The last wish

"Dean," I addressed him at the graveyard and hugged him for the last time. "I could go with you," I offered, but there was no favor in it, just the selfish desire to die with him because I was afraid of life without meaning, without him.

But he had clear. "No, no, no," He shook his head. "No, I got to do this alone." For a moment he looked at Sam, and then back at me. "Listen, if—when—when this works, Sam—he's gonna be a mess." Well, of course, Dean's first priority - his brother. "So look out for him, okay? Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid," He assigned me a task, the same thing, with was entrusted to him before years ago, with the weight of the place, where lay his dead mother.

"Of course," I promised, even though I had no idea, what will happen next. I didn't know if I wouldn't do some stupid. Nevertheless, Father died, but Darkness didn't occur. Dean did it, we won and could drunk for his honor... for his sacrifice.

When Sam wasn't longer able to drink, Crowley and Rowena disappeared somewhere, and I moved my new charge home to the bunker. I took off his shoes and laid him on his bed. At that moment, I realized that I left the car at the bar. If he knew it, he would never forgive me. I wanted to go back to Impala, but before I was able to get away, my new charge caught my hand.

"Cas? Please, stay... here," my friend said hoarsely from his sleep and pulled me down on the bed into his giant embrace. Well, maybe "baby" wait until tomorrow, I thought.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

I don't know how I could describe that feeling to anyone. It's like a black hole inside that absorbs you. It's like the acid that flows through your veins all over your body, it spends your brain, it debilitates your limbs, it drains your hearts and it relieves you of all the joy. It is a dull feeling of hopelessness and emptiness that cannot fill anything. I first felt it when Jess died, and then again when Dean died and went to hell, or when he disappeared for a year in purgatory. It was difficult at the time, it seemed impossible to overcome, but now it was different... I don't know why, probable I don't fight with it, I don't want to fight it. The only person from whom, I expected that there will always be for me, died. I can't fix it, I cannot go back. This time no longer, I can't, this is The End.

My hand slid from the naked hip of the person next to me, and I turned to the other side. I didn't want to get up from the warm bed at all and start doing something. I didn't want to do anything at all. I always had someone outside of Dean, Ruby (even though she was a bitch), Amelia, someone who helped me get over it. But this time it only brought more pain. After all, he hadn't been mine. It was supposed to be the opposite, I should had sacrifice and die and Dean would live with him. Not like that!

The feeling of guilt made me finally get up and get into the kitchen, but the refrigerator was empty and there was no more bread in the pantry. Time to go shopping. I quickly threw something on myself, wrapped my wallet, the keys from the apartment, and started off. Fortunately, Impale didn't have to spin the wheels at all. Since Dean left us, some time has passed. We hunted for a while, I thought it was going to be just the best, but it wasn't. I couldn't do it anymore, it was just his eternal remark and eventually I couldn't only kill some monster, but also couldn't live in the bunker. We moved to a quiet suburb with Walmart right behind the house.

I was walking through the shelves, and the busy people were passing around me on those ridiculous carts. If Jess would be with me, she would be whispering in my ear, that would be for those people been better if these carts banned, it is as harmful as cigarettes. Dean probably would have borrowed one, and then he would act like a five-year-old child until he destroys the cart. But when we (me and Cas) were here eight months ago for the first time, Cas accepted it all as another strangeness of humanity, with his head tilted to one side and "Oh". Finally, I got to the müsli rack where I had to solve an important question. Do I want to be sinful this week and buy with flavor chocolates, or again classic - strawberry?

"Well, the faggots just love grain," somebody suddenly came to me when I bowed down for those cereals. I turned angrily and behind me was a guy only a couple of years younger, than would be my dad (if my dad still lived), beard, slack jeans and black t-shirt Judas Priest. Funny how just a fan of this metal band can be so intolerant. I threw my müsli into the basket and stood at my full height.

"My personal life isn't your business. However, I would bet that such words would not appeal to Robert Halford. I wish you a nice day, neighbor!" I said. The man blushed slightly on his face, took two steps backwards, and he growled something, but I didn't hear it, because I went to fridge for the milk. Still thinking deeply: "What the hell it was?"

Everyone has in the closet some skeleton. Something what is hard to admit, what we aren't proud of, even if it's not necessarily bad. Everybody has its own so-called Pandora's box, which it isn't reasonable to open, even it is hidden in the subconscious, but which controls part of our behavior every day. I have always fascinated how different opinions or behaviors can be contained in one ordinary person. The constant struggle of good with evil, in the world and in the human being itself. Sending good or evil to others...

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

I woke up in an empty bed at 10:07, Sam had to get up. It pained me a little bit, I'm used to in the morning for a while just laze around and cuddle, but today obviously wasn't on just the right day. Before I could get out of bed, the song Love Hungry Man by AC / DC started winning across the bedroom. Dean's most popular band and my mobile phone, with didn't want to give up. Fortunately, it was only Claire, who wanted to tell us, that she would come to lunch on Sunday.

I checked the fridge and the pantry, they were empty, and I felt Sam's soul up the street, probably he was in the store, he will be here for a moment. I frowned, even from such a distance I was able to perceive his pain and fatigue. He was in depression. I sighed. I wish I could help him more. It would be nice, if a heartbreak could be repaired, just like a broken limb. I am an angel, according to people, a fabled being who is to bring peace, goodness and the love of God, but how could I expect to cure my friend if I can't heal myself.

The rattlesnake sprouts in the castle, the door is twisted, he is already here. Sam entered our house with shopping bags and began to tell a story about what happened at the supermarket. He talked about the feeling of wrongdoing, the fact that I don't belong to him, about fight good and evil, Pandora's box, and some intolerant fan of the heavy metal band who was swearing him in the "faggot."

"Sam, I'm not entirely sure I understand. How, am I not yours? And what's the word faggot?" I asked uncertainly, and I gave the last word in air quotes. "It bundles of wood, or hay has nothing to do with human sexuality," I pointed to the obvious thing, but I guess it was me again, who again missed the point, because Sam suddenly sincerely and warmly laughed.

Well, maybe for two of us there is still hope, perhaps it just wants time, love and together we can finally do it ... together we will heal as Dean wanted.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Notes:

In the original text of this story is used the word "teplouš", which is in my native language derogatory term for homosexual. At the same time, this word has its root in the word "teplý", which has meaning "warm". Instead of the sentence: "It bundles of wood, or hay has nothing to do with human sexuality," Cas in the original text will say: "After all, the human body produces the same heat, regardless of the person's sexual orientation." This is a language pun. I didn't know how to translate it better.