Bob Belcher is Captain Falcon
It was a Saturday at noon at Bob's Burgers.
It was a typical day for the small, family owned restaurant.
At least 5 people were eating here today, including their usual, Teddy.
However, something was different here. Someone was doing something they normally don't do. More accurately, they were wearing something they normally don't.
It was worrying his wife more than anyone else.
As she brought Teddy his order, she went to the window where she gave the orders and expressed her concern and distaste with what he was doing.
"Bob… you gotta take that off." Linda said.
"I did, Linda. I took the helmet off because it was hard to cook with it on. The smoke and steam made if hard to see through the lenses." Bob said.
"Not that…" She said before gesturing to all of him. "I meant all of that!"
Bob looked down and expressed anger.
"No way! I'm Captain Falcon!"
Underneath his apron was a blue outfit that looked like a futuristic racer. To his left is a red helmet with a black visor and a golden bird crest on the forehead.
Linda groaned.
"Bob… you're not. You just met a bunch of guys who do this kiss playing-
"Cosplaying." Bob corrected.
"Whatever… the point is, just because they gave you that outfit as a gift doesn't mean you can wear it every day. You're not this… Colonel Chicken guy."
"Captain Falcon!" Bob corrected her.
His kids, meanwhile, couldn't help but make their own comments.
"I can't tell if Dad is being cool or embarrassing." Tina admitted as she took one customer's empty cup for a refill.
"It's hilarious…" Louise said.
"It's not hilarious, it's who I am!" Bob shouted as he put the helmet on before gesturing to himself with his thumb. "This is me now!"
"Bob… you're starting to sound like Gene did with his Beefsquatch obsession." Linda said.
"It's not even original." Gene said in his usual obnoxious tone.
"The difference is that I'm a pre-existing character, a cool one!" Bob said.
Gene gasped in horror.
"How dare you!" He said with narrowed eyes.
"So, you went to pay those college guys a visit behind the dean's back to learn about this Commander Eagle guy being a racecar driver and punching out plumbers and gorillas in ties, big whoop." Linda said.
"Captain Falcon!" Bob shouted.
"You can't just go around pretending to be some video game character…" Linda said.
"Oh, so we have to bend to your wants when you want to turn the restaurant into a theater, or do a bed and breakfast, but not when I want to live out being Captain Falcon?" Bob questioned with an edge.
"When it comes to Mom's weird obsessions, they're funny." Louise said.
"Right." Linda said before realizing what Louise just said. "Wait…"
Bob went to the one person he thought he could rely on.
"Teddy, what do you think?"
"Uh… I'm not comfortable on this topic, Bob." Teddy said. "Last time I was involved with people in costumes was that incident with the Bed and Breakfast."
"I'm dressed as a guy with an animal theme, Teddy. Like Spider-Man." Bob explained.
"Even so, not sure I should get involved in this, Bobby."
"Oh, come on." Bob said.
That's when the door opened.
"Surprise, surprise!" Hugo, the health inspector, showed up. "It's time for a surprise inspection!"
Bob groaned as he headed to the door.
"I'm coming."
Ron, Hugo's assistant, waved to everyone.
"Hey, everybody." He went.
"Ron!" Hugo shouted, not liking him being friendly with the Belchers. "Now then, wh-"
Hugo stopped when Bob appeared in his Captain Falcon costume, pulling the apron off.
Bob saw them just staring and groaned.
"Well, start the inspection?"
"Bob? What in God's name are you doing wearing that?!" Hugo questioned.
"Is this a violation or something? Because I'm sure it's not…" Bob said.
"It's not but… it's ridiculous!" Hugo went.
"Captain Falcon… nice choice." Ron went.
"Don't encourage him, Ron!" Hugo shouted before going to mock Bob. "What's wrong, Bob? Trying to be a birthday party clown in case this gets shut down?"
"I'm not a clown! I'm Captain Falcon, Hugo!" Bob shouted.
"Captain… Getting His Place Shut Down… is more like it! Ha!" Hugo went.
"Eh… I've heard better." Gene went.
"No, you didn't…" Hugo said. "Now, take that thing off so I can start the inspection!"
"Oh, here we go… I'm not taking this off until it's time to sleep." Bob stated.
"Oh great, even this can't make him get it off…" Linda groaned.
Hugo rose an eyebrow.
"Seriously? How long has he worn that?" He asked.
"3 days." Linda said.
"3 days?!"
"Don't worry… I clean it!" Bob said. "By hand!"
That's when the door opened again and there was a mocking laughter from it.
"Oh my god… it's true!" The man at the door said, pointing at Bob and laughing at him.
"Ugh… what do you want, Pesto?" Bob asked.
"So it's true! You are dressed like an idiot! I mean, more than usual! Zoom!" Jimmy went.
That's when his bartender, Trev, entered and saw Bob. He smiled.
"Cool Captain Falcon costume." He said.
"Thanks." Bob said, smiling. "At least someone gets it."
Linda rolled her eyes.
"Where'd you get it? Trev asked.
"Some college guys made it for me." Bob explained.
"They even got his shoulder pad right." Trev said. "That's some attention to detail."
Jimmy Pest was getting annoyed.
"Hey… I said Zoom!" Jimmy said.
"Huh… oh, uh… ha… yeah." Trev said, half-assed.
Jimmy Pesto glared.
"Traitor…" He groaned.
"Look, I'm sorry man… it's a cool outfit."
"Yeah, it's a cool outfit, Jimmy Pesto!"
"Eh…" The Belcher kids went.
"Shush." Bob went.
"Okay… serious, Bob? What's your obsession with this Sergeant Pigeon guy?"
"CAPTAIN FALCON!" Bob and Trev shout at the same time.
"He drives super fast racecars that hover, and he's a bounty hunter in one magazine and an anime! And he's the best fighter in an awesome fighting game!" Bob shouted.
"Fighting? Ha!" Jimmy Pesto went. "You couldn't fight out of a bag, Bob! You'd be too busy using it to hide that ugly face! Ha! You're dumb!"
"Captain Falcon is not dumb, Jimmy Pesto!" Bob shouted.
"Oh really?" Jimmy Pesto questioned. "Let's see how tough he is." He did a 'come at me' motion with his hand. "Come on, tough guy, let's see what you got."
"Oh, really, Jimmy Pesto? You want to do this?" Bob asked, not liking the challenge.
"Come on out, give it a go!" Jimmy challenged.
Linda got in Bob's way, trying to hold him back.
"Bob, please don't go out, tryin' ta have another one of your peeing races as General Birdy!" Linda begged.
"First off, they're called pissing matches, Linda." Bob said.
"Still annoyed you got me kicked out of that club for calling them that!" Jimmy yelled at Linda.
"Also, as it's been repeated numerous times… it's CAPTAIN FALCON!" Bob insisted.
"Okay, I-"
"Say it!" Bob demanded.
"Okay… uh… Command-" Bob shook his head at that. "Co- Uh… Cap-Captain?"
"Captain what, Linda?" Bob demanded her to finish.
"Uh…" Linda rolled her eyes. "Kids?"
Tina was about to speak up, but Louse was enjoying this too much and stopped her.
"Not so fast, this is too good…" She said with a naughty little smile.
"Uh… T-Teddy?"
"I uh…" Teddy darted his eyes. "I'd love to but uh…" He stuffed his fries into his mouth, preventing him from speaking.
"Uh… Hugo?"
"Leave me out of this." Hugo said.
"I could tell you-"
"Ron!" Hugo shouted at him.
Linda looked around and saw Mort was at the door.
"Mort! Tell me, do you-" Mort got one good look at Bob in the costume and left. This left Linda with nobody to help her. "Aww nuts."
"Okay… hint, Linda. It's a bird that's name starts with an F."
"Captain… Pheasant?"
"That starts with a P H, Linda." Bob said.
"No it doesn't." She said.
"Yeah it does." Tina went.
"It doesn't, Linda." Teddy said.
"I-It does?"
"Yes." Hugo said
"Like the word phantom." Jimmy Pesto said.
"Phantom doesn't start with an F?" Linda asked, sounding genuinely in shock.
"Oh my god…" Bob muttered.
"Wait, what other words don't start with F? Does fries start with an F?" Linda asked.
"Linda, you see that sign every day, on the wall, you know that." Bob said.
"Oh yeah… uh… phone? How about phone?"
"You don't know?" Hugo asked. "I'm starting to think I dodged a bullet." He whispered to Ron.
"We're going off topic, Linda." Bob said.
"What?"
"Bird that has a name that starts with an F." He reminds her.
"Right… uh… Flamingo!" She went with a guess.
"Oh my god…" Bob went.
"What?"
"Mom, Dad doesn't look like a flamingo." Tina said.
"Yes he does!" Gene went for no reason.
"Falcon, Linda! It's Falcon! So say it!" Bob went.
"Okay.. uh… Command-"
"Captain!"
"Alright… uh, Captain… what was it again?"
"Oh my-"
"FALCON! LINDA!" Jimmy Pesto, having lost his patience with this, shouted. "CAPTAIN FALCON! I don't even care and even I remember two words like those!"
"Okay! Sheesh! Captain Falcon!" Linda went.
"THERE! FINALLY!" Bob went.
"So, can we get back to what we were doing?" Jimmy asked.
"Right! Wait, I got distracted by Linda not remembering two very easy to remember words…" Bob said.
"Watch it, Bob…" Linda warned.
"What were we doing?" Bob asked.
"FIGHTING!" Jimmy Pesto shouted as he pointed outside.
"Oh… right…" Bob said.
"Let's do this!" Jimmy Pesto said gleefully.
"I'm coming, Pesto!" Bob said as he headed out the door.
Hugo chuckled.
"I gotta see this…" He said, being petty.
"What about the surprise inspection?" Ron asked.
"That was just to mess with Bob, this oughta be funnier." Hugo said. "Let's go." He said, walking to the door.
"Bob, don't!" Linda said.
"Oh-hoho… I gotta see this." Louise said, heading to the door.
"Dad's about to be killed by Jimmy Pesto?" Tina asks.
"Dibs on Dad's underwear!" Gene went.
Outside the restaurant, Bob faced his nemesis on the sidewalk as Jimmy Pesto stood still, mocking Bob still.
"Come on, let's see what you got if you think you're so tough now…" Jimmy said.
"Gladly!" Bob went as he adjusted his helmet. "Because I'm Captain Falcon and you're Black Shadow. I'll punch you so hard you can't escape the Dark Matter Explosion, even though clearly it already exploded so that bigger explosion had to be Falcon's doing!"
"Exactly!" Trev went. "That proves Cap was just that awesome! Finally! Someone gets it!"
"Trev!" Jimmy Pesto snapped. "Not now!"
Trev raised his hands up in defense.
"Sorry, Jimmy."
"Now let's get this over with…" Jimmy said.
"Gladly, Jimmy!" Bob went.
Soon, the rest of the Belcher family, the patrons, and the inspectors were outside, watching this.
"Go Dad!" Tina went.
"This trainwreck's gonna rule!" Louise went.
"Use your power to hump him into an explosion!" Gene went.
"Gene!" Bob went.
"Come on, Crap-ton Fal-dumb!" Jimmy Pesto went.
"That didn't even make sense!" Bob went.
"YOU don't make sense!" Jimmy Pesto went.
"No! YOU don't make sense!"
"Use your iconic move!" Trev went.
"What move? I don't have one." Jimmy Pesto went.
"I was talking to Captain Falcon." Trev said.
"He's not a captain!" Jimmy snapped.
"Yeah… my move…" Bob said.
He rose a fist.
He took a step forward.
"Falcon Punch!" Bob went, swinging his fist at Pesto's chest.
Nothing happened.
"That's it?" Jimmy Pesto scoffed.
"Wait… I need to… shout it right." Bob stepped back. "Okay…" He took a breath and rose his fist back. "FALCON…" He took a knee and threw his fist. "PUNCH!"
It only made Jimmy step back a bit.
"Okay… that hurt a little, but that's it…" Jimmy said.
"Oh, come on!" Bob went.
"Bob, knock it off…" Linda said.
"Yeah Dad, stop pretending to be a character from a Japanese video game." Louise said.
"Try a Brazilian video game!" Gene went.
As Bob rolled his eyes, hearing that gave him an idea.
"Japanese… that's it!" Bob said. "Captain Falcon is voiced by a Japanese man and uses broken English so… I gotta do the same."
"Like you're not broken already…" Jimmy snarked.
"Ha!" Hugo went with a rude smile. "Come on! Everyone laugh at that!" He shouted, though nobody did so, much to his annoyance. "Come on! Anyone?!"
"Okay… here we go…" Bob said.
Pesto only laughed.
"Bob, stop…" Linda begged.
"He's gotta do this, Linda." Teddy said. "In order for him to stop living this fantasy…"
Bob took in some air, pulled his fist back and stepped forward.
"FALC-OWN…" He took a knee and swung his fist into Pesto's stomach. "PAWNCH!"
The moment it made impact with Pesto, a bird-shaped explosion happened.
One that sent Pesto flying backwards, into the door of his own restaurant. The impact causes glass to crack.
"AUGH!" He went, sliding down the door and propped against it from the bottom.
Suddenly, there was a long silence as everyone, even Bob, just watched in stunned shock at what had happened.
How Bob somehow performed a real life Falcon Punch.
It finally dawned on Trev what just happened.
"Jimmy!" He ran across the street to try and help his boss up. "Jimmy?! You okay?"
Pesto ignored him and just glared at Bob.
"Bob! You maniac! Wha- AGH!" Pesto clutched to his side, which was still in a great amount of pain. "What was that?!"
"The Falcon Punch…" Trev said in awe. "He did it…"
"Shut up and get me inside!" Jimmy ordered.
"But, you need to see a doctor…" Trev said.
"No, I need to make sure Jimmy Jr. isn't dancing and the twins aren't holding hands again…" Jimmy ordered.
"I'm not so sure if-"
"Hey Bob!" Pesto shouted, ignoring Trev. "You're still du- ARGH!" His jab was cancelled by his pain. "It hurts…"
"Hospital, Dude. You might have internal injuries…" Trev said.
"INSIDE! NOW!" Pesto ordered.
Trev groaned and did as his boss ordered, carrying him since Pesto was too injured to even walk.
Once his door closed, Bob looked to his fist.
He stared at it even as he stood straight.
He stared at what he just did.
He just performed a real life Falcon Punch and sent his most hated nemesis flying into his building's door, leaving cracks in the glass.
"This… power…" Bob said. He clenched his fist and smiled. "It's incredible!"
Everyone else was still staring with jaws dropped.
Hugo rubbed his eyes to make sure that what he saw was real.
He then took a step back and tugged Ron's arm.
"Let's go, Ron…"
"What about the inspect-"
"LET'S GO!" Hugo ordered as he ran to the van, opening the passenger side door and locking it once he's inside. He was annoyed Ron was just calmly walking. "HURRY UP ALREADY!"
Ron got into the driver's seat and the two began driving away.
Meanwhile, Bob turned around and everyone took a step back.
Feeling the rush of power, he looked at everyone.
"Kids… clean up after the customers. And tonight, clean your rooms."
"YES!" The kids went, straightening their backs.
"Linda… I'm keeping this on for the rest of the day." Bob said.
"Of course!" Linda said, clearing her throat.
Bob decided to head back inside the restaurant as Teddy approached him.
"Looking for a sidekick, Bobby?"
"Sorry, Teddy. But only one who can surpass Falcon can become Falcon… you're not the one." Bob said.
"That's fair…"
Linda decided to sing a tone-deaf rendition of There She Is.
"Here he is, the Captain Falcon, he's-"
"Linda." Bob said.
Linda flinched.
"Yes?"
"I appreciate you got the name right… but we're listening only to the Meaning of Truth today…"
For the rest of the day, much to Linda's displeasure, Bob played The Meaning of Truth on his computer in the kitchen all day.
Bob didn't mind if she was against it because he felt like he became something amazing today.
Today…
Bob Belcher is Captain Falcon.
I just drew Bob Belcher wearing Captain Falcon's helmet.
Then this sprung up.
I thought it was funny. :)