For me, it was kind of like going into the military or something. And anybody - any male - who has ever worked in a French kitchen knows what I am talking about when I say that. ~ Alton Brown
Chapter 13: Kitchen Nightmares
"Does tea sound good?" Shikamaru called from the kitchen.
Kabuto wasn't listening. Instead, he stared blankly into space, thinking- or rather, staring at nothing in particular, in a state of deep concentration. Kabuto wasn't trying to discover the meaning of life, or even the meaning of his life. Mostly, Kabuto was concentrating on not thinking about anything. He didn't want to think, because thinking brought back unwelcome memories, and the memories were making him angry. Kabuto was afraid of his anger. If he became angry, Shikamaru might suspect that the medication wasn't working. Kabuto didn't want to be drugged for his next session with Ibiki. Who knew what he might spill?
Sighing, Kabuto rubbed his face. Brooding wouldn't help things any, either. If Kabuto suddenly became reserved and withdrawn, that would be another indicator that maybe, just maybe, the medication was no longer taking effect. Shikamaru was a sharp kid- Kabuto should have requested someone like Chouji. Was Chouji a Chunin? Kabuto couldn't remember, which was a disturbing thought. Then again, perhaps Kakashi had never thought to mention anyone else's rank, and Kabuto was getting worked up about nothing. He seemed to be getting worked up about a lot of things- a sign that perhaps he was regaining his mind, his self- or at least the ability to think fully about situations.
Kabuto smiled. That would be a relief, to have his personality unsuppressed by the drug. It was working out of his system faster than he expected.
"Hey! Are you even awake in there?" Shikamaru shouted, sticking his head out of the kitchen door.
Kabuto turned his head slowly. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I asked if you were awake," Shikamaru snapped.
"Obviously," Kabuto said, frowning slightly.
"You weren't answering me," Shikamaru explained, stepping out of the kitchen with a tray.
"I wasn't? No, no, I suppose I wasn't," Kabuto murmured. "I was thinking."
"About whatever you and Ibiki talked about?" Shikamaru asked, sinking down on the opposite end of the couch.
"Mostly about things to help me forget entirely the conversation between Ibiki and myself," Kabuto replied.
"That bad?" Shikamaru prompted, handing Kabuto a teacup.
"No…well, maybe… yes," Kabuto finally admitted, deciding that if he pretended to open up to Shikamaru, maybe he wouldn't have to visit Ibiki quite so often.
"I'm sorry," Shikamaru said, sipping his own tea thoughtfully. "Did he get much out of you?"
"I'd rather not talk about it," Kabuto said quietly, forcing his voice to tighten.
Shikamaru glanced at him in concern. "That bad?"
"He got plenty out of me," Kabuto sighed, playing with his teacup.
"Either drink the tea or put it back," Shikamaru grumbled.
Kabuto sipped some of the tea. "It's good," he said.
"Thanks. I boiled the water myself," Shikamaru snorted. "What do you want for dinner?"
"Curry," Kabuto suggested, taking another sip of his tea.
Shikamaru scowled. "I don't know how to make that."
"What about Sukiyaki?" Kabuto asked, glancing over the rim of his teacup at the chunin.
"I was thinking more like something along the lines of instant ramen or onigiri," Shikamaru muttered.
Kabuto made a slight face, considering the options with distaste. "Onigiri, I suppose," he said after a moment, sighing.
"Don't do that!" Shikamaru snapped, plunking his empty teacup down on the tray and glaring at Kabuto.
"Do what?" Kabuto asked, setting his teacup down also and wondering what he'd done.
"Sigh," Shikamaru grumbled. "It's not like I know how to cook those things anyway, so why do you make me feel guilty about it?"
"It was not my intent to make you feel guilty," Kabuto apologized, "It's just that we've had ramen or onigiri almost every noon and evening for the past few days and I was hoping for some… variety."
"There has been variety! We had at least five different fillings for the onigiri, and at least six different flavors of instant ramen. Plus, we varied the fruits and vegetables that came with the meal, and didn't we do yakitori once?"
"Sukiyaki isn't any more difficult than yakitori," Kabuto protested. "And curry-"
"I'll go get some boil-in-the-bag curry," Shikamaru grumbled, standing and picking up the tray of now empty teacups.
Kabuto made another face.
"What? Now you don't like boil-in-the-bag?" Shikamaru demanded irritably.
"I can make curry," Kabuto volunteered, avoiding the question.
"I don't trust you with my knives," Shikamaru countered, rolling his eyes.
"You could do the cooking while I give you directions," Kabuto suggested.
"I don't know what ingredients to get," Shikamaru replied.
"I could come with you to get ingredients," Kabuto insisted.
"You really don't want ramen or onigiri?" Shikamaru tried one last time.
"I would prefer curry," Kabuto replied.
Shikamaru sighed gustily. "Fine. Get in the wheelchair. We're going to find curry ingredients."
Kabuto smiled.
"I said mince the garlic, not dice the garlic!" Kabuto complained, face palming. "Don't you know how to follow instructions?"
"What is mincing then?" Shikamaru demanded irritably, throwing his hands up in the air and glaring at Kabuto, who was reclining in one of the chairs at the kitchen table.
"Don't you have a garlic press?" Kabuto asked, straightening up slightly and glancing at the counters. "I thought everyone had a garlic press."
"What the heck is a garlic press?" Shikamaru demanded, waving the knife he'd been using to cut all the garlic cloves in half.
"Stir the meat, you're burning it," Kabuto ordered, pointing at the skillet, which was sizzling loud enough that he had to raise his voice to make himself heard. "A garlic press is… sort of like a nut cracker, except it has a hollow area with little holes in it, and a… a thing that fits into the hollow area to mince the garlic."
"Is it like a grater?" Shikamaru asked, jabbing the spatula in the pan and stirring the chicken around.
"It's like a grater in the same way that a serrated knife is like a buzz saw," Kabuto replied irritably. "No! A garlic press is a garlic press!"
"But I don't know what a garlic press is!" Shikamaru snapped, waving the spatula at Kabuto.
"I give up, just chop the garlic into miniscule pieces with the knife," Kabuto finally said, rolling his eyes.
"That's what I did!" Shikamaru retorted, pointing at the cutting board in disgust.
"Those pieces are the size of the end of my thumb," Kabuto countered. "That's not minced. Not in the slightest!"
Shikamaru scowled and poked at the chicken some more. "Do I put the onions in now?"
"NO! Finish the garlic!" Kabuto commanded, pointing at the cutting board.
Shikamaru attacked the garlic with ferocity, venting his frustration on the unwitting vegetable.
"Good," Kabuto said after about a minute. "Now put it in with the chicken and stir. Where's the coconut milk and the lemon grass?"
"The what and the who?" Shikamaru asked, glancing up from the meat.
Kabuto sighed, stood, and moved over to the counter, picking through the ingredients that Shikamaru had recently purchased. "Where's the soup base?"
"I have dashi," Shikamaru volunteered, moving for the cupboard.
"I don't want dashi, I want chicken broth," Kabuto retorted, giving up and opening a package of instant ramen to get at its flavor packet. "And fish sauce. And where did you put the shrimp?"
"I didn't get any shrimp," Shikamaru grumbled. "They were too expensive."
"Pity, but I guess they aren't really necessary," Kabuto decided after a moment. "You got the green curry paste?"
"Of course," Shikamaru said, wondering if he trusted Kabuto with the knives enough to just sneak out of the kitchen and let him finish the curry.
"Good. And you got some mild curry also, I hope?" Kabuto asked, digging in one of the shopping bags and pulling out bamboo shoots, fresh cilantro, a few mushrooms, and two carrots.
"No, why?" Shikamaru asked, deciding to stir the chicken again before Kabuto accused him of trying to burn their dinner.
Kabuto glanced at Shikamaru with an 'Are you really this dumb?' look on his face. "Oh, no reason in particular… Unless you like losing all sensation in your mouth for a week. This is Thai curry, you realize- which means that it's from Thailand, land of the hot peppers."
"I don't think I've ever heard it called 'Land of the Hot Peppers'," Shikamaru snorted. "You made that up!"
"It's an unofficial title," Kabuto retorted. "You didn't notice that the first ingredient in green curry is green chili peppers?"
"No," Shikamaru snapped. "Why didn't you tell me to get mild curry?"
"I assumed you'd have some here," Kabuto retorted. "You really don't have any mild chili powder?"
"No," Shikamaru repeated, stabbing at the chicken in disgust.
Kabuto grumbled and began opening cupboards until he found the spices. "Turmeric, lemongrass, cumin," he mumbled, thunking them on the counter. "Don't you have any ground coriander seed?"
"What's coriander seed?" Shikamaru asked.
"Cilantro seed," Kabuto offered, pulling out galangal powder and setting it next to the turmeric.
"… maybe," Shikamaru said. "I didn't exactly stock my own spice cupboard. Chouji did it for me."
"Why am I not surprised?" Kabuto asked himself, digging through the spices. "It looks like you haven't even opened half of these," he addressed Shikamaru, shaking his head in disgust.
"I don't know how to use them!" Shikamaru retorted. "I don't even know what they are!"
Kabuto sighed, and glanced at the chicken. "Add the coconut milk," he said. "Do you have any limes? I need some lime peel for my slapdash mild curry."
"What do I do with the coconut milk?" Shikamaru asked, confused.
"Take off the lid and pour it in the pan," Kabuto snapped, exasperated. "And here, take this and add it to some warm water."
"This is ramen flavor," Shikamaru said, frowning at it.
"Yes, chicken flavor, since you have no chicken soup base. This'll have to do. Now get it in the skillet already!" Kabuto snapped.
"Fine, fine," Shikamaru grumbled, taking the ramen packet and locating a bowl.
Kabuto rolled his eyes and began digging in the drawers for a can opener. "Where do you keep your can opener?"
"I don't know," Shikamaru confessed, mixing the chicken broth. "Why?"
"I need it to open the coconut milk," Kabuto explained.
"I'll just use a kunai," Shikamaru said, taking one and cutting the can of coconut milk open.
Kabuto dumped the coconut milk in the skillet, stirred it for a few seconds, then moved over to the sink.
"What are you doing?" Shikamaru asked, wondering what to do with the chicken broth.
"I'm rinsing out the can for the last of the coconut milk, and dumping the water in the skillet," Kabuto explained, dumping the coconut-milky water in the skillet.
"Oh. What do I do with the chicken broth?"
"Put it in the skillet!" Kabuto snapped, exasperated with Shikamaru's lack of skill in the kitchen. "Now, where's the green curry paste?"
"You know, I think this is the best curry I've ever tasted," Shikamaru said. "But I'm too tired to enjoy it."
"Oh please, it only took forty minutes," Kabuto retorted.
"This is way more work than yakitori," Shikamaru informed Kabuto.
"It's easier than making…" Kabuto thought for a moment. "Sushi," he finally decided. "It's easier than sushi."
"Yeah, which is why I let other people make sushi, and I buy it," Shikamaru replied.
"Be quiet and eat," Kabuto ordered, taking a bite himself.
Shikamaru shrugged and dug in.
"So," he said a few bites later, "You want to talk about something?"
"Like what?" Kabuto asked, glancing at him with slight suspicion.
"Not much, but I was just wondering-" Shikamaru began.
Kabuto scowled. "I already had a nice chat with Ibiki this morning, Shikamaru."
"I know, I was just wondering where you learned to cook," Shikamaru explained quickly, looking embarrassed. "Honest."
Kabuto blinked in surprise. "Really?"
"Yeah. So, where did you learn to cook?" Shikamaru asked, leaning forward slightly.
Kabuto frowned slightly. "I'm not really sure. I've cooked for myself since I was very young, because my father would get called out on missions frequently. I learned to fend for myself. And, as you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a food snob."
"A bit?" Shikamaru repeated, smirking. "More than a bit, I'd say…"
"So I learned to cook food right… or I'd throw it away," Kabuto confessed. "But not when my father was around. He didn't like it when I wasted food…"
"Not many people do," Shikamaru agreed.
"But if it isn't good…" Kabuto shrugged, taking a bite of the curry. "I mean, if you're going to go to the trouble of making a meal, make it a good meal."
"So did you cook a lot as a sound ninja?" Shikamaru asked, glancing at a bamboo shoot with suspicion before eating it.
"I'd like to see you make Orochimaru-sama cook his own dinner," Kabuto retorted.
"Good point," Shikamaru acquiesced, eyeballing a bit of carrot. "Didn't he have a cook?"
"Would you trust food from some random cook who might possibly be bribed by an enemy faction to assassinate you?" Kabuto asked Shikamaru pointedly, quirking an eyebrow upward and taking another bite of the curry.
Shikamaru blinked. "Um… I guess not."
Kabuto nodded shortly. "So I cooked a lot." Inwardly he scowled. It was frustrating, having to act perky when what he was feeling was precisely the opposite. But he couldn't risk Shikamaru discovering that he'd switched out the medication.
Shikamaru poked the curry. "So, can we have something else for dinner tomorrow?"
Kabuto smirked. "How about sukiyaki?"
Shikamaru shrugged as if he didn't care. "I guess we could pick up some ingredients," he offered generously. "So long as you do the cooking."
A/N: Do I detect bromance? No? No, sadly, not yet... ^_^ But hey, who knew Kabuto would be such a food critic? I certainly didn't until the last few chapters...
And if anyone wants my green curry recipe, feel free to ask. I'm not as snippish as Kabuto, but I do really love cooking. I also make maki sushi and nigiri sushi occasionally. I just recently figured out how to do those rolled omelets, and I also love making those inside-out rolls. I haven't dared to make any animal/character rolls yet, but I want to try someday. I also make a mean lasagna, and I don't mean to brag, but my Pad Thai's not bad either. (I learned how to make Pad Thai from a Thai exchange student, so the dish should be at least remotely authentic.)
Okay, for not bragging, that was a bit brag-ish. But I just really love cooking... ^_^
PS: Shout out to Chef Gordon Ramsay for the chapter title!