Chapter Twenty

Tatiana stood before her bedroom window, observing as the snow continued to descend on the city. The weather had cooled considerably over the past several days. Although, the layer of snow that had befallen the city added a certain whimsical beauty to her surroundings, she realized not everyone appreciated their chiller weather.

Madame Giry and Meg had taken to remaining indoors rather than venturing out. Unaccustomed to the extreme cold, they preferred to remain indoors near the fireplaces. Her father appeared to prefer remaining indoors if only to be beside his most special guest. A small grin formed as she thought of her father's courtship. Granted, he had never made any secret of his intentions, yet his pursuit had become less subtle.

It never ceased to amaze her how one person could be so utterly affected by another's presence it literally brighten their entire façade. Despite Madame Giry's best attempts at masking her emotions, it was difficult to ignore the adoring glances she would bequeath to her enamored pursuer.

If anyone deserved to find happiness together it was Madame Giry and her father. A small smile touched her lips as she imagined two finding that happiness at last in the autumn of her their lives.

"Do you care to share what you find so amusing?" Startled, she turned to see Erik standing behind her.

"For the love-"she fumed, "How can you always sneak up on me without making a sound."

"An acquired talent," he shrugged innocently, "one I have perfected."

"I doubt you would not be as amused if I had startled you."

"A very unlikely event," he smirked, "now, dare I inquire what had you so amused?"

"You have no idea what talents I have hiding up my sleeve," he raised an elegant eyebrow as he appeared to restrain an amused smirk, "as for my thoughts, well I was merely thinking of father's courtship of Madame Giry."

"I do not doubt you have many talents up your sleeve," he gave a bemused smile; "however I doubt you will be able to take me off guard."

"I suppose I shall just have to prove you wrong."

She could not help but notice the small lines that appeared around his eyes as he smiled. He has a beautiful smile, she noted. It was a stark contrast to his usual melancholic expression.

"You approve of your father's intentions?"

"I wish to see him happy. If anyone deserves to be happy, it is he."

"What of yourself?"

"I'm content."

"Are you really?"

"A year ago, I dreamed of returning home. I would look towards the north and vividly imagine the household staff going about with their daily duties as my father silently worked in his study." She gave him a small smile. "There is no need to imagine anymore." She motioned at her surroundings. "For I am where I always longed to be."

"I do not doubt you are content to be here, but are you genuinely happy?"

Was she happy? She thought back to the last several months. She felt secure and surrounded by a warm atmosphere she had not experienced since her marriage. Yet despite the warmth offered by those around her, she could not deny her own sentiments were far from ideal. Concern over the future and lament over the past, were very much her present. Even she could concede her sentiments were far from joyous.

"No, I suppose I'm not." She admitted as she turned to his understanding gaze. "Dare I ask the same question of you?"

"I do not know what happiness is," her gaze softened at his words, "yet I can honestly declare, I've never felt as appeased as I have these last few weeks."

"Perhaps it's a start to a more gratified life."

"I do believe you may be correct." He smiled and for a moment, she could have sworn she saw a hint of genuine glee in his eyes.

Meg pulled her shawl over shoulders as she settled before the fireplace in her bedroom. The weather had taken a sharp turn from lovely to downright, frigid. Nicholas claimed it would become colder still and she frankly did not believe she would survive if his words proved true.

Her ill mood was not only hampered by the dismal weather but by the lack of companionship. Tatiana had remained distant. Although, they dined together daily, she never approached her beyond a formal greeting. Her distancing hurt almost as much as her own guilt.

She could acknowledge to herself Tatiana had made fair points, yet in the end it did not matter whether or not Tatiana had been correct or not. Tatiana had not deserved to be attacked. Shamed by her childish and spiteful words, she had lacked the courage to seek forgiveness.

Without Tatiana as a regular companion she had been forced to vie for her mother's attentions, which was currently no easy feat.

At least the help had been receptive to her tentative overtures at establishing conversation. Although she understood some Russian, it was hardly enough hold an effective conversation. Fortunately, some of the house staff were fluent in French and more often than not she would summon one of them when she required anything.

She looked into the fire and wondered if it had begun to snow in Paris. The winters in Paris had always seemed warmer and festive. Even when they lacked money to buy gifts, she and Christine would venture into the stores and admire all the lovely trinkets which seemed far out of their reach. Glancing around at the splendor around her she noted with some sadness, the entire splendor in the world was hardly satisfying when it was experienced alone.

"I wish you were here Christine." She mumbled sadly as she retreated to her childhood memories for warmth.

Antoinette's eyes narrowed as the flirtatious maid appeared particularly attentive to Erik as she served them their tea. It was not the first time she had noticed the girl overstepping her place. Nicholas has laughed off her concerns claiming the attentions would help Erik's confidence. She failed to understand the humor in the situation.

Erik's wounds were still fresh. She would not have him falsely illusioned, only to be maliciously jilted. One's heart could only tolerate so much, yet Erik had endured more than his share of disappointments. Her concern lay chiefly on the fragile state of his mind as much as his heart.

She was well aware of Erik's limited interactions with women. As a youth, she had watched him gaze at many ballerinas from afar. Discreetly from the shadows, always refraining from approaching them, yet the longing in his eyes remained.

Whether out of respect or embarrassment, he never attempted to discuss the fairer sex with her. Uncomfortable with the prospect of having to discuss the physical dynamics of intimacy between the sexes, she had welcomed his silence on the matter. Only now did she come to understand how much hindering she had inadvertently caused by her

"You may leave." She snapped at the maid. The young girls smile faded as she quickly retreated from the room.

"You were a slightly harsh with her don't you think?" Erik reached for his cup.

"She was a little fresh don't you think?" she raised a challenging eyebrow.

"I find her attentive." He stated dismissively as he met her unwavering stare.

"I'm sure you do."

"I do not appreciate your accusatory tone."

"Erik, I wish for you to be cautious."

"You care to elaborate?"

"In regards to women." He mouth parted slightly as his eyebrows came together in confusion. "Do not allow yourself to lead astray by a flattering glance."

"You are serious." .

"Very."

"My dear Antoinette, you may not be aware however, this," he motioned to his face, "has hindered my life considerably especially in regards to the fairer sex."

"Hold your sarcastic tongue for someone else," she warned, "I speak frankly with you because it has not escaped my notice how forward some of the maids have been behaving towards you. You may find it hard to believe or accept, yet I tell you this as a woman not your friend. Despite your belief your physical affliction has rendered you unattractive, in actuality you are a very handsome man."

"You will understand my skepticism at your words."

"As you will understand I would never mock or deceive you." She noted his frown as he looked away. It was not difficult to understand his reluctance to accept her words. "You have more qualities than you are willing to give yourself credit for."

"One maid's flattery, genuine or not should hardly be cause for you to become concerned." He declared after a long pause. "I cannot help but think there is more to this matter."

"We are both adults, and I believe we have enough trust between us to be forward, would you not agree?"

He raised a dubious eyebrow, before slowly nodding his head.

"I realize you are a man who has been sheltered from certain aspects of the world and its vices." She cleared her throat nervously. "And while you have every right to seek certain attentions it is critical you exercise caution and restraint if needed when engaging in physical intima-"

"You cannot seriously be attempting to have this conversation with me." Erik glared as a touch of red began to appear on his exposed cheek.

"Erik, a man has certain-"

"Stop." He warned.

"Natural needs which will stir -"

"Stop!" He slammed his hand on the table.

"Erik!"

"This is hardly a proper conversation to be having!" He hissed.

"It is an overdue conversation."

"According to whom?" He snapped.

"What do you mean?" she frowned at his words.

"Why do you presume I need this moral lesson from you? Do you not trust me to make my own decisions pertaining to my personal life?"

"There is a difference between a personal romantic attachment and physical intimacy."

"I'm well aware."

"You are?" Her mouth opened slightly in awe. "Erik, are you telling me you have –"

"My carnal history is my own."

"Do not be lewd!" She hissed.

"I'm not the one seeking to discuss prurient matters over tea!" She could feel her face coloring considerably.

"I apologize." She looked down at her hands. "I was simply concern about you."

"I appreciate the concern but I can assure you, my virtue requires no protection. If anyone in this table should be concerned about their virtue-"

"Erik!" She stood up from the table unable to suppress her mortified expression."The very suggestion is repugnant!"

"Do sit down Antoinette." He motioned for her to sit. "We both know you would never do anything." He grinned. "At least not without the honors of a wedding band."

"Oh you –"She flung her napkin at him as she walked away, his mocking laughter ringing in her ears.

Nicholas sat besides his daughter in the ballroom. He had asked her to join him to discuss preparations for their annual ball. As she had been unable to assist for the previous two, he was especially keen on making this event particularly memorable.

His only child's perplexing emotional state had not gone unnoticed. He had believed after a few weeks of respite, her spirits would return. Unfortunately, time had not yielded the desired results. Her silent and reflective demeanor was a stark contrast to the spirited and joyous girl he had raised. It was a bitter reminder of the suffering she had endured during her marriage, and of his failings as a parent.

"How lovely it will be," Tatiana she glanced around the room, "at least I believe it will be."

"I will make sure of it."

"You have never thrown a gathering that was not memorable."

"Yet you seem to recall the last ball you attended with particular fondness."

"It was memorable for many reasons."

"Would one of those reasons be Alexander Orloff?"

"Yes." She gave a small smile.

"You have not inquired about him." He cautiously measured his words. "He has always inquired after you." He felt her tense beside him.

"He did?"

"Often," he turned to look at her, "He is making a name for himself in the regiment."

"Is he?"

"Word of your arrival is bound to reach him."

"I fail to see how it would be of any importance to him."

"Don't play dense, Tatiana, it's beneath you."

"What do you wish for me to say?"

"The truth."

"Our lives have taken different paths. I merely state the obvious. I resolved myself to the fact some time ago. I have moved on, and he has likely moved on as well."

He noted the conviction in her tone. A set determination he was very familiar with. Her response appeared rehearsed, a mantra she likely had repeated to herself over the course of the last two years. It was a practical lie, one which could have deceived anyone, except him.

"How different it all could have been if I had yielded consent to him." He sighed as he looked away from her. "He was genuine in his affections for you."

"Do not dwell on the past father, for we can only hurt ourselves by reflecting on what could have been."

"The guilty can do nothing but reflect on their mistakes." He squeezed her hand. "Orloff would have been good to you, of that I am sure."

"I do not doubt it." She remarked with a sorrowful expression. "Yet it is easy to think fondly upon paths not taken rather than the thorny ones experienced."

"I know you have powerful reasons for seeking an annulment of your marriage-"

"Father please," She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I do not like what you are insinuating."

"Let me finish," he urged gently, "Your reasons for seeking an annulment are valid and do not think I would judge you for I am not one to judge. I merely wish for an honest response. If Orloff was to present himself to you and declare himself to you, would you accept him?"

"I could not."

"Could not?"

"I am not the girl he once held in great affection father."

"Tatiana you are still-"

"No father I am not. Look at me." She motioned to herself. "I'm a shell. Whatever affection he may have possessed is for a person who longer exists."

"You say this because you have yet to recover from your difficult ordeal."

"There are wounds which have let their mark not on my flesh but on my very person. I can never again be the girl I was." She closed her eyes as she appeared to fight back tears. "The naïve and innocent girl who left this house on your arm in her bridal attire, is forever lost. Do you not understand? There are things which cannot be undone."

Unable to offer any words of comfort he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her into a sheltered embrace. He could offer no remedy to her inner conflict except reassurance of his continued love and support, as his own heart contracted with bitter guilt.

A/N: Yeah, still alive, just caught up with the real world. Mostly work and kids. Thanks to those who were kind enough to reach out. Your messages and support are very much appreciated.