Chapter Eight: Collapse

"I was ill prepared for marriage, my youth and immaturity hindering my ability to cope with the demands inflicted upon me by my husband. At least, this was how I attempted to justify his erratic behavior during the first months of our marriage.

There were subtle warnings I ignorantly dismissed. Vladimir loves beauty, but more importantly he loves to be envied. He surrounds himself with rarities and relishes in the praise. I was ignorant but not an idiot. I realized fairly early on I was merely another possession in his collection, one he constantly had on display. Despite his connections and title, he wished to secure a position within the aristocracy of Europe. He wanted me to be his key into a circle of socialites who would not have him because of his blemished pedigree due to his mother. Any reservations aristocracy had about him quickly dissolved when he introduced me into their circle. Despite being overwhelmed, I miraculously managed to maintain a confident façade.

I suppose a part of me was genuinely attempting to fulfill my role and please my husband, while the other was merely frightened of failing him. Regardless, the first year of our marriage was one of many lessons and resentment. Vladimir is and will always be a complex man for all who know him. I do not believe there is another person on this earth who could understand or justify his behavior. I tried and failed, and yet I can't help but feel I perhaps did not attempt hard enough to understand him.

From the beginning of our marriage, Vladimir began instructing me on how I was to behave and dress. He deemed my taste dull and childish. I believed him when he said, he knew what fashions would suit me best. He was correct; for his taste in clothing was immaculate. I did not resent his choice in clothing but rather his insistence in dictating what I was to wear during specific social functions. I was naïve but not an idiot; I came to understand fairly on, as much as he was disliked, no one could dare refuse an Alexandrov. Even outside of Russia, our name carries a great amount of clout. My name and face were all he needed, and as such he did all in his power to ensure they remained unblemished.

My correspondence was monitored acutely. I could only reply to letters under his guidance and inspection. Much like my ventures outside of the home, I was to be always escorted by his men. People jested over his protectiveness, and he'd casually laugh and reply he was merely protecting his prized possession. His words were closer to the truth than anyone realized.

I've know much about my husband he does not wish me to reveal. Vladimir loves to flash his wealth, indulging in lavish expenses he cannot financial sustain without the aid of my dowry and annual allowance. His financial woes have been thus far a very guarded secret, however, for how much longer, I cannot possibly guess. Yet it is more than his financial difficulties he is afraid of having known. He wishes to have to his image of a respectable and gallant Count intact, he does not wish personal and disturbing facts to be known about him.

Vladimir had affairs before our marriage. He informed me of this during our honeymoon when he failed to consummate the marriage. He berated me for my ignorance and inability to stir the proper emotions in him. He informed me he would continue on with his paramour, promising he'd be discreet if I would turn a blind eye. I accepted, not realizing exactly what agreement I had entered to. Soon I realized he had no interest in me as a woman. Vladimir preferred men to woman or truth be told boys to men.

I had never before heard of such a thing, but he made it seem it was natural and common. I did not protest initially. My protests only began when his behavior became perverse, usually fueled by his excessive drinking. He would bring his lovers to our home, flaunt them in my face, and mock me about not knowing how to please a man. I was shamed but nothing compared to the humiliation he forced me to endure when he ordered me to observe them together. His lover's eyes remained fixated on me throughout the entire act. I will never forget how physically ill I felt afterwards. After this I refused to participate his perverse games. My refusals lead to our first true altercation in which I suffered physical impairment. It would be my first taste of his physical maltreatment but not the last.

Unable to resist his physical cruelty, I yielded to his wishes despite my moral objections. I was terrified of his aggressions and I feared the shame that would befall upon us should the truth ever be revealed.

Although he had no interest in me as a woman, he was terribly obsessive. He believed I would become unfaithful and seek comfort elsewhere. His accusations were unfounded but it did not matter. He could be generous and kind, but he was also cruel. He appeared almost tormented at times, but is thoughts and emotions he kept to himself. I did what as I was commanded and as weeks turned into months, I accepted this was the life I was to live. God had chosen to ignore my prayers and in return I forsake God. I stopped believing in him. I lost faith, and in some ways, I slowly began to lose much of myself as I withdrew deep within my person to cope my emotional turmoil.

Our agreement was in place, in turn for being a submissive and obedient wife, he remained loyal. That is to say, he never allowed anyone to disrespect me, not even his beloved. I relished in this minor triumph for it established some respect, which was more than he was willing to provide to his lover. We had no great affection for one another, perhaps in some ways we resented one another. Regardless, we carefully restrained from engaging one another, unless absolutely necessary.

In many ways I had resolved myself to this life. On the night I came to Madame Giry, something happened which forced my hand to take action.

Vladimir always had certain guests he enjoyed to socialize with more than others. One such guest was Duke Ernest whose unwanted attentions were always rebuffed yet he continued his unscrupulous pursuit. I did not understand why Vladimir allowed him into our home, he never looked pleased when the Duke would compliment me, but he also never reproached him for the unwanted attentions he bestowed me. Two weeks ago as I sitting in my lounge chair reading, Vladimir came into my room. He looked disturbed; I had never seen him look so amiss. He wasn't alone. Behind him was the Duke who gave me a smile, I found positively nerve wrecking.

My nervous state only intensified when both men entered my room. Vladimir approached me slowly kneeling before me.

"My dear little wife," he said in Russian, "I cannot have you making a scene, do you understand." I numbly nodded my head. "The Duke is to spend the night with you." I could not believe what he had said. Words died my throat as I struggled to make sense of what was happening.

"You cannot be serious," I whispered in Russian.

"Do not make a scene and do as he asks." He pulled me to my feet and looked me straight in the eyes before leaning in to place a kiss on my forehead. "I will compensate you for this."

"Vladimir," I pleaded grabbing his forearm in desperation, "You cannot be serious."

"Do as he says," he repeated impassively, "it's not a choice."He pulled my hand off him before turning to the Duke. "She understands."He began to walk toward my bedroom door; I hurried behind him grasping at his arm.

"You can't do this Vladimir! Please! I'm your wife!" I tried to reason with him.

"Tatiana, stop making a fool of yourself." he hissed into my ear before leaving the bedroom. I heard him lock the door causing my heart to sink to the floor as I realized it was not some sick game.

"Do you mind if I sit?"

I turned around to see the Grand Duke sitting where I had only been resting a few moments before. My head was spinning and for a moment I believed I would faint. His coy smile did nothing to detour from the intensity of his stare.

"I have wanted you for some time Tatiana." he bluntly professed.

"I want nothing to do with you," I replied to him in French, "Please leave." He laughed out loud and I stared at him in bewilderment.

"My dear, in case you have not noticed. You are in no place to be making demands of me. Vladimir has locked the door; it's just me and I tonight." I cried out in indignation when he began to remove his jacket.

"What are you doing?"

"I cannot make love to you dressed, can I?" he casually threw it onto the nearby chair. As he began to unbutton his vest, I began to tremble as fear and rage gripped me.

"Undress." He ordered. In a panic I ran towards my boudoir only to have him wrap an arm around my waist and pull me back against him. "Your fire only excites me." He whispered into my ear before placing wet disgusting kisses against my neck. I feigned surrender as he continued his kisses, believing I had yielded, he turned me to face him and smiled before leaning in to kiss me. I seized the opportunity and shoved him away from me with enough force he stumbled back as he nearly lost his footing.

He stared at me in utter amazement before lunging at me again but this time I escaped his grasp as I made it to the boudoir. I quickly locked the door and hurried to my jewelry cabinet. I could hear the Duke attempting to open the door. I knew if I did not obliged to Vladimir's request, I would pay dearly. I could not do as he asked. I refused to be anyone's whore, everyone had their limit and I had reached mine. I knew I could not remain, I would have to flee. I quickly grabbed a bag and filled it with some of the lighter pieces of jewels I would be able to sell if need be. I reached for a cloak and frankly searched for a silver engraved letter opener Vladimir had gifted to me recently. Locating it, I quickly lifted my skirt and hid the sharp object securing it with my garter. It was then I heard the door break open and as I turned around the Duke fell upon me.

I started to fight him with all my might. I knew I could not let him win. Fueled by anger and revolution I struck him as he attempted to kiss me, undeterred he wrestled me to the ground until I was beneath him. I gagged as his mouth crushed mine; his hands roaming over my figure despite my muffled protests. I began striking him with a closed fist in rage, wanting him to feel a fraction of the pain I was feeling at the moment as I realized he was far too strong for me to fight alone. One of his hands began to pull on the fabric on the front of my dress. His mouth at left mine as he began to his my neck and collar bone. I cried out in utter disgust and shock, I knew it would only get worse if I did not stop him somehow. I could feel his hard member pressing against my thigh he attempted to raise my skirt. Without hesitating my hand went to where I had hid the letter opener and I stabbed him in the neck. He screamed in agony as his hand flew to the wound on his neck. I quickly pushed him off and moved away from his injured person.

"Chienne!" he spat out as blood poured from his wound and mouth.

I stared at him without an ounce of remorse. I adjusted my clothes before quickly reaching for my cloak and my bag. With a surge of determination I made up my mind to leave no matter the cost. I looked down at the Duke who was still conscious, I knelt down before I spitting onto his face and removed the letter opener from his neck. He cried out again, hissing vulgarities as I stepped away from him. The hate and venom I saw reflected in his gaze is something I will never forget.

I went to my bedroom door and used the knife to force the lock. After several attempts I was finally able to open the door. I swiftly rushed out of the room towards the stairs. As I was nearing the bottom of the stairs I heard Vladimir cry, "Where do you think you are going?" I turned to see Vladimir rushing down the stairs towards me. I started to walk faster down the stairs knowing if he caught me, I would be unlikely to survive the night. Just as I finally reached the floor I felt his one his bodyguards grab me. In desperation I bit his hard causing his hold to loosen enough for me to use the small letter opener once more. I stabbed him in the knee and much to my surprise he fell to the floor.

"A person can only take so much!" I cried. "I swear if you come near me I will kill you and don't think that I won't! I have more than enough reasons to!"

I rushed out the house, I did not dare look back. Even as I ran past the gates and onto the streets I did not look back. Horror quickly gripped me as I began to come to my senses. I had possibly killed a man, and I had fled my home . I did not trust any of our acquaintances to help, I knew they would more than likely return me to Vladimir. It was at this moment I remembered Madame Giry. You had always said she was a woman I could trust."

Tatiana tear stained face looked at her father as she fell onto her knees before him.

"Forgive me for the sins I have committed, father." She begged. "Please forgive me."

Her father stared at her with a grief-stricken expression, his eyes red and moist. He remained still as he shook his head slowly, and for a moment she genuinely believed she had broken his heart.

"No Tatiana," he said as he knelt before her, "it is I who should be asking for forgiveness."

She cried as they embraced. Sobbing onto his shoulder as his absolution lifted a heavy burden from her conscious. As her father embraced her closer, for the first time in years, she felt an overwhelming sense of comfort and love that she had nearly forgotten existed.

A/N: Not going to lie, it was a difficult chapter to revise. Not sure if I'm completely content with the final result, but it's better than what I started with it. Thank you for the reviews and feedback. I was going to update on Monday, but decided to space it out by a few more days. Next chapter should be up this weekend.