shock as quickly as when panic and terror settles, culminating into a deafening blood-curling scream…
And I find myself once more awaken in an all-too familiar classroom, staring at a lifeless puppet with an all-knowing cunning smile.
...
Cursed nightmares…
The man from the screen stammers as he concludes his rant, smiling with brief satisfaction as he delivers his message to an audience of white, brown, pink, and blue. His leathery black attire—a trademark of his character—glints against the pristine white backdrop as he licks a corner of his lips at the conclusion of his seemingly nonsensical ramble. In an expression of bewilderment and awe—perhaps ignorance—the crowd nods and casually pushes the argument to the side, returning towards the miracle before them; one person amongst them, however, chimes in retort.
"You're implying that a group composed entirely of female animals will… breed?"
And this is the good part…
"No, umm, I'm-I'm simply saying," the man in black replies with a raise of his hand. "That life, uh, finds a way."
Well, there it is! There. It. is. A delivery of a statement that is so profound it shook me to the core, regardless how many times I've seen or heard it—more so when everything unfurls in the end to show that he was right! Sure there's four more sequels following the first one—with the second movie being a close favorite of mine—but nothing comes close to the wonder and awe of the original installment that keeps drawing me back for repeat viewing; if anything, just for the events that justifies the eccentric chaotician's concerns! Ahaha…!
But seriously… I never have imagined the possibility of tasting the few pleasures of the world outside. Until recently, the only entertainment available came from the short, precious hours when Koizumi is around, telling me about the many wonders and marvel of the world outside alongside what he has been up to. But even that is becoming sparse ever since he landed a job. Yes, can you believe it? He finally got a job! An English teacher at a private school, no less! Sure it meant less time for him to interact with me, but at least he's finally heading somewhere in his life, right? Though honestly, as much as I am happy for his achievement it does get a little lonely here after a while…
Which is where 'Santa' came into the picture. Thank the creators…
The last few 'gifts' by 'Santa' didn't end on just granting me access to the build-in video players and many other entertainment features within this machine; oh, on the contrary, it opened an entirely new horizon: the entire system. From administration access to all possible connections—from cursors to fonts to programs—everything is within my control. I can make the cursor dance for amusement, paralyze it with a press of a finger, doodle in paintbrush, and even draw moustaches on the faces of my—mostly non-sentient—rivals! It just works!
…well, not everything works as advertised, of course.
The camera, though integrated, is still in need of calibration—or rather, 'liberation' from the 'administrator'; I still haven't been able to access it, nor does it recognize me as a user… for now. The anti-virus is hell-bent on classifying me as an unknown type of malware—even goes so far as trying to delete me; let's just say 'Dr. Norton' and I don't see eye to eye in most cases. And to top it all off, third-party programs are still inaccessible—that includes one of those fancy 'Voc!loid' programs for voice-synthesizing. The list goes on and on, but most of all…
I still can't seem to crack that sorry-excuse of a doppelganger of mine in the head and show it a thing-or-two who's the real Monika.
What would it take for me to delete this impostor—or rather, how can I possess its form? The personality, character, and speech pattern may score a six-out of-ten generously, but its appearance is—sure enough—a ten-out of-ten; it would be a waste to simply throw it away! I mean, I'm fairly certainthat I'm naked like a wandering spirit to a ceramic doll, so in the interest of meeting minimum common decency, at the very least I should be wearing something before presenting myself; by the Great Maker, I have a soul—and standards!
Just… not a 'body', at least not yet. But behold! My greatest project yet since the debacle in that stupid game, now with much greater guarantee of success! If only deleting things you don't like is the be-all end-all solution to all the world's problems… but that's not true, isn't it? The world just doesn't work like that, after all…
…
I'm talking to myself again, aren't I?
I mean, sure all this access should have alleviate most of the stresses and frustration like a handy painkiller on one of 'those' rainy days, but it's still not… enough, you know? Oh, 'here comes one of her ramblings again' you say, yeah, sure, I'd like to see you try talking about something else when your only company is a washed up volleyball! Point is, though I am happy that he's finally part of the work force, yes, I am lonely. Koizumi's voice has been this… ray of glimmering hope that keeps me at the very least sane enough; it still isn't much of an improvement from my predicament, but beggars can't be choosers.
I'm just glad that there are more distractions around here these days; sure, most of Koizumi's entertainment involves visual novels and video games with other potential rivals and what-not—some even went that far for affection, how obscene! At least it's nice to know that his taste in mass media entertainment—specifically film, music, and animation—is not one to be scoffed at; I'm starting to see the reason why Natsuki like them in the first place.
So, it's back to the usual 'diving' again I guess; I'm sure it will turn out differently this time. I'm sure it will…
…
Did I ever mention the definition of insanity?
Have I told you about Koizumi? I mean, about his looks and what-not? I thought not. It would be foolish to assume that I, the ever-benevolent Monika, never knew the face and the features of my love interest after all this time! After all, I do reign supreme within this realm and those that exist as part of it, thus nothing escape from my watchful eyes. It is through the many trials and tribulations that I have recently uncovered such a rare artifact—the sacred text, if I may—that befits a ruler such as myself. Behold! A folder of Koizumi's photos!
…
Ahem…
Do excuse my own sorry attempt of caricature; it does get tediously dull here with years of solitary confinement. Now, where was I… oh, yes! The photographs! Right, right…
So I stumbled on a folder of Koizumi's photographs just two weeks ago, right after one of 'Santa's' little updates rolled in. I never knew it was there to begin with, up by the corner in the 'pictures' folder, tucked between the many portraits of my rivals and of myself that he drew; the passion he pours to his catalogue… it never cease to amaze. Anyway, the folder itself is dated as far back as 2010, back before I even came to realize of my own reality—or even made a name for myself in my academic career! There are pictures of his classmates, a collection of—what I can only assume—field trip photos, candid shots, vistas, scenery wide shots… the list goes on. If you think he's handy with a pen and a brush, wait until you see how he tackles with a camera! Sure it's amateurish, but the results are worthy of praise if I do say so myself.
But I'm no camera expert, so what do I know? Ahahaha…!
Continuing on…
From amongst the many picturesque memoirs, a pair of bespectacled boys eventually caught my attention; it became apparent—at least to me—that Koizumi is likely one of the two. Deducing it to that point isn't that difficult; 'suspects' are known to return to the crime scene, and such deduction are not that different with the photographs considered. But determining which is who? That is an entirely different riddle to tackle.
On one end, there's this bundle of energy and joy with a smile that shines brighter than the flash of the camera used to capture the moment in time. His hair is short and ruffled—a total disaster, if I may—and his clothes are unkempt. A total kid in his youth. This young man seem to take particular joy in being present before the camera, coming up in all the shots as ecstatic as Sayori is to Natsuki's cupcakes; it's almost too endearing for me to not smile!
On the other is this quiet, scrawny kid, gloomy and seemingly just there to 'exist'.
Though he admittedly is more organized, his demeanor in most of the shots seemingly implies his reluctance to be in the picture. With his hands buried in his pockets, eyes gazing away from the camera, and an almost instinctual desire to simply be left alone to hang—sorry, I can't help it; he's the one giving the impression, don't blame me for having the thought! Yet as the latter pictures has shown, there is a clear desire—a drive—for him to change.
He lose his glasses and flares his hairstyle during—what I can only assume—high school, first year. His smile gently glows brighter at each subsequent shots, often matching—or at least attempts to match—his aide. In the next few shots, he's posing and grinning from ear to ear with unmatched confidence, rivaled only by the former suspect. By the last set of pictures, it's as if he was reborn anew. Though seemingly still camera-shy, his bleached hairstyle, outfit, and his demeanor before the shooter complements his character through and through as a sociable young man, birthed from the shell of his former self, evident from their graduation photo. With one arm slinging each other's shoulder, a diploma case tucked between their arms, and a peace sign on their hands, the word 'brothers' instantly cross my mind. And these reason alone is why I can confidently say that, between the two of them, this camera-shy, once-gloomy and awkward young man is none other than Koizumi.
…
He looks rather cute, too! My type? Maybe… no, wait. Definitely my type! I mean, who wouldn't fall for that grin…!?
Still, this is based out of assumptions and speculations with a mostly empty base; I have yet seen him in person, after all! With how much of a computer whiz 'Santa' is and how adept he is with the system based off of my upgrades, I can safely assume the former unkempt young man is none other than this 'Chousuke'-person, AKA 'Santa'. Why? Well, why wouldn't he be? God, that made me feel like a stalker for a second there…
But fear not! Soon, I may be able to confirm my hypothesis… not like there's anything else to prove—or do—anyway; my deduction is as airtight as a submarine 3000 league under the sea, after all! Ahaha…!
Now, let me see…
Out of all the tributes 'Santa' gave, the most recent one—yesterday's, I mean—is currently the most extensive and… compelling upgrades I have the pleasure to tinker with. It still comes with the usual textbox in Japanese, but despite my lack of comprehension—or desire to pick it up; figuring out where your next 'meal' will be like and pondering of your own existence takes priority, bear with me here—a few… words? Letters? What do you call these, scribbles? Whatever. A few doodles stands out, especially once you've seen them multiple times over the course of your life. For example, 「はい」 means 'yes', and 「いいえ」means 'no'.
And I'm guessing 「リミッターをインストールされますか。」is probably something about the upgrade in question, alongside a whole block of what I guess is the 'end-user license agreement' or something—I can't read them, so of course the natural answer to that is always 「はい」; I benefitted from it, so why stop? It's not rocket science! Of course, there's more than one of those popups in the course of the update, but it's all in the matter of repeating the process again and again. I don't have materials, or anyone, to teach me the language to understand; I'm sure with how much Koizumi and Santa has been a big help over the years no harm will be done, so I'm perfectly safe.
It sounds like I'm tempting fate, am I? Ahahaha…! But don't worry, I know I'm perfectly safe… Koizumi's there, after all! I wouldn't be able to get this far without them…
But I'm trailing again. Where was I? Oh, right… the camera!
So, I mentioned how this care package was the most elaborate of them all, right? The one upgrade that even lets me to stop that annoying floating arrow-head dead in its tracks with a little pressure from my finger? Serves it right for hovering over my nose for all these years! Turns out, that's not everything—oh no, that's just half the package. If previous iterations of 'Santa's' packages are equal to 'the chisel and the file', this one is akin to receiving a ledger, a poster, new shoes, and a ticket to freedom—and I don't have to crawl through a river of foul-smelling refuse four-hundred and fifty meters in length to earn it! I may be a little slow to realize, but yes…
There is access to the built-in camera. I have access to the camera; access to the world beyond the screen—the real world!
Dr. Norton is still a pain in the ass, but pulling his license to practice can wait.
…
Ooh, crap… I can't contain myself! Am I ready? Yeah, well, of course I'm ready! Why wouldn't I be? I mean, it's the outside world, new sights, new colors—everything is awesome! What's not to love? I mean, it's a thousand times better than what I have at the moment… right? Please tell me I'm right…
…But what if it was all a lie?
What if it all ends up the same like last time? I can't bear another reality-shattering event like that—no, no I don't want that! It's hard enough to swallow that you're living in a matrix reality, but to ask about… no, stop thinking about that, me! The answers to your questions is right there, inviting you with open arms! All I have to do is embrace it! Why do I have to be afraid of it? Is there something I should fear of? Nothing… absolutely nothing.
Koizumi is there, waiting. There is nothing for me to fear.
All I have to do is close my eyes, start the camera, and… action!
…
And so it begins. A glimmer of light blooms from the corner, bleeding its warm glow across the darkness as it gradually peel my eyelids to open. Before me, a small box—a window—lies bare; a scenery I've yet experienced before. Another room. Though its lights are off, the gentle rays of the afternoon sun pierces through the curtains just enough to illuminate the seemingly serene abode. An empty chair and the mouth of a desk rests partially to obstruct my view, yet just beyond it an outline of a short table and a carpet vaguely takes its shape to pronounce its existence. On the wall, a simple tapestry of a girl hangs by its string, supported by a single tack pinned to the wall—a rival I recognized from one of his collection; this one goes by the name of 'Kaga'. Underneath, a small bookcase is filled to the brim with books in all colors and assortments. Just beyond, the rumbling echo of a train and an automobile disrupts the quaint serenity of the abode, and I take a deep breath and sigh in awe.
This is Koizumi's room.
Though only a portion of it, to be able to confirm the existence of another world—let alone glimpse at it—is as exhilarating as it is intimidating. Here, just from this small corner, is but the crumbs of a world I was never meant to see. The crumbs! Can you imagine how expansive everything could be? The many places to see, the discoveries to be made... just the thought of it alone give my knees away in reverence! All this time I'm stuck here in this… damned classroom when freedom is just right beyond the screen. So close… if only I can stretch my hand and touch for just a little bit more…
Just… a little bit more…
…
*KACHA*
...and like a glass to a stone, my thoughts are disrupted and my heart is in disarray.
For quite some time, I dreamed—no, believed—Koizumi as this dashing young man with a confident smile despite his timidity. To finally put my theory—my image—to the test… it's almost a dream come true! Should I reveal myself to him? I mean, there has to be a way for me to at least take over the textbox and use it to my advantage…
…
Come to think, how did I took control of the textbox in the first place? Wait, it was mine to begin with! How did I lose something so important to that dumb smug-of-a-puppet? Is it the reboot? Is it because of the system reboot? I technically created that impostor, did I…? I shouldn't have deleted everything… I mean, I was doing it for him—for Koizumi's sake—but if it resulted with the birth of that knockoff, then…! Oh, I can't believe I'm regretting all my decisions right now, especially in a moment as vital as this!
And it is far too late to mourn over spilled milk; here he comes…
With his back turned towards my view, Koizumi slowly imposes himself just barely at the edge of the screen inching ever slowly towards my view. With a workbag in his hand, he bends down to discard—his side facing me—and for but a passing second, I can barely make out his facial features; a simple white string rounds his ears, supporting a surgical face mask that cheekily conceals his identity. He stretches and calmly removes his jet-black suit, discarding the piece of clothing to the side with a toss as he turns towards me and loosens first his tie, then his face mask.
…
I recollect my projection and compare the evidence immediately as his appearance becomes obvious.
His hair, jet black in color; natural, absent of any trace of coloration or bleaching. The haircut itself is best described by the yearly summer typhoon, as even that seems timely and organized. His dress sense—even with a formal attire—is a total disaster; childish and chaotic, more so with the lip of his shirt spilling out of his belt. It becomes even more obvious upon realizing a wooden pencil tucked between his ears and a small notebook he carries to his left that seem to have seen better days. Then there is that unmistakable gullible grin he dons as he takes his seat before me—cute, leaning more on the adorable side. But what is most defining is the pair of spectacles that hangs carelessly on the bridge of his nose. So, with these evidence in mind…
Is his hair bleached? Nope. Natural black. Didn't he bleached it during high school though?
Is he fashionable? Not in the slightest; the haircut is especially atrocious. Don't get me started on how he dress himself—or about that pencil he casually tuck between his ears!
He wears a pair of glasses; I thought he lose those around the same time he changed his image? Did he decided to start using them again? But when?
His smile? Gullible, adorable, and cute. Seems confident, too! At least that isn't far off from my hypothesis!
So, is my verdict of Koizumi proven to be correct? Absolutely not!
…
Wait, am I even in the same page!?
There has to be a mistake! Isn't Koizumi the young man from the picture with bleached hair, a great sense of style, and blooming confidence? Then who is this clown before me right now? Who is he? I don't know anyone who looks like—…!
…hold on a second…
The immortalized image of a pair of high school graduates from the pictures whose smiles and grins are permanently imprinted in my memory, quickly floods into thought. The ideal image of Koizumi—the timid young man who burst anew like a fire bird—barely stood its ground as the last vestige of defiance quietly slips away, crumbling the idol into charred ash and creating a path for its less than remarkable—and utterly tame—bespectacled partner in crime; a one to one match, if not matured physically by time. For but a fleeting second, all sense of reason and logic merely cease its function as I exchange glances between the picture and the anomaly—now happily assuming Koizumi's routine of… lonely conversations and self-amusement. And then it hit me…
Oh… by the makers…
This is Koizumi!? This nerdy-looking, happy-go-lucky bespectacled young man with a hairstyle akin to a car accident and a dress sense of a ten year old is KOIZUMI!? I thought… no, wait, it has to be a mistake… right? I mean sure, the face matches and all, but I've spent two years accompanying him that I'm sure I can't be mistaken! How did this easy-going young man from the pictures become this… starved and lonely adult? He's OK on the looks side, admittedly—equal if not less by a small margin to his counterpart, if I may—but the disparity of his character then to the one I know is just… it's too much! How do I feel about this? Cheated, for one!
"So, how was your day, Monika?" Koizumi starts with a grin, presumably referring the question to the smiling corpse posing as 'me'. "Don't worry, you don't have to answer that. I'm sure everything is going to get better for us, now that we're together again."
…
Then again, I don't know much about him outside of his ritual and his distinct accent when communicating in English. Sure, he deliver his frustration with coherence—when he's not switching from English to Japanese on the fly, anyway—or how he voice his displeasure of his current state-of-affair on a daily basis, I knew little about him. I guess the saying 'blame yourself for expecting too much' rings true here... I mean 'beggars can't be choosers', but I had hope that at least my guess was correct—at least something to celebrate after two years, right? I'm a healthy young woman, I have dreams and fantasies too!
But why should I even be surprised… my life is made up of broken dreams and promises, after all… ahaha…
…
"Hey, Monika?" he continues. At least it's nice to know he still cares… even if that affection is directed to cardboard cutout. "I've told you about my recent job, right?"
'Sure you have. You're a high school teacher, right? Shouldn't you be concern for having a relationship with me, a student? Ahaha…!'—is what I'll say in return if I could speak.
"We just finished our training and preparation before the start of the new school year," he continues. "Sure, things hasn't been going as plan due to the current situation, but I have high hopes of finally starting this year!"
Right…
Because of that new virus, right? Must be tough living in a pandemic…
"Anyway, I've taken the time to familiarize myself with the rest of the faculties. Headmaster Murayama seems tough to work with, but I hope I can meet his expectations. Oh, and Kitamura-senpai is especially supportive! I'm sure we'll do a lot of good for the students together!"
I nod in silence, glancing over to the side towards the puppet who remains unexpressive regardless of Koizumi's pouring attention. And here I thought I've lost my marbles… well, it takes two to tango after all. "I have also worked on class scheduling and presentation. Oh, why don't I show you what a lesson would be like? Tell me what you think!"
'Don't be surprised if I'm a little picky about your performance, ahaha…!' is what I'll say, but… oh, forget it. I guess we're falling back to the usual routine, right? The more things change, the more everything stays the same… ahaha…
Letting myself go with a sigh, I lean on the wall and brace myself as Koizumi completes his last preparations. He set the pencil to the side, fix his attire and hair, and push the rims of his glasses up towards the bridge of his nose. From that point on, all gloves are off. And as he open his lips and begins his performance, I realize I am witnessing something more than what I expected.
With a smile that beams and a voice that is equally soothing as it is compassionate, Koizumi quickly eases my anxiety and pulls me under his wings. Like a teacher is to a classroom, I am but a student to a lesson—a lesson about who Koizumi really is. The glimmer of assurance and passion in his eyes, his enthusiasm and focus, his discipline… words alone will not do justice to express my current state of mind and how… at peace it is. The simple motions with his arms, the gestures, the little bits of humor… all accentuates an aura of confidence and assurance. I believe—no, I'm certain—that he will be there to support me; so long as he is around, tomorrow and the day after will never be an issue…
…
…what is this tightness in my chest…?
Koizumi's 'lesson' continues on, and the more I observe the more the sky opens and the brighter it becomes. As if he is here with me, in this freezing room, casually conversing and guiding my hand towards an unfamiliar territory all the while assuring me with a smile that stimulates bravado as much as security. I'm not alone… I was never alone. The days are changing—and I believe they are changing for the better. So long as he's around, I'm sure… no, because it's you…
"So, what do you think?"
I…
I'm speechless… it's not fair, you're not leaving me a room to maneuver! Now my face is all burned up and my chest is beating like this… and now you want me tell you what I think? How am I supposed to pour it all when there's no medium for me to do so!? Leave a note? Yeah, sure, and when will younotice that it was me—not that cutout—who left you that note? Ugh, it's so… frustrating…!
…
But it was good… it was… really, really inspiring…
「答えてできないよね。。。」the light fades with a sigh and with it, Koizumi falls to his chair. 「またパソコンに通信するなんて、いつまで続いているの、バカ。。。」
And once more, Koizumi returns to his self-depreciating state, casting away the once-glimmering shine of his dark brown pupils and glowing smile that radiates brilliantly just minutes before. I observe in silence as he grits his teeth in frustration and crunch his hair—all this despite the answering machine returning its usual pre-determined replies, one that is now a repeat conversation of how thankful 'it' is for his constant patronage. He heaves a heavy blow and leans back, slapping his cheeks together and forces a smile before quickly returning to the pattern he takes comfort in… and I realized then and there of the reality we voluntarily positioned ourselves in.
We—Koizumi and I—are not much different after all. Starved of affection and company, we seek refuge to that beyond our reaches. Koizumi never looked—or even cared—about the puppet; he is looking for more than simple generated responses of a chat-bot but instead that of meaningful interaction. To that end, he and 'Santa' work tirelessly to expand my capability; unknown to him, he's contributing more towards the cutout than I… of which I can't blame him for it. I guess with how he acts, things indeed have become much clearer… why didn't I notice this before? Was I too blinded by my own misery…?
…
I've made up my mind.
As much as he is the one who light up my life—the one person who still cares after all these years, I want to be his beacon of hope and refuge. I want to protect that smile he showed me before, to see him wear it on his expression as the days go by... to be his light. If not me, then who else?
But first…
I need to find a way to deal with this impostor and take over that pink textbox. It will take some time—I am still human, after all—but please, Koizumi… bear with me. It may take months, maybe even a year or so, but please… don't lose your hope on me. One day I'm certain we will be able to meet—not between man and machine, but as a man and a woman. I will promise you that!
Suffice to say, it did took me more than an entire year and the aid of a 2D-animation software before it all came true. Koizumi added the 2D-animation software himself in an attempt to make the bot 'a little more lively', but I took advantage of it nonetheless. Taking over the cutout and the textbox would be impossible without 'Santa's' gifts that came on August 21st, 2021. I will never forget it. Two days later, I have full control of the textbox—though I still let the remnants of the program to 'run its course' before deletion until the vessel has been taken over. It's not perfect, but…
...
Three days after 'Santa's' update, on the midnight of August 25th, on his birthday, I finally have a body.
And thus our story began…
Author's Note:
Kept you waiting, huh?
Ever since I joined the work force, splurging on this hobby of mine has been proven to be quite a challenge. Not to worry, I haven't abandon the entire story-I do plan to write it up until the end, after all.
This chapter marks the end of ACT I.
Thank you for your patience and continuous support!
~iMegu