Chapter Fifteen
Meg silently observed as their luggage was loaded onto the train. She had been reluctant leave their little paradise because that was what this place had become to her, paradise. The climate and natural beauty was not something she was likely to ever forget. Tatiana insisted they would travel to Saint Petersburg for the winter and return in the summer. She wanted to believe they would be back in the summer, however, it seemed unlikely.
Her mother persistently claimed they could not remain as guests forever, yet every time she would declare their departure something changed her mind, or rather someone.
She was not so much of a fool that she did not see the romantic relationship between her mother and Monsieur Alexandrov. She had seen many telling glances between them and despite her mother refusing to discuss the subject; Meg knew her mother was in love.
At first the idea of her mother, the strict and disciplined Madame Giry, in love had seemed incomprehensible. Yet it was true, the truth was before her very eyes. Her mother's demeanor had changed. She appeared youthful, not so stern, and even smiled regularly when she was in the presence of the older Prince.
It seemed everyone knew about their little romance but discreetly turned a blind eye.
She could not begrudge her mother for her little romance. It was simply a difficult thing to accept. There were more questions than answers and despite her best to discover more, she was still very much in the dark as to the circumstances surrounding the origin of their romance.
Her thoughts were forgotten as she noticed everyone approaching the train. Her mother walked towards her and took her arm. Always so protective... she thought with a hint of resentment. Nicholas and Erik walked alongside Tatiana who looked stunning as usual. She noted several men cast approving glances at her as she walked past them. Even casually dressed she managed to attract the admiration of everyone around her.
She could not understand how such a beautiful girl with the world at her feet, could always appear so sad. Tatiana had the most striking aqua colored eyes she had ever seen on any person, man or woman. The sadness reflected in them only intensified their beauty, in her opinion. Her coloring was also unusually attractive. Rather than posses the pale skin so sought after by aristocrats, her skin had a lovely olive tone which contrasted beautifully with her dark hair. She could not deny she was very envious of her, especially of her height. Tatiana's long legs would have been ideal for dancing. Looking down at her short stature she shrugged. She had done well enough with what the lord gave her.
Erik gave a slight nod in acknowledgement as he walked passed her, which she politely returned. It was strange to think of the man before her as simply Erik. His previous identity was very present in her mind. So much so she doubted she would ever feel genuinely comfortable around him. Perhaps sensing her apprehension he kept a respectable distance, and she was shamefully thankful for it.
Erik pretended to read the book on his lap as he discreetly watched Meg take a seat beside Tatiana. There was rarely a time when those two were not together, very much like their parents. His gaze traveled to where Madame Giry and Nicholas were sitting. They were casually conversing in a manner that at glance appeared insignificant. Unless one was to note how Nicholas gazed at his companion as though all the wonders of the world could be discovered in her features.
Had he possessed the same hopeless expression when gazing upon Christine? He frowned at the thought. How easily men lost themselves when besotted with a pretty face. Inadvertently his gaze returned to Tatiana.
Erik watched out of the corner of his eye as Tatiana continued to look out her window. She had been unusually silent during their journey. He suspected the cause for her bothered expression. Her desire for a divorce was being met with unyielding results. Her estranged husband not surprisingly adamantly refused.
'He will fight to keep her,' Nicholas had bemoaned during one of their discussions over the matter. He could not pretend to blame the absent Count. He glanced again at her silent silhouette. She was very wealthy and unquestionably beautiful. Yet beyond her external loveliness lay her unique personality. It was not difficult to fall under charm; the difficulty lay in discovering the personality under the layers of armor she stubbornly refused to shed.
Despite his limited experience with woman, he found her forwardness somewhat disquieting yet alluring all the same. Granted, at first he had been taken aback by her candid nature. What he had first mistaken as vulgar he now accepted as component of her diverse personality.
He wondered if Saint Petersburg society would prove to be just as distinct. He could not deny his apprehension at the idea of being immersed in society. He struggled interacting with persons on an individual basis; he could foresee his attempts in open social event becoming a humiliating disaster. His reservations had been brushed aside by Nicholas's insistence. In order to establish a future in the art world, he had to befriend influential figures. Even he understood the importance of befriending patrons.
Nicholas could only do so much; he had to make certain alliances were cemented in order to secure a position within the art world. His future would depend on those connections. Until he could obtain these connections he would have to refrain from making long term plans. Not that he minded continuing with his current living arrangements, he thought as he continued observing his traveling companions.
Tatiana slowly braided her long silky hair. She had much on her mind, all pertaining to what would occur when they arrived in Saint Petersburg. They were to meet with more legal advisers and the Holy Synod to plead her petition. Her father had explained the only hope for an annulment was for her to prove the marriage was never consummated and reveal the unsavory intimate details she'd rather never discuss with anyone. Unfortunately with Vladimir unwavering stance on the issue of their divorce, she may have no alternative.
Vladimir had sent her a short letter, laced with sarcasm. 'I hope you are enjoying your little adventure. I promise to join you soon and together we shall return home.' Not exactly a threat, unless you read between the lines. He only acknowledged he would be coming for her. The fact that he had stayed away this long was not lost on her. She could speculate as to the reasons for hours on end, yet in the end she would likely only succeed in tormenting herself.
She had sworn she would never return to his side, and it was a vow she intended to maintain.
Having completed braiding her hair she stood from her seat and removed her robe. It had been a long day, and while the journey was being conducted in a comfortable and luxurious manner, she longed for the fresh air and walks along the coast.
She looked at Meg who lay in her bed reading a book in Russian. To her great relief Meg had taken a more serious attitude in attempting to learn the language.
"Tatiana?"
"Yes?" She asked as she climbed into her own bed.
"Do you know what is going on with my mother and your father?"
"Yes." She smiled.
"Can you please explain it to me?"
"They are merely picking up where they left off years ago." Meg closed her eyes and bit her lip before setting the book aside.
"Do you know their full history?"
"I know more than I should, but unlikely all that there is to know about their relationship." She answered frankly.
"Are you going to tell me?"
"No." Meg frowned in her usual childlike manner.
"Do you not think this is something you should be inquiring with your mother?"
"She avoids this conversation."
"She may not be ready to discuss it, but perhaps you should understand, it may be difficult for her to discuss matters of the heart with anyone especially her daughter."
"Your father seems to have had no such reservations."
"My father and I are more forward with one another than most. There were little secrets between us. You are asking me to disclose information he confided to me and I cannot disclose what is not mine to disclose, can you understand?"
"Not exactly," she sunk into the covers, "but I suppose I can't blame you for remaining loyal to your father."
"Thank you, Meg." She turned off the light beside her bed and pulled the covers over herself as she attempted to become comfortable for the evening.
"Tatiana?"
"Yes?" she said as she stretched her legs and arms.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want."
"Just ask."
"Last night I told you who my first kiss was, but you never told me who's yours." She sighed and decided it was only fair she shared intimate memories as Meg had done the previous night.
"I was fifteen, and he was twenty-four." She began remembering the details vividly. "He gave me a simple flower as it was all he could afford at that time," she could still see his smiling eyes as he presented her the humble gift. "As I took the flower from his hand he leaned in and kissed me gently before I had time to react."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"I think I was too surprised and embarrassed at the time, but reflecting on the moment, yes I did enjoy it."
"Is this the same person you wanted to marry?"
"Yes." she answered sadly. "More than anything else in the world."
"You never talk about him, yet I know you still think about him."
"He was a part of my life that is very dear to me. I prefer to keep such memories inside and to myself." She sighed as a familiar twinge formed in her heart. "Some of the most beautiful moments in your life are meant for no one but yourself."
"But it's nice to share some of those moments. Don't you think?"
"Perhaps," she conceded.
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"Two weeks before my marriage."
"Did you care for him?"
"I loved him."
"How do you know if you only cared for him or if you were in love with him?"
"When you love, you love. Your heart will tell you."
"Were you in love?"
"Desperately," she breathed with a profoundness that surprised even her. She had genuinely believed her heart had resigned itself to its solitary fate.
"Is he the reason why you want to get a divorce?"
"No."
"Then why-."
"There are circumstances aside from the desire to be with another person which can motivate a person to seek separation from their spouse."
"I've never met a divorcee."
"Neither have I." She confessed.
"If it will make you happy, then I do hope you are granted your divorce."
"Thank you Meg."
"You're happy."
Antoinette looked up from her embroidery to meet Erik amused gaze.
"Is that a question?"
"An observation," he remarked casually as he sat across the small table.
"I have no reason to be unhappy." She declared in a vain attempt to detour his light probing.
"Don't play coy with me Antoinette." He scolded. "I'm hardly reprimanding you for your new found happiness."
"Your tone says differently." She raised an eyebrow in a silent challenge.
"Light teasing is hardly reprimanding." He smiled lightly. "Nicholas is a good man; I do not believe you could have found a better partner. I'm genuinely happy for you."
"You are speaking as though I'm marrying the man." She continued her embroidering.
"Are you not?" The question took her by surprise she accidently pricked her finger. She hissed in pain as she brought up the wound to her lips.
"Here," Erik gently handed her his hanker shift. "I did not intend to startle you."
"Thank you." She applied pressure to her finger. "I must appear foolish."
"Hardly." He remarked with light mirth reflected in his eyes. "My amusement is not because of the emotions you are experiencing but the resulting behavior because of said emotions. You act as though there is shame to be found in love."
"It is hardly decent for a woman of my age to be indulging in such things." She whispered. "I know there is no shame in love, but look at me Erik." She shrugged lightly. "I'm old enough to be a grandmother."
"You are still young Antoinette."
"It is difficult to call oneself young when their child is nearly fully grown."
"Your daughter is fully grown," She raised her eyebrow, "perhaps slightly immature." He conceded.
"Meg's immature nature is partially my fault for sheltering her, however her disposition towards life has always been far too optimistic and trusting."
"You cannot shelter her forever." Erik sighed. "There are certain lessons we must endure, otherwise how are we to learn?"
"Speaking from experience?"
"Partially."
"You have learned more than your share of hard lessons." She reflected as he looked out the window. "Although, I do not pretend the understand the ways of God, perhaps this was his way of guiding you to self reflection-"
Erik laughed derisively.
"Honestly Erik is it so difficult to have a little faith."
"Just because others believe in a invisible being," Erik declared with a hint of anger in his gaze, "does not mean I am to be equally gullible."
"It is not foolish to believe in a higher power."
"Ah, yes." He leaned back into his chair. "A higher power who despite nearly always ignoring everyone's plights has somehow earned their unfaltering reverence." he mocked, "Does sound a little foolish does it not?"
"Faith is sacred to many, Erik." She sighed in exasperation. Despite her attempts to introduce him to faith, he had balked at her efforts. One more than one occasion she had wondered if perhaps a little faith would have benefitted him, especially during his darker moments.
"Let us cease this useless conversation."
"Always so eloquent."
He merely smiled.
"Very well, I've indulged you," she gave him a knowing glance, "I have noticed you spending a significant amount of time with Tatiana lately." His eyes narrowed and she knew she had struck a nerve.
"Ask your question already," he glared, "I'm well aware of that tone of yours."
"I was merely stating an observation," she replied innocently.
"Doubtful."
"Oh, I'm very pleased to see you two getting along."
"We have an understanding." She frowned at his cryptic words. "You can rest whatever dubious thoughts are formulating in your head."
"You are young and it is only natural to find a beautiful young woman appealing-."
"She is young, and she is beautiful however do not mistake my intentions."
"Enlighten me then, what are your intentions?"
"To live another day and attempt to move forward from the disaster that is my past."
"Erik-."
"I don't want nor need your pity. You asked a question and I answered truthfully. I'm sure you would like to imagine a more entertaining scenario in your mind where I somehow fall under the charms of a woman again and live out my reminder of my life in bliss."He gave a low laugh. "I do hate to shatter your hopeful illusions; however, I have no such inclination as far as Tatiana is concern. I do hope you accept my answer and cease to bring up this matter again."
"I did not mean to insult you."
"She is a lady; to even contemplate such ideas is more insulting to her than me." She bowed her head as Erik scolded her. She could not fault him, his words held merit.
"Forgive me Erik. You are right; I do not know what has gotten into me lately. I suppose a small part of me, simply hoped you had found someone to help you forget Christine."
"I'll never forget her. All I had, I gave to her."
"We are able to love more than once in our lives." She urged gently, aware she was walking on a very thin and volatile line.
"Perhaps," he mused sadly, "but even if I could find it in me to love another, it would likely yield the same results before."
"Don't say that Erik."
"I merely speak the truth. Look at me Antoinette. I've resolved myself to the fact I'll likely live out my existence alone, and oddly enough, I'm content."
"You will one day find someone, and believe me when I tell you, it will be when you least expect it."
A/N: Thank you everyone for your review and personal messages. Much appreciated and motivating. I do not expect to have many people reading this story, but to know there are people reading and enjoying it, is so very rewarding.