Nais: (pronounced Nahees) Plural: Naisa (pronounced Naheesah) An asari over the age of emancipation. Equivalent of woman/women.
38 Days ASR
Shiala's vice-like grip on Shepard's hand reassured her of the injured asari's ability to make the long run to the surface. "Yes, ma'am. More than ready." She pulled herself up, but held herself gingerly, canted to her injured side.
"Excellent." Shepard steadied the nais until Shiala pulled away, then turned to the rest of the team. "Javik, help Shiala." Shepard waited until the prothean stepped up, then moved on, her movements quick and efficient as she got them all up and supported by at least one other member of the team. Pride replaced worry as the unindoctrinated moved calmly and with purpose, gathering up their fellows.
"Shepard," Miranda called, gesturing for the captain to step away from the others. "I sent Liara ahead to the entrance with Aethyta. The matriarch gave all her serum away to the commandos." The operative paused, looking both exhausted and vaguely nauseated. She brushed her forehead with the back of her hand, an uncharacteristic tell. "The matriarch has begun to hallucinate. Liara found her staring into one of the pods talking to Matriarch Benezia."
"Shit." Shepard nodded. "Okay, go ahead. Start getting these people out of here. We don't have much time before this place blows, and even less time before the signal becomes so strong that we all end up drooling." She watched the operative, searching for further signs of wear. "You holding up all right?" she asked, knowing the answer she'd get regardless of the truth. Still, she needed to ask.
"I'm fine, Shepard." Miranda turned away and began moving people out. "I've been keeping up with my serum."
"Good." Shepard glanced back to find Thane a few metres behind her. "Shadowing me?" She smiled and tipped her head toward the way out. "Give me a hand with Aethyta?" When he nodded, she lifted into a jog. leading him to where Liara struggled with the matriarch.
Tears ran down the frantic asari's face as she tried to keep her father present and anchored. "She thinks she's talking to my mother, Shepard. I don't know what to do."
"Thane will help you get her to the surface." She squeezed the young nais's shoulder. "Stay calm. Getting upset will only make her more agitated."
Chaos ruled their evacuation. She needed to do something, or they would never get out in time. A memory flashed through her head. A movie … maybe?
"Blindfold them," she shouted over the pounding. "Wrap their eyes with bandages and quickly."
Nihlus cocked a brow plate at her. "Blindfolds?"
Shepard shrugged and butted her shoulder in against his side. "Horses will panic and refuse to leave a burning barn. The only way you can get them out is to take away their orientation. Hopefully, it will make our indoctrinated a little easier to guide." She started up the tunnel. "Meanwhile, a blindfold won't move you along any faster, so let's get going." She glanced over to see her people either giving themselves a boost of the serum or obeying her order.
Miranda and four of the commandos arrived, completing their party. Blessed Enkindlers, they'd lost a lot of people.
"We're starting ahead, Miranda," she called. "Bring them along." Two steps down the hall, she stopped Nihlus and turned back. "But take another dose of serum first."
"As you say, Captain." The operative dug into her hip pack.
"Captain Shepard," EDI called over the team channel, "I have begun the attack on the Collector computers. My firewalls are holding against their counterattack, although their computer is proving extremely powerful and adaptable. You have twenty-five minutes before the base reaches critical."
"Understood, EDI. Please give us five minute updates." Shepard turned back. "Okay, old guy, we're going to have to push." A shudder rolled up her spine, clammy fingers stabbing out from her implants as they gripped the base of her skull, pulsing in time with Tashac's heartbeat. She felt the tar-slick spiders writhing, slithering out along her neurons, but not trying to take control. If the idea didn't amount to complete and utter madness, she would have thought them trying to protect her from the Reaper signal.
Shaking off the crazy, she let out a pained grunt and pushed through the cramps locking up her spine. Letting Nihlus set the pace, she merely kept up with his flat-footed jog, trying not to hinder him. She didn't hold much hope for him being able to maintain the pace for long, but where the Spectre was concerned, she couldn't discount the bulwarking effect of sheer stubborn pride.
Nihlus held the pace better than she thought, and they made it all the way to the twelve minute mark and the first chamber before he slowed to a laboured limp. The rest of the group had caught up with them after only a few minutes, the indoctrinated proving fairly biddable once blindfolded.
Shepard took advantage of the slowed pace to lift the gauntlet to address the chia. "Have your people recovered the data from the computer?" she asked, bracing for their reply.
"Affirmative. Three million chia were corrupted in the process." Even with that news, the voice remained completely emotionless. She wondered briefly if the gauntlet's owed its stoicism to her omnitool possessing no emotion, because the emotion steeped through everything the chia did.
"I'm sorry, but that data may help save a lot more of your people in the long run." Shepard clenched her teeth, took a deep breath, and pushed on. The time had come. For all she thought about and spoke of the necessity of sacrifice and loss during the fight against Saren, she'd been able to throw herself in front of most of the danger, minimizing the loss. However, the Collectors had upped the ante to the point where the best she could do was make the inevitable losses count.
"Apology unnecessary. The data is important to continued resistance," they replied, surprising her. Given their initial reluctance, she'd expected accusation.
No matter. "If your people want to evacuate Thessia, get them to the Ypres. They can hitch a ride with us in the cargo bay as long as they don't try to influence anyone on the sh—"
She stopped, a fuss up ahead pulled her attention away from the cuff. Scowling, she leaned around Javik and Shiala to see a bright flash of blue throw Thane and Liara across the tunnel.
"Aethyta!"
Shepard spun as Liara scrambled up and sprinted off into the dark. "Damn it." Thane started to go after them, but she released Nihlus and threw herself in front of him. "No, Thane, help Nihlus. Keep him moving."
Nihlus grabbed her arm. "Shepard, you can't go after them."
She gripped his hand, squeezing his talons as she removed it. "We're five minutes from the surface," she called back as she started running down the ramp. "If I don't catch them in under a minute, I'll turn around."
"Take more serum!" he hollered.
That wasn't a bad idea. She gave herself a shot even as she ran. "We need to have a chat about how much you allow to go wrong on my damned missions," she muttered to the air, tossing the ampule to the side and speeding up. "This is ridiculous, even for my luck."
She caught sight of Liara a good minute into the run, the asari sprawled on the ground struggling with the matriarch. Biotics flew, slamming off the walls and ceiling.
"Hey, stop throwing powers around," she called, slowing. "I don't want to end up trapped in a singularity or stasis." She went into her pack for her emergency kit. Half of it had been turned inside out while trying to find things to help Nihlus, but luckily, she hadn't dug out the sedatives.
"Hold her down," She knelt next to them, then threw herself over the matriarch, pinning her enough to get a good jab. It took only a few seconds for the asari to stop fighting.
Shepard groaned as she pushed off the drugged asari. "Oh man, I am way too old and deceased to be doing this crap."
Scrambling up, she waved to Liara. "Help me get her into a fireman's carry. We have seven or eight minutes to get to the surface." Between them they wrapped Aethyta over Shepard's shoulders. After bouncing the matriarch's body into balance, she took off, trying to ignore the ticking clock in her head and how much uphill slope lay ahead. "Liara, come on! Move! Ahead of me."
Liara ran ahead, the pair of them making good time to the first cavern, but then the asari slowed so suddenly that Shepard almost ran her down. Two commandos scurried past them, blindly racing back the way they'd come. The prothean researcher let out a squawk and spun around to follow them.
"No!" Shepard shouted. "If you go after them, I'm leaving you, and you'll die down there." She kept running for the surface. "It's either live and look after Aethyta or die down there. Your choice, Liara."
"But, Shepard … ." Liara's infuriated wail echoed up the tunnel, but then Shepard heard running feet gaining on her from behind.
Shepard's legs shook so hard the last hundred metres or so that she expected them to give out. Each next step surprised her as the reinforced muscles held, pistons driving her forward and up.
Thank you, Cerberus. For this, at least.
As soon as they emerged into the sun, Shepard stumbled, falling as gracefully as she could manage, hoping to spare Aethyta injury. Hands grabbed hold of her and her burden, helping her up onto her knees. Once steady there, she waved them off, needing a second before getting back up onto her feet.
Her pulse fading inside her head, Shepard swung around, looking for Miranda. Despite the sun whispering for them to forget the dark tunnels and horrors, they needed to get their asses to a safe distance. "Is the Ypres on its way?" she demanded of the operative.
"Less than a minute out, Shepard." Miranda's tone came across as dull and flat as Shepard felt.
"Get it here faster." She pushed up off the ground, taking a few, stumbling steps out onto the ledge. "What the hell, Lieutenant, you knew the deadline, you were supposed to be here waiting."
"We still have a couple of minutes," Liara insisted. "We could go back and get the rest of the commandos." She raced over to grab Shepard's arms. "We've got time. Some of them were only at the first level."
Shepard pulled free and shook her head. "Nobody goes back in there." Nodding toward Aethyta and Thane, she clenched her jaw and said, "Look to your father. You need to get her back to Omega for treatment." Shepard turned toward the cliff twenty metres down the trail. "Let's move. I want to be ready to just jump on the—"
The young asari grabbed Shepard and spun her around. "Those are my people! You can't just leave them."
"Does it hurt?" Shepard slapped Liara's hands away. "Does it burn?" The captain leaned in, her voice burrowing down into her chest when the asari tilted her head in a reluctant nod. "Good. Learn from it. Next time, don't bring people without preparing them. You are in charge, not them." Looking past Liara to meet Nihlus's eyes, Shepard ground her teeth for a second, the pressure driving back the unkind words that leaped into her mouth. "I've killed a lot of innocent beings today, and I'm about to finish off another hundred thousand. So, let's just agree that we've both learned a brutal lesson about the shape of this war. Drive it home, and move on."
"Shepard!" When the captain looked toward the call, Miranda pointed to the approaching Ypres.
Shepard nodded, but then turned back to Liara. "Do you think I haven't had my moments of despair today? I've had more than I'm comfortable admitting to, Liara, but here I am." She shrugged, throwing her arms out to the side. "Still here. Still fighting." She pointed to Nihlus. "He's why. You're why." Her hand swept to encompass the entire team. "They're why. Understand? We don't have the selfish luxury of despair. Whether we asked for it or want it, we're leaders. That means doing better. It means rising out of the pathetic, weak, base stuff that makes up who we are and striving for stronger and wiser."
Pulling Liara into a rough, one-armed hug, Shepard lowered her voice to something kinder as she said, "Go, see to Aethyta. She needs you." Once the pale, shaking nais turned and walked away, Shepard strode to Nihlus's side. "Come on, old guy, let's get you aboard."
He leaned into her as she wrapped her arm around his waist. "I feel old." His elbow dug into her shoulder as he limped, the way his talons dragged through the grass making an eloquent argument for his weariness.
"Well, you look like absolute crap, so … ." She let out a soft chortle as he elbowed her. As she approached the edge of the escarpment, she stopped and turned to look at him. "Hey … guess what?"
The Spectre's chuckle came out dry and laced with pain. "We made it?" Still, under the filth and the exhaustion, his eyes sparkled brilliant and green. Battered, but not bested.
Shepard nodded. "We made it." She looked up when the Ypres's thrusters kicked down to counter gravity as Lt. Cortez brought her in. Never had a lowering ramp ever seemed so damned welcome. She tightened her grip on Nihlus and led him toward the edge then onto the deck plating.
"Dr. Eis is on her way to meet us," Miranda said, helping Shiala up the steep angle. "I'll head directly to medbay to assist."
"I will as well," Liara called from behind Shepard.
"Good. We're heading straight back to Omega." Shepard glanced next to her at Nihlus. "How far will your Spectre clearances go to keeping this from becoming a government shit storm?"
"I think our suit recordings will go a lot further." The Spectre stopped at the top of the ramp, his mandibles giving a quick flutter. "I know a few people who can ensure the recordings make it to the matriarchs who need to see them rather than just vanishing."
At the far end of the shuttle bay, the elevator doors opened, Dr. Eis, Kelly, and Vincent stepping out, gurneys floating ahead of them on antigrav fields. When the two groups met, the doctor pointed Nihlus toward one of the beds, Shiala, and one of the commandos to the other two.
"No arguments, Spectre," the doctor said, forestalling Nihlus's inevitable protest that he could walk up. She looked to Liara. "I have cots set up for the indoctrinated. We need to get their treatment started as quickly as possible." For a moment, it looked like she was going to ask about the missing numbers, but then just closed her mouth and set to work.
Shepard helped Nihlus onto the gurney. "I've got to get to the bridge, but I'll see you up in medbay once all the unpleasantness is done."
He held out his hand even as Vincent started pushing him toward the elevator. "Loan me the chia?"
Shepard thought the request, and the gauntlet opened. She passed it over then squeezed into one corner of the elevator and hit the controls. "How long do we have, EDI?"
"Fifty-three seconds."
"Returning to orbit, Captain," Cortez added.
Shepard willed the elevator to go faster. "Bring up a visual of the mountain in the briefing room, and record the explosion." The doors opened on the crew deck, the rest of the elevator's occupants hurrying off. She held Nihlus's stare until the doors closed.
"Aye, Captain," the pair replied in unison.
Shepard jumped out as the doors opened onto the CIC and ran around through the lab to the briefing room. She could have just as easily witnessed the Collector base's destruction from the galaxy map, but the CIC had too many watchful eyes, and that moment felt like one she needed to mark in private.
Your first strike against the Collectors, Janey. You did it.
The table already projected the hologram when she arrived with less than a second to spare. The mountain shuddered, starting about two thirds of the way up and travelling toward the peak. With remarkably few theatrics, the peak collapsed, losing about a quarter of its height before clouds of dust and smoke broke through the shattered crust, billowing up into the atmosphere. Compared to the massive bulk of the entire mountain, it amounted to a small puff of smoke, barely enough to rattle windows in nearby Armali. On a galactic scale, the consequences should have shattered the planet
Shepard closed her eyes and leaned into the table, her arms braced against her sides. "Rest well, Tashac. Rest well."
Cortez broke through her moment of silence on her private comms. "Captain, there is a Matriarch Tanallia requesting to speak with you or Spectre Kryik."
"Tell the matriarch and anyone else who calls that Archangel will contact them as soon as possible to arrange a meeting with our representatives. Express that we understand and share their concern over the incident as what we found within that mountain represents a grave threat to the asari republics." She debated sending along visuals of the Collectors, but decided to wait. Before they showed their hand, they needed more intel on which of the matriarchs to approach and how.
She shut down the hologram, the picture reduced to a cloud of settling dust. Time to check up on her crew and make sure that even the ones who didn't appear to be showing any effects got treated. But first … credit needed to be given where credit was due.
Shepard greeted the crew with smiles and short words of thanks as they congratulated her on the decisive victory. With every step toward the bridge, the events on the surface registered more and more as just that. Their losses paled in light of what they'd discovered, and the fact that the Reapers' massive army of banshees had been reduced to slag under millions of tons of rock.
And now we know there are other bases on the other homeworlds, we can do the same to them.
"Well, if it isn't the Captain Shepard! And on my bridge!" Lt. Cortez said, a wide grin brightening his handsome face. "Guess they weren't just making it all up when they briefed us on why they invested so much to bring you back."
Shepard shook her head, her face easing into a smile to answer his. "A big chunk of bringing down that base and pulling us out goes to EDI and to you. Good work." She turned to the AI's hologram, cocking her head a little at the sideways sort of mouth thing that flashed when the AI spoke. "Thank you, EDI. You pulled out a big win and bought Thessia some time."
"I am pleased to be of assistance, Captain." The flashing stopped for a pause Shepard just knew was for dramatic effect. "Working with you has encouraged me to indefinitely postpone my plans to subjugate all organic life in the galaxy."
Shepard grinned, the AI's humour sloughing away the last of her mental and emotional armour. "Glad to hear it." Turning to Cortez, she asked, "How are the two of you getting along?"
"I admit, it's been a little strange, but EDI's easy to work with: efficient and courteous," the lieutenant answered. "Although, I'm pretty sure EDI and Lt. Baswar, the beta shift pilot, have an unholy prank conspiracy going. Today, someone deleted my entire playlist, substituting elcor opera."
Eyebrows heading for her hairline, Shepard winced. "Do I want to know?"
Cortez shook his head. "Writhing in the throes of internal agony: you do not."
Chuckling, she gave his shoulder a gentle slap. "Didn't your mother teach you that they only pick on you if they like you?"
He scoffed low and throaty. "That shines a whole different light on Big Eddy Chelnik in fourth grade."
Shepard laughed, but after a second, her grin fell from her face. "Oh, dear god, and my entire history with Ambassador Udina. Ew." She backed toward the door. "I've got to go check on my ground team, but excellent work today, EDI ... LT. Excellent work."
The Ypres's crew had settled back into their routines as she made her way back down the CIC to the elevator, acknowledging her with sharp, respectful nods. She couldn't have imagined ever commanding a Cerberus crew, but the place was starting to feel a little more like hers. It certainly didn't hurt that the Ypres echoed the Normandy in almost every line: a lady every bit as gorgeous, graceful, and deadly as her predecessor.
Nihlus sat on the side of one of the beds when Shepard arrived in medbay. He turned to face her and opened his mouth, but didn't get a chance to speak before the doctor interrupted.
"Spectre Kryik is ready to go." Eis turned away from working on Shiala. "He needs to rest for a couple of days, starting immediately after eating at least eight hundred calories," she said.
"I can see to that." Shepard tilted her head, meeting Nihlus's stare with a teasing challenge before she bulldozed on. "Are all the members of the ground team being scanned for signs of indoctrination, doctor? Even the ones who aren't showing symptoms?"
"They are." Eis waved a hand at Nihlus's bed. "So, hop up there, Miranda can run the scans."
Shepard squashed a grin at Miranda's stiff-backed reaction to being volunteered. Thank goodness for another doctor who ruled her medbay with an iron fist. Eis's willingness to stand up to Miranda settled Shepard's trust in the doctor a little deeper. Very few people proved more important to the ultimate success of a crew or held as much power as the ship's doctor. She'd thought Chakwas a singularity, but she began to believe Eis cut from the same cloth.
Sitting up beside Nihlus, Shepard bumped him with her shoulder. "How are you feeling?"
He listed against her a little as he looked down into her eyes. "I really need a long nap. And maybe some chocolate."
She grinned and nodded. "Yeah, I hear you there. A whole damned lot of chocolate." Closing her eyes against the glow of Miranda's omnitool, Shepard let herself drift as the last of the adrenaline wore off, leaving her sinking slowly into the mattress.
"Dr. Eis?" The tone in Miranda's voice pried Shepard's eyelids open. "Can you take a look at this data, please?"
Shepard tried reading the scan results backwards, but they didn't make any sense.
"Huh," Eis grunted, leaning in. After a moment, she turned her omnitool on Shepard, then Miranda and Nihlus in turn. "This has to be significant, but hell if I know what it means."
Shepard waited for a full minute before she cleared her throat. "Since I seem to be the cause of some concern, maybe bring me in on the discussion?" Although both women appeared perplexed, neither one seemed alarmed, which was a pleasant deviation from the norm.
"You're showing negligible signs of being exposed to the Reaper indoctrination signal," Eis explained. She brought up a side by side comparison of Shepard's neural activity compared to five of the others. Even Shepard could see that hers followed a much different curve, even allowing for differences between species.
"When the pulse started getting strong at the end, I felt the … " She winced at describing the sensation and images, aware that she was making a horror vid out of it, but rolled her eyes and pushed on. " … the spiders … the manifestation of the indoctrination from the orbs … swarming around through my head, but they didn't try to co-opt my senses like they did before." Heat crept up her neck. "I thought they might be forming a barrier."
Miranda showed her weariness as a thoughtful frown creased her usual, porcelain calm. "Two different indoctrination signals?" Shepard didn't have to dig to find the operative's skepticism, she laid it all out on the surface as she continued, "That would imply two factions of Reapers."
"Remember when we were trying to find a way into the mountain," Nihlus said, "you said that the spiders felt as though they were afraid of what was inside."
Shepard nodded, the memory reasserting itself. "Yeah, and Tashac said that I couldn't take the dark ones inside. I thought she meant the Reapers, but maybe the Reapers didn't want whomever is behind the spiders getting in." Letting out a short, heavy breath, she slumped. "Two factions of Reapers? Because things weren't complicated enough already."
Seeing Miranda and Dr. Eis gearing up for the full works, Shepard threw up her hands. "Nope. We've just finished the day from hell. Debriefing at 0800 in the briefing room for everyone who was on the ground who is capable of attending. You two can send your data and anything EDI recorded of the indoctrination pulse back to Archangel for Dr. Chakwas and Mordin to have a look at, but I am too tired to play lab rat."
She slid down off the bed and held her arm out to Nihlus. "The old guy and I are going to try to eat something and get some sleep." Cutting off their protests with a sharp shake of her head, Shepard just ushered Nihlus out of medbay ahead of her. "Goodnight, ladies. Don't contact me unless someone or something is on fire."
Once the medbay door closed behind them, she patted Nihlus on the arm. "Go ahead," she told him. "I'll ask Sgt. Gardner to send something up. Feel like anything in particular?"
The Spectre shrugged, the gesture so exhausted that she wondered if she shouldn't accompany him up and just call for food once she got him settled. "Couple of protein bars is fine. The faster I can get it down, the better." He shuffled toward the elevator. "Remember when my plan was to be as lazy as possible?" His sharp chuff and dry chuckle rolled with subvocals she didn't need to be turian to understand.
"Go, get into bed, you big baby." She turned toward the galley, determined to get Nihlus something better than protein bars. After the day he'd been through, he deserved something hot. Did turians even have comfort food?
As it turned out, Sgt. Gardner was five klicks ahead of her, preparing a thick turian soup that she hadn't even known was Nihlus's favourite.
"Heard you and the Spectre got the crap kicked out of you pulling our people's asses out of the fire down there," the cook said, shrugging. "Thought he could use some decent food." He cleared his throat, as if the idea of being generous embarrassed him. "Made you a thermos of tomato, ma'am."
She picked up the two containers. "You're now officially my hero, Sergeant. If I wasn't so tired, I'd hop over the counter and kiss you." Shepard grinned as he flushed and turned to wipe the counter, grumbling under his breath. "Thank you for this. It's a very kind and welcome gesture."
When she arrived up in her cabin, she found Nihlus sitting at her desk watching the door. Stopping just over the threshold, she met his gaze for a moment then held out his container of soup. "A present from Sgt. Gardner." When his expression didn't change, she let out a soft sigh. Damn. Well, it wasn't as if she hadn't known the conversation was going to happen.
Letting out another sigh, she walked over and set his soup down in front of him. "Eat, you need to replace all that blood." She turned and started toward the stairs down to the couches.
"It was beautiful, wasn't it?" Nihlus snagged Shepard's hand, refusing to let her walk away. "The three of us … that future … it was beautiful."
She turned to look at him. The earnest pleading in his eyes tore at her heart, but she set her jaw as she blew a ragged breath out through her nose. "Yes, Nihlus, it was beautiful, but it was a dream. It wasn't reality." She broke from his hold and paced over to the fishtank, staring in at the caustics reflecting through the empty water.
Swallowing hard, trying to force the lump in her throat down far enough that she could keep talking, she bulwarked her shoulders to repel him. "Reality is Garrus pacing outside the room wondering why he isn't enough to make me happy, and then the same happening with you when I am with him. The reality is constantly feeling guilty for one of you being on the outside." Finally building the wall solid enough to face him, she turned back. "The reality is everything tearing apart and leaving all three of us broken."
He smiled and shook his head. "No, Jane. No." He stepped forward, hands raised, but then let them drop when she pulled away from him. Shrugging, he turned to pace to the desk and back a couple of times. "I don't want to have this talk without Garrus, because I know you're going to need to hear him say a great deal, but I want you to shake all that fear and moral judgement crap out of your head, and think about one thing."
"And that is?" She turned and leaned back, the curved glass cold across her hips and shoulders.
He sat in the chair, leaning forward with his forearms braced on his thighs. "I know you're in love with Garrus. The second you see him, your entire body changes. Your shoulders drop, you smile more easily, you can't help but glow. And I know he loves you." A faint shrug rippled across his shoulders. "You are his Kahri. He loved you enough to stay committed to a dead woman for two years. He went to bed at 2100 every night because you were waiting there in his dreams."
Wincing a little as that hit home again, Shepard shook her head. "And you're okay with what … ? Taking the back seat?" She scoffed. "That would last two days. When we met, you called me a whore for flirting to get information."
Head bobbing a little, he leaned back in the chair. "I know, and a lot has changed since then. I've changed since then." Slumping a little, he flipped his hands, a small, affable gesture. "I love Garrus, not romantically, but that doesn't diminish the strength of what I feel. He's more important to me than anyone except you. I want him to be happy. You making him happy doesn't set loose a basket of snakes in my gut. I don't watch you together and wish it was me instead." He smiled and pushed out of his chair. "I see you together and wish it was me as well."
Heart racing, Shepard pulled away as he closed on her. Dammit, why did he have to make it all so much harder? "I'm sorry, Nihlus, but it just can't work in the real world."
He stopped, the sudden lack of pressure pulling a small, gasping puff of air from her lips. The intensity of his stare didn't let up, however. "I love you, Jane, and I know you love me." A talon cut the air back and forth between them. "And you know this pull between us has nothing to do with Tashac and Merol." He took half a step back, allowing her to relax down off the fish tank glass. "If I hadn't been such a coward at Udina's party, where would we be today?"
She shrugged, despite the flash of images that raced through her head. What good would come out of allowing herself to imagine them together? She needed to do the opposite. "Who knows, Nihlus. I wasn't ready for a relationship back then. We'd probably have ended in some horrific screaming match the first time you tried to touch me with any sort of intimacy."
Throwing up both hands, one still holding her thermos, she backed toward the door. "Enough, Nihlus. Really. Please … just … enough." She hit the door control. "It would be best if you slept on the couch tonight. The pillows and blankets are in the drawers under my closet."
"Jane … ." He took two quick steps after her, but she bolted into the elevator and hit the door control to close it behind her.
Not having a clue where to go, she hit the control for the crew deck. Surely there'd be somewhere down there she could drink her soup in peace. Maybe by the time she headed back up, he'd be asleep. Fat chance, but pretending to be asleep would be good enough.
On the crew deck, she stepped out of the elevator and looked around, still not sure where she intended to go. She just needed a few moments of peace and silence. Between Miranda, Kelly, Vincent, and Al, and then everything that had happened since the Cerberus base … silence had been in short supply … time to think and figure anything out almost nonexistant.
The doors of the observation lounge closed behind her, the vast black of space spread in front of her before she realized she'd chosen her destination. She sat on one of the long couches and took a sip of her soup before setting it aside, her hands moving automatically to her hip pack for an ampule of pain killers. She'd stuck it into the port on her armour before she realized she hadn't changed.
Shepard glanced over at the observation lounge door as it opened, and stuffed the empty ampule back into the pack. She forced a smile as Thane stepped through the door. "Hello." A faint sigh escaped as the painkillers poured through her bloodstream. "Were you looking for me? Is there something I can do for you?" Tossing him a shrug, she gestured toward the large port. "Or are you just here for the view?"
The assassin entered the room, eerily silent as he crossed to look out at the stars. Shepard watched him, but didn't move out of her seat. The silence stretched on, not uncomfortable exactly, just anticipatory. So, he'd come looking for her, which meant he had something to say. Letting out a thin hiss of relief as the pain and crazy backed off a bit, she decided that she could wait.
After a moment, his shoulders relaxed a little and he clasped his hands behind his back. "Do the injections help?"
Surprised by the directness of the question, she stammered a little before managing to reply. "Sure, yeah, of course. My entire body is a massive, open wound. After days like today, they're lifesavers."
Spinning to face her, Thane nodded. "Yes, I imagine your wounds are painful, but that wasn't what I referred to. He walked over and sat down beside her, his eyes staring out at the view. "You made some painful decisions today."
"The entire war is going to be painful decisions and leaving people to die." Shepard snorted softly, a rumble at the back of her throat. "That's just brutal reality, but what has me sitting here stewing is stomping all over the heart of one of my best friends." She shook her head and raised her hands in a vague, open-palmed gesture of apology. "Sorry, too much information. Forget I said anything." She picked up her thermos and took a long draught of steaming hot soup, savouring the burn as it slid down her throat.
"You and Spectre Kryik are not together?" he asked, his tone trying for neutral, but still carrying an edge of surprise.
She frowned and glanced over at him. "You know the general and I are committed to one another."
He tucked his feet under him on the couch, taking a meditative pose. "I apologize for assuming that the three of you had some other sort of arrangement." That time he managed a completely impassive tone.
Shepard let out a long breath and turned back to the view. "Yeah, well … they have an arrangement, but I'm not involved in it."
"Karifratrus," he said, his nod heavily weighted with gravitas. "It is an honorable and important bond. There is none more sacred to a turian outside of bond-mates and offspring." He took a long breath, his chest expanding as he filled his lungs. He held it for a few seconds, then let it out. "They swear only 'until and beyond death', and yet it means everything. Their entire lives shared. There can be no question of jealousy within the bond, what belongs to one belongs to both, which is why I assumed. My apologies."
Shepard took another drink, using the motion to buy herself a little time and space before turning back to stare at him once more. "You really think it could work?" He seemed to have some sort of close-hand experience with the whole mess.
A graceful shrug rolled across his shoulders, but otherwise he remained completely still. "I know it can, and it has throughout the ages. As with all relationships, it depends on the temperaments and commitment of the people involved." He opened his eyes and turned to look at her. "Humans pair bond for the most part, but it is not the norm for all other races. Those who pair bond amongst salarians and krogan are the outliers, most mating is through contracts with the one and with whomever seems most likely to create viable offspring with the other. Asari relationships are very fluid, the hanar often form large blooms or family groups that remain together through several generations, and vorcha rarely see their mating partners again."
Shepard wondered how he'd come to know so much about the mating practices of the different species, but he had a point. She'd been imposing human norms onto other species. "So, you really believe one person can love two mates?"
"Love is not finite." Turning back to the stars, he continued, "Respect and devotion are not finite. If that were the case, as more children were born into a family, or more friends gathered, the well would run dry." The assassin steepled his fingers before his lips. "Love is love, Shepard. It takes many forms, changing for each circumstance. Trying to limit its acceptable forms or insisting that it conform to a set of rules is about control and fear, neither of which has a place in its truest form."
Finishing off her thermos of soup, Shepard stared out at the long expanse of space, her almost-meditation interrupted by a huge yawn.
"I doubt you will discover the answers you seek by falling asleep on this bench," the drell said, his low rumble easing her further toward oblivion. "Do you wish me to escort you to your cabin, Captain?"
A hard head shake and another yawn pushed her weariness back far enough for her to stand. "No, thank you. And thanks for the talk." She walked to the door. "Goodnight, Thane."
"Goodnight, Shepard."
Shepard headed to the armory, stripping out of her armor, the well-worn motions feeding into her continued, almost-meditative, calm. Nihlus was right … the future that he dreamed, the one where love saturated their entire existence, peaceful and complete … the three of them living that reality … it had been beautiful.
She pushed her locker closed and turned toward the door. Did she want that future? She didn't deserve it, and it was insufferably greedy, but if it was possible—if everything wouldn't just explode in their faces—did she want it?
The lights were dimmed, only the lamp next to her side of the bed illuminating the cabin when she walked in the door. She headed into the bathroom, desperate for a shower, her skin crawling with afterimages of the day's long, waking nightmares. Arms braced against the wall, head hanging, she let her mind drift beneath the scalding spray. One thing kept cycling through her head over and over—leaving the loving arms of one husband to be welcomed into the arms of the other. No jealousy or anger, just a wide smile and warm conversation as she snuggled into Garrus's embrace, safe and adored.
"Damn." She slapped the wall, then spun to turn off the water. Why couldn't anything just be easy?
Maybe the only one making things difficult is you, Janey.
"Shut up, Bunny." Grabbing a towel, Shepard dried herself off. She brushed her teeth, and dressed in her usual shorts and t-shirt before heading out.
Nihlus lay on the couch, facing the backrest, most of his cowl hanging over the edge. She winced when she saw him. It couldn't be comfortable after the day they'd spent. The lack of snoring told her that the Spectre wasn't asleep. She paused by her armchair, mouth opening to speak, but then … what could she say that she hadn't already said? Well, other than that she'd changed her mind, and she certainly couldn't say that.
Heart aching, whispering to her about all the things she needed to do and to balance, Shepard climbed into bed. She plumped her pillows then packed them behind her head, using activity to delay the inevitable, but then she lay there, staring at his back in the pale blue light. If nothing else, he deserved a warm, soft-ish bed and kindness after the day he'd spent.
"Nihlus?"
He stirred but didn't reply.
A wry, sad sort of smile answered his obstinance. "Come on, that couch has to be uncomfortable as hell."
Without a word, he rolled straight up onto his feet. Stepping around the coffee table, he strode to the other side of the bed, pulled back the covers and climbed in. Shepard held herself stiff as he settled in, but then he rolled over to face her, his stare heating the side of her face. They remained like that for nearly five minutes; he wasn't the only one who could play the stubborn card, even though what she really wanted was to curl in against his warmth.
"We'll figure it out, Jane," he said at last, a soft sigh whistling through his nose. "The three of us will figure it out." He slipped one arm under her neck, pulling her tight against him. She didn't resist, and he nuzzled her temple. "It'll all be okay. You'll see."
She rolled over and curled into him, not at all certain that anything would be okay, let alone everything. Still, right then, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to just give them both a break and have a little faith. What was the worst that could happen?
(A-N: Little behind here. The yard apes (my nephews and niece) brought home the plague, so writing has taken a back seat to drugged stupors and sleep. Still, I am hoping to get a chapter up tomorrow as well.
Thanks for reading, and to those who check in to show their support. It means a lot. *hugs*)