It has been I still want to complete this piece. Whatever it takes :)
Breathless. A whirlpool of emotions was swirling around us and I couldn't distinguish them.
I was looking at how his hand stroke mine or my hand stroking his. Inhaling intimacy, promising and forbidden.
The unfulfilled longing drifted in his eyes. I saw it in a way he looked at my softly rising chest, at the curve of my waist, at the birthmark on my inner thigh. I saw he wanted to pin me to the bed, to get that satisfying moan from my lips when he thrusts inside of me. And I wanted it too. I reached to him with my other hand, but he caught it and pressed to his lips eagerly.
"You are hungry," he whispered.
I wanted to say that I had a hunger for something more than food, but he was persistent.
He got up and took my panties. There was a caring pleasure in the away cloth slid my legs, endearment for the way I moved my hips up to get underwear at place. He knew that I didn't want a bra so he brought only my top. When he pulled it over my head he swiftly left a kiss in my cleavage. No one ever dressed me, no one ever kissed my elbows while tugging my garments, no one ever pressed me to his crutch not undress me but to wrap a belt around my hips.
"You do want me," I confirmed when he was pulling up my boots.
"I do."
"You can have me," I stated again touching his mind with one swift thought of undressing me. Colors of his mind burst momentarily, but he subdued it.
"I know," he answered and zipped my left boot, "Let's go eat and we have some work to do."
I called it aggravation.
The last shiny red stone flew over me into a small cart. I made a step into Jey's direction only to get a few more massive bowlders fly to me. I was focusing on them, not to focus on him, not to get frustrated with his coldness. Stones were moving into the cart, but in essence, they were falling somewhere between us.
I called it torture.
First Son almost set down when he finally stopped. His hair was a mess and for some reason, his hands were shaking. Terra's singers mindfully started to go back, but he didn't hurry up.
"I will fill in bottles from the waterfall above. Will you go with me?" he said quietly.
"I will," I responded eagerly.
He was walking up fast as if we didn't have 8 hours of work behind us.
And when we got there, he was still silent. Filling in the bottles, his anxiety was filling me too.
"They were doing it for ages, gathering stones to build their shrines, dying and turning into stones that will be turned to shrines. Shrines for the gods of stones."
He stepped to the water letting it soak his head and flow over his back. It was so narrow there. Just falling water, path, and dark grey wall of rocks.
I allowed myself to stand near him and stretch my hand to the falling water. It was freezingly cold, just as his mind hiding from me.
"Please just tell me what is bothering you," I whispered irritated.
Another minute.
"Just tell me."
"How did he die?" he asked finally.
"Who?"
"Finn."
I frowned.
"Our ship fell on the surface of Granta. I was able to get out, he didn't. That is where I got that scar."
"But you haven't fixed it? You could have asked to erase it from your skin for good."
"I didn't want to."
"Why?"
"Why are we talking about it?!" I raised my tone. The memory was showing its ugly head.
"Because Kylo could have stopped all of it then."
"In the throne room?"
"Yes."
"Kylo could have, but he didn't. What's the sense in talking about it now?"
He took my hand knowing that I am ready to take off.
"How painful was it?"
I almost roared and tried to leave, but he pinned me to the smoked wall of stones.
Anger was boiling in me as it shouldn't be, cold water soaking my hand was sending my body into spasms.
Why? Why….
I knew why. Standing next to the uncomfortable freezing stones of the rock, I knew why he wanted to know.
"You don't get to feel…"
But it was too late. His fingers were stroking the uneven ugly scar and even though horniness was making me anxious, I already dreaded sliding fear.
Suffocation…
He pressed me harder to the rocks and I wondered if I can break the metallic plates of his shoulder if I can pull out his mechanic eye if I can crush into his lips…
I was in flames and terror was shaking me. Is this how we die?
I tried to save grip on light, but it was …. useless.
Skin melting feeling… I wanted to breathe so badly…
Gasp...
"You know I only checked on him in 10-15 minutes. I struggled with my burns before I even remembered about him… Maybe I would have saved…"
He shook his head and the wall of his mind started to fall. His mind in my mind, his thoughts in my thoughts.
I wish he just wanted me… I wish he would take what I was offering.
Distorted vision of Finn's body send me into hysterics and I screamed into his shoulder.
His emotions are mine, mine are his.
"I know," he said stating everything I could no longer tell him, seeing it with my eyes.
"No, you don't… " my fingers left dents in his mechanic shoulder.
I raised my eyes full of tears. How dare he torture me again? To force me to relive this again? Even if his eyes are as soft as they are, if his hands soothe my hair.
"You have no right…You never had the right to kill all those people and let them kill Finn. If you just left with me in that throne room, he may have lived, had kids, grew old… I wouldn't hate myself for letting him… burn, to feel his melting skin on my hands. It is all your fault! You are … a monster" I whispered. And it was as true as ever.
Through my pain, I was vengefully glad to pin needles into his thoughts, to push these words inside of him, to let them kill him as they were killing me.
My hands circled over his chest, the one that I still want kiss even though I hated him so much. Lust never had such a poisonous taste.
It was disgusting…
It was all I wanted.
So I didn't mind when he embraced me, when grip over my ribs ached so much that I wanted to punch him. Pain is better than this lust.
My scream. The ship was entering the atmosphere, there was no hope in getting it safely on the ground. Finn's face is full of fear, it is the last time I see him alive.
"My fault…" he echoed," Maybe it is just another memory that I want to add to my list."
His wish was coming true, because I could not have stopped the visions in my head even if I wanted to.
… I wanted to breathe so badly. I didn't care for anything else. I just wanted to breathe…
"I thought that Kylo died," I commented spitefully, "but I can see him in your eyes."
He was silent again, but I didn't need his answer. I saw his facade and it was all in pathetic cracks. How, oh Force, he was able to bring all those revelations in me? Or was it truly him who did it?
I pushed him slightly and managed to get out. His eyes were empty and I felt him falling into that pit of self-loathing.
So I took another step and another, until I turned my back on him, pushing the memory of the burnt Finn's body out of my mind.
I was almost flying when I headed back.
Finally all of a sudden, it was so easy: grab my lightsaber and my coat and take a direction to the ship.
Steps were lightweight as if I weighed nothing on this forsaken planet. When I saw the ship, it still felt easy.
Easy to leave all of this…
Let him rot on this planet and move these boulders from place to place.
Let him regret, let him burn… like I did.
I shivered. As if I understood one more reason why I wanted to stay here.
Was it a revenge, dear?
Was it?
Among all that sentimental bullshit and your horny desires, was there anything about revenge?
And if so…I succeeded, didn't I?
My ship looked like a toy in this strange world and when I saw it closely, my satisfaction drained itself.
I succeeded right? Right?!
So why this bond was still torturing me?
I pressed myself gently to blue sheathing and put cloth over the ship back.
I was not done here.