Chapter 24

"I never meant to fall in love. I suppose no one ever intends to.

When I traveled to Paris, it was to escape the misery dominating my life. My arranged marriage had proven to be as unhappy as I had predicted. The fault was no more hers than it was mine. We were far too different. Unable to find common ground, we could never build a solid foundation for our marriage. It was fractured and unstable from the beginning.

Marie was a wealthy aristocrat and with her came, not only wealth, but prestige, or so my mother had said. Marie was pretty, but her manner was too stiff. I could love her no more than she could love me. As heir to one of the largest private fortunes in Russia, I had to have a child, an heir to continue the family legacy.

Unfortunately, Marie, who was already a woman of fragile health, had a harder time than most women carrying a child. She suffered two miscarriages before finally giving birth to a still-born son, Nicholas. I cannot deny I suffered much and for a time, the death of our son brought us together. Our grief united us, and for a time, we attempted to heal the fractures in our relationship.

Marie became obsessed with having a child and wanted nothing more than to give me an heir which I desired, but not at the cost of her health. When Marie became pregnant again, I was very attentive and caring towards her. When our son Sergei was born, we rejoiced, but not for long. Sergei had been a rather small baby and, like his mother of delicate health. He died before he turned one.

Devastated by the loss of my son, I traveled aboard, away from everything and everyone around me. Marie did not care; she accepted my withdrawn attitude and spent her time with her mother. We were leading separate lives, each grieving in our own manner. It was during this troublesome time that I met the lovely Antoinette.

My friends had practically dragged me to the Opera house. My demeanor was not socialable, yet I felt compelled to oblige my companions who had endured my unpleasant spirits during my grief. While they had their sights on some of the more available dancers, my gaze had fallen on a young and graceful ballerina floating across the stage. She was not the prettiest girl on stage; but there was something about her that made her lovelier than all the rest.

When I went backstage to meet her, her harsh words took aback me. Never having being treated in such a manner, I found myself compelled by the young girl. I had no intention of making her my mistress; I was far from perfect. Like many men of the day, I had my share of uneventful flings here and there, but never long term.

Antoinette intrigued me with her strong maturity and determination to be the best dancer in Paris. It was with her I forgot my problems, at least for a few precious moments. I promised myself I would not disrespect her, therefore always made sure to leave the dressing room door opened, so no one had any doubts about her reputation.

Perhaps I had fallen in love with her on the night I first laid eyes on her, or perhaps I had fallen in love with her without realizing it. But one evening while we were talking, I looked at her reflection in the mirror and realized I was in love with her. She had given me hope of being able to love and be loved. Her affections were genuine, unmotivated by my position or wealth. I knew she cared for me before she even admitted it; there was something in a girl's eyes that always reflected their genuine emotions. Antoinette had my heart in her palm and I would have done anything she asked, if only she asked, but she never asked me for anything.

My guilt was too much for me to carry sometimes, feeling I was sinning without sinning. I could not gather the courage to confess I was married; I feared she would turn away from me.

When she kissed me for the first time, instead of pulling away, I pulled her closer to me, unable to deny my flesh the pleasure of having her in my arms. It was within a few days of our first kiss I finally made the resolve to go speak with the Tsar and request a divorce. Consequences be damned.

I didn't care if they took all my fortune, if they exiled me out of Russia, I didn't care about anyone but her. I wanted to be with her and form a life together. Her letters of love and devotion would bring tears to my eyes as I realized how innocent she was. Her love was unconditional and undemanding. How could I not love her?

When I met with the Tsar, everything I knew would happen, happened. 'Nicholas Alexandrov, let me warn you. Despite my fondness for you and your family, if you pursue this foolish notion, I will have no choice but to strip you of your title, estates, and fortune.' I accepted the warning, but I had already decided my fate.

When I went home to speak with Marie, she reacted worse than I could have ever dreamed. She screamed, cried, and destroyed everything in sight. I promised to arrange a secure account for her so she would live in the same luxury as she during our marriage, but it was all for nothing. She refused to consider divorce. She claimed to turn a blind eye to my affair, but she refused to humiliate her family with a scandal.

Unable to come to terms with Marie, I instructed my attorney to begin divorce proceedings. I also began securing funds for myself and Antoinette, knowing full well if I married her, I would lose my entire fortune. I wanted to provide some security for her.

My noble intentions mattered little when the truth was finally revealed to her. I deserved her rage. I had deceived and betrayed her. I had no justification to merit my actions, only selfishness.

She refused to see me, and with divorce proceedings needing my attentions, I had to return to Russia. I wrote her letter after letter, begging for forgiveness. Longing for a reply, even if it was her reproach.

Antoinette,

My love, my life, my soul. You cannot imagine how your coldness pains me. I have never felt the way I do, nor do I expect to ever love another as I love you. My sweet Antoinette, damn me if you must, but do not ignore me.

It was selfishness, which caused me to hurt you so. The fear of losing you tormented me. I attempted to confess, but when you would look at me with those stunning innocent eyes of yours, courage failed me.

I had neither the heart nor valor to do so. I ask on my hands and knees for forgiveness. I'm requesting a divorce and although it may take some time to have the details and separation completed, I swear to you on my life I will make you my wife and correct any wrong I have done you. Believe in me, my love, that is all I'm asking of you. Believe.

Yours Always,

Nicky

I wrote several letters, trying to establish a connection with her, but my letters never received a response. Finally, unable to handle the separation any longer, I went to Paris in search of her. Determined to make her hear everything, whether or not she wanted to. When I arrived I found some hostility among the people who worked at the Opera house. No one would allow me to go backstage.

Finally, I used my position of power to summon the manager who could not refuse my request and allowed me entrance. When I arrived I found her room empty.

"Monsieur, where is Antoinette?" I asked while looking over the room I had not seen for nearly three months.

"Monsieur Alexandrov, Madame Giry is on her honeymoon." He whispered, unable to meet my gaze. For a moment I believed I had heard him wrong.

"Madame Giry? Did you say Madame Giry?" Hurt and anger grip my heart.

"Yes, Monsieur Alexandrov, she married a month ago." I could not believe it. She had married another man, my Antoinette had married another man. She belonged to another a man. I would never forget the horrible rage that filled my entire being that day, and for the next several months.

I left Paris that very day with all hopes of happiness ruined. I made my way back to Russia, feeling completely betrayed, but I knew she had done nothing wrong. She had been in her right to marry; she had been free, and I had not. The unfairness of it all consumed me with bitterness and despondency.

I stopped the divorce papers and for the next several months indulged in excess drinking. I couldn't abide the thought of Antoinette in another man's arms. It was during this time that Marie became pregnant again.

Everyone rejoiced at the news. I too consumed with my heartache to find pleasure in the news. Out of guilt or scorn, perhaps both, I sent Antoinette a letter.

Madame Giry,

I congratulate you on your recent marriage. I pray with all my heart you find the happiness I could not give you. You shall always have a special place in my heart; all I ask is to be allowed to carry the title of friend in your life. Should you ever need anything, please do not think twice before calling on me. I'm forever in your debt, for the few precious moments of happiness you gave me. I will always treasure and remember us.

Sincerely,

Prince Nicholas Alexandrov

When Marie gave birth to a robust baby girl, I found myself captivated by the bundle in my arms. I will never forget the moment I laid eyes on my daughter. She was beautiful. There are seldom words to capture such moments. As I cradled her, I realized if God had taken away one love in exchange for another, then I would yield to his will.

I named her after my mother and made a vow I would always put her before myself and others. Unfortunately, Marie did not share my sentiments, and seemed disappointed she had birthed a daughter rather than a son. Her disinterest in our daughter made me even more determined to devote myself to being a father. I ceased drinking and dedicated myself to my daughter and other neglected obligations.

It stunned me when I received a letter from Antoinette, announcing the birth of her own daughter seven months after my daughter's birth. I wish I could say I was happy for her, but the news brought a mixture of jealously, grief, and remorse. I dutifully sent her my best wishes, and from then on, we maintained a friendly correspondence for years.

She always maintained a careful distance. Even after we became widowers, I knew she would not accept any romantic illusions on my part. So I bided my time and slowly navigated myself back into her heart.

Over the last year, several events have appeared to coincide in bringing us back into each other's lives. I firmly believe it is fate playing its hand. Something inside of me decided the time had finally come. And so began my ardent pursuit of the woman who had stolen my heart nearly twenty years before."

Nicholas poured himself another drink. "You must think me a fiend."

"Far from it."

"You're mocking me?"

"No. I admire you" Erik gave a minor smile.

"Admire?"

"You fought against society, family and time. All to fulfill a vow to the woman you love. How can I call your actions anything less than admirable?"

"Admirable is not what I would use to describe my action. Selfish seems more appropriate."

"Are we all not selfish? Do not reproach yourself. I do not believe she would be receptive to your advances if she did not believe you to be worthy of her affections."

Nicholas leaned into his chair and chuckled softly. "Since when are you so proficient in providing advice, Erik"?"

"Your lectures and advice are not as ignored as you believe. I do listen, I simply feign indifference."

Erik had not expected a confession from Nicholas. The man was reserved and kept his personal life personal. Yet for all his reservedness regarding his own matters of the heart, Nicholas was a man of candor. A trait he much admired and valued.

When he had left Tatiana, he immediately sought Nicholas. After several months of living with the man, he had come to predict certain habits. Nicholas always retreated to his study to reflect whenever a significant decision was made. His instinct had proven correct, and before he could probe, Nicholas willingly began discussing a topic he had always avoided.

As the man spoke openly about his very private relationship with the equally discreet Antoinette Giry, he found himself astonished. Not so much in the revelation but the willingness to discuss such intimate matters. In truth, he had deducted their affections, had been established years ago. He knew not how their paths had crossed, yet it was clear sentiments lingered profoundly for both individuals.

If circumstances had prevented them from being together before, it seemed said obstacles were no longer an issue. He could not begrudge Nicholas for his past behavior. If there was a misdeed done, he had paid the price for it. In fact, everyone involved paid a price.

Antoinette had never spoken ill of her husband. Yet, he'd always suspected her prolonged mourning was not for the man she had called husband, but for a more poignant loss.

"Treat her well." He clasped his hand over Nicholas's shoulder. "She deserves happiness after the hardships and sorrows she has endured because of me."

"Whatever you believe she had endured has been a fraction of what she would continue to endure because she loves you Erik. You may not understand the depth of her love and admiration for you, but she cherishes you."

He remained silent as he processed the words.

"Erik?"

"I'm not a man who easily expresses his emotions with words." He confessed. "There are few people I hold in esteem. Fewer still who I would dare call a friend. She has managed to obtain both."

Madame Giry looked at her daughter with a few tears in her eyes. "I was completely and utterly devastated, but I refused to let him get the better of me. I received several letters from him. Attempting to explain what had happened, and although I believed him, I didn't respond to his letters."

"Why didn't you try to write him back, mama?" Meg silently inquired.

"I was wounded and too depressed to think of a viable future for us.

"After a month of self mourning, I realized that he had made a mistake, but so had I. I learned from several people who knew him and his wife Marie, that the marriage was indeed troubled and a separation of some sort had taken place before he met me. I was going to write to him when a woman came to see me, Princess Tatiana Alexandrova, Nicholas's mother.

She was a very intimidating figure; a woman of rare beauty whose presence demanded attention. She approached me without malice or judgment. In fact, I believe to this day she understood my pain.

"My dear, I know all about you and Nicholas. I also know my son is deeply in love with you." She whispered as she placed her hand over mine.

"Madame Alexandrov, I don't know what to say."

"Please allow me to speak first. I understand you and my son have feelings for each other, and I also understand the situation you find yourself in. Like my son, my marriage was arranged and although my late husband and I shared little in common, we came to care a great deal for one another.

Nicholas and Marie are have suffered much in their young marriage. Marie is a very fragile girl who has not been able to adjust to our country's harsh winter. You may know they've experienced the loss of two sons. This has not been easy on them; losing their children has placed enormous strain on their marriage. This was why Nicholas had to get away, this is why he came to Paris, to forget his problems for a short while. He came here looking for peace and instead found you." I blushed profusely and struggled to meet the gaze of the woman, who was being very polite yet very blunt.

"I understand you care about Nicholas. I know you are a person of merit and integrity. I do not believe my son would be willing to risk everything for you as he is otherwise. I love my son and want what is best for him and our family. I have nothing against you. I feel you are a wonderful girl, but I'm afraid an Alexandrov cannot marry a ballet dancer. If my son divorces Marie to marry you, he will lose his title, estates, wealth, and exiled from Russia. "

"I'm not asking him to forsake anything."

"He is willing to give up everything for you, but you must consider, is he thinking straight? He is the last of the Alexandrov's. He must have an heir. He has to continue with the family name. I do not expect you to understand, but in our culture, our name is everything. He may not regret giving up his fortune now, but what about later? He has never known a life outside the privileged life I have given him. Can you really see him working as an average man? Can you believe he won't wake up one day and think what have I done?"\

I could not hold back the tears as I listened to her words. They were not laced with malice, yet sometimes there is nothing more painful than the truth.

"I don't tell you this to hurt your feelings, but I cannot allow my son to ruin his life this way. It is nothing personal against you. I beg you on my knees to let him go. If you really love him, you'll let him go." She pleaded.

I knew she was right, I could not allow Nicholas to give up what was his birthright. I loved him too much to see him fall from his pedestal. Love is sacrifice and because I loved him I knew what I had to do.

"I swear to you, Madame, I won't allow him to leave his wife. I will make my life and he will continue his. It was but a dream to think it could end differently."

"Thank you. This is for the best." She whispered before leaving me to my grief.

"His mother came to you?" Meg looked at her with pity.

"She had every right, Nicholas was determined to leave Marie and if he married me he would have had nothing."

"He would have had you." Meg whispered as she laid her head on her mother's lap.

"He would have regretted it eventually. I much preferred to be a happy memory in his life rather than a bitter chapter." She wiped the tears away from her eyes as she patted her daughter's head.

"What about father?"

"You father and I had worked together for some time and he knew of my heartache. He said he had cared for me for some time, and promised to be true to me and only me. I knew I had to place distance between Nicholas and myself, so I accepted his proposal. He was such a kind man, Meg. I cared for him deeply, I always will, but I cannot lie to you. It's always been Nicky who I have loved."

"You are both free now."

"Yes. Marie died when Tatiana was about six years old."

"Are you going to marry him?"

"Nicholas has been officially courting me for several weeks now, Meg. He wanted to prove to me his love and show me he could love you as his own child just as he loves Tatiana. The more time we spent together the more I realized I could never love another the way I loved him. I sacrificed our love years ago, but now things are different and there is no need to sacrifice. It may sound selfish but I wish to be happy, I want to spend whatever life I have left with him. I have accepted his proposal." She confessed nervously.

Meg smiled and embraced her mother. A surprised laugh escaped her lips as she returned the hug. It seemed everything was finally coming together the way it should have come together years ago.

A/N: Don't forget to review !