Heroin and Vodka

Author's note: Ok. I'm updating rather quickly here. I'm on a tight schedule due to my internship and haven't got much free time as it stands. So, the pace might be hindered once in a while. Bear with me. Anyways, enjoy.

Chapter 10

Flashback begins

"What's wrong?" Annalise asked, in a daze, gazing up at Bonnie. "Did you do something to him?"

Bonnie was silent for a while before she replied in a grave voice.

"There is no baby Annalise."

"No. Unh-unh." Annalise replied in denial. "Bonnie…I-I told you there was a woman at the door and she was hysterical and she put the baby in my arms—"

"No. It was in your head." Bonnie cut across.

"—and I didn't want the baby and…" Annalise continued, not noticing the interruption.

"It was in your head. Like last time."

End Flashback

"Annalise?" Isaac asked.

Isaac's voice snapped Annalise out of her trance.

"Oh. What? Sorry I must have spaced out." Annalise replied, regaining her senses.

"Not a concern. I deal with it on a daily basis." He replied with a chuckle. "How are you feeling, Annalise? He asked softly. "Our sessions can wait if you wish to take a few more days of rest and—"

"No." Annalise replied, cutting across. "I'm fine now. Been cooped up in my house for two weeks isn't my idea of a vacation." Annalise replied with a sigh.

Isaac gave a wry smile.

"Ok then. Since you've given me the green signal, I'd like to take a new approach today. It's what I prefer to call reversion therapy. So, what you have to do is describe a memory of yours. Is there any particular memory that's been bothering you for years? Something that you wish to forget, something that you wished never happened?" Isaac probed.

Annalise was silent for a few moments, before she dug into her bag. She took out a photograph and handed it to Isaac.

Isaac gazed at it intently for a few seconds.

It was a picture of Annalise wearing a hospital gown, lying on a bed. She looked weary and tired. To her left was a man wearing a hospital gown as well. He immediately recognized the man as Sam Keating, Annalise's deceased husband. He had a grim look on his face. But what caught Isaac's attention was the thing she held in her hands.

It was a baby.

A newborn by the looks of it…Isaac thought fondly. A thought struck him all of a sudden.

Is this….?

"Had a car accident at eight months. He died." Annalise's voice snapped Isaac out of his thoughts.

Isaac met Annalise's eyes. They held an unknown emotion in them, that he couldn't quite decipher.

"I'm sorry." he replied, softly. His voice quivered a bit.

"I know you're just doing your job, bringing up Sam and my uncle…" she continued, "…But this…It was years of feeling like my body was broken. Sticking myself with needles. Fighting with Sam about it. T-This wasn't even w-what I wanted." She replied, her voice breaking.

Isaac's heart twisted in pain, unwanted memories surfacing to his mind.

Start flashback

"Look daddy." a girl, not more than seven years of age, cried out in joy as she rode a bicycle. "I'm doing it. I'm riding a bicycle!" She burst into a peal of laughter as she began to ride faster nad faster down the lane.

"Stella, be careful. Ok?" Isaac called out in worry.

…

A pale face swam into his vision, its lifeless eyes staring accusingly up at him.

"Stella!" a voice cried out, in agony.

"….To finally hearing his heart beat."

Annalise's voice jolted Isaac back to the present. Isaac couldn't bear to meet her eyes, knowing the pain that he would see in them.

"That was a real loss. Of him. Me. Who I was before all this. Dead. I killed us both."

"Were you drinking?" Isaac enquired.

"No. Someone hit me." Annalise informed.

"So it was an accident. You didn't—"

"No. Stop!" Annalise replied forcefully, cutting Isaac across. " I'm opening up like you want me to. Yo-You keep steering me someplace….to get me to feel something that you think I should be feeling. Let me feel guilty!

"I'm sorry." Isaac apologized. "I don't mean to make you feel—"

"Well you do!" Annalise interrupted. "So does everyone. The whole world. Always making me feel I'm not right the way I am. Sam wanted me to be a mother. My clients wanted me to be a hero. My students want me to be an inspiration. I can't be all those things. I can't be strong all the time!" Annalise finished. She looked up at Isaac.

"Now say something…" she broke off.

Isaac finally met Annalise's gaze.

"I think you're stronger than anyone else would be in your shoes." Isaac replied softly.

"I'm not." Annalise replied stubbornly.

"Look at the evidence. Everything you've survived." Isaac continued, trying to make Annalise see reason. "You lost a child. That pain alone is enough to level a parent. But you got up and fought for your life."

"I tried to take my life." Annalise added, gravely.

Isaac stopped, an inquiring look on his face.

"After that picture…It was my worst nightmare that followed me home. To an empty nursery. A body producing milk for a child that wasn't there. Sam watching over me every minute, trying to fix it…." She took a deep breath. " Oh, I want to drink."

She began to sob.

Isaac's heart twisted painfully, as he continued to listen.

"Because… as a mother, I just… I wanted to die with my son. And I really t-tried." She took another deep breath. "Sleeping pills. Bonnie found me on the bathroom floor and took me to the never knew.

Annalise was silent after that. Tears were streaming down her face.

Isaac gulped painfully before taking a deep breath and looking back up at Annalise.

"I'm so sorry Annlise. I know that must have been difficult to recount. But the loss of your child is something we haven't discussed and rather than have that grief resurface when it can really upend your sobriety, I want to encourage you to deal with it now. I'm going to give you some homework.

Annalise sighed.

"I'm on a case right now. I don't want homework as well." she replied, rolling her eyes.

Isaac gave a dry grin.

"I want you to write a letter to your baby. Right from your gut. How you feel about everything that's happened to you since he passed. All the issues that feel unresolved. We'll see what comes up."

Whether she found the instructions odd or not, Annalise didn't show. She merely nodded.

"She's suicidal?" a woman asked, skeptically.

She was a tall woman. Middle aged with blonde hair. She looked to be nearly fifty.

"She was." Isaac replied, hesitantly.

"Ok, this is why she needs a new therapist." The woman replied, in a sigh.

"She's got no one on her side right now, Jacqueline." Isaac informed her.

The woman, now identified as Jacqueline, frowned.

"What would you say to your colleague who walked into your office, profoundly depressed.? Annalise triggering them session after session. You would tell them to extricate themselves from the situation immediately."

"I have a duty to my patient." Isaac replied after a short pause.

"You have a duty to yourself." Jacqueline countered.

"I'm fine." Isaac insisted.

"Isaac." Jacqueline replied, standing up. "You came to me for help."

"Because you're the only one who can understand!" Isaac replied in frustration.

"What if I don't want to? Has that ever crossed your mind?" Jacqueline fired back. "Maybe talking to you about dead children and suicide isn't in my best interest?"

"Well then, tell me that." Isaac countered.

"You are on the edge here." Jacqueline asserted, trying to make him see reason but failing miserably. "You might not remember what that looks like but I do."

Isaac crossed his arms and frowned.

"I am seeing that man again. He is tired, overwhelmed and on the verge of becoming very, very sick. You might be able to handle that but I can't."

Isaac nodded along, having had enough. He stood up.

"I hear you." he replied.

"Isaac sit down." Jacqueline replied, trying to placate him.

Isaac shook his head.

"You take care of yourself." he replied, turning around and leaving.