Spare me your judgements and spare me your dreams,
'Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams,
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind,
Kate doesn't know what the Gecko brothers see when they look at her. She can't quite name what she sees in their eyes. There is pity, and sadness. There is fear, and anger. They look at her as if she is a broken salvation. A little girl and something ancient. She feels ancient. She feels angry, scared, pitiful, and distraught. She feels broken.
She's sitting on the floor of what used to be Malvado's office. Richie and Seth have cleaned the place out and have spoken about renovating it into something different. Something better. The space is stark and empty. She sits on the floor, her legs crossed and her palms resting on her knees.
Kate feels like this room. Empty and haunted and like everyone wants to make her something better. Something different.
Her hair is still red but her eyes aren't. Her skin is pale. She stares at nothing as her mind reminds her of the places she's seen and the lives she's taken.
Richie steps into the room and she knows he's there but nothing changes. Her eyes don't move, she doesn't glance his way or call out a greeting. She stays perfectly and utterly still as she tries to hold her pieces together. As she tries not to let her broken shards shatter on this stone floor.
She has felt his guilt and his anger. She can feel his want. He wants her to be okay, to be Kate Fuller. He wants things to be good. For them to be happy.
The youngest Gecko brother only looks at her, hope and despair fighting behind his blue eyes.
After ending Amaru and escaping Xibalba, Richie knew that things would be different. He hadn't expected them to be this different, though.
He can't help but watch Kate, day-in and day-out. It is a slow change at first, then it happens all at once. She doesn't speak, she doesn't touch anyone, and she doesn't let them touch her.
Richie can remember what it was like when Amaru touched him, when she touched his soul.
He has not let go of his guilt for what happened at the blood well. He has not let go of his guilt for what he did to her family, for making them stay at the Twister. He and Seth don't talk about it but they know that this is their fault.
Richie finds Kate in Malvado's old office. He has no idea if she knows he's there or not because nothing changes. She looks like she's meditating, except for the emptiness of her. And not just her expression. He has sensed her changing, falling apart and disappearing.
She's deathly still, like a snake waiting to strike or a large cat hunting prey. Both images fit. Her eyes are dead and empty.
He wants to fix this, to make her happy again, to make her alive. But he doesn't know if he can. He doesn't know if she will let him.
Alone in the wind and the rain you left me,
It's getting dark darling, too dark to see,
And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems,
Seth finds her this time. She's out in the desert and she can feel the chill but it's only a secondary or tertiary thing. She can feel the clouds over head boiling with rage as they beg to be set free.
Or maybe that's her.
She's sitting cross-legged again, hands resting on her knees as she stares at the desert and sees nothing that's really there. She remembers another desert night when he walked away from her instead of towards her.
It was cloudless and there was no wind blowing that night but it doesn't seem to make much difference to her memory.
She's far enough away from their bar that she knows Seth is angry because he'd experienced a moment of panic at her disappearance. She wonders if Richie told him which direction to go, or if it was someone else.
Kate had walked out the back door and kept walking until she knew she was alone. Completely and utterly alone. Her eyes hold no recognition, though her heart does, as Seth drops to his knees in front of her. He doesn't say a word as she looks at him blankly, silently begging for his help without him ever knowing that's what she needed.
When Seth realizes she's gone, his heart stops for a moment before lurching behind his ribcage and then it is racing. He asks everyone if they've seen her and none of them have. Richie finally points him in the right direction and he wonders why his brother didn't follow her when she left. But he doesn't ask.
He walks for what feels like hours but isn't even one. He spots her easily, her pale skin and bright hair like a neon sign in the dark.
The desert is cold and the wind is picking up, pulling at his clothes and whipping her hair around. The clouds are black and purple and blue and ominous.
When Kate's eyes meet his he can almost feel her desperation despite her emptiness. He falls to his knees in front of her as he's reminded that he abandoned her. He left her alone in the middle of the night, in a strange country where she knew no one and didn't speak the language.
He played an explicit part in her brokenness.
He couldn't say anything as he knelt in front of her, the only thing he'd ever had faith in during his long life. And he'd done this.
Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown,
I know you have felt much more love than you've shown,
And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest,
They're huddled together, all of them, when she walks in the front door. Freddie, Seth, Richie, Scott, and Kisa. They've got papers spread over the table and weapons on hand.
Their eyes all turn to her with varying degrees of disbelief and relief.
"Where have you been?" Seth asks angrily and it's the first time any of them have spoken to her and expected a response. Wanted a response.
She can't help it. She laughs. It's bitter and grating and mean. She sees Richie and Scott flinch in recognition and feels satisfaction.
"We were worried about you." Freddie says calmly and she can only hum in response.
"We worry because we love you." Scott says, flinching again as her eyes turn sharp on him.
"There's no love left." She tells him, speaking up and reminding him and Richie at the same time of why she is who she is now.
The emptiness floods her before she can latch onto the feeling that had started to grow in her chest. She can't tell if it was anger or sadness or what. It was only a spark, and barely that.
Richie hears her before anyone else. His eyes land on the front door as she walks inside.
Despite being gone for almost three weeks, she looks the same. Desolate and hollow.
"Where have you been?" Seth asks angrily, the first to speak. Richie watches her look at him, her eyes never brightening, and her face remaining impassive.
She laughs suddenly and it's uncomfortable because she's blank. It's strange and painful to see. She sounds callous and vicious.
Richie flinches, feeling Scott do the same and he sees satisfaction gleam in her eye for just a second. It's how she sounded before she died. When she cursed him to hell.
"We were worried about you." Freddie says calmly and she hums but otherwise doesn't acknowledge the statement.
"We worry because we love you." Scott says, flinching again as her eyes turn sharp on him and Richie nearly wants to shield the boy from what comes next.
"There's no love left." She tells her brother, speaking up and reminding all three of them about the blood well, as if they ever forget, for even a second.
Her face goes empty again and she turns and walks away.
Seth's relief is short-lived as his anger takes over. Everything he feels usually turns to anger of one kind or another.
"Where have you been?" He asks her in a harsh tone.
When she laughs he feels Richie flinch but doesn't look away. She's Kate, but she's not. She's barely a ghost. A shadow. Her laugh is harsh and stops as suddenly as it starts. Something lights up her eyes for a moment but it's too fast for him to catch.
"We were worried about you." Freddie tells her and she makes a light noise as if she's being polite.
"We worry because we love you." Scott speaks up and she turns on him, her eyes looking dangerous.
"There's no love left." Her brother and Richie both flinch and he wonders what that's about but now isn't the time.
Before anyone can speak up again, she's gone, walking away and not looking back. He feels like he's losing something he never even had.
But plant your hope with good seeds,
Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds,
Rain down, rain down on me,
Richie finds her on his own again as she's sitting on the floor of Malvado's office. She knows he's there but he doesn't move in front of her, doesn't speak. She wonders what he's scared she'll see in his eyes. She wonders if he still feels anything after her throwing his feelings back in his face so many times.
Kate can't stop the flinch when he goes to his knees behind her. But he doesn't stop this time. He moves in close, sitting fully and putting his legs on either side of her as he wraps his arms around her.
Stiffly, she tries to pull away. She's kept them so far away from her. No one touches her, ever. But Richie doesn't budge and she can feel something crack and start to crumble before it shatters completely and she takes a deep breath and lets it all out at once. She screams.
She screams loud and long, letting out the pain that she didn't know was there. Her screams fill the room and echo off the walls and ceiling. They burn her throat and she can feel wetness on her face and her neck. Her sobs wrack her body so hard that it takes her a while to realize that Richie is crying, too.
His arms are wrapped around her, his face is buried in her neck, and his body shakes with tears of pain and anger. She drops her head back onto his chest, nearly on his shoulder, as the sobs lessen.
Kate can feel the remnants of something primeval crumble into dust inside of her.
The next time Richie finds her, he has a plan. Sort of. She works so hard to stay away from everyone, to keep them from touching her. And they let her.
None of them really speak to her. They ask how she is and hope she says fine so they can continue on the way they've been. They ask if she needs anything and she says no and they leave it at that.
But Richie knows that's not what she needs. Even if it might be what she wants. Somehow, he doubts that, though.
She's sitting in her typical pose, like she's meditating, and instead of just watching, he approaches her. He wraps her in his arms, hugging her close.
Richie can feel it when something in her finally lets go and she screams. A bone-chilling, bloody-murder scream of absolute pain and suffering. Of terror and loneliness. She screams like a wounded and dying animal.
Kate's screams turn to sobs and he doesn't realize that he's crying with her until she drops her head back against him and her hands come up to hold his arms against her instead of trying to pry them away. Her sobs have lessened and his tears have almost stopped as she falls limps against him.
Tears slip silently down both of their faces as they just breathe.
Look over your hills and be still,
The sky above us shoots to kill,
But I will hold on, I will hold on hope,
Seth finds her crumpled on the floor, Richie sitting near her silently and brushing his fingers through her hair. The eldest Gecko stops in his tracks at the scene before him.
He looks hopeful and Kate wonders how messed up everything must have been for him to find her brokenness a good sign. A hopeful sign.
She knows her eyes are a washed out green and her skin is pale. Her hair is limp and lifeless, much like she feels.
Everything inside of her has been torn to shreds and destroyed. Everything she ever was is in tatters.
But she can feel something else, and that must be what Seth sees. She can feel something new building up a foundation inside of her.
A foundation of concrete and rebar rather than sand that is easily overtaken and washed away.
Seth sits down on the other side of her and reaches forward. Her hand is on the floor, palm down on the concrete. His fingertips graze hers and she doesn't twitch, doesn't pull away. She's too broken to move but she doesn't think she'd even try anyway.
His fingers move over hers and grip her hand tightly as he exhales in relief.
Seth is looking for his brother when he finds both Richie and Kate. She's laying on the floor, her body curled on its side, as Richie plays with her hair. Her hand is on the floor, limp and lifeless, but she's breathing shallowly.
He feels a hope that he thought was long dead begin to rise in his chest when she looks at him. Her eyes are red-rimmed and the green is dull, but she's not blank.
Slowly, Seth moves forward and sits down in front of her, Richie still at her back, playing with her hair. He puts his hand on the floor and inches it forward to graze her fingertips. She doesn't move and he feels relief as he grips her hand in his, squeezing her hand and thanking a god he doesn't believe in.
He feels the sting of tears gather in his eyes but he doesn't let them fall as he looks at his brother and the girl lying broken between them.
That budding hope ignites.
I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones,
Let the dead bury their dead, they will come out in droves,
But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made,
She's trying to fix herself from the ground up. Trying to rebuild.
She'd tried to do it alone at first, then tried not to do it at all. She'd tried to keep her crumbling pieces together with scotch tape and glue. The pieces were decayed and rotten, though, and nothing could keep them together.
Now, she is a mess. She's in pieces and missing large portions, but she's rebuilding.
Richie has carved a new place for himself instead of trying to fill the old one.
Seth is doing much the same.
Scott is helping her rebuild her foundation.
They'd all carved pieces out of her. Made room for themselves and taken parts of her away. Now, they are adding pieces of themselves.
Richie knows it's not over with. He knows they have a long road to travel. But they are traveling it and that's what matters.
Kate is no longer empty and falling apart.
She is far from whole and functioning. She is silent for long stretches and flinches when someone other than a Gecko or Fuller touches her. Her eyes stare off into space, seeing things he can only guess at.
But Kate is no longer shattering. She is shattered and crumbled and broken. She is putting herself back together.
Seth can feel the long stretch ahead like a looming thing in the back of his mind. It gets closer every time she fades out in the middle of conversation or when a stranger glances too long at the scars.
But he's ready for the long stretch they have to travel. He's fine walking this road with Kate Fuller. He has no problem lending her a place to lean when she feels like she can't travel down it any farther.
He is there to show her that the end is in sight. She is healing and she will be whole again.