I found this in my Docs from a few years ago. Not sure what's going on with the structure but kind of like the chaotic energy this conveys, feels very fitting to Amanda's chaotic character.
I found this very therapeutic to write, this is my first time posting an SVU fanfiction and a new account that's just a bit more anonymous than my last one.
Timeline set season 15. References to Rapist Anonymous and Gambler Fallacy. No kids.
Major trigger warning for talk of a miscarriage, and feelings surrounding this. Please read with caution.
Hope you enjoy it, please review. I am an English lit student so I have no excuse for my Poor Grammar.
Amanda knew what was happening the moment she felt something sticky leak out onto her underwear instantly warming her thighs. This did not come as much of a surprise, she had felt her tummy cramping over the past hour and was working up the courage to ask her sergeant if she could go home. Getting up quickly and walking as casually as she can to the restrooms without causing suspicion, her fellow squad mates rarely respect one another's privacy especially hers.
Sitting down on the toilet as an immense cramp rumbles through her lower abdomen.
Not here, not here, not here, please not now!
Amanda thinks as blood flows heavily into the toilet below. Biting her lip against the moan that wants to break free at the pain that resides in her back, hips and the top of her thighs. This is not the first time this has happened to Amanda but she doesn't remember her legs hurting quite this much last time.
She is unsure how long she had been sitting in the restroom, few people have been in and out since Amanda had taken refuge in the end stall. It has been quite a while though and she knows her fellow squad members will start looking for her soon. Feeling dizzy and shaky, aware that she is in need of some help, unsure if she would be able to stand on her own if she tried. Her underwear was soaked in blood and her pants were not much better, she didn't want to have to walk through the squad room for fear someone would notice. Aware that she shouldn't be embarrassed to ask for help, but unable to bring herself to text any of her male colleagues - who she is closest with on the squad - to ask for their assistance in this instance.
Tears flowing freely from her eyes, her lip still tight between her teeth to avoid drawing any attention to herself. She pulls her phone out to contact the only other female member on her squad. Amanda falters as she holds her phone in her sweaty palm, she can't quite figure out how to word the message knowing that she needs a ride home, a spare pair of clothes from her gym bag and maybe a sanitary towel. Unable to figure out the correct way to articulate such a request. How to display her usual false bravado. How to do it right.
- hey liv, are you still in the station?
Amanda texts starting simple, the anxiety in her chest becoming overwhelming.
- yes, where are you?
Olivia replies almost instantly. Amanda's anxiety grows a little more when she realises her boss has noticed her absence. Hoping against hope she hasn't said anything to the others.
- bathroom do u have any sanitary towels?
Her face blushing red with embarrassment, aware that this is only the beginning. Chastising herself for being a woman in her 30s and being embarrassed about asking her friend for a sanitary product. Planning on just blaming her period and asking to be excused from the rest of the workday. No one has to know, for once her business can stay her business.
- yeah, I'll bring one to you now.
Again Olivia replies immediately.
- could u also grab my gym bag from my desk?
Amanda doesn't receive a reply but assumes the brunette will grab it anyway. The embarrassment has become all-encompassing now. Somehow this extra task she's asking of her colleague feels to be asking too much.
The pain has subsided a little and she felt as though she may be able to make it downstairs and into a cab on her own without bothering anyone any further.
Amanda's tears are uncontrollable now, her hand covering her mouth to muffle any sounds. Her head is buzzing as if someone has taken out her brain and filled the cavity with static electricity. Stuck in a grimy stall in her place of work, in soiled clothes and sweating through her shirt as the anxiety becomes all-encompassing. Fading in and out of reality as she awaits the arrival of her boss while in such an intimate and vulnerable position. Unable to stifle the involuntary whimper that escapes her lip as she hears a small knock on the stall door.
"Amanda, you okay?" Olivia asks in a soft voice that just oozes sympathy and has Amanda's tears falling in earnest.
"Yeah, liv" Trying to steady her voice she replies.
Olivia slides the gym bag and the sanitary towel under the gap in the stall without further enquiry. Amanda gives her thanks, her voice a little stronger. As she silently thanks the heavens her Sergeant has brought her a super pad with wings. Remembering heavy bleeding after the last time.
God, she felt so broken.
Amanda made fast work of cleaning herself up, pulling on fresh underwear, her leggings and removing her button-down silk shirt that looked strange paired with the workout wear before pulling on her oversized NYPD hoodie over her bra. She took a moment to breathe and wipe her eyes before exiting the bathroom not expecting to see her Sargeant waiting for her at the sinks.
Amanda avoids looking Olivia in the eye as she makes her way to the sink and cursing herself as she washes her hands watching as the water runs off her hands red before it quickly turns clear. Nausea building as she realises what Olivia has just witnessed and expecting Olivia to be completely disgusted by her, as she is by her own body. Sick of the smell of the precinct bathroom that felt like the only room in the building that hadn't been renovated in 40 years, refusing to look up from the chipped maroon tiles.
"Amanda?" Olivia asks, her voice hushed and her tone surprised.
The blonde looks up into the mirror catching her horror-stricken reflection, her face bright red and eyes flowing with tears that she is unable to stem. Looking at Olivia, her embarrassment a new high as she stares into her bosses concerned brown eyes, a sob bubbling up in her throat.
"Amanda, are you okay?" Olivia asks again, her voice is soft and soothing as she addresses the blonde, her concern obvious on her features as she takes in the sight of the crying junior detective in front of her.
Amanda can't even comprehend what's going on, wanting nothing more than to have a shower and to be at home in her nice comfy bed. Remembering her doctor telling her to avoid baths and began racking her brain, was she allowed to shower?
Shaking slightly from head to toe, focusing on her spirling thoughts momentarily forgetting where she is and brought back to the moment feeling awful dizzy all of a sudden. She throws her arm out to the brunette instinctively to steady herself. Olivia grasping onto her outstretched hand.
"Amanda!" Olivia exclaims her concern spiking as the blonde sways on her feet. Placing another hand on the blondes shoulder. Olivia had watched the younger woman sway on her feet for a few moments with a vacant look on her face. It became obvious that this was more than just an unpredicted period the blonde was ill prepared for the moment Amanda exited the bathroom stall.
"Sorry liv, just dizzy." Amanda dismisses, removing herself from the comfort of another person's touch, she feels she doesn't deserve.
Amanda knows that this quick dismissal will cause the brunette to worry even more and is sure that the dizziness is due to the fact her blood pressure has fallen, she has lost a lot of blood and is probably iron deficient. A symptom she has with her period often. Unable to stop herself from pushing the brunette away, wishing she was alone in her apartment not crying in her work bathroom with her superior officer.
"Is everything okay? You seem so upset." Olivia says as she runs her thumb over a damp cheek, "Is this just because of your period or is there something else going on?" Olivia asked, being right in assuming the blonde is not crying due to an unexpected period. Having seen Amanda tear up only once or twice in the years she has been working with her, but never openly cry like this.
"It's not my period," Amanda explained, seeing a very concerned look flashing over the brunette's face, "I'm miscarrying, and I just really want to go home, to be anywhere but here." she quickly added. It was although Amanda couldn't have stopped herself telling the brunette if she'd tried.
A small gasp escaped Olivia after her colleagues' admission, reaching out for the smaller women's hand.
"Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry," Olivia says, giving the smaller woman's hand a sympathetic squeeze.
Olivia didn't know what she was expecting originally assuming the blonde was experiencing a pretty bad period to have texted her from the toilet for a change of clothes. Her empathy instantly overruling her previous annoyance a moment prior to receiving the text when she had looked up from her desk to see the blonde was the only member of the squad not working on her paperwork. Receiving the texts that the blonde needed a sanitary towel had naturally caused her to drop everything for her colleague.
Her heartbreaking upon seeing the blonde; tears in her eyes and swaying slightly on her feet. Feeling a protective urge to wrap the blonde in her arms and take away all her sorrow. Even if it was just a really bad period. She, however, did not expect this and suddenly didn't quite know how to react, which for the very intuitive brunette was a relatively rare experience.
"Let me take you home?" Olivia asked, speaking softly to the blonde, who would normally recoil from the sympathy offered, nodded in response. She didn't know if maybe she should offer to take the blonde to the hospital but from what little she knew she understood they would be fine to stay home. The Sargent was well aware of the blondes' hatred for hospitals.
"Please." Amanda answered her voice so small, "could you also grab my purse and my phone. I don't want to see the boys, I can not fend off their questions right now. And I'm sure Nick will assume I've pissed myself or something ridiculous." She added her voice slightly stronger.
The brunette nodded with a sympathetic smile, Olivia had seen recently the lengths the other squad members went for Amanda and knowing their concern would not be appreciated right now.
Heading back to her office to collect her things and her own work deciding that she would stay with Amanda for the rest of the day despite it still being early in the workday. She can't fathom leaving the younger detective on her own.
Taking a minute to collect herself feeling tears stinging her eyes as she took in the look on the blonde's face and her sudden willingness to be vulnerable in front of her, something which happened so very little.
After collecting her own stuff she headed for Amanda's desk when Fin and Nick's eyes settled on her. Internally rolling her eyes at them she packs up the detectives belongings before addressing them.
"Amanda isn't feeling well. I'm going to take her home. I've got work with me if you need anything, call!" She explains. Not giving them much time to respond and flat out ignoring Amaro's questions.
Heading to the break room to grab a bottle of water from the fridge for the blonde, and briefly considers making her a sugary cup of tea to help with her dizziness before deciding she can do that when they are home.
Amanda is now slumped over the sinks taking deep measured breaths when the door opens again expecting to see Olivia she looks up but her eyes meet with his. Nick has entered the ladies room and is striding over to her. She can't help the boiling rage she feels as red heat rises up her neck and into her face.
"Are you okay? What happened?" He asked his voice both soft and judgmental.
"What are you doing in here Nick?" She all but screams in response, aware that her emotions are on high alert but after his recent behaviour she can't help but lash out at him.
"I was worried? Olivia said you were ill, you don't look well? Why have you changed your clothes?" He asks again, ignoring her obvious discomfort before she can answer, unsure if she was planning to give him a verbal explanation or a punch, the door opens again and this time Olivia does enter.
"Nick!" She said looking pissed. "Just because I didn't answer your questions doesn't mean you go explore the ladies. Out! We will talk about this tomorrow!" She practically yells at the detective who looks so affronted as though he finds nothing wrong with his actions.
"I'm sorry, Amanda I went to grab you a bottle of water. I didn't think he'd come looking for you. You okay?" Olivia asks the blonde who has regained a little colour her blood pressure seems to return a little. Handing her the cool bottle of water after unscrewing the top.
"It's okay, it's not your fault. Don't know why I thought the ladies restroom would be a safe place." She says with a roll of her eyes. Olivia can't help but focus on Amanda's choice of words, was she being hyperbolic or did she genuinely feel unsafe? Why didn't she feel safe?
"Can we go?" Amanda asks bringing Olivia from her thoughts as the blonde takes the cap of the bottle from her hand, gasping as freezing cold fingers brush her hand. Stirring her back to the moment and how awful the blonde must feel.
"Yeah, no problem. Let's go." The blonde was quiet the entire walk down to Olivia's car, it was still early in the afternoon and the precinct was buzzing with activity.
"Thank you for driving me home. I'm sorry to be leaving halfway through the day, I'll make it up to you tomorrow." Amanda said as they drove onto her block. The ten-minute car ride had been driven in heavy silence, Olivia giving Amanda space to process while looking over every few minutes to make sure she was okay.
"It's no problem at all Rollins, take as much time as you need.." She says as she reaches over to squeeze her shoulder. "I'm just sorry this happened."
Amanda could only nod in response.
"I'm gonna come up and stay awhile? I don't want you to go through this alone." Olivia said as she pulled the car into park rubbing Amanda's arm. The blonde is horrified to find tears stinging her eyes in response.
"You really don't have to do that. But thank you honestly." Amanda said as she began gathering her stuff.
"I know I don't have too, but I brought work with me, you can get some rest and I'll just hang out on your couch for a while, just in case." Olivia's heart broke at the sight of the young blonde, so plainly shocked that someone was willing to go that little extra mile for her. As if the kindness she was showing was so foreign to her. Amanda nodded not trusting her voice at that moment as she flung her gym bag over her shoulder, allowing Olivia to grab both purses before following the other women into her building.
They entered the blondes modest one-bedroom, it was tidy with pops of colour throughout. Her cream sofa was full of fluffy cushions of greens, pinks and yellows. A bright yellow rug in the centre of the room. It seemed to fit Amanda's personality well while also seeming to be the complete opposite of what Olivia had been expecting.
"Make yourself at home, the WiFi password is on the router." She said dying to run into the shower instantly. "I'm going to take a shower." She added. Her voice was small and twinged with embarrassment. So different from Amanda's usual confidence and arrogance that she portrayed in the squad room. This side of Amanda brought out so many new feelings for the brunette. Suddenly finding the need to provide comfort almost overwhelming.
"Take your time. Just yell if you need me." She says with a nod as she makes her way over to the sofa. First googling the symptoms of a miscarriage and what to expect, as well as treatment for any symptoms that might occur. Armed with more knowledge Benson felt more prepared and less apprehensive about supporting the blonde.
As Amanda is in the shower Olivia takes the spoiled clothes out of Amanda's gym bag internally, accepting that this is perhaps pushing the boundaries but unable to do nothing to aid the blonde. Pouring detergent directly onto the material before throwing them in the washing machine alone. Turning to put the kettle on, considering doing a tidy up of the apartment but finding it already as tidy as it could get. Again a stark opposite from the last time she had visited the blonde's apartment, however, she feels as though that might have had more to do with Kim's presence before she had cleared Amanda out.
Instead setting up her work station on the sofa, her files piled on the painted coffee table, all the furniture having been bought from different market places and all obviously mismatching but in a purposeful way clearly thought out. Olivia is in awe of the apartment and its decor, she doesn't know why she assumed Amanda's life at home to be as chaotic as her workplace. But she is determined to figure out why there is such an obvious character shift between Amanda at home and Amanda at work. She can't help thinking back to Amanda's unsafe comment she had made previously.
After showering Amanda had taken her time brushing out her hair slowly, refusing to look in the mirror as she did so, taking the time to accept what had happened again. Refusing to dwell on what could have happened and accepted what did. Planning on getting cosy and keeping her demons at bay. Her stress levels since her relapse have been at an all-time high, unable to return to the meetings that had pulled her out of the depths of her addiction.
Unable to trust the friends she had made along the way, ignoring invites and phone calls. Having lost the trust of all of her co-workers in a matter of days and have no trust in them either. It had suddenly become very lonely again for Amanda Rollins.
The detective had almost forgotten the other woman's presence in her home when she returned to her living space in her grey joggers and oversized hoodie again. She was so taken back that Olivia was still here, that she had stayed despite saying she would. Amanda had assumed she would have found Olivia had gone on a case or another work emergency when she came back out.
"Hey, there honey? How are you feeling?" The Sergeants voice was so honeyed Amanda couldn't help the tears that sprang to her eyes. Amanda couldn't have stopped the sob that escaped her lips as she approached the sofa if she had tried. She didn't.
"Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry," Olivia said as she reached out to envelop the sobbing blonde into her strong embrace. Rocking slightly from side to side and rubbing circles on the blondes back.
"I'm here, you're okay. I'm right here." She repeats softly to the distraught detective who lay her head on her chest.
It took Amanda longer than she'd care to admit to stop sobbing, an emotional release clearly needed, having sobbed until her body could take no more. She lay heavily against the brunette desperate for physical attention, her sergeants soothing fingers running through her hair giving her a sense of safety she so desperately craved. She always gravitates towards Olivia, the sergeant always emitting an air of safety and warmth. But had never allowed herself to seek out a fraction of care the older woman so willingly dished out.
"How are you feeling sweetheart?" Olivia asked softly, more than happy to provide the comfort that the blonde is so obviously craving.
"Mmhmm" she heard the blonde mumble in reply, her voice muffled by her chest.
"Are you in any pain?" Olivia asks as she continues her soft ministrations. Feeling the blonde shake her head, dipping down to see a blush forming on the detectives' pale cheeks.
"Are you still dizzy, I put the kettle on if you want some sweet tea?" She asked again, only receiving another head shake no in reply.
"Okay, why don't you lie down and have a nap I'll stay right here," Olivia instructed, seeing the blonde's eyes fighting to stay open.
"Are you still bleeding?" She asked the blush in Amanda's cheeks darkening as she nodded. "Heavy?" she asked again, receiving a barely there nod. This embarrassment is so uncharacteristic of the blonde who often overshared.
"Would you like to stay through here or get into bed?" She asks as Amanda sits up raising her tear-stained puffy face from the sergeant's chest, nodding towards the sofa.
"Okay hold on for two seconds." She explained before retreating to the bathroom, locating the linen closet and picking a dark coloured towel.
"Let's just lay this down just in case." She says reaching her hand out to the blonde whose face is now beetroot red with embarrassment her eyes downcast. Amanda stood up holding onto the brunette's hand and let the other women lay the towel over the cream sofa, secretly agreeing it was best, lest she leaks on her nice sofa it would be a nightmare to remove the stain.
"Okay get comfy," Olivia says with a slight smile patting her lap encouraging the younger women to lay her head down. Amanda surprising both herself and Olivia with her willingness to accept this tender intimate gesture. Clearly so desperate for comfort she's willing to surpass her instincts.
"You don't have to talk to me Amanda, but if you'd like to, I'm here to listen. This is a horrible thing to happen to you and I'm so sorry." Olivia said her voice in a hushed whisper, "I'm proud of you for telling me what's going on and for allowing me to be here for you. I know that's not an easy thing for you to do." She added, placing a maternal kiss to Amanda's forehead as she smoothed her fingers over the younger woman's damp hair once again.
"Thank you for being here liv," Amanda replies, her voice so quiet. She is still sounding in awe of the women's generosity with her time.
"It's not a problem at all. You don't have to thank me." Olivia stressed, desperate for the blonde to know she has people there for her if need be.
"I feel so broken," Amanda said after a pause of silence had filled the blondes living room, unable to turn her thoughts off long enough to drift to sleep.
"Oh Amanda, you are not broken. This is not your fault!" Olivia stressed attempting to look the blonde in the eyes, not surprised to find the younger women's gaze averted.
"It's not the first time it's happened." Amanda explained, "and I don't know whether to curse myself for being irresponsible or to feel disgusted in myself for being.. I don't know being uninhabitable." She explained cringing at her own word choice. Feeling a cathartic release much like her sobbing fit earlier had produced as she explained her feelings in the form of disjointed word vomit.
"I know that's not the case, both times it's happened I've been under extreme stress. But I can't help but acknowledge that the two times I have gotten myself knocked up..." she continues as tears seep through her closed eyes.
"What's wrong with me, liv? It's not just this, it's everything. Either I'm broken or I've broken everything good in my life." Amanda said her eyes still closed as Olivia feathered soothing fingers over her furrowed brow attempting to make eye contact with the broken woman in her lap.
"Tell me, Amanda, just let it all out. Tell me what's been going on?" She urged desperately to get to the bottom of the blondes sadness what has had her so stressed out. Although she assumes that it had something to do with the gambling relapse and her now rocky relationship with the squad.
"Oh, I don't even know... that's the thing, In the past few months my life has crumbled yet again and I don't know how I'm gonna get it all back together." Amanda continued her chest heaving.
"God why did I sleep with Nate, why did I let them trick me like that. I trusted them! Why? Why on earth would I trust them? And I trusted Nick, hell I slept with him too. He went to one of my meetings, Liv. I understand that's not... that it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but…" she sighed, steeling herself.
"I had one thing that wasn't tainted, one place I could speak openly and freely void of judgement. I've told strangers things I could never even tell Fin." Amanda rambled her thoughts tumbling out of her, aware that this isn't the time to be having this conversation and reminding herself that Olivia is now her boss.
"Liv I tried so hard to establish a life outside of work, I did have a life outside of work! But yet again work got in the way. The only thing I have is this job, the only thing I was proud of and I put that in jeopardy. I haven't done anything but work and sleep since Declan, who I also slept with by the way! Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm such a whore. Maybe that's why I'm broken." She explained now openly crying her face crumpled with grief as she attempts to put into words how awful she has felt the past few weeks.
"And the most shameful part of this all Olivia is that I was relieved. I'm nowhere near ready to be responsible for another soul, I mean you've met me. I'm a complete mess, I've spent the last week wrestling with the idea of being pregnant, my next step, then.. when I felt.. when I was sitting at my desk my first thought was that I didn't have to make the decision." She finished unable to refuse the opportunity to spill her guts to a listening ear, turning to her side to hide her face tucked into the brunette's stomach as she trembled with tears.
"Your right I'm not broken. This is my fault, the relapse, putting my job in danger and... it's all my fault." She ground out loudly although her voice was muffled against the older woman's middle.
Olivia listened to the detective understanding the need for the blonde to just get it all out into the open uninterrupted. Listening to the blonde describe what she can imagine is only a fraction of her unhealthy thoughts. Getting an insight into the blonde she thought she never would; a disjointed, vulnerable and still slightly filtered image of how the blonde viewed herself. Olivia is surprised as she is overcome with a sudden yearning for a relationship with the blonde outside of work, as she is reminded about how little she knows of Amanda's life outside of SVU.
"This. This is not your fault! You are not broken, you are not a mess and you are not a whore." Olivia said, tears silently cascading down her own cheeks.
"And regardless of whether you wanted a child or not this miscarriage is heartbreaking and I'm so so sorry that you're going through this." She said her voice so soft as she ran her hands up and down the blondes quavering shoulders.
"And as for everything else, well you're not alone now. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere no matter how hard you push. I am so sorry for everything that happened with Nick and I'm so sorry for the part that played in your relapse. We can sort all of this out sweetheart, I promise." Sadness and guilt had washed over Olivia.
Running her hand over the blondes back praying that her words had impacted the devastated women. Praying that she'd allow Olivia into her life, show her Amanda Rollins outside the precinct that she so desperately wants to get to know.
Olivia had noticed the blonde becoming more subdued since she had become Sergeant, assuming it had everything to do with the aftermath of her lover and sponsor Nate's betrayal. She had also witnessed her isolate herself from the squad, she had later assumed that had been due to the gambling relapse. She didn't realise it was because she had lost trust in them, that she was so deeply impacted by Nick's unauthorised undercover stint in her support group and his hurtful words. Olivia couldn't help but feel slightly to blame for Nick's actions although she was preoccupied and she didn't know or doesn't condone his actions, she is his partner.
She had failed Amanda and she vowed to herself and Amanda she would fix this.
A/N there is a second chapter that delves into Amandas trust issues and her anxiety at work, it needs a lot of work. So I might add to this.