Helpless.

Is there any worse state?

When your own body is not up to your will when your body is a burden when your body is falling you mercilessly.

Looking back at it, I wonder if I could have been more difficult to deal with.

I know why I was that way, but it is a poor excuse to being constantly irritated, angry, scrumptious.

After all, it wasn't Kylo who threw me on those rocks, it wasn't Terra's singers who bruised my spine making me a log for days ahead.

Kylo tried to be as serving as possible. He allowed me to insult him as much as I wanted, to argue with his suggestions as much as I wanted, but more than anything he allowed me to be silent in his presence.

"I think you are ready for some massage," he said 10 days later when the terra's singer was adding ointment into my back.

I was able to move my legs better, but I was still weak and needed help all the time.

Kylo didn't touch me, except that first hour when he got me on an improvised sleigh. The terra's singer dark green eyes followed me and took care of me all days later. I was grateful. It was bad enough that my prisoner became my caretaker, but I was not ready to be close to the only one creature on this planet whom I have to hide my pain from so thoroughly. Because I knew he would understand me.

Funny enough these days gave me plenty of time to think of what I've seen in his mind.

The vision of Han's face was haunting me. Now I knew what expression he had when my lightsaber was sucking the life out of his body. No, wait… not my lightsaber. Kylo's. But since his memory seemed like mine I was not so sure. I saw many other faces of people dying and thinking of the more and more I lost the sense of difference. Was this his or my kill? Were these begging eyes of a Resistance fighter or the First Order soldier?

"I think they can start tomorrow."
"Who… what?"
"Massage."

I nodded. I didn't want to argue. I turned my head to the other side. There were more faces in my head.

To be honest I lost the feeling of embarrassment over my naked body long ago.

I didn't have the luxury of experiencing it.

I was naked before Finn so often than sometimes I thought that he saw my body more often than his wife's. Well, to be honest, Rose saw it as much as he did.

We changed clothes for the missions before each other, we stitched our wounds in trenches before each other, we put on uniforms before flights in front of each other. It was normal.

It was a necessity.

So full body massage didn't scare me.

Being naked on the leather table didn't bother me. The masseuse didn't bother me.

What bothered me was that Kylo took the liberty to take me there.

It was also a necessity.

Terra's singers helped me in my room but they were too petite to take me far away.

So Kylo was the one. Aside from the obvious issues with him taking care of his jailer ( the line of that was really thin honestly), it was closeness that continued to bother me.

The first two times he was doing his best with it. Taking me with only his hands almost not pressing me to his chest. Not talking.

The third time was more difficult. The third time was when I bit my lip during the session from pain.

I hated it, I hated my broken body, I hated massage, I hated this planet and, of course, I hated him. When he came to pick me up I was still so angry that he froze in the threshold.

He hesitated and I took advantage of it. I waved my hands and aggressively shoved him into the wall behind me.

He got up but didn't say anything at first. He stood and I felt his defense thickening, getting ready for my next attack.

"I know how angry you are."
"No, you are not!"
"Yes, I do. Your mind is screaming about it."
"It is not the same! You are not in my place."
"I was. I was almost crippled when I got here."

I didn't know what to answer. He was telling the truth, but I didn't care much. Self-pity was torturing me over.

"You know what… I am not taking you back. You will do it yourself. You almost broke my spine over this wall. So I think you are more capable than anyone can be."

"Be sure of that!" I screamed at him.

He didn't answer. He kept the door opened and left.

Anger gradually left me leaving only this toxic self-pity. I hated him, I did shove him into that wall and Force was with me, but…

"But what, Rey?" I asked myself.

I learned to pick up almost everything around me. I once carried the whole cargo ship with Force. Why couldn't I carry my own body?

I knew why…

Because I had never heard Jedi be able to fly, not float or jump really high, and moreover I never heard of crippled Jedis being so strong.

But I was strong! Whatever was happening with my back I was strong!

Before I even stopped thinking about that, I felt being lifted from the table. It was not hard. It was not hard at all, because Force didn't care if I was crippled, Force didn't care if my back hurt, Force was with me.

I once heard about ghosts. Myths of some race that dead people can come back as mist, as a haze that slides over the floor. This is what probably I looked like when I left the massage room and ascended to my room.

Kylo was there.

I felt his relief when he saw me and…proud?

"I knew that you would manage it," he said when I descended to the bed.

"Liar…"

"Well, I had doubts, but not in your abilities, just in your …faith in yourself."

"I…never heard that Jedis could do it."

"I didn't either, but it doesn't matter. Force is with you."

I nodded. He smiled and put a dinner next to me.

He watched me eat until the terra's singer came in.

And it became easier…The next massage session was not so painful and by the 15th session, I was already walking over my room.
The next day after the final session no terra's singer came to me.

Late dinner I left the room myself. I moved slowly still but more confident each day. And whenever I felt weak, Force was with me.

To be honest the feeling of its presence wasn't leaving me.

I wondered why I reached it only as a source of power before. Not that it was not powerful, but it was so much more than that. Not threads, not an aura, not like that.

I remembered that feeling of transcendence on the balcony and felt that the answer was somehow there.

"Thank you."
"For what?" Kylo looked at me puzzled when I found him on the balcony.
"For helping me."
"I was glad to help, After all, you are right: it was my fault. You came there because of me."
"Don't. I fell myself. You are not responsible for me. You have a lot to deal with besides taking care of me."
"Rey…"
"Let me finish. I have doubts. I need to tell you that I …amazed on how you are holding on with what I saw."
"I am glad that I seem so determined to you. I wish I was like that."
"And you are not?"

"My actions, whatever I've done is like a curse. I can tell every day that my past is past, that I can't change it so I need to look into the future. But I fall asleep with his eyes looking at me when I pierce his chest and I wake with her eyes that are searching me among troopers that are killing her. I can't," his face fell, his posture finally became closer to what I remember. Kylo Ren... Ben Solo…both of them broken, damaged, crippled, "and in between I see your face asking me to turn to you, to stand by your side…every damn day… So why am I so relaxed? Because there is no other way because I take this burden and I let it eat me, but I am going to work for the rest of my life making amends to those who I can help. And occasionally I will be happy in this place, with this work, with these children, with you. My in-between pain is so much more bearable when I can see an omen of a smile on your face when I can relax features that were hardened by war. I…"

I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Like no time has passed…is it pity on your face?" he asked sheepishly, mocking himself.
"Affection," I sighed.
Kylo looked at me, his features getting smoother, his face getting brighter.
"Do you mean that?"
"I mean it. I can't take your pain and your burden. To be honest, it caused a lot of suffering, so it should be with you. You should remember, but…" I turned my gaze to sunset where the moon was being eaten by the sun," I feel so much peace here and I am… much more… content here… with everyone, with you. Mostly with you."

I didn't hear him stand up, but his hand slid over my shoulder, fingertips touched my neck. I felt his chin touching back of my head. Warmth radiated from him, like from the sun that was hiding behind moon, behind me.

His fingers stroked my chin and I sighed deeply, filling my lungs with evening breathing.

"Attachment is prohibited…" I reminded him.
" … for Jedi," he whispered.
"And we are not?"
"We are not."

I let myself lean over his chest. The purple moon was shining bright, I felt chilling breeze over my hands, but I wasn't cold. My sun was with me.