Chapter 21
Pandora
They had rode back to Boomtown slumped together in the back of the Tecnical and when they arrived, had split up, to resupply, rehydrate and in Gaige's case, to send a message off to Sanctuary. Which was how Artemis found herself sitting alone on an old couch in the shade.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey shorty, hey, hey, hey shorty" suddenly came from behind her, as she slowly turned, she saw Tina leaning forward hopping from one foot to the other, knees together, toes pointed inward behind her. "Sup. Gaigey girl's over there. Go gogogogo."
Artemis wandered over to where Tina had indicated to find Gaige sitting looking out over the
desolate wastes.
"Hey" was the best she could manage
"Hey yourself, how you doin?"
"Had some really nasty coffee, or maybe it was engine stripper, but I'm a bit more alert now, other than that I'm restocked and ready to go whenever. You?"
"Yeah that coffee is bad. Have a seat, we need to talk."
"I was afraid of that." She muttered while plopping down in the dirt next to Gaige
Gaige stared at her, then turned and looked out over the expanse for a moment, then back at her in silence.
"Well? Not that I want a dressing down, but what'd you want to talk about?"
"I…don't know where to start." Gaige replied in a small voice.
"Well just start somewhere and I'm sure that the conversation will wind its way past most of what you wanted to say."
"What?"
"It's something I read once, speaking of which, I want to apologize again for what I said, on Jaka."
"You already" she stopped as Artemis raised her hand.
"No, well yes, I mean I did, but what I'm trying to say, and what I was trying to say, well it was also something I read a long time ago, what I was trying to get at on Jaka I mean. I don't remember it exactly but it was something like 'The most difficult part of growing up is in the sacrifices you make. Every choice is the loss of something else, a path not taken, a friend not made, you don't know what is down the road not taken. But the hardest part is to make the choice that will lead you to the you that you want to be without sacrificing the you that makes you who you are' or something like that."
"So you're saying that I sacrificed the me that I was?"
"Not entirely, I mean I didn't say it quite right, there was more of an implication to the sacrifices, like they were things you had to give up with each choice or something. You know, like you became a wedding planner and in doing so gave up other life options, maybe you would have taken another job and met someone else and been happy with them or something. I became a hunter instead of, I donno, an engineer or something. It's more about that, making sure that the option not taken isn't the one that keeps you, you, or something like that. But anyway, I don't think that you stop being you if you choose wrong, I think you can find your way back, you just have to know that you've stepped off the right path or whatever."
"And that's what you were trying to do, lead me back to the path?"
"No, well maybe, but when you say it, it does sound kinda presum presom"
"Presumptuous?"
"Yeah that sounds right, presumptuous, I guess what I wished I was trying to do, is to show you, no that's not it, let you know you seemed to be losing yourself down the wrong path and at best help you see where your path used to be."
"That's pretty heavy stuff."
"And that's why I failed so spectacularly.'
"Well, you succeeded in the end, so not a complete failure. Honestly? I think I'm kinda glad for all that. Not what you said, or were trying to, it's just that I think that was the first time you really talked to me. I mean it always felt like you were tiptoeing around me, or like you were holding me up to this idolized version of me. But that, that felt like you were finally talking to me, not the past me, but the current me, even if what you were saying was how messed up I'd become, and you weren't wrong, much as I hate admitting that, you weren't. And in the end, I guess that did help me more than any amount of sweet talking would have. I mean, I ain't there yet, but I think I feel a bit more like the old me, and I can't say that it's a bad feeling."
"So you were able to find a way out of your own way in the end."
"But if you were trying to help lead me back to myself, why did you try and kill yourself back there?"
"I told you, I was sure that I could handle it."
"And what if you couldn't? You also said that if something went wrong you wanted at least me to live, right?"
"Well yeah."
"So you considered that you might die, and you were willing to sacrifice yourself for me."
"Well something could always go wrong, and if one of us could live, it should be you."
"Why would you say that?"
"If you die, your dad will be sad, and your mom, and all these people" She made a gesture towards Boomtown "and the people on Sanctuary, and probably a lot more, oh and Hammerlock and Wainwright. They'll also be sad. But me? No one will be sad."
"What the crap? I'll be sad. Don't I count?"
"Really? But that said, I'd also be sad if you died, so one counterbalances one, more people would be sad if you died. Besides who'd take care of Deathtrap?"
"You leave him out of this, and just cause more people would be sad if I died, doesn't mean you can sacrifice yourself! Did you think about how that'd feel? How would I feel if you died for me? How rotten that would make me feel? Having to carry that with me? How would you feel if I died for you?"
"I guess that would suck."
"Exactly, everyone seems to think that it's all noble and shit to sacrifice yourself to save someone, but what about how they feel. I mean, hell, I didn't think about it before, not until that gate closed, and I was furious, that and scared. I mean, same with Deathtrap, if he died for me, I'd be devastated, heartbroken. I wouldn't know how to keep going. It's not noble, it's greedy."
"Sorry, but like I said, I planned on winning. It's not like I want to die either."
"I thought about that a lot on the way back here, and I can honestly say that you fought like you did, like you didn't care how hurt you got or if you lived or not."
"Yeah, I get that, really I do, but there's a story behind that. Hammerlock, sorry Sir Hammerlock told me that I should tell it to you, I just didn't have the right time, but here goes, and just so you know this is the abrig… shortened version, I'll tell you a longer more fleshed out one later if you want."
"I was on this ice planet, cold as hell, well it was a moon actually, but that's not important. But anyways I was there for a hunt. And I'm going across this freezing ice ball, when I fell through the surface, and I mean fell. Went down like at least a hundred feet in total. Not all at once mind, I hit these tunnels and slid and bounced down. Broke my gun and my leg, my good one, the non-cybernetic one. Anyway, I land in a pile in the middle of a nest of these things, the things I was hunting, and I realize I've got no way out. I'm injured, lacking in firepower and in the middle of their nest, and I realize I'm about to die, in the middle of nowhere, and I'm all alone. And what scares me, I mean really truly scares me, is not that I'm about to die, well not just that, that'll happen eventually, not that I want to, die I mean. Anyway, what really scares me is that no one will know. There won't be a search party, no one will find my ship, no one will find my body, no one will mourn. But what really gets me is that no one will even know I'm gone. I'll just vanish. I'll be gone. That's it. Just poof, no more me. And nothing and no one will be any different. No one will ever even know that I lived.
"Anyway I manage to get out, willpower and shit, but that night, I have trouble sleeping. And I usually sleep well, but I keep waking up in a cold sweat. And the next night. And the next. And then I go on a hunt and I nearly die. Not because I was hunting out of my class, it was an easy prey, easy hunt. No, it was that for the first time, I was scared of dying, of vanishing, and it overshadowed everything, like a cloud in my brain, so I held myself back, and it nearly cost me my life. But I kept hunting, and eventually I started throwing myself at the hunt, started fighting like I didn't care if I lived. Let myself go blank, and made myself not hold anything back. It was the was the only way I found to survive
"It's not like I stopped being scared, the truth is, deep down, I've been scared ever since. Until I met you, and then I knew, someone would remember me, even if it was just in passing. And that's why I fight like that, not because I want to die, but because it's the only way I can live."
She hung her head, exuding loneliness. Gaige sat stunned before quietly asking "But you fought some legendary monster, didn't you? You found a Vault key and killed a Guardian, and you're still scared after that?"
"I fought them to try and prove to myself that I wasn't scared. Didn't work, in fact, I was kind grateful to them, because it gave me an excuse to not go hunting for a little while and not feel like I was running away. Truth is, on lonely nights, in my most, well, let's call them honest thoughts, I've actually been considering a change of career. Silly right?"
Gaige looked at the other girl for a second and then started laughing, slow and soft, and when the other girl flinched slightly, she spoke up "Ah, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because of me. I can't believe I was afraid to tell you this but, I was thinking of at least taking a break from being a wedding planner, if not quitting outright. I mean, I even canceled the introductory meeting for the next job I had scheduled. The truth is, I've been thinking about it for a while now actually, I just didn't think you'd like it."
"Why would I dislike it? If you don't want to do something, don't do it. Like I've said before, you be you, and don't let yourself get in the way of that."
"Now I feel like a proper fool, I really thought you'd be mad. I mean I drug you to Talion because of my job. I mean, I used it as an excuse, made this big deal about my reputation and all, and here I was thinking of quitting. And then you got yourself hurt, and I felt like an even bigger, I donno, idiot? But I felt like 'if I quit now, all that will be for nothing' so I said nothing. Wainwright was right, I should've just told you."
"It wasn't for nothing. We found out about those EMP things, which I'm sure Holloway will bring at us the next time we face his goons. Oh, and I also learned how to dance. So no, not for nothing, and I'm not mad."
"Now I really feel like an idiot for not saying something earlier."
"Well to be fair, we weren't talking earlier. What're you gonna do, I mean if you quit?"
"That's just it, I don't know. That's why I haven't quit yet to be honest. I needed money to keep moving, and I mean I thought about it, ECHO host, or pastier, or something, I just…"
"Yeah, same for me, I kinda fell into the hunting thing, so I never really had to think about it before."
"What'd you wanna be when you were a kid?"
"I…don't rightly remember."
"I always wanted to be a mechanical engineer."
"So why don't you?"
"I did, I enjoyed the engineering part, but it was sooooo boring. I mean it was really, really boring. No getting out and killing people, just sitting there working, I was going nuts so I quit. Well that and my boss was a complete tool."
"Hmm, well you've got plenty of time to think about this when this is all over."
"Yeah."
They lapsed into silence, but a comfortable one.
Eventually Artemis broke the silence "So once this is over you gonna move back in with your parents?"
"No, but I really want to go see them, I mean it's almost been a decade, geez time flies. When was the last time you went and saw yours?"
"Right before the accident."
"Oh I'm so sorry I didn't…"
"It's alright, you didn't know."
"Can I, would it be alright if I asked…"
"What happened? Traffic accident, nothing special, happens a million times every day across the galaxy."
Gaige placed an arm around Artemis's shoulder. "Well I'm glad you survived, and I'm glad I got to meet you."
"Thanks, I owed you."
"For what? You're the one who kept saving me."
"You know, this is gonna be hard, I don't think I was, well, totally honest or clear or something when we first met, but well, you saved my life. I think that was the real reason I was willing to sacrifice it for you."
Gaige looked at her with a confused expression.
Artemis let out a sigh and continued in a bit of a distant voice while staring at her mechanical hand, wiggling the fingers slowly "I've always known that I was, well, ugly, a monster. And it's not just the scars, not the ones on the outside. But me, the me deep down, the real me, I always knew there was something not right about it. And then things got worse, I got into that accident. It wasn't like it was my fault, I was sleeping in the back when it happened, but I was the only one who lived. So right after the accident, I was…I was in a dark place. I mean really dark. I'd given up, didn't care. I'd lost my parents, I'd lost my arm, I'd lost my leg to stand on. And I was finally as ugly on the outside as I was on the in.
"So I was just lying there wasting away, like I was just waiting for death to find me too. Like somehow it had missed me at the accident and would be coming back to correct its mistake. About all I could do was lay there and listen to ECHO casts and feel further and further away from humanity. I mean have you ever listened to the ECHO casts out there? It's a depressing place filled with people telling you how great their lives are, about all the wonderful things happening to them, all the things I'd never have again. Or they whined about things, things they didn't get, about how life wasn't fair, and I didn't see a point in getting back out to that world.
"Then I found you, a girl who, while you had things, a loving family, a stable life, you had problems, not insurmountable ones, but real ones, and you talked about them. That's what I liked, you were real, you weren't pretending to be like everyone else. You knew what you wanted, and even when something bad happened, you talked about it. Small things, at least compared to all the other ECHO casters out there, but important things. Things that made you, well, you. Fights and bully's and your day at school. A trip you took or a test you had. Small things on a cosmic scale, but normal things, and more important, you didn't let them get you down. Or maybe it was that I could hear them weighing on you, but that you were trying to fight back against it, to keep moving forward.
"And before I knew it, I was wanting to hear what happened next. It might sound stupid, caring about the mundane life of someone I'd never met, but it got me out of my own head. And then I started looking forward to the next day, the next cast, and before I knew it, I stopped thinking in the dark. You talked about mechanics and I realized that I didn't need to wait for the world to pick me up. That I could find my own way, I could make my own way. And I started studying and before long I had made my own arm, and then a new leg to stand on. And you gave those to me. Inadvertently maybe, but still, I would have died in that bed if not for you. So I thought if my life could help yours, well then I was living on time you gave me anyway.
"I think that was why when I met you I, well I wasn't disappointed, in fact I was a bit relieved, relieved that you were still just a person, a real person, but I think I saw something in you. Something of the old me. Something lost and adrift and that had somehow misplaced what made you you. I think that's why I said something when it wasn't my place. I think it was actually because I saw that you didn't have anyone to point you back to the path, to tell you when you were giving up, when you were losing the wrong thing. I mean you had Deathtrap and he was trying, but sometimes it can be hard to see something when you're too close, and often harder to say something.
"I realize that I was wrong, about a lot of things, but I don't think I was entirely wrong for trying to get you back to you, no that's wrong as well, I was trying to get you to be happy. That's all I really wanted. Not to change you into some idealized version of you. Not to ridicule you. I just wanted you to be happy being you, to smile each day, to enjoy your time. And to maybe, just share a little of it with you."
She fell silent, seeming to have run herself out. Gaige sat stunned. Slowly she wrapped her other arm around her and gave her an honest hug. She felt Artemis stiffen, unused to being touched and than relax, relax more then she probably had in half a lifetime. "I'm glad you found me." she whispered, not caring if the other girl heard. "I'm sorry for all you had to go through. And I think you were right. About me that is. I don't think I've been happy, not really truly happy in a long time. And I couldn't see it, I had convinced myself for so long that things were as good as they could be, that I stopped looking past tomorrow, and lost myself in the, well rut of it all."
She let the other girl go and sat back, one arm still draped over her shoulder "Don't ruin this moment by falling asleep on me." she said with a smile.
"Don't worry about that."
"So do you feel better? Getting all that off your chest?"
"Actually, yeah I do. So what's next?"
"What you mean like…"
"I mean, after we hand off the artifact, and get past the Holloway deadline, what're you planning to do next? I mean, you'll be free, right? So what do you wanna do?"
"You know, it still seems unreal, I don't think it's sunk in yet. Free. I mean I've always been free, I went where I wanted, did what I wanted, but to not have to look over my shoulder? I'll need to see that to believe it. So what'll I do? I don't know."
"Surely you've got some idea."
"Oh I've got a list of things in the back of my brain, but I feel that if I say them, they somehow won't come true. Damn it, Wainwright got to me."
"Huh?"
"Oh just some superstitious mumbo jumbo he was on about."
"Ah well better safe than sorry."
"True, so what about you? What'll you do once you're free of me?"
She couldn't fail to notice the twitch that ran through the girl before she answered in a sad, distant voice "I hadn't thought about that, it's almost a depressing thought, I mean I kinda got used to another person on board. Hmm"
"Well I don't know about you, but I could go for a drink to help lubricate my mind."
She caught the slightly disappointed look from Artemis "What? I promise, just one and you said you'd join me for one if we got out of there, and we did."
"OK, yes I did say that I'd join you for a drink when this was over, but I meant when it was all over. That and I'm beat. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a week."
"Alright, I'll give you a pass for tonight. It's been one hell of a day and I'm tired too, but you're sleeping on the bed tonight."
"What? I can't, I gave it to you."
"You can sleep with me." She paused and looked at the other girl's face rapidly coloring and
realized what she'd just said sounded like "I meant next to each other, not with each other, that
bed is big enough to fit like three people on it, stupid language." She fumbled feeling her own face reddening. She cleared her throat and tried shift focus "But you're making hot cocoa when we get
back to the ship."
"I thought you were too old for that?" Artemis replied in a mocking tone.
"I've learned that you're never too old for hot cocoa. Besides, weren't you the one who's always telling me to be true to myself? And myself is telling me that I want hot cocoa."
"I've created a monster." Artemis said with a laugh.
Right then they heard a soft crunch of dirt under a boot, and quickly turned to find themselves staring back at Tina and the rest of B Team peaking around the corner.
"Way to go Mordi." Tina spun to chastise the surprised sniper.
"What'd I do?"
"They were having a moment and you wrecked it."
"But that wasn't me."
"They. Were. Having. A. Moment. Mordi." Tina fumed into his face causing him to take a step back.
"I didn't do anything."
"Shut it Mordi, don't try and talk your way out of this."
"Yeah Mordi" Brick chimed in while sliding a step back making a crunching noise while he did.
"Briiiick" Tina said while turning slowly towards him "Was that you?"
"Uh, no?"
"Whyyyyyhhhyyyy?" She let out a ridiculously long whine at the big man.
"Um" Gaige piped in "I don't know what you think you saw or when you got here, but we were about done anyway, I think."
"Yep."
"So what'd you guys want? Other than to try and overhear something that wasn't there."
Mordecai turned away from Tina and her fuming and said "Oh yeah, we got a reply from Sanctuary. They"
"Damn it Mordi I was gonna tell them." Tina whipped around on him.
"Hey sorry, but I think it was Brick's turn anyway."
"And what, you thought you'd just take it from him? Hmmm? Is that what you thought? Is it? Is it? Well? Well? Huh? Is it? Speak up."
"Jeez Ti"
"SHUT UP MORDI!"
"Ha ha" Brick started laughing at the antics of his friends, before turning to the two girls who obviously didn't know how to respond to what they were seeing "It's my turn to talk? HELL YEAH! So as Mordi said, Sanctuary got us. They gonna meet you on Feno Phena."
"Brick you gotta tell them the rest of it man." Mordecai said over Tina's head.
"Wha? Oh yeah, just before midnight Tuesday. Moliki Plaza? Something like that."
"Come on man, Metro Link Plaza, Torin City at 11:50 at night."
"Yeah that's it."
"Mordi, you didn't let Brick have his moment."
"I just helped him out, right man?"
"Yeah, it's all good Tina, oh sorry, Crunk Bunny."
"Brick…you don't havva call me that, in the base, in front of our peeps."
"Right, ha ha."
The two girls looked at each other before Gaige turned "11:50 Metro Link Plaza, Torin City Feno Phena? Got it." She said typing it into her ECHO. "Well we should be getting back."
"Aw you're leaving already?" Tina turned to them "Do you know how hard it is to find someone to talk to? I was hoping to get some 'girl time' but no, I see you have places to be" She had shifted into a pompous voice like she was pretending to be a queen, or at least what she thought one would sound like "Yes, places to be, people to kill, don't worry about Tina, she has Enrique the fourth to keep her company. So off with you."
Gaige smiled "See you around Tina."
"Totes lates girly, and you, yes you shorty, you fine, but next time, you come here, you bring cupcakes you feel me, CUPCAKES! And not them nasty ass ones, ya got me? Go, keep an eye on her badonka-donks an make sure they don't get badonka-donked aieght?"
"Good seeing you again" Mordecai said from the back before turning to Artemis "Next time, let's have a sniper challenge, put our guns on the line."
"No thanks, I wanna keep mine."
Mordecai laughed softly "Good call"
"Bye Slab. Hell yeah, you keep kicking ass" Brick seemed to remember something and pulled the giant buzz ax off his back and handed it to Artemis "You woulda made a fine Slab, even if you are tiny."
Artemis took the ax with a confused look "Uh, thanks. I think?"
Gaige leaned in and whispered "Slabs where his gang, I had to take the initiation to get him on our side back when I was first here. I mean when I was here as a Vault Hunter."
"Ah"
With a final wave the girls left leaving the members of B-Team standing there.
"Aw shoot" Tina suddenly yelled "I forgot."
"What? What is it?" Mordecai looked around.
"I should have asked them if they wanted to play 'Bunkers and Badasses'. What? I need some
more players."