The first few days of Glee Club following their, apparently, breakthrough rendition of Don't Stop Believing were...interesting. That was the best way Kurt could think of to describe it. They'd had several new editions to the Club: three Cheerios whom he suspected were probably there to spy on them for their crazy coach, Sue Sylvester, and three new football players, at least one of whom regularly joined Karofsky in tossing him into the lockers, tripping him, and shoving him to the ground. These new editions made it difficult for him to want to be in Glee, and three days after he'd made his post on the anti-bullying website, he finally decided to check it.
He'd been far too nervous to check it before. What if no one had commented on it because they didn't have any advice for his situation? What if someone had commented on it? What would he say back? Or, worse, what if someone had commented just to make fun of him and bully him because the website was actually for bullies instead of victims?
With all these questions swirling in his head, it was difficult for Kurt to make time to check his post. There was always something better for him to be doing at the time. However, after one particularly harrowing day in Glee Club with Rachel, he decided to check it that night when he got home.
Sitting down in front of his computer, he quickly navigated to the site, providing his login information. The first thing he noticed was that there was a big red "1" beside the word "Messages" at the top of his screen. The next was that his post was no longer the first one. In fact, there were several posts that had been made since he'd last been on the site, and he had to scroll quite a ways to find the new message. And, yes, there were a few replies. He read each of them carefully.
From notaweirdo: Chin up. Things won't be this bad forever!
From DontTellMeICantSing: Join a new club! There's a spot for everyone.
From OutAndProud: Start your own club! Make it what you want.
From C.O.U.R.A.G.E.: Hi, .Hooray! I had a similar problem at my old school. It was hard to make friends because I didn't fit in with most of my peers. Just be yourself. If they don't like you as you are, you shouldn't be friends with them.
From MeetMe: I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say, "Hi!" and welcome to the site. Maybe you can find a friend here. :)
Kurt smiled as he read through the comments. It seemed as though everyone here was very friendly. It didn't really help him to know what to say, but it was a relief no one had been rude to him. Sighing, he decided he should probably respond and thank them for their kind comments.
From .Hooray!: Thank you, everyone, for your kind comments. A few new kids have joined the Club, and they're making it more difficult for me to enjoy Glee Club. I think I might need to find a new one.
After hitting send, Kurt wasn't sure what to do. He was afraid to check his messages, but he was also very curious. What could someone want to talk to him about? Was it someone offering advice or being a jerk?
In an attempt to avoid checking the messages, Kurt read through a few posts from the main page. It was kind of interesting to read about other people's problems. It seemed that a lot of kids had trouble finding someone to be friends with or finding a group where they were accepted. There were a few kids on there asking about how to come out to their parents or peers at school, and Kurt made sure to read those thoroughly, including the comments about others' experiences. He was barely admitting to himself that he thought he was gay, and he was nowhere near ready to tell anyone, especially not his dad or his classmates. However, it was helpful to know that there were some people who didn't have a bad coming out experience.
There was one other thing that stuck out at Kurt as he read through some of the posts: C.O.U.R.A.G.E., whoever that was, responded to posts. A lot. Nearly all of them. It wasn't that C.O.U.R.A.G.E. had a lot of helpful advice, but they always had a positive and encouraging thing to say on the post, even if they had no advice to offer. C.O.U.R.A.G.E. did have a lot of advice when it came to coming out, though. They made long comments on those posts, detailing their story in coming out to their parents and brother as well as their classmates and the subsequent beating they'd received from a group of bullies at school, resulting in a school transfer. Somehow, despite all that, C.O.U.R.A.G.E. believed that coming out had been a positive experience for them and suggested talking to each parent separately, a good way to focus only on the person and answer any questions that they might have. Kurt thought this might be good advice and stored it away in the back of his mind for later. He didn't have a mom to tell, but at least, if he ever chose to come out of the closet, he'd know to tell everyone he cared about separately. Maybe he'd never have to come out, though. I do a pretty good job of hiding myself, he thought.
Finally, after putting it off for as long as he could, Kurt decided to go ahead and check his messages. He assumed that, if the message was from a bully that had sneaked onto the site, he could just delete the message. He would, of course, never post again, just in case it was one of the bullies at his school, but he could at least read other posts, even if he never typed another word onto the website.
So, Kurt clicked on the word "Messages" next to the bright red "1" at the top of his screen, holding his breath as he waited for the page to load. When the message popped up, he was pleasantly surprised to discover that it was from C.O.U.R.A.G.E. Clicking into it, he read the message.
Hi, .Hooray! I also commented on your post, but I wanted to send you a message to let you know that, if you'd like someone to talk to, I'd be happy to chat with you. It seems like you and I have similar stories, and I know it can be helpful to talk with someone who understands what you're going through without a lengthy explanation. So, if you'd like to chat about making friends or just start a friendship here, I'm happy to chat with you. I check this site often, so if you message me here, I'll probably see it within a day. If you don't choose to chat with me, I understand. Not fitting in is a sensitive topic, and it can be hard to talk about. I just thought I'd offer. Anyway, have a great day, and I hope I'll hear from you soon!
Kurt couldn't help but smile as he read through the message a second time. Whomever this was seemed to be really sweet and thoughtful. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to start up a conversation with them. He could tell them as much or as little as he wanted, and if they chose to never speak to him again, at least he'd never have to worry about running into them. They probably lived a long way off, anyway.
Quickly, Kurt typed back a short message. Hi, C.O.U.R.A.G.E. Thank you for messaging me. I think it could be fun to chat. How were you finally able to make friends? Do you belong to a Glee Club?
For a split second, Kurt wondered if C.O.U.R.A.G.E. was online right then, and he sat staring at his screen, waiting to see if a message would pop up. Then, he chickened out, closing the tab quickly to avoid getting a message from them right away. He'd give it a few days and check again. He didn't need that much pressure.
Turning on his stereo, he sat down behind his sewing machine to put the finishing touches on a sweater he'd been working on. He wanted to show it to Mercedes the next day. They were going to spy on Dakota Stanley, a top choreographer that was currently working with the dreaded Vocal Adrenaline team, and he'd told Mercedes that "every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion." He didn't want to disappoint her, especially after they'd found her a rockin' pair of overalls at the mall that day. Of all the kids in Glee, he was growing closest to her, and he felt that maybe, if he could move past her loud tendencies and her desire to constantly be front and center, he could be close friends with Mercedes. Maybe. And, one way to do that would be to impress her with his fashion sense.
The next day, when he rolled up to the front of the school where Dakota Stanley was coaching Vocal Adrenaline, Mercedes was already there, walking in beside the girls from the Cheerios he didn't know well and Rachel Berry. If Kurt had once thought he could be friends with Rachel, he knew now that no one could truly be her friend; she didn't want friends, just people she could use to get her further ahead in life. She'd tried that with him already, and he didn't want a repeat.
"Damn, Kurt! Your car is fly!" Mercedes said as he stepped out of the car, dawning a pair of sunglasses that went well with his sweater, fitted jeans, and hat.
He smiled at her. "Thanks. My dad got it for me when I promised to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee." He watched as Mercedes' gaze traveled down to his knees which were, consequently, where he'd made this sweater stop. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him," Kurt supplied with a smile, stepping up next to her and accepting her arm linked through his. As they walked into the school, they traded quips about their adventure at the mall the day before, giggling despite their classmates' constant shushing. It was nice, he realized, to have someone to share stories with. Maybe his plan was working. Maybe he'd finally found a friend.
The following day after school, Kurt was amped up. They were doing a car wash to raise money to pay for Dakota Stanley's services. The short, loud man had told them the night before, after their spying venture, that he would help them… for $8,000 per number and a $10,000 bonus if they placed in the top three in their next competition. The whole thing seemed far too expensive to Kurt, and he didn't really understand why Rachel wouldn't just grovel to get Mr. Schue back; but he was playing along with it, especially since Rachel had agreed that he and Mercedes could wash his Navigator for free in order to draw more people in.
The car wash wasn't really why he was excited, though. No, he was excited because the day before, while they were supposed to be spying on Dakota, Mercedes had made plans with him to attend a sing-along of The Sound of Music that was showing at one of the local theaters. His first date with a real friend! Kurt couldn't believe it! It was all he could think about during school that day. He knew it was a silly thing to be excited about, but he couldn't help it. Finally, someone liked him for who he was. Finally, he didn't feel like an outsider. He finally, finally belonged.
The car wash was fun, too. Normally, that was not the type of thing Kurt would find himself being excited about, however, when it came to his car, his baby, he was a bit obsessive. When his father had given him the car, he'd felt like he'd finally made a breakthrough with him. His dad had been all grins and excitement, eager to show Kurt the car he'd gotten for him, and Kurt had been all smiles and clapping hands as his dad had walked him around the car. It had felt like they were bonding, truly getting to know one another better in those few minutes in the driveway, and Kurt was dedicated to keeping his dad happy when it came to the car. So, he and Mercedes were being quite thorough, wiping and polishing areas several times before he was satisfied. It didn't take Mercedes long to become exhausted with this, however.
Straightening up with a long sigh, she said, "Your rims are clean. We've polished them, like, three times already."
Kurt wasn't really listening to her. Polishing the car was soothing, and he was thinking about their date that evening. "Did you bring a change of clothes?" he asked her instead. "Because we're going straight to the sing-along Sound of Music."
Mercedes smiled at that, sighing again, and leaned against his car with a dreamy look on her face.
I'm so glad she loves The Sound of Music as much as I do, Kurt thought as he watched her for a moment. I hope this is always what it's like to have a friend.
"So, listen, Kurt," Mercedes said.
Feeling his heart leap into his throat, and he swallowed hard. Was she about to tell him she didn't want to be friends anymore?
"This is like the third time we've gone out. Can we just make it official?"
Kurt stared at her as though she was dumb. Inside, his mind was racing 100 miles an hour, trying to pinpoint exactly what she was talking about. Yes, this would be the third time they'd hung out if they counted both the mall and the Dakota Stanley stakeout. Was there something they'd discussed that they hadn't made official? When his brain came up blank, he finally asked, "Make what official?"
A grin grew wider on Mercedes' face. "You know… That we're dating!"
Now his stomach was in the souls of his feet, and his heart was pounding like a hammer in his chest. "I'm sorry, Mercedes," he said, trying to make himself sound as confident as he could. He didn't need her to know that she'd completely shattered his hopes with one sentence. His gaze traveled around in a frenzy and landed on Rachel who was doing…something…beside a different vehicle. The words tumbled out before he really knew what was happening. "But I thought I made it very clear. I'm in love with someone else."
Turning, Mercedes followed his gaze, also landing on Rachel who was still doing…something. "Rachel?" she questioned, turning to look at him again with a look that he couldn't quite read.
Unsure how to respond, Kurt opened his mouth, and his body worked on autopilot. "Yes. For several years now." What? he yelled at himself. What are you saying? You don't even like Rachel! Before he really knew what had happened, however, there was a loud crash that brought him back to reality. Mercedes had thrown a massive rock through his windshield!
It took Kurt a moment to really regain his senses. That was not at all what he'd been expecting, and there was a mixture of concern, fear, and anger coursing through him that made finding words difficult. It was obvious that he'd hurt Mercedes' feelings, and, if her scowl and hand-on-hip stance was anything to go by, he probably no longer had a friend in her. Was she going to yell at him? Beat him up? Furthermore, what was he going to tell his dad? Burt Hummel was sure to be pissed, and Kurt really didn't want to deal with that. Finally, his anger won out.
"You busted my window. How could you do that? You busted my window!"
Mercedes turned her best snarky gaze on him. "Well, you busted my heart."
Kurt knew that he looked like a fish. He knew he should stop opening and closing his mouth, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't believe that Mercedes, someone he thought was going to be a good friend to him, would do something like this. "I-I've got to go," he finally said. He opened the door and, standing on the running board, he carefully brushed the glass off his seat. Then, he started his car and peeled out of the parking lot, making a beeline for his dad's shop. He really didn't want him to know about the incident, but he didn't know where else to turn. And, this wasn't really something he could hide from his dad.
"Dad! Dad!" Kurt yelled when he got to the shop. He jumped out of the car, running into the shop, hollering for his father at the top of his lungs.
"Kurt?" Burt asked, sticking his head out of his office door. "Are you okay, kid? You hurt?"
"No, I-I'm fine. It-it's my car. It's not okay."
Burt wrinkled his brow. "What happened? Did you get into an accident? How did you get here?"
"Well, it wasn't really an accident," Kurt answered. "I, um… Well, Mercedes threw a rock through the front window."
"She did what?" Burt bellowed, opening the door all the way, so he could step out and look his son fully in the face. "Why?"
"I…may have broken her heart," Kurt admitted softly, studying the floor. He did feel bad that Mercedes had felt lead on. He really hadn't meant to. He was doing his best to hide, but it had been too much fun when he thought he'd found a true friend. That was his mistake, he guessed. He was probably better off without a friend.
Burt didn't really know what to think of his son's statement. "Let me see," he said instead, deciding to view the damage before he passed any judgment. Truth be told, there was something he'd wanted to talk to Kurt about, and he hadn't yet found the right time. Maybe this would be just the window he'd been looking for.
Reluctantly, Kurt led his dad out to his car, standing sadly off to the side as Burt muttered, cussed, and generally expressed himself about the damage done to his son's car. He did comment on the wash job, though. "Did you just get it cleaned?" he asked, walking around the whole thing to inspect for other damage. "It looks real shiny."
"Um, yeah. Mercedes and I were polishing it at the school carwash when I told her we couldn't date."
Burt sighed. "About that, kid." He took his hat off his head, running one rough hand over his balding scalp. "I went into your room the other day after you left for school, and I found your collection of little crowns in your cedar chest that your grandfather built for you."
Kurt gulped. Damn it. I thought I'd hit those better, he thought to himself. "I-I'm sorry," he said softly. "I-I…"
"Don't try to explain it, kid. I'm sure you had a good reason for buying those, even though I have no idea what the frick it could be. I'm not really mad about the fact that you have them so much as I'm pretty sure this means you've been using the emergency credit card I gave you for things that are not emergencies."
"Yeah…"
"At least he's honest," Burt muttered under his breath. "Thank you for telling me," he said loudly enough that Kurt could hear. "So, we'll leave your car here, I'll order a new windshield for it, and we'll get it installed. Then, once it's drivable again, your grounding from your car starts. Two weeks. Got it?"
Kurt nodded. "I understand."
"Please try to keep your spending habits under control. Okay, kid?" Burt said. He didn't feel like it was enough. There was such a huge disconnect between himself and his son, and if he was being honest, he hated it. He missed what it had been like between them when his wife was alive. Sure, he'd had to participate in tea parties that made him a little uncomfortable, and he'd had his nails and hair done countless times, but at least they'd been close. Kurt had come to him with small problems as well as big ones. He'd asked for Burt to read him stories, play with him, and come to his ballet recitals. Once Elizabeth had passed away, though, that had stopped, and the longer she'd been gone, the more strained their relationship had become. It seemed almost foreign to him that his son had come to him for help with his car situation. Maybe he shouldn't have used it as an opportunity to punish him for his credit card use. Elizabeth would know what to do, Burt thought with another sigh. I wish she was here.
"I will, Dad," Kurt said, looking at the floor again.
"Good. Uh, I'm almost done here. Just a couple more things to get done. Then, I'll take you home."
"Kay, Dad."
That night, after dinner, Kurt sat down in front of his computer. He hadn't intended to check his messages on the anti-bullying website, but he was feeling lonely and incredibly sad. Maybe C.O.U.R.A.G.E. had sent him a new message or maybe there would be a post with some advice. He didn't know exactly what he was hoping for, but Kurt had an innate feeling that somehow, this website would help.
When he logged into his account, there was another red "1" next to the word "Messages" at the top of the screen. He didn't even bother to scroll through the new posts. Instead, he clicked on his messages, happy to see that the response was, in fact, from C.O.U.R.A.G.E.
Hi! I'm so glad you decided to message me back! the message said. To answer your question, I am in a Glee Club. I'm actually a freshman at my school, and our Glee Club is very prestigious. They hold tryouts for their group to even get in as well as tryouts for their lead soloist. Even though I'm a freshman, I was actually just selected to be the lead soloist for our first competition. That doesn't usually happen. I thought that would help me make friends, but it's actually made things a lot harder. I do have one good friend, though. I'd like to say that I have some very wise advice for you, but I think that you really do just have to be true to yourself. Don't try to hide, and don't be afraid for anyone to see you as the awesome person I'm sure you are. I hope that helps. Tell me about your Glee Club! Hope to hear from you soon!
Taking a deep breath, Kurt sent back a response: I'm not sure being myself will help. I was trying to do that, and I thought I'd finally gained some ground with one of the girls in my Glee Club. But now, she's mad at me because I told her I'm not interested in dating her. She even threw a rock through my car window. Anyway, my Glee Club is kind of a fresh start-up. I mean, our school has always had one, but a real weirdo used to run it until he was booted out for being inappropriate with one of his male students. Now, the Spanish teacher has taken it over, but he's totally in love with the talent of one of the most annoying girls in the school as well as the quarterback of the football team. I don't have much of a chance at getting any solos or anything. Do you think I should quit? Kurt's hands hovered above the keys, unsure if he should say the last thing that he was thinking or not. Had he been talking to this person face to face, there's no way he ever would have mentioned it. But… this person didn't know his name. That feeling finally won over. Thanks for talking with me, he wrote. I really feel like we might be able to become friends. He quickly hit send and signed off. He was exhausted, and now seemed like a great time to go to bed. He could lay in bed and listen to music for a while until he drifted off.
The next day, before school started, Mercedes approached Kurt at his locker. "Hey, Kurt. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry I did that to your car. I'll pay for it to get fixed." She did look really sorry, and she wouldn't even meet his gaze as she leaned against the lockers next to his.
Kurt took a bit of pity on her. Just a bit. "It's okay," he said. "My dad took my baby away after he found my tiara collection in my hope chest."
There was a moment of awkward silence where Mercedes didn't know what to say and Kurt really wanted to walk away from the situation altogether. Finally, Mercedes broke the silence. "And, I just wanted to say I hope it works out between you and Rachel. You'll have really cute, loud babies."
"Mercedes…" Kurt said, sighing. A line from C.O.U.R.A.G.E. popped into his head suddenly. Don't try to hide, and don't be afraid for anyone to see you as the awesome person I'm sure you are. That brought him some strength—courage, he later decided—and, for the first time, he decided to go with the whole, not at all skewed truth. "I lied to you. I don't like Rachel. I'm…gay…" It felt amazing and scary to say it out loud, and the emotions were overwhelming. Really, he realized, not only had he just come out to someone publicly, but he'd come out to himself. He really hoped Mercedes would say something to stop him from feeling like he'd just made a complete and utter fool of himself.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" she asked, looking confused.
"Because I've never told anyone before," he admitted. Not even myself.
"You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt," Mercedes said, smiling at him. "You should just tell people, especially the kids in Glee. The whole point of the club is about expressing what's really inside you, remember?" She looked like she'd really like to pull Kurt into a hug, but he was folding in on himself a little bit, and she didn't want to make him more uncomfortable.
Kurt shook his head sadly. "I can't. I'm just not that confident, I guess."
At this, Mercedes did take his arm, leading him down the hallway in the direction of their first class which, consequently, they shared with one another. "Well, I'm glad you told me," she admitted. "I really do want to be friends with you, Kurt. I think you're sweet and cool, and you have a fantastic fashion sense."
Smiling a bit, Kurt said, "I'd like to be friends, too. But… Did I lead you on? Did I make you think I was in love with you?"
Mercedes shook her head. "No. Rachel and Tina tried to tell me you were gay, but I wanted to believe that we were at least friends so much that I let it go too far in my head. It wasn't your fault at all, Kurt. It was all me."
"Do you still want to go to the sing-along of The Sound of Music?" Kurt asked with a grin, pausing outside their classroom. "They're showing it again tomorrow night."
"You'd still go with me?" Mercedes asked. "Even though I damaged your car?"
"Of course! As long as you're okay with my dad driving us there. I, obviously, can't drive right now."
"Sounds great!" Mercedes replied. She squealed a little, hopping up and down for a moment before pulling Kurt into a tight hug. "I'm so glad we're friends!"
"Me, too," Kurt replied. "Me, too."
That night, Kurt logged into the anti-bullying site again. As he'd expected, he had a new message from C.O.U.R.A.G.E. He was surprised to admit to himself that he was now looking forward to checking the website every evening. Sure, he and C.O.U.R.A.G.E. had only shared a few messages so far, but after reading their responses to many of the posts on the site, he felt like they could become good friends.
I'm sorry you're having trouble with someone you thought was your friend, C.O.U.R.A.G.E. had written. Someone will come through for you, and you'll have a great friendship with them. Meanwhile, you've got me, and I hope we'll keep being friends even after you get a friend in real life. PLEASE don't quit Glee Club! I know it's hard to stay when you're sure you're not going to get everything out of the club you'd hoped. But maybe the quarterback will have to quit because he's too busy or the annoying girl will quit because she finds a better opportunity. If you enjoy singing, you should stick with it, at least for a little while. Do you feel comfortable telling me a little more about yourself? I know we're not allowed to share real personal info like names, birthdays, and where we live, but I'd like to get to know you, .Hooray!
Kurt smiled. He'd been right. C.O.U.R.A.G.E. was a nice person. So, he wrote back: I think I actually got my friend back today. I took your advice about being myself, and it worked. He swallowed hard, preparing himself for what he was about to do. Today, he had courage. He knew he might not the next time he got on the website. I actually told her that I'm gay, my first time coming out to anyone at all, including myself. Any advice on how to handle that? Kurt chuckled dryly to himself. He felt needy constantly asking for advice, but he didn't know where else to turn. He didn't know anyone else like him, friendless or gay either one. I'd love to tell you about myself! I'm a sophomore in high school, and I live with my dad. I'm writing a musical. The title is actually my username on here, and I love fashion. I make my own clothes sometimes. What are some interesting facts about you?
Then, Kurt signed off. Maybe someday he'd have the courage to stay on the site and see if they could chat in something that resembled real-time. He just wasn't quite ready for that yet.