this would have been up sooner but I trapped a feral cat in my bathroom. Will not elaborate.
Lena's head was dully pounding when she woke up the next morning. At first there was the usual confusion that came with waking up in a strange place, but the moment she turned over and got a whiff of Kara's shampoo on the pillow it all came flooding back to her.
She sat up slowly, her body feeling heavy and sluggish because of a mild hangover that had decided to show up and fuck up her morning. If she were a smarter drunk, she would have downed more water the night before, but of the many things she was when she was drunk, overly intelligent was not one of them.
She had no idea of the time, and Kara had dark, blackout curtains covering her window, making it impossible to know the time of day because the room was almost as dark as it had been the night before. But she didn't want to turn on the lamp and abuse her sore eyes just yet, so she rolled out of bed and stumbled through the dark room until she found the door.
When she got into the hallway she went straight to the back of the house, to the kitchen. Kara was standing over the stove again, making what appeared to be French toast. It looked and smelled delicious, but Lena's stomach was unsettled from her night of drinking, and as sweet as it was for Kara to make her breakfast, she wasn't sure she'd be able to eat anything.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Kara said when she noticed her in the doorway, a smile appearing instantly. Lena noticed a pair of square glasses on her face this morning, and the sight of them caused her heart to skip a beat. They suited her. "You're just in time." Kara gestured to a plate on the counter, loaded with the pieces of French toast she'd already cooked. "I was starting to think I'd have to bring you a tray to bed."
Lena smiled despite the pain in her stomach. "Not sure I'll be able to keep it down," she said, looking to Kara apologetically. "I'm not feeling so hot."
Kara frowned, placing the spatula on the counter top and abandoning the stove to walk over to Lena, concern etched on her face. "What's wrong? Your head? Stomach?"
"Both," Lena said with a small nod, wincing soon after because it caused a surge of pain to shoot through her frontal lobe. "I think I may just have some coffee… And aspirin, if you have it."
Kara nodded as well. "If you go in the drawer in my bedside table, it should be in there."
Lena hesitated for a moment. "I don't want to go through your stuff." She knew she was given permission, but it still felt like an invasion to her.
"Okay, I'll get it," Kara said with a small chuckle. "Can you make sure the French toast doesn't burn?" She jutted her thumb over her shoulder to the stove.
"Uh, sure." Lena never cooked a day in her life and once almost started a fire with the microwave, but how hard could watching a slice of bread for thirty seconds be?
But then Kara wasn't back right away like Lena expected, and she could see smoke coming up from the underneath of the bread. She had no idea how long it had been on the pan, how long it needed to cook on each side. But she didn't want to embarrass herself by burning it, so she took in a deep breath and picked up the spatula.
When she flipped it, she was pleased to see that while the first side was a little on the darker side, it wasn't burned at least. There was no reason she should have been proud of that. After all, Kara had done most of the work. She'd just flipped the thing and not completely overcooked it. But still, she was proud of herself. And when Kara finally returned to the kitchen, she was moving the toast from the pan to the plate, a content smile on her face.
"Here you go," Kara said, holding out the medicine bottle in one hand. "And." She lifted her other hand to show she was holding freshly loaded pipe and lighter. "Thought this might help, too."
Lena smirked. "You know weed's not the answer to everything, right?" she ribbed, though she took everything that was offered to her.
"It helps with nausea," Kara said with a laugh, switching off the burner under the pan. "Do you want to take the medicine with water or coffee?"
"Coffee," was Lena's instant answer.
Kara got a mug from the cabinet and filled it for Lena. Then she topped off her own coffee she'd made herself upon waking up as Lena took her aspirin with a mouthful of coffee. After Lena hit the bowl Kara had given her and went to hand it back to the blonde.
"I'm good," Kara said, refusing the pipe. "You need that more than I do."
Lena wanted to argue, but Kara turned her attention to preparing their plates of food. She added fresh blueberries and chopped bananas, powdered sugar, and maple syrup as Lena stood by watching, slowly taking puffs from the bowl in between sips of coffee. It didn't take long for the weed to hit her, and she had to admit that Kara had been right about smoking, because her stomach was already starting to feel better and she was ready to start tearing into the breakfast the blonde had prepared for them.
As soon as they sat down at the table Lena attacked her plate, not worrying about how messy and sticky it was or how many calories were in each bite. She just needed food in her immediately, and French toast had always been one of her favorites. She couldn't remember the last time she'd indulged and had something so completely unhealthy, but she didn't care as she devoured her food with a speed to match Kara's. There was only a small puddle of syrup left on each of their plates when they were done, and Lena pushed away hers with a satisfied sigh as Kara grinned at her cheekily.
"Told you the weed would help," she said, eyebrows raised.
"Okay, stoner," Lena said with a small chuckle.
"You can't call me a stoner after you've smoked my weed," Kara said, playfully narrowing her eyes at Lena. "It's a rule."
"What, like some kind of stoner rule?" Lena asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"No, it's just one of my house rules," Kara said, cracking another grin. "That I made up just now."
"Well," Lena muttered coyly, quirking an eyebrow, "I like to break rules."
Kara's face flushed at that, and she averted her eyes to the tabletop. "Noted." She cleared her throat, then stood abruptly. "I'll clean this up."
Lena stood as well. "Do you want some help?"
"No, it's fine," Kara said with a small smile. "I made the mess. I'll clean it up."
Lena could argue that she did make some dishes, and since they both enjoyed the meal it was her mess, too. On top of her being a guest and already feeling guilty that Kara had gone through so much trouble for her.
"Seriously, Kara, let me help you," she said, giving Kara a pointed look.
Kara froze, plates in hand, and looked at Lena. She blinked a few times, biting her lip. Something in her brain automatically wanted to turn her down again out of reflex. On set cast helping crafty do literally anything would be frowned upon, and she had to remind herself that Lena wasn't cast as the moment. She was just her… Just Lena. And Kara couldn't say no to her when she was looking at her like that.
"Okay," she breathed out.
Lena rinsed the dishes in the sink and put them to wash in the dishwasher—that much she knew how to do—while Kara put away the leftover fruit and wiped down the stove and counters. When they were done Lena went into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth.
She wanted to scream when she looked into the mirror and saw the state she was in. Her makeup was smudged around her eyes so that she looked like a raccoon, her hair was sticking up at odd angles, and either the lighting in Kara's bathroom was really harsh or she'd somehow managed to become paler than she was before.
Thankfully she was able to wash her face and get all the makeup off, but then she felt naked and vulnerable without at least a little something to enhance her appearance. Normally she wouldn't care. But normally she was at her own home, alone. With Kara on the other side of the door, Lena became acutely aware of every single flaw in her skin.
It also didn't help that she knew sometime after she exited the bathroom, they were expected to have a talk about… Well, she didn't know what exactly. But she knew it had to do with feelings and her wanting to sleep with Kara last night, and what that could all mean, and she was freaking out.
Mostly because she knew it was likely Kara would ask her questions, questions she wasn't sure she knew the answer to. This was so unlike any situation she'd been in with a previous lover. They rarely wanted to talk to her about anything, much less what she felt about them. She was always the same thing to them as they were to her—a warm body to fill a need.
She'd never wanted or needed a companion for anything else. She enjoyed her solitude and liked the fact that these women allowed her release without forcing her into a tangled web of feelings.
Yet suddenly there was this woman—this wonderful, charming woman— with eyes blue as the sky and a smile that made Lena's heart beat erratically in her chest. And objectively there was nothing extraordinary about her, Lena knew that. Yet there was just something about her that Lena couldn't stay away from, something that made Lena long for a closeness she'd forgotten she had the capacity to want.
And any time anyone made her feel anything even close to actual want she usually ran away from them faster than one of the superheroes Kara had artwork of hanging all over her house. Though here she was, at that tipping point, and she knew this was where things became dangerous. This was where she would have to actually face her emotions for once in her life, and as much as that frightened her, she was more scared of what not having the conversation would mean.
If she just announced that she was leaving instead of talking to Kara, that would make things incredibly awkward at work. And honestly, it would be a really shitty thing to do. She wouldn't blame Kara for never speaking to her after that except the obligatory offering of food during pass-arounds. But talking to Kara was one of her favorite parts of the day. She genuinely looked forward to the stolen moments at the crafty setup, as few and far between as they were.
If she left and messed things up with Kara, she would dread going to work, and she'd just started to look forward to it again. No, leaving was not an option. Not if it would make her lose Kara completely. She didn't know what she wanted, but she knew it wasn't that.
With shaky hands she smoothed out her hair the best she could, tucking the loose strands behind her ears. If it wasn't a complete invasion of privacy, she might have looked through Kara's bathroom cabinets and drawers for a brush or even a little makeup, just so she could make herself look even just a little presentable.
Even if she didn't know what she wanted with Kara, she didn't want to give the blonde any reason not to want her. Sure, Kara had been a fan before, and it was logical to think that she had an unreal version of Lena in her head that was better than the real thing. That was what worried Lena. She was afraid Kara would see her as this beautiful, shiny, new toy that she always wanted, but upon getting it would see it was made of cheap plastic and flimsy parts and be disappointed.
This was never a worry before. Then again, she'd never been turned down before—not by a woman, at least. For parts in movies, sure, she knew rejection. But she'd never known it on a romantic level, and now that she knew it, she was feeling her usual confidence waiver. Kara had turned her down last night. What if during this talk she meant to do it again?
"Calm down, stupid bitch," she muttered to herself in the mirror. "You're Lena fucking Luthor. You can handle talking to a girl about your feelings."
But she wasn't sure she could, and as she exited the bathroom, she did a double-check on her breath and considered going back in to brush her teeth a second time, but then as soon as she turned back, she heard the bedroom door open. She turned again to see Kara standing there, changed out of her pajamas and into jean shorts and a black Panic! At the Disco tank top. She smiled at Lena apprehensively and stuck her hands in the pockets of her shorts.
"Are you feeling better?" Kara asked, eyes sweeping over Lena with concern.
"I am, yeah," Lena said. Her hangover had quickly subsided with the combination of coffee, food, and weed. Yet now she felt shaky and unsteady for other reasons.
"Good." Kara nodded, her face nervous. She rocked forward onto the balls of her feet, then backwards onto her heels awkwardly. "So… Did you still want to talk, or did you want me to just bring you home and we pretend like this never happened?"
Lena stared at her, baffled. It was as if she'd known Lena considered fleeing without having the dreaded conversation, anticipated it even. Yet she'd been the one who asked to talk in the first place. Obviously Kara wanted to talk about what was going on, maybe even needed to. And yet she was still giving Lena an out, regardless of what she wanted or needed.
In the two weeks they'd known each other Kara was already more conscientious of Lena's well-being even than her family had ever been. Lena couldn't fathom why she was concerned, why it mattered to her that she was comfortable. But one look at Kara's face told her why—she, for some incomprehensible reason, cared about Lena.
"We can talk," Lena heard herself saying, almost surprised to hear the words coming out of her mouth. She always expected that if someone tried to pin her down and make her talk about something involving emotions it would be just that—literally pinning her down and forcing her. But this wasn't that. This was her actively choosing to dive into unknown waters. "Can we go in your room?"
"Sure." Kara nodded and stepped back, holding out her arm to urge Lena forward.
The brunette bit her lip as she went into the bedroom, the lamp on the bedside table now on and casting a soft, warm glow across the room. Lena instantly crawled into the right side of the bed, throwing the covers over her legs. Kara joined her on the other side, propping the pillow up against the headboard before leaning back into it.
"So," Kara began, pausing to take in a shaky breath, "Where should we start?"
"I'm not sure," Lena admitted with a frown.
Kara frowned as well, chewing on her lip for a moment as she gazed at Lena. "Okay…" She sighed heavily and ran a hand through her tangled mess of blonde curls. "Well, I guess the first thing I'm curious is the drinking," she said. "I didn't think you'd had that much, but apparently you did—unless you're a lightweight."
"No, I'm not," Lena admitted, averting her eyes to the comforter shyly. "I got my drinks significantly strong and sneaked a shot at the bar when you and Sam weren't looking. Not to mention I mixed vodka and whiskey."
"Yeah, that'll do it," Kara agreed, remembering a particularly bad night when she had vodka, tequila, and whiskey all in the course of a couple hours. She'd had to go to bed with a trashcan near her and couldn't get out of bed until after three p.m. the next day. "But why? Why did you feel the need to get drunk?"
Lena was taken aback. No one had ever asked her that before, questioned the amount she'd had to drink. Most often because she drank alone, but when she was around people, they hardly batted an eye as she slammed glass after glass. Many times, they even encouraged her and bought her more, hoping it would increase their chances of taking her home. Yet here was Kara, making her question her bad habits and the meaning behind them.
"I've… Never been good at dealing with my feelings," Lena admitted slowly. "And I started feeling things I didn't like, so I decided to do what I usually do—numb those emotions with alcohol."
Kara frowned. "But what was so bad that you had to get wasted just to make it through the night?"
Lena's jaw tightened, and she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Sam."
"Sam?" There was confusion in Kara's voice.
Lena let out a loud breath, shifting her eyes to Kara. "I was jealous of the two of you together."
"I—But—Sam's straight," Kara sputtered, scratching the back of her neck. "She has a kid."
"That doesn't mean she isn't bi," Lena said, her cheeks turning red. "I don't know, you guys just seem to have gotten really close in a short time, and the way you are with each other made me feel threatened."
"Sam and I just spent over sixty hours together this week," Kara said with a small shrug. "We've talked a lot. I guess there's this closeness you build with people when you're forced to rely on them. I don't really even know Sam well, but I have this trust in her because she's been having my back. And I don't know, she and I just fell into this easy routine with each other. But everything with her is completely platonic, I assure you."
"Okay," Lena said, feeling some tension ease out of her shoulders.
"I guess the next question is— Why did you feel threatened by Sam if you said last time that we shouldn't be together?" Those blue eyes were on her, curious and vulnerable.
Lena's heart felt like it was in the pit of her stomach, and she was glad she had her arms wrapped around herself because if not she was sure she would have been shaking. "Because even though I know I can't have you, I still want you."
Kara's brow crinkled, and she gave a small frown. "What do you mean? Why can't you have me?"
"Because I wouldn't be good for you," Lena said. "I'm not an easy person to deal with. I'm cold and distant, and this is the first time that I've ever talked to anyone about what I'm feeling for them—mostly because it's so rare that I feel anything for someone. But then you come along, and you're sweet and want to talk to me about normal shit like Oreo's, instead of about who I'm dating or what project I'm working on next. And then you also care about things like my mental health and whether or not I've eaten, and that only makes it all worse because I'm not used to people worrying about me, and it's nice." She shook her head. "And all of that just makes me like you more, and I can't like you… That wouldn't end well for either of us."
"What makes you say that?" Kara asked in a quiet voice.
"Because of me not being out," Lena said, her eyes downward. "I can't be the girl you go to the movies with, or the one you make sappy posts about on Valentine's day. And maybe someday I will get to the point where I'm ready to come out, but until then I'm just not capable of being that girl. I can't give you everything you want."
"I'm not asking for everything," Kara said, her eyes firmly on Lena's. "I know you can't be that, not now." She reached out a shaky hand and took Lena's, rubbing her thumb gently across the back of it. "Maybe not ever… But you never know until you try." She gave a small, hopeful smile. "I'm not sure where we go from here, but you say you like me. I obviously really like you, and I think it would be stupid and unhealthy for both of us to keep ignoring the fact that there's something between us."
Lena stared at her for a moment, her heart lifting from her stomach as butterflies took its place. "Agreed," she said quietly. "So what do we do?"
"Well…" Kara scooted closer in the bed, "I know you can't give me everything… But can you give me something? Even if it's just confined to this house, even just on the weekends. Can we just try to explore what's going on between us in this safe environment for now and then maybe, someday, if you're ready… We figure out what the next step is?" The blonde searched the actor's face, her own slightly anxious. "Can you do that?"
Lena nodded slowly, swallowing a lump in her throat. "I can try."
"Good," Kara said, a small smile coming to her face. She leaned her head forward ever so slightly, muttering against Lena's lips, "If I kissed you now, would that be okay?"
"Please do," Lena whispered, her eyelids already fluttering closed.
Kara's lips were just as wonderful as she remembered, smooth yet firm against her own. The blonde kissed her sweetly and tenderly, and just as Lena was about to slip her tongue into her mouth for more, Kara pulled away.
"Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?" Kara asked as Lena's eyes opened.
"I mean—You were my plans, I assumed," Lena said hesitantly. "Unless you're busy."
"No, I'm not," Kara said, shaking her head as she laughed lightly. "I just didn't want to assume you'd want to spend the day with me."
"Oh," Lena said, relieved Kara wasn't trying to get rid of her. "Well, I do." And maybe the night, but she would wait for Kara to offer that since she'd invited herself the night before.
"Okay," Kara said, pulling even farther away to look at Lena with a bright smile. "Do you want to stay in bed and cuddle and watch this really cheesy unsolved mysteries series I'm into?"
Uh, no, that hadn't been exactly what Lena had in mind. The moment Kara's lips were on hers, she only had one activity on the brain. But Kara looked enthusiastic about the show, and she had to admit, she was still feeling sluggish after her night of drinking. Besides, maybe jumping right back into sex was too soon.
That was how she did things in the past, spent time with someone solely to come and then bolted. But this was… different. This was someone who wanted all of her, not just the parts between her legs. And for the first time she was looking back at this woman and wanting the same thing.
No, the way she'd done things in the past wouldn't work. She couldn't just fuck Kara and leave—didn't want to. She'd had one thing on her mind, but suddenly just cuddling and feeling a different form of intimacy she'd never allowed herself to have with anyone else sounded—unbelievably—like the better option.
"That sounds amazing," she said with a smile of her own, deciding to put sex on a mental shelf for later.
Kara, now beaming, hopped out of bed. "I'll go get my laptop."
The blonde disappeared into the hallway, leaving Lena to sit there reeling. This— spending time together with the understanding that there were romantic feelings between them—was this what normal people considered a date? Sure, she was still wearing pajamas and they weren't going anywhere, but this at least counted as a low-key date, right? If not it was the closest thing she'd ever had to one, and the idea made the smile on her face stay even while Kara was out of the room.
But it wasn't for long, and then she was back with her laptop in hand. She crawled back between the covers, sitting close enough to Lena so that their legs were pressed together, Lena feeling her body heat through the fabric of the pants she was wearing. It took a minute for the computer to boot up, Kara sighing intermittently while impatiently tapping her fingers on the spot near the mousepad. But once it was up and running, Kara pulled up Hulu and started the show. She put the laptop at the end of the bed, set up so that they could both see it, and the volume up at nearly full blast.
Then she sat back against the headboard again, and Lena scooted up a little to sit closer to her. A commercial started before the program, and Lena almost wanted to offer to sign into her account instead because she was a commercial-free user. But then Kara draped her arm around Lena's shoulder and pulled her closer, and Lena suddenly didn't care about commercials as her head dropped to Kara's chest. She wrapped an arm around Kara's midsection and held onto her, allowed herself to be held in return.
And for the first time in her entire adult life, Lena felt safe and content.
I'm glad I had this mostly done before the cat because he bit my fingers and typing is pain :)
okay see y'all next chapter