A/N: This idea just popped into my head, out of nowhere, so now I am fleshing it out. Sorry to you guys who have been looking for a sequel to Coming home, I had one main idea with it, and then nothing, So I am writing this and hoping my muse will help me along with the sequel next. So this is A/U for sure. I know this has been done a million times, but this is a what-if Elliot reached out to Olivia throughout the years. This is just 2 chapters. I hope you enjoy and review it.
Olivia Benson had looked down at her collection of letters and laughed. It felt like she was a military wife, only she couldn't write back. It had been 6 months since she got the last letter, not an uncommon occurrence, but it made her nervous. It was late, and she should be in bed, but she was reading the letters from the beginning.
November 5th, 2011
Hey Liv,
I am sure you've tried to call and text and maybe even sent me a letter at home. I asked this to be sent to you ASAP, but I don't know when that will be. I have to admit I had a breakdown after the shooting. I realized then how much work was about coming to see you, and not taking down the bad guys. I realize now how much I stifled your growth and mine in the last few years. I hope you can forgive me like I am learning to forgive myself. The FBI came knocking on my door after I sent in my retirement papers, asking me to go undercover. Kathy told me I had to choose between her or the work, but once I was told what it was, I couldn't say no, and of course, she doesn't understand. The divorce is already official, and I am nervous about never seeing Eli grow up, but I've come to realize I need to do things for me. I love that little boy more than words can express but, I can't be everything to everyone, so I am starting with myself. I won't be in New York for a while. I am going deep. I will write when I can. I have no way of getting mail from you, so you're just going to have to rely on me sending you updates to know I am okay. I should have talked to you first. I can't apologize enough. I miss you, I love you,
Elliot.
Olivia opened the next letter.
January 12th, 2012
Dear Olivia,
Hope your New Year is going better than mine. I feel like this was way more than I bargained for, and I didn't think I'd get attached so fast. I am living this crazy life that I never could have imagined. I feel like a sell-out. I wish you could see this place. You would laugh, until you saw the massive tub in the middle of the master bedroom, yep the bedroom! It's beautiful, and for the first weekend, before I was officially playing the game, so to speak, I sat in it for hours. I think about you just as much as I do the kids. I send them letters to you know just so they know dad's okay. I hope that you and the kids can understand why did what I did. I don't have regrets yet, but it's a lot more than I thought it would entail, and I think this is going to test my faith more than anything at SVU, so I hope you know that's saying a lot. I haven't made any friends, hard to do so when I am living the lifestyle right now. Thoughts of you and what you are up to has kept me going. I have all these stories in my head. I hope you're happy. I hope your new partner is 1000 times better than me. I know you still are wearing the pants too. Tell your partner I'll kick their ass if something happens to you. I miss you, Liv.
Love,
El.
Olivia had read these so many times, but it almost felt like she was reading them for the first time all over again.
March 10th, 2012
Dear Olivia
I wish I could tell you everything, I wish you knew what I was doing. I know you'd support it 100%. I have finally made a new friend, who I have been able to talk to well, as who I am pretending to be, and they seem pretty decent. It's hard to keep the back story in your mind when all you can think about is home. I wish I had more to say, but just know I am thinking about you, and I miss you.
Love,
Elliot
July 6th, 2012
Dear Liv,
Sorry if I worried you without a letter in so long. I am in deep now, and it feels surreal. I feel like I am in this dream, I can't wake up from, and when I finally do, everything will have changed. I imagine you still doing what you're doing and getting the perps off the street. I worry that you'll get hurt, and I won't know. I feel like I'm losing you, Liv. I've really been re-examining my life, and I have found after all this time that you've been the most significant influence in my life. I can't believe that it's been so long since seeing your face. I wonder if you'd even recognize me now, I feel like such a different person. I hope that life has been kind to you and that all is going well. I realized I wasn't the easiest to deal with, and I hope your new partner is better than I ever was. I can't wait to see you again. I hope that all your dreams are coming true. I haven't been meeting as much, so letters may be less frequent, but know I'm thinking about you.
Love,
Elliot.
Olivia wondered if this letter was some cosmic way of warning her of the future that was to come. When Elliot wrote this, it was well before Lewis, but Olivia wondered if Elliot just had a bad feeling of things to come for her.
November 15th, 2012
Olivia,
Damn, the upcoming Holidays are really hitting me hard, and it's been almost a year since I've agreed to this. I've barely gotten any updates about my family. Kathy knows how to get in contact, and she hardly makes an effort. I wish I could afford you the same convenience. I want you to know that I really miss you and I am really missing home, New York, in general. I hope to be there sooner rather than later, it seems that they may not need my services for much longer, and I may be able to come home. I really hope you're not mad at me. I hope that we can still be friends. Everything around me seems to be coming together in this strange new life, but I'd be okay with my old life falling apart around me as long as I got to see you and my kids. I know I hurt you, and it's something I live with every day. I hope you've forgiven me. I miss you. I don't know when I can write again, so Merry Christmas, Liv, I hope your Christmas wish comes true.
Love,
Elliot
Olivia remembered the first time she read this letter, and her Christmas wish was that Elliot Stabler knocked on her door. It didn't come true. This was the last letter she had gotten for a long time. She feared the worst and even got a hold of a contact, making sure he wasn't dead. She found out he was alive and well and waited for the next letter to come. Life moved on. Her relationship with Brian was going well. She knew Elliot would cringe about that, but she had to move on too with or without Elliot Stabler. No one knew of the exchange, a secret she kept to herself, even from her closest friends.
May 10th, 2013
My contact told me you were fearful the worst had happened. I assure you if it does, you will be promptly notified. I know it's been 6 months since I have had the last contact, and at that time, my whole life has changed once again. I was almost out Liv, It was actually planned I will be caught and put in prison and be home by new year's, but you know how it goes. I got trapped in this ring, and it's bigger than we ever imagined. I know you understand, and it seems like there is a lot more for me to do now. I hope you can realize that this was for the greater good. Kathy has all but forgotten about me, Maureen seems to be the new writer for the family, and I am getting updates when I check-in. Apparently, everyone is doing okay without me, and Maureen assures me that she and the rest of the kids understand. I really hope they can forgive me. I am done after this. I am retiring and never looking back. I hope you are doing well. Please don't ever think I have forgotten about you; I never will.
Love,
Elliot.
Olivia usually skipped the next letter it lead her to overthink of William Lewis, but she couldn't remember the message anymore. She had blocked it out of her mind, so with a deep breath, she decided to open it, knowing that tears would flow.
October 15th, 2013
Dear Olivia.
I heard what happened. I don't know what to say. You have to believe me when I begged for an emergency out to get to you to see you. I feel so horrible not being there for you. I wish I knew that you had someone on your side. I know that the rest of the squad is making sure you're okay. I hope you have someone more that can get you through this. If I could, I would be there now, making sure you're okay and doing anything I could to help you. I feel sick, not being there for you. I want you to get help in every way possible. I know what you're thinking, and though circumstances change, you are still Olivia Benson, and you can do anything you want. I love you more than you'll ever know. Don't let him get to you. Fight him with everything you got. I hope you know if I was there, he would be dead, it doesn't matter. I hope to see him rot. No matter what you're doing the right thing, you can do this. Take care of yourself, Liv. Don't worry about me, you'll see me soon enough. I can't wait to see your face again. Please don't be closed off to those around you. They love you and want what's best. Go kick ass, Olivia.
Love,
El.
Olivia gave herself a chance to breathe before moving on to the next one.
March 10th, 2014
Dear Olivia
I feel like such a horrible person, I didn't find out recently about all the details. You're my hero, and I am not joking. I wish I could hold you in my arms for my sake. I am so sorry to miss all of this, and I understand if you never want to speak to me again. I am going to keep writing, though, and if you're going to throw every letter out, I don't blame you. I miss you, but I understand if you no longer care about me if it's been too long, I understand. The kids thought I'd be home by now, I thought I'd be home by now. I hope you can forgive me. I still love you, Olivia, and I'll never stop.
Love,
Elliot.
Olivia shook her head. She could never stop loving him either. She can't say she romantically loves him. She couldn't deny she had wondered about the way he kissed or the way he would hold her in his arms, but he was married, he had kids, and even when he was separated, she chose to pull away. She wished she didn't, but then he wouldn't have Eli, and despite not seeing the boy in years, she still loved him just as she did each one of Elliot's kids. She wished she could contact him. She knew if she was desperate enough, she could track down Maureen, but she wouldn't do that, not to his kids.
June 14th, 2014
Hey Liv,
I have good news there has been a development, and although I am going to be here a while longer, it looks like the end is in sight. I haven't told the kids because I don't want to get their hopes up. I know it could be 2 more weeks or 2 more years. We've been looking at a vast ring involved with anything you can think of, and we finally got real evidence to take the ring leader down. Of course, there are other people to follow, and I got keep appearances. This will make the news sooner rather than later. I hope when everything clicks in your head, you don't think that I've done the worst things to get the information. I did what I needed to do, but I promise I never hurt a kid. I hope you can understand. I know that there will be a lot to explain when the time comes, I hope you still trust me. I need you to trust me. I write this hoping you haven't thrown this away. I need you, Olivia, now more than ever. I wish I could see you and my kids more than anything. I hope the end is in sight. I can't believe that it's already been so long without you. I miss you, and I know that so many things have happened since I've been gone. I hope you have someone who cares about you Liv, I love you, and I miss you. I can't wait to see you.
Love
Elliot.
That letter had been 11 months ago, and there was only one more letter after that sent 6 months ago, almost 7, and Olivia wondered what had happened. She had seen it on the news that she thought Elliot may have been involved in. The FBI took down 23 members of a crime syndicate known to exploit kids and women. Olivia didn't want to know what Elliot had to do to get in with those people. She knew from the letter 11 months ago that things were rough for Elliot. She said he didn't harm any kids, but what did he have to do to himself. She sighed worriedly about the man's well being. Now Olivia moved on to the last letter.
November 1st, 2014
Dear Olivia,
I have been held up testifying, going through so much stuff I can't come back until I know for a fact that I can make a safe return home without being followed. It's going to take a while, and I am going to be moved 100 times before I am back just to make sure no one is on my tail. I will be there when I can, and I hope we can catch up. Don't be mad when I can't talk about a lot. I just found out Maureen is getting married next fall, and I promised I would be there to walk her down the aisle. I can't believe my baby is getting married. I feel like I've wasted so much time here, and I am never doing it again. I hope to see you in the next 6 months. I hope this finds you well. I hope your dreams are coming and true, and you're pulling your rank. I saw that promotion. I keep up with you more than you know. I miss you so much. I will see you soon.
Love Elliot.
Olivia closed her eyes, praying soon would be now. She would give anything for Elliot to knock on her door. She missed him, knew he would be there for her if he could. She changed into pajamas and went to sleep dreaming of Elliot Stabler.
The next morning Olivia got up and went into the office as usual. The day was filled with paperwork and follow-ups. She had forgotten all about her meeting with Barba when he came through and sat at her desk, waiting for her, she smiled.
"Jesus, I am so sorry, Barba," Olivia claimed.
"Just 3 hours late, so I decided to come to you," Rafael claimed.
"I am so sorry," Olivia claimed again.
"It's not a problem, I'm used to being stood up." Rafael smiles.
Olivia frowned at the statement, though.
"It's already 4:30!" Olivia squeaked.
"You have a date?" Rafael asks.
"No, but I promised Lucy I would be home by 5:30," Olivia claimed.
"Well, good thing paper moves. I'll tell you what, I have a few things I need to get done at the office. I'll meet you at your place, and I'll bring dinner. We'll work on it there." Barba claimed.
"You sure?" Olivia asked.
"Positive," Rafael claimed.
Olivia nodded and went back to work, signing some stuff and stopping at 5 to get home on time.
When Olivia made it through the door, she looked around. The place was spotless.
"Lucy, you didn't have to do all this!" Olivia claimed.
"It's fine. I just put away Noah's toys. He didn't nap until late, and he's still down. I think he laid down about 30 minutes ago." Lucy claimed.
Olivia nodded her head.
Rafael Barba knocked on Olivia's door, and she opened it. She had already changed out of work clothes and felt a little awkward in her sweats compared to his 3 piece suit.
"Come in, Noah will be up soon, but I promise he'll only be up a little bit before bedtime," Olivia claimed.
Rafael sighed, and right on cue, he heard the little boy shaking the crib.
Olivia smiled and walked off to get Noah.
Rafael had taken off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves.
"You're not in the office, Barba, you can take it off," Olivia claimed.
Rafael furrowed his eyebrows.
"So, you trying to get me to take my clothes off now?" Rafael asked.
Olivia laughed.
"You know what I mean, I probably have a pair of sweats that would fit if you want them," Olivia said matter of factly.
"I'm fine." Rafael insisted but did unbutton the button-up shirt leaving his undershirt exposed.
Olivia smiled.
"Noah, say hello to Uncle Rafa," Olivia claimed.
Rafael couldn't help but smile at Olivia and Noah.
"Hi Noah, you going to be eating some pizza with us?" Rafael asked.
Olivia smiled, giving Noah the tiniest bit of crust and sauce, Noah was obviously pleased, and Rafael couldn't help but laugh.
Olivia was right. By the time they had eaten and talked, caught up with each other, Noah was getting sleepy, rubbing his eyes, almost forcing himself to stay awake, reaching out for Rafael.
Rafael smiled and pulled Noah too him, he'd gotten more comfortable holding him, and Noah curled up in his arms and quickly fell asleep.
Rafael insists he lays Noah down for bed, and Olivia smiles.
"Thanks, for everything, Rafa," Olivia claimed.
Rafael looked at her strangely.
"I just went to lay him down, Liv," Rafael claimed.
Olivia bit her lip.
"Let's work on what you came here to work on, and then can I tell you something?" Olivia asked.
He looks a little concerned but nods his head. He hurries through the paperwork on a few cases making sure everything matched, up and ask her a few questions to prepare her for a trial she would be in a few days. It took about 3 hours, and the clock read at 9pm.
"So, what was it you wanted to talk about?" Rafael asked.
Olivia looked at the clock.
"It's getting late, Rafa, another time," Olivia stated.
Rafael looked at her.
"I've known you for a little while now something's wrong," Rafael admitted.
"Whatever it is, you know you can tell me anything," Rafael claimed.
"I know. I, you're going to think I'm crazy." Olivia laughed.
She had tears coming down her face.
"What is it?" Rafael asked.
He was concerned, holding her hand, pulling her to the couch.
"An old friend has been writing me, and I have no way to contact him back, he had seen the news with Lewis and hoped I had someone in my life who cared, and apologized profusely for not being here. I just realized the person he was hoping for was you." Olivia claimed.
Rafael looked at her like she was nuts.
"Liv, you're wonderful, and you have plenty of people who love and care for you. I'm just a drop in the bucket," Rafael claimed.
"Don't sell yourself short, Rafael, I promise you you're my best friend," Olivia claimed.
Rafael blushed.
"Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without you," Olivia claimed.
Rafael smiled.
"I'm glad to know you, Olivia Benson. We'll have plenty of years to be best friends." Rafael claimed.
Olivia smiled.
"I'll hold you to it, remember that next time when I'm trying to get a warrant," Olivia claimed.
"Come with the evidence, best friend," Rafael claimed.
Olivia smiled, and although Rafael wasn't a touchy-feely, the guy he hugged her close.
"Thanks, it's been a long time since I've felt that someone felt so highly of me," Rafael admitted.
Olivia squished the man a little more in her arms.
"It's getting late," Olivia noted.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Rafael claimed.
Olivia smiled.
"Have a good night," Olivia stated.
Rafael closed the door, and Olivia closed her eyes. She was happy to know that Rafael was by her side.