27: Pain and Loss
WARNINGS: PTSD, War, Graphic Sex, Language, Perceived Attempted Rape, Flashbacks, Anxiety, Dissociation, Health Problems
Translations:
Cariad - My Love - Welsh
xxx
Setting: AU: Sunday, June 25, 1944: Azzano, Italy
Laughing, Bucky shook his head, scolding Denier good naturedly in French for the dirty story he'd related; Dernier seemed to have an unlimited supply of dirty stories, jokes, songs, and even riddles. Of course, like always, either Bucky or Gabe had to translate for the man because he still spoke very little English willingly, though the Commandos suspected Dernier understood more English than he let on.
With a shake of his head, grinning as he lifted his face, Bucky turned his head and noticed the approach of their commanding officer along with Agent Carter and a dark-haired stranger with intense, interested brown eyes. "Cap," he murmured, getting Steve's attention and effectively ending the easy laughter of the small unit.
The blond turned and stood to his six foot two inch height and offered a respectful salute to Colonel Phillips. "Sir, do you have another mission for us?"
"Not yet, Captain. I came to introduce you to a specialist we'd like to integrate into your unit. He's got skills in mechanics, especially locks of various types. Former locksmith. He is also fluent in Italian, the one language we could use out here that none of you speak." He nodded in acknowledgement of Bucky's vast linguistic abilities. "This here's Lieutenant Demonto Rumlow," the Colonel introduced the new officer to the seven men: five enlisted and only two other officers.
Looking over the newcomer, Steve nodded, though his expression took on a neutral cast. "With all due respect, Sir, my team was hand picked and we are a very tight knit group. We can predict each other's moves and know each and every skill these men possess."
Phillips nodded, "that's been working well. Now, we want you to add new skills, widen your versatility. This is a direct order, Captain. We'll see how the next mission goes with the Lieutenant and decide."
Drawing a deep breath, letting vivid blue eyes rove over his small group, Steve reluctantly agreed. "Okay. Yes, sir. If Rumlow fits in and works out on the mission, we will consider allowing him into the unit. Lieutenant Rumlow," Steve turned to the new man, "you're on a probationary status, do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," the Lieutenant responded in accented English, saluting the ranking blond officer.
Nodding, Steve saluted the Colonel and glanced over Agent Carter, Peggy having not interrupted the exchange despite being a part of the Commandos. When the Colonel turned and walked away, she stayed behind. Turning once more to the new man, Steve looked over Demonto and said, "mechanic and locksmith? Those are useful skills."
Smiling easily, eyes friendly, Demonto responded, "I learned at my father's knee, and he at his father's. But I've always wanted to join the Army." He ran his dark eyes over the others and asked, "you have no other mechanics?"
With a snort, Morita rolled his eyes and said, "more than we need sometimes. Dernier and me, we're the explosives men. Gabe's communications. Dum Dum's artillery and tanks. The Captain's tactical, and Monty's a bit of everything. But," and Morita threw his arm around Bucky's shoulders, stretching up to reach the taller man, "Bucky here's our mechanic and the best shot in the whole Army."
Bucky grinned and chuckled, holding his hand out to shake Rumlow's hand. "Italian. I'd like to learn a few words of that, if you don't mind."
Demonto nodded and said, enthusiastically, "I'd love to teach anyone Italian. It is a beautiful language."
Gabe Jones smiled widely, willing to welcome the new member. "We'll show you where to set up your tent. Is he going into the watch roster, Cap?" The lean radioman turned to look at Steve.
"Not until after the mission. That'll be soon enough to do Commando Watch," Steve didn't reveal their real name for their special watch rotation. "He can stay on camp rotation for now." Looking over at Gabe, Steve called, "Morita and Barnes tonight. Dismissed men. Agent, may we speak?" Steve turned politely to Peggy who agreed with a single nod and walked beside Steve towards the command tactical tent.
Bucky turned to watch Gabe walk off with Demonto before he turned back to Morita, Denier, and Monty. "So, Morita, you were going to tell us about that cute redhead you saw in Frisco?"
xxx
Setting: AU: Sunday, June 25, 1944: Azzano, Italy
Smiling at Demonto, Bucky nodded and chuckled. He gestured towards Peggy passing by, looking very prim and determined, "we do have a lady in our unit, and at times she goes in the field with the Howling Commandos, but not every mission."
Glancing over at Peggy, eyeing her curves in appreciation, the lieutenant nodded. "But, you don't have any women in the field on a regular basis," he reiterated.
"Don't really seem to need one. We make due," Bucky chuckled, tearing his pale blue eyes off Peggy, talking to a frowning Dum Dum, and settling on Demonto's dark brown eyes.
"Ah," Demonto laughed, nodding in understanding. "Does the unit get a lot of time in towns and such?" He turned and watched a WAAC, Women's Army Auxiliary Corps, a group of women specifically to do any domestic or repetitive tasks to free up men for fighting and scouting. He licked his lips, his smouldering dark good looks drawing interest from several nurses and secretaries.
"Time in town?" Bucky asked. "Not really very much R and R. We're too busy planning and carrying out special missions." He lifted a hand to wave at Monty as the British major passed by with a dignified nod.
Demonto studied Monty then Bucky, smiling. He seemed to appreciate the camaraderie of the small special forces unit. He lifted a hand but lowered it when Bucky said, "sorry. I have to speak to the Captain." Bucky walked away from their new team member.
Quickly weaving through the area of the rugged base given over to the Commandos, nodding happily to each of his friends, Bucky strode to the tent he shared with Steve. He began pulling out his and Steve's underclothes and socks to bring to laundry. The damp, warm weather made their clothes moulder if not washed regularly, even if not worn.
The tent flap behind him opened and the tall brunet smiled without turning. "Hey, gotta talk to you in private, Stevie." He turned, eyes pleased, and checked over his husband, feeling the first signs of desire since his imprisonment eight months before. Being among the Commandos, having the nightly Bucky Watch, made the Sergeant feel safe, almost secure, despite the war.
Steve smiled, scenting Bucky's Alpha scent stronger than it had been before. He walked over to his lover and carefully kissed him, very briefly, not wanting to be caught if someone walked in. "I can smell you better, Buck."
Nodding, Bucky leaned in and murmured, "I stopped taking the medicine two days ago, Cariad. I feel . . . better. I'm hoping I'll stay this . . . good." The brunet stroked a finger down the blond's cheek.
Steve leaned into Bucky's touch, his eyes fluttering shut for just a moment before opening once more. Steve's scent wafted off him, a little stronger than it had been just a moment before. Licking plush lips, Steve leaned in just a little closer, "may I kiss you, Buck?" Steve asked softly. He knew that they wouldn't be able to do much more than pet and cuddle, but he wanted to be close to Bucky. He felt that they were beginning to make great progress.
"If you don't, I'm gonna ask who the other guy is, Cariad," Bucky breathed out then smashed his lips to his husband's, tugging Steve closer using the blond's tie. Bucky murmured very low in his throat, already feeling the beginnings of stirring for his lover.
Purring against Bucky's lips, Steve kissed back passionately. Nipping at Bucky's bottom lip, Steve whimpered, his own cock beginning to fill. "I love you, Bucky . . . God, I've missed you so much."
Bucky pulled back just enough to touch foreheads, his left hand cupping the back of Steve's neck. "I love you with every piece of me, Steve. I shouldn't have pushed you away so much these past few months. I didn't feel like I was man enough for you with everything that happened and the medicine and . . . everything." Bucky sounded more determined than depressed, though; he'd made it to a turning point in his post traumatic stress.
"It's okay," Steve murmured softly, kissing and nipping. He moved his face to nuzzle at Bucky's neck, breathing in his lover's scent, "I understand."
"Yeah, you always do, Stevie. You're the best." Bucky stole another kiss then straightened and stepped back, as if he'd sensed the approach of someone, though Steve had also heard the very light step; a knock on the wooden panel outside their tent alerted the pair that they had a visitor.
"Captain?" Peggy's voice came to the pair. "May I have a word?"
Reluctant since they'd just started making a break through the tension of the past months, Steve raised his voice. "Please, come in."
She did so and made sure the tent closed completely, shielding the three of them from view. "We have a mission," she began softly.
xxx
Setting: AU: Monday, June 26, 1944: Azzano, Italy
Bucky didn't wake anyone as he sat by the fire in the early dawn, smiling widely and feeling like he was coming to life as much as the day was. Three days he'd been off that damn medication, despite the doctor thinking he'd revert back to fear and shell shock. Three days and he could smell, taste, feel again. And last night, sleeping beside Steve until Monty woke him up for second watch, Bucky hadn't had a single bad thought. He'd slept for four hours with no nightmares or night terrors, even without the medicine.
When Steve woke, Bucky would find a way to tell him without alerting the new guy. Demonto Rumlow was a damn nice guy, always ready to work with any one of them, teaching and learning. He let Morita and Gabe teach him baseball, and had even joined in a pick up game held by the large contingent of the base. The man knew his tasks and duties, as well, so no one had to cover for Rumlow.
And he wasn't all false perfection. The guy hated losing at poker, which he wasn't half bad at. He didn't like bugs, and complained just like the rest of them about the conditions. He liked to dance; Bucky had caught him down by the stream practicing his moves while he was supposed to be cleaning gear. If he failed to fix something and needed help, he swore more colorfully than any proverbial sailor knew how. And he was damn proud of his looks, which were pretty fine, all in all. Any time one of the women looked Rumlow's way, the man would preen. But those quirks only added to the package, making Rumlow approachable and endearing in his own way, aside from all his good qualities.
Glancing up at the heavy step of Dum Dum coming from his tent, Bucky watched the large redhead and nodded, smiling at one of his oldest friends. "Dum, how's it?"
With his customary morning grunt, until he'd had coffee, Dum Dum merely plopped down beside Bucky and reached for the godawful brew they put up with every day.
Smiling as he watched the Bostonian, Bucky lifted his own pewter mug and sipped the luke warm drink. As casually as he could, the brunet said, "no nightmares, no meds."
Dum Dum didn't seem to hear as he grumbled over the coffee Bucky had kept brewing over the low embered fire. Finally, after a few minutes and Bucky wondering if he should try again, Dum Dum Dugan took a swig of the coffee and said, "how long since you been drugged, Buck?"
Vibrating in glee, Bucky whispered, triumphantly, "three days."
Nodding, Dum Dum watched his friend, drinking still more coffee. Finally, he asked, "the doctor's don't know, do they?"
The smile faded and Bucky sighed. Softly he shook his head and replied, "not exactly. They said I shouldn't try while in the field."
"Ah," Dum Dum heaved his own sigh. "Well, best not tell them, huh?" He sipped again and glanced up, nodding once, "Jones. Up early."
"It's already getting hot and sticky and them damn mosquitoes found their way into the tent and up my shorts. I swear I got a bite the size of a nickel on my left ass cheek that's gonna kill for days!" the radioman grumbled in irritation and grabbed for his own share of the coffee.
With a snort, Bucky said, "well, I might kiss a couple asses here and there, but I draw the line at kissing a bug-bitten ass." The three burst into friendly laughter as Bucky's eyes wandered slightly towards movement: Rumlow had slipped from his own tent and was approaching. Grinning, Bucky offered a pewter mug of the coffee and called, "here for your poison, Rumlow?"
With a pleased grin, Rumlow took the mug and slipped to a seat right next to Bucky, leaving a spot for Steve on the other side, as all Commandos did. "Thanks, Sarge. How was watch?"
Delighted by his own triumphs, no matter how small, Bucky had to forcibly stop himself from relaying the real news to their newest member. Rumlow was almost qualified for Bucky watch and would be told things then but not before. Steve would tell them when he felt they could really include Rumlow, despite the Colonel's endorsement and encouragement. Bucky had no idea what held Steve back, but he wouldn't push his stubborn, hard-headed husband. Steve would come around in his own time at his own silent signal.
Peggy joined them before Bucky could respond, so he smiled and nodded at her, including their female member. "Quiet and very calm," he said, meeting her eyes then turned to look over Gabe.
The British woman studied her American friend for some time before saying, "rest while you can. All of you. Things are never certain in this place."
Bucky and Gabe lifted their mugs of coffee to toast Peggy while Dum Dum murmured an agreement. "Speaking of uncertain," the large redhead grumbled, "do we know what's for breakfast?"
Peggy poured some coffee for herself and held the mug in her hands. She glanced over at Dum Dum and, casually, said, "eggs."
"Eggs?" Morita called from the tent he'd slept in. "Wait, we've got a mission?"
xxx
Setting: AU: Monday, July 3, 1944: Azzano, Italy
Standing by the tree close to Steve's tent, Bucky smiled at Morta, his face lighting up. "Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it." He glanced around the darkened camp, the various night time activities slowing and stopping under the watchful eyes of the watch rotations beginning. "It'd be different if I was actually tired, right?"
Snickering, Morita said, "yeah, I don't mind taking first watch, Bucky. I'll go get some sleep and you wake me when it's second watch." The scrappy Californian headed towards Steve's tent and seemed rather relieved as he knocked on the tent door wood. Steve let him in.
Bucky smiled, turning to stare a moment at the moon above, enjoying the warm summer night breeze, the sounds and smells and itaste/i of everything. He'd been off the medicine for over a week and he felt great. Not one hint of a nightmare. Maybe soon they'd be able to put to bed Bucky Watch for good.
Within a few minutes of relative quiet settling over the greater camp, not just the small compound shared by the Howling Commandos and bordered by the tents of Peggy and Colonel Phillips, Rumlow walked over to Bucky. Holding a cigarette in between the forefinger and index finger of his right hand, the Italian soldier looked up at the night sky as well, letting out a pleased sigh. "A beautiful night, Barnes, is it not?"
Grinning, Bucky nodded and agreed happily, if quietly out of respect for those sleeping, "beautiful. Hey, what would you be doing if this was a normal night at home, Demonto?"
"Wooing a beautiful woman and having glorious sex with her," the dark-haired man replied without missing a beat, eliciting soft laughter from Bucky.
"Yeah, I might be doing the same thing," the American agreed happily. "Wooing the one I love."
"Well, we are in war and make due with what we have available, yes?" Demonto chuckled. "I have figured out these sleeping arrangements."
Instantly on alert despite the friendly conversation, wondering if the new man had seen through the facade, Bucky warily asked, "sleeping arrangements? Yeah?"
"Yes," Demonto replied, casually. He stumped out his cigarette against the sturdy tree beside the pair. "And I am very much looking forward to watch rotation, actually. How soon before I share with you, Sarge."
Hesitating, knowing how that sounded but praying it meant something more iinnocent/i, Bucky hesitated before answering, "schedules are up to the Captain. But, you did well on the mission . . . really came through. Probably pretty soon." He offered Rumlow a smile of comraderie to take any sting away, really liking the guy and hoping his messed up, returning hormones were causing his paranoia and misunderstanding.
Nodding, smiling, Rumlow turned towards Bucky and looked him over, smiling. "Relax, Sarge. I am not a rookie. I have been around enough field missions to know the drill."
Stiffening, feeling damn sure he understood those connentations, Bucky let out a low, one word response of shock. "What?"
Grinning still, not taking the hint for what it really was, but apparently more as a warning about the very public conversation, Rumlow lifted a hand and stroked some dirt from Bucky's cheek. "Yeah, always someone has to take care of the men. Usually not as pretty as you, but I am not complaining."
Pushing away Rumlow's hand instantly, anger flashed in Bucky's eyes. There was no doubt whatsoever what the lieutenant meant by his words. Rumlow's low laughter confirmed it and the Italian officer slowly stroked a hand up Bucky's left arm. "Take care of . . ." he pushed off the other man's hand.
"Hey, maybe we can find some alone time right now, since technically we are not needed for a watch on this big base," Rumlow purred out.
"Back off, Rumlow," Bucky let out a soft warning growl, eliciting a return frown and growl in annoyance at the rejection.
Instead of taking the hint, Demonto whirled and slammed Bucky into the tree, pinning his left arm. He twisted Bucky's right arm up behind his back, simultaneously bringing his knee up to hit into Bucky's thigh, just missing his nuts, and crashing his lips over Bucky's in a rough kiss. With his free hand, Demonto began unfastening the buttons of Bucky's fly. Pulling away just enough, Demonto growled, "it is not nice to service the other men and not me, Sarge. I am higher rank than all of them . . ."
But Bucky no longer heard the sound of the once friendly voice. Trapped instead in the fear and shock, Bucky went wild, screaming at the top of his lungs more horribly than any nightmare had previously caused. He thrashed wildly, trying to break free of Predan, screaming wordlessly, even beyond reciting his usual mantra of name, rank, and serial number. Every man and woman in the tents surrounding them were ripped painfully from sleep or other duties at the good awful tortured screams.
As Peggy and Colonel Philips burst from their tents, Dum Dum seemed to make it to the struggling pair first, punching Demonto squarely in the jaw to get him to release the wild Bucky. When Rumlow backed up in pain and shock, Dum Dum threw himself on the equally tall and built man, pinning him to the ground in the dirt and cursing at him in thorough backstreet American swears.
Bucky curled into an incoherent ball, rocking and babbling in a mix of Polish, Welsh, and Gaelic, back into his mantra from his imprisonment. Peggy knelt by him, ignoring any strikes he made at her in his blind fear. "Sergeant, shhh . . ." she soothed in her calm manner, though she could not break through to the terrified man. Looking up, she called out, "Dernier, take the watch! Rogers! Someone get Rogers!"
Steve was already on his way over, skidding to his knees in the dirt right next to Bucky, "Bucky? Buck . . . it's alright . . ." Steve immediately started to stroke Bucky back, his hand moving in soothing circles.
"Get Barnes to his tent, Captain. Don't leave him alone," Peggy ordered, not even acknowledging all of the Howlin' Commandos standing around in total shock and confusion.
Nodding once, Steve scooped up Bucky, not letting go no matter how hard Bucky struck him in the brunet's blind panic. Steve strode directly to his tent, the canvas flap fluttering shut behind him.
"What the hell on God's green Earth is going on in my base?" Colonel Philips roared behind them, not stopping Steve from getting Bucky out of the commotion. But suddenly, just as Steve disappeared into the tent, Philips roared again, "Rogers! Get your ass out here! Morita, go tend Barnes. Someone get the damned doctor! I thought we got past this! Rogers!"
Bucky was too far gone at the moment to seem to realize that Steve and Morita were on either side of him, no longer thrashing, falling almost terrifyingly still and quiet. Morita shot Steve a look of intense worry. "I got this, Cap. You go calm him." Morita started guiding Bucky, boots and all, into the double bunk.
Nodding once, Steve turned on his heel and strode out of the tent, heading not for Philips but directly for where Dum Dum restrained Rumlow. Growling low in the back of his throat, a low, raspy noise of pure anger, Steve gestured for Dum Dum to get up off the other man. Once the red-head obeyed, Steve grabbed Rumlow by the collar of his shirt and snarled, "what the hell did you do?" Steve lifted Rumlow off the ground, so that the man could barely touch the dirt with the tips of his toes. Steve gave Rumlow a violent shake.
"Nothing, Captain! I touched his arm. I spoke of home. I . . ." Rumlow's defense was cut short by a very angry Peggy.
"You never thought beyond your cotch. That young soldier was a prisoner of war at Azzano Factory and suffered torture beyond what any man should ever endure. So far all of these men have done a fine job keeping his fears and memories in check so we don't lose the best damned sniper in the war. And you come in and mess him over by trying to rape him?" Peggy's voice held real disgust.
Rumlow's eyes widened in guilty horror and he tried to stammer a defense as Dum Dum practically lunged at him once more.
Steve turned and slammed Rumlow's back against the same tree that the other man had pinned Bucky to just moments before. "You are a disgrace!" Steve snarled, still not letting Rumlow's feet touch the ground. He slammed Rumlow again, with enough force to crack the bark of the tree behind him.
Peggy ordered, "Steve, go tend James! We'll take care of the prisoner!" Dum Dum and Falsworth immediately moved up to take Rumlow from Steve's grasp, Monty meeting Steve's eyes briefly, silently, as they did so.
With another growl, Steve practically tossed Rumlow from his grip and looked to Philips, "permission to tend my man, Sir?" His voice held a vibration of anger.
"Go, go, Rogers. Tend him. I'll send a doctor with a tranquilizer if you need it. And throw this filth in the stockade! I want him off my base as soon as we can arrange it, filthy man-fucker." Philips whirled back to the other Commandos.
Steve made his way back into his tent, relieved that Bucky wasn't screaming anymore at least. He looked to Morita and asked, "how's he doin'?"
Looking up from where he cuddled desperately against the still and silent brunet, Morita shook his head. Helplessly he murmured, "been like this since I put him in the bunk. Not even saying his name and stuff anymore. Not so sure it's a good thing, Cap, even if he's quit screaming and hitting."
"I'll take it from here," Steve said softly, "thank you." The blond's bright blue eyes looked extremely worried.
Hesitating as he slipped from the bunk, Morita put his hand on Steve's arm and revealed what everyone suspected, "you take care of your lover." He hurried from the tent to go back to watch.
After Morita left, Steve climbed onto the pallet with his lover, his husband, and slipped in behind him. Afraid to use any kissing or touching, not wanting to trigger Bucky again, Steve whispered soothingly, "it's okay, Bucky. You're safe. You're alright. I'm here. I'm right here."
Bucky let out a violent shudder then slowly, very slowly, trembling, he turned in Steve's arms, back to the thin tent wall, and buried his face in Steve's neck. "Cariad."
xxx
Setting: AU: Tuesday, July 4, 1944: Azzano, Italy
As the dawn broke over the camp once more, the gentle brush of Bucky's lips over Steve's throat woke the dozing blond soldier. The movement came again, small, hesitant, and trembling.
Blinking awake, Steve's eyes focused on Bucky after a moment and he breathed out, "Buck?" He carefully brought his hand to Bucky's back, stroking up the brunet's spine.
"Need you, darlin'," Bucky drawled, his accent thick with Brooklyn and exhaustion. "Need to be one with my husband. Prove I'm still me and not what they tried to make me, ya know?" He kissed again at Steve's throat, ignoring both of their morning stubble.
Groaning very softly, Steve whispered, "are you sure, Buck?" Steve's cock pressed against his trousers.
"Stevie," Bucky whispered, lifting his face and meeting his husband's eyes. "I need to be the one inside? Ya know?" He flushed, not trying to belittle Steve's love of bottom, but needing to feel in control. He'd never appreciated receiving, being on bottom, not like Steve seemed to enjoy. I made them the perfect couple, but Bucky wasn't thinking about that. He needed to wipe out the memory of nearly being forced once more.
"I know, Buck," Steve nodded, tongue darting out to wet his plush lips. "I want that. As long as you're sure."
Nodding, Bucky continued to meet his lover's eyes. "I'm sure, Stevie. I wanna be your husband. I wanna be with you." He brushed his lips over Steve's with a soft breath of desire. "You okay with me? With what I . . . I feel and think?"
"Of course I am," Steve confirmed with a nod, reaching up to run his fingers through Bucky's hair. "I love you. All of you."
"Cariad," Bucky breathed, a small smile of gratitude playing across his face. "Need some oil or something, Stevie?" Bucky didn't even hesitate, trusting Steve when he gave his permission. Reaching down, Bucky began unfastening Steve's drawers, slipping his hand in to caress his husband's already swollen cock. Murmuring in pleasure, Bucky said, "so big for me already, Cariad."
A flush ran from Steve's cheek down his firm chest. "Can . . . can I touch you, Bucky?"
With a soft groan of desire, Bucky nodded and pulled back enough to give them both room to explore. "Yeah, darlin'. Wanna feel your big hands all over me." He grinned as he inadvertently revealed the large bulge in his own trousers for the idea of his husband. "Kinda needy here, Stevie."
Letting out a low groan, Steve quickly moved his hand under the band of Bucky's underwear, his large hand palming and stroking his lover's filling cock. Smiling at the feeling of his lover's arousal, Steve breathed out, "I love you, Buck."
Smiling, thrusting a little into Steve's grip to let his husband know this was more than okay, Bucky murmured back, "I love you so much, Stevie. You take my breath away in all the good ways, ya know?" He kissed Steve's lips and murmured, "to the end of the line."
Mewling, Steve stroked his hand up and down Bucky's length, not wanting this moment to end. "To the end of the line," Steve echoed.
Bucky wriggled out of his clothes then quickly stripped his husband. "You sure about this Stevie? Haven't had a man in awhile, have you? Since before you left for war?" He reached down beyond Steve's cock, caressing the entire way, under his sac, across his perineum, and over to his anus. Slipping the tip of his index finger across Steve's opening, Bucky breathed out a sigh of pleasure. "My beautiful little husband. My Stevie."
Steve's legs opened a little wider, and he brought his arm to his mouth to help muffle any noises that might come out. Steve's hips rocked, his body desperately wanting Bucky inside him once more.
Smiling in pleasure to see Steve's honest, pleasurable reaction, Bucky slid his finger into Steve, surprised to find him already slick. "Damn, Steve, you have wanted me so bad . . ." he felt sure his husband must have made a habit of oiling himself up in the hopes of being ready for when Bucky finally was. "My sweet little Stevie. I'm here for you now. I've gotcha." Bucky added a second finger, feeling Steve widen easily and eagerly for him. "Want me, darlin'? Want me inside ya?"
Nodding, keeping his arm over his mouth, Steve whimpered. He rocked his hips, trying to get more friction on his sensitive inner walls.
Chuckling softly, Bucky pulled his fingers free and lined up, the large head of his cock probing at Steve's entrance. "Hey, Stevie. This what you want?" When he heard the muffled moan and saw his frantic nod, Bucky smiled wider. Pushing carefully into Steve, too long denied this sensation that made him feel like he was coming home, Bucky breathed out, "happy birthday, Cariad."
xxx
Setting: AU: Wednesday, July 5, 1944: Azzano, Italy
Surprisingly, no one bothered Bucky for the entire Fourth, only pulling away Steve to get his input on what had occurred during the watch. The next day, however, with the sun came unexpected changes even the Captain hadn't been told about.
Colonel Phillips didn't even knock as he swept the tent flap aside on the pair wrapped in one another's arms in the privacy of the Captain's tent. Stepping inside, actually not drawing attention to the illicit nude couple cuddling in drowsy awakening, Phillips barked out, "in uniform Sergeant and report to me. You have twenty minutes. Bring you medicine and toothbrush." The older man paused a bit then lowered his voice to a bare growling whisper, "and that kind of thing is to be done where you won't be found, Captain. We have an image to uphold, even in war. They won't like this kind of thing getting back to the States . . . civilians never understand what soldiers are forced to face." The old soldier strode from the tent, firmly closing the flap behind him once more, never having explained what he was going to do to Bucky.
Blinking, scrambling from the bunk to quickly wash in lukewarm water meant for drinking, Bucky whispered, "oh, God, he knows. Shit!" Rather than the depression he displayed for several months, or the consummate fear of two nights ago, Bucky seemed focused, his intelligent eyes revealing his clever mind spun through many different scenarios that could take place. He pulled out fresh underpants and stepped into them. "Stevie, you let them know I've been fine ever since, right? No nightmares or anything? I know it's only been a day, but I've been fine." Bucky glanced to his husband. Since they could do nothing about the Colonel's knowledge, Bucky chose to concentrate on the possible ramifications of his breakdown on watch instead.
Panicking just as much as Bucky on the inside, Steve forced himself to look calm, not wanting Bucky to get any more scared. The last few months had been hard and Bucky had just started getting better. Even with the attack the night before last and now with Philips barging in, Bucky still seemed to be okay. "I'll tell them the truth, Bucky, and the truth is that you have been better."
Quickly giving Steve a kiss, grabbing his medicine bottle, Bucky murmured, "I love you, Cariad. I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't get hurt out there without me." He gave his husband a small salute, the light in the tent glinting off his wedding ring on his right hand.
Steve returned the quick kiss, stroking a hand down Bucky's back before stepping back. Rolling his eyes playfully, Steve said, "you know I'll be fine. You be safe, Bucky. I love you."
"Hey, Cap, when I get back you gonna give me what I really need?" Bucky asked, a suggestive note in his whispered question.
Flushing, Steve smiled and said, "of course, Buck."
Bucky nodded and slipped from the tent, actually taking his half packed gear bag with him. He responded with warm greetings for the friends who, surprised, called hello. Agent Carter stood by and Bucky trotted over to her, his bag slung over one shoulder, medicine in his pocket. "Agent . . ." he began, trying to judge her mood.
With a brisk nod, Peggy said, "this way, Sergeant." She turned and led him from the smaller compound to the larger.
Following her brisk pace, Bucky instantly knew that this wasn't a disciplinary hearing he attended, or she would have been even more formal. Instead, she'd been respectful and receptive without the casual greetings they often exchanged. Taking the chance that she'd give him information in this mood, Bucky asked, "Agent, am I being transferred?" He firmly pushed down his fear of being sent to an asylum stateside.
"Evaluated," Peggy responded, giving Bucky the barest hint of a smile, eyes sympathetic and warm. "The doctors want to speak to you about how you've been doing and your last . . . reaction."
"That's what I thought. But I've been doing good," Bucky instinctively offered the beginning of his defense.
"I know you have. I've been serving with you, Sergeant, and have seen the improvements." Peggy stopped before the medical tent used for the psychiatric doctor and his two interns, separated from the main infirmary. She opened the tent flap and led Bucky inside, calling out softly, "Sergeant Barnes. And, doctors, before any final decisions are made, you are to consult with Colonel Phillips, Captain Rogers, and me."
"Naturally," the doctor responded, hurrying over to the pair. "Barnes, come. This way. We need to talk." Checking over the soldier in his uniform, the doctor turned and nodded to a chair by a desk. "Come, Sergeant. It is time to evaluate your effectiveness in the field and the danger you present to your allies."
Bucky set his bag down by the door. Sinking onto the edge of the chair, Bucky lay his cap over one knee and watched the doctor intently, slipping his hand into his pocket to pull out the bottle of medicine. Placing it on the desk as the doctor sank into his own chair, Bucky said, matter of fact, "I stopped taking them around June twenty-second."
Eyes on the pill bottle, the doctor slowly opened a folder on his desk and began writing. "You stopped your medicine without authorization then had a mental breakdown that woke half the camp, a very dangerous and foolish endeavor. Irresponsible."
"The break down was a direct result of Rumlow trying to rape me, Sir!" Bucky protested, shocked that the entire thing would be blamed on him. "Yes, I stopped the medicine because I felt dull and listless, but I hadn't had a single nightmare or panic attack since!"
"Patient refuses to accept responsibility for his endangering actions. Mentions a rape which is not evidenced by anything. Possibly hallucinating the original trauma," the doctor continued to speak out loud as he wrote.
Anger flaring, Bucky grew quieter, not loud, not shouting. "You gotta be kidding me! Don't I get a fair hearing? I demand you speak to the commanding officer! Speak to Agent Carter! At least wait for the results of the court martial against Rumlow!"
After a long moment, the doctor reached over to pick up the bottle, open it, and dump it on the desk, counting pills carefully. "Contents of the medication bottle contain the remaining dosage specified by the patient. He stopped taking the assigned dose as of June twenty-second, two weeks ago."
"You're only writing down the bad stuff you're hearing, Doctor," Bucky pointed out. "But what about the good things? What about the facts outside the medicine which led to the panic?" He felt genuine fear creeping over him as the doctor continued to write and speak, all but ignoring his patient.
Finally, Bucky stood and put his hat on. "With all due respect, Sir, this is horse shit! If I'm going to be put on trial for anything, I demand an honest court martial, not some trumped up, one-sided list of symptoms and opinions from a man who wasn't even there. I refuse to be put in an asylum or sent stateside or anything until I see my commanding officers and discuss this with representation!"
Putting down his pen, the doctor smiled and said, "good. I was afraid the medicine might have dulled your logical thinking processes. It has recently been posited that long-term use of this specific medication can lead to dullness of reactions and thought. I was going to switch you if you couldn't be removed from a medication at all. Now sit and we will really talk." He looked at Bucky.
The brunet hesitated then slid back into the chair, frowning. "Don't toy with me, Doc. I had enough of that to last a lifetime."
"No more toying, Sergeant. You have my word. Now, tell me about the watch with Lieutenant Rumlow. Leave nothing out." The doctor left his pen on the notebook, meeting Bucky's wary pale blue eyes with his own serious dark ones.
xxx
Setting: AU: Monday, September 11, 1944: Azzano, Italy
Steve tried to focus on the motions of tying the tie of his uniform, sweat beading his brow. He tried not to think about the painful cramping in his abdomen. He hadn't felt anything like this since before he'd gotten the serum. Was the serum failing?
He could hear the sounds of the Commandos outside, talking and laughing in the early fall sun. As Steve continued not to make his appearance for the mission briefing, someone came to check on him. For nine weeks, Bucky had been missing without any word, and everyone knew Steve was on edge. The team sniper had been taken to re-evaluation a couple days after the attack on watch and that was the last anyone, including Colonel Phillips, had been told. A firm knock on the wood outside his tent sounded and Peggy's voice spoke up, "Captain?"
"Yes, Peggy? Come in," Steve called out, voice a bit shaky.
Walking in, Peggy instantly took in the pale skin, the flushed face, and the hunched, protective posture. Eyes widening in surprise, she breathed out, "diarrhea? Vomiting?"
"No, just cramps. I used ta get this way before the serum," Steve managed to inform his friend. Blue eyes flickering up to meet Peggy's, Steve added, "I'll be alright."
"Steve, no one knows what that serum will do or how long it lasts. I'm taking you to medical to be cleared." Peggy firmly took Steve's arm and began to guide him from the tent. "If the serum is failing, I want you where they can care for that heart that used to be so weak."
Once she'd guided the large man into medical, Peggy stayed, not removing her eyes even as they stripped and examined him intimately. She acted as if she saw nothing shocking, but when she saw the blood coming from Steve's nether passage, the woman turned just a shade paler, eyes widening in worry. Peggy turned to give him privacy at last.
The doctor had Steve bent over a bed, examining him with a finger since he didn't possess any of the fancy equipment they had as civilians. He moved around behind Steve, using his finger to look for lesions or bumps. Finally, having eased something free from Steve's passage, easing the pain considerably, the doctor placed the small clot and body tissue ball into a jar then removed his gloves. "Captain? I found nothing wrong inside. A small tear, perhaps, near the back. I see it's listed as having appeared before when you were a teen? But it cleared up?"
Steve nodded, chest heaving a bit, "yes, Sir, it cleared up and never returned."
With a nod, the doctor turned and smiled reassuringly to Steve. "Well, we'll have this sample tested, but I think it's nothing to worry about. Probably due to the high stress of your missions. You need a couple days bed rest and plenty of water. You should be fine. If something changes or the bleeding continues, come back in."
Peggy cleared her throat and turned around. "Will the Captain be able to do his mission, Doctor?"
"We have a mission in two days, Doctor," Steve confirmed, glancing from Peggy to the Doctor.
"Well, you have two days to rest then. Any planning that needs to be done can be at your bedside. I understand your men don't frown on injury the same as the rest of this man's army. Just take it easy and if the symptoms clear, you can do your mission. If not, choose one of your men to do point and you stay behind on radio contact." The doctor washed his hands, dried them, then started writing something. "Oh, and Captain?"
"Yes, Doctor?" Steve asked.
Glancing up, smiling, the man chuckled, "go next door and take that damn layabout back with you. I fear he's going to get fat if I let my inferrior keep coddling him and playing poker. I swear, the medical staff has lost half a month's wages already. Sick my ass. Just put him back to work."
Blinking, Steve nodded once and eased back up, straightening his uniform before turning to the other room. He poked his head inside, "Bucky?"
Glancing up from where he lay on a cot, reading a science fiction book, Bucky leapt to his feet and hurried over, book forgotten. He saluted then hugged Steve, keeping it distant since he refused to be separated on grounds of negligence. "Captain! I'm told I'm going back in the field with ino /imedications. I just need to talk my feelings and fears out, but they said the Commandos seems to be what's best for me. Hey," Bucky stopped and frowned, checking over Steve. "Ya sick, Stevie?" Instant worry filled the brunet's voice for his husband.
"He'll be fine, Sergeant," Peggy interrupted. "Let's go back so we can begin planning. We have a mission in a couple of days, don't we, Captain Rogers?" She offered Steve a small smile.
Steve nodded, offering a reassuring smile to Bucky, "yes, we do. I'm glad to have you back, Buck."
"Glad to be back, Cariad," Bucky murmured on a smile as he fell in step with Steve and Peggy.