Thank you all for your lovely reviews. Hope you enjoy this chapter.
Watching the blonde warily from her office, if she hadn't only left the other women's apartment only a few hours previously after the blonde had cried herself to sleep in her arms she would be none the wiser to the blondes current inner turmoil. Olivia had stayed on the sofa with her subordinate until the evening when a very embarrassed Amanda had awoken apologising profusely for trapping Olivia.
Amanda had arrived at work and acted although nothing was a miss. It was as if she was an entirely different woman altogether. The sergeant had watched the blonde give Nick a warning look when he clearly attempted to ask about the previous day. Olivia felt a wave of pride run through her, witnessing Amanda know her worth.
Olivia had felt an overwhelming need to be near the blonde all morning to hold her hand and caress her in a show of support as they passed one another. This sudden obsession with her subordinate was disconcerting to the older woman, she had always seen Rollins as a bit of an enigma but now she has a glimpse of what she knew to be the whole picture that was Amanda Rollins and not just the front she portrayed when in her company. Maybe it was the unknown. Or maybe it was the blonde. Either way.
Olivia continued to eye the blonde for the remainder of the morning and into the early afternoon. Slowly she saw the façade breakdown, the blonde was clearly in pain. Watching her take some medication she realised that it was time for the blonde to be truthful. A fact she knew she'd be unable to do without a slight nudge, a reminder that she could lean on her Sargeant that's why she's here.
"Amanda my office!" She insists after the blonde had taken a few measured breaths. She looked to be in a great deal of pain. It was getting ridiculous she clearly needed to go home and look after herself.
"Cramping?" Olivia asked as she took in the blondes slumped over figure. Amanda nodded.
"It's not that bad though Liv honest, it's just like bad period cramps" she dismissed "waiting for the pain meds to kick in." She added with an awkward but confident laugh.
"You're clearly not doing too great Amanda, let me drive you home?" Olivia said her voice warning suggesting it was not a question.
"Liv. I appreciate your concern. Please, I.. I'm cramping a little, the bleeding has stopped. This is what it was like last time. I will be cramping a little for the next week or so. I can't just go home." Amanda said, her voice desperate.
"Okay. Okay, you're on desk duty until the cramping stops. No arguments." Olivia said interrupting the blonde her voice so soft and caring, hoping to stop the blonde before she got even more worked up. "and you are going to sit down and take a minute. You don't have to go home for the full week but you can take a day? Process?" Olivia was concerned, to say the least, and the need to take care of her subordinate was insurmountable.
"I can't process right now. I'm all over the place, my hormones are all over the place, I just want to focus on work. Focus on the good we do..." she trailed off. "If I go home, I don't know if I could.. free time is not my friend. I would gamble. I might.." she said her voice barely above a whisper.
"Okay, thank you for being honest with me. I'm not gonna let that happen. I want you on my team, Amanda." Olivia said gently driving home the points she wanted to make; one that she would be risking her job and two that she could lean on the older woman.
"So let's just take a breather sweetheart. Come sit down." She directed, keeping her voice intentionally low in hopes that she wouldn't frighten Amanda off. Who seemed almost like a skittish animal a second away from fleeing to perceived safety.
Amanda sat down next to her superior with a concerning need to sit on the older woman's lap. She, however, sat as far away from Olivia as she physically could on the Sofa. She was aware the both had mountains of work to do. So she couldn't understand why her boss was so willingly sat with Amanda instead of tackling their now growing stack of paperwork.
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Olivia decided to voice one of the many questions that had been buzzing through her brain since she had entered the blonde's apartment.
"Have you been to a meeting recently Amanda?" Olivia asked cautiously, it wasn't her business. But the blonde had brought up her addiction without prodding and she could shut her down with a lie if she needed. The blonde shook her head no.
"I tried, but.. I've tried a couple of times. I got anxious and I just couldn't bring myself to go in." She admitted, surprising herself and Olivia once again with her truthfulness. Amanda knew she was at the end of her rope, that something had to give.
She spent almost all of her days in a constant anxious state and she was mentally exhausted. With every pet name and soft tone, Olivia was breaking Amanda down, faster than she thought would be possible.
"Is there anything I can do? I could come with you? Or we could find you a.." before Olivia could finish her sentence Amanda interrupted.
"Sargeant... I appreciate the offer. Thank you. Umm... I'm going to get back to work." Amanda said standing up desperate to escape, refusing to answer any of the brunettes questions. Olivia knew there was no point getting Amanda to stay, she instead stood too but reached out to squeeze Amanda's shoulder.
"Well, my door is always open. Please, please come to me if you need anything." Olivia said, hoping to convey as much sincerity as physically possible in one sentence. Amanda nodded as she left the office refusing to meet her superior's kind eyes.
A few hours passed and the day was getting harder for Amanda. She was becoming worried as the cramping had become much more intense since the awkward conversation she had been forced to have with Olivia. And was debating taking her up on the offer of a ride home.
"What's wrong?" Nick's voice came from behind; she turned from her position at the coffee machine to see a very concerned look on her co-worker's face. "You're in pain!" He states obviously. She nods slightly not even attempting to deny it, she was in pain and his concern was touching.
Instantly she recognised her mistake. She had given him an in. "What happened? What's wrong?" He said reaching out to place his hand on her hip.
Olivia, who was watching the interaction from the window in her office, had noticed Amanda stiffen under the touch of her colleague. Making her way over to the pair as quickly and inconspicuously as she could. For a split second, Amanda looked genuinely terrified. She had a look, a look Olivia had seen on many women's faces, a look she had seen on her own face.
Oh, Amanda.
"It's just my time of the month Nick. It's none of your business." Amanda said anger seething through her tone.
"No.. are you sure you're okay? it's later than usual." Nick said confidently. Olivia got there just in time to stop Amanda from punching him square in his face. An overreaction Olivia thought as she grabbed Amanda's arm, but saw tears shimmering in those baby blues that showed just how scared the blonde was.
"Nick my office!" Olivia said, not sparing him a look as he rolled his eyes, murmuring something about a private conversation.
"Take five?" She said to the blonde her voice much softer. She had managed to avoid a scene, and the sergeant wanted to keep it that way.
"Do you understand how inappropriate that was?" She said as she closed the door behind her.
"Olivia.." he started.
"Sargeant!" She insisted. "Right now I'm not your partner nor am I your friend. I'm your superior and you'd do best to remember that." She said her voice conveying her anger at this situation.
"That's twice I have witnessed an unbelievable push of the boundaries. I should suspend you for your little trip to the ladies room yesterday. We work with Special Victims, the majority of which are women, who would be terrified to find a male in a restroom that is supposed to be a safe place." Olivia felt too angry to get her point across clearly, taking a deep breath to steel herself for a minute.
"Not to mention, you're tracking Amanda's menstruation? Are you tracking mine too? Or is it just the cute blondes." She said driving her point home.
"I'm not tracking it!" He said with a roll of his eyes. "I just noticed... I guess." He said his head hanging low, internally accepting that she had a point. He had crossed a couple of lines. "I'm just worried about her." He said looking up to his superior.
"Nick I do think some of this is worry. But I fear some of it is a lack of control. You're used to Amanda sharing with you and now she isn't, I think you're becoming a little obsessed with the unknown." She said her voice softened hoping that Nick would agree with her reasoning.
He was becoming a little too Elliot-esk in regards to Amanda, constantly needing to know what's happening in her life, needing to be the one to comfort her, to protect her and Amanda was clearly shying away from the attention.
"She's my friend Sargeant I'm just concerned." He said although it held little conviction, this isn't the first time he'd been called out for having a little bit of a control problem when it comes to his girlfriends or in this case ex-lover. Not as much as the men he came into contact with through his work, but nonetheless, even he could recognise he had crossed the line.
"Also regardless of your previous relationship or friendship with Amanda or again any female colleague, I'd like to remind you of how inappropriate it was for you to reach out to touch Amanda's hip." She added, "as a result I want you to take the online sexual harassment course." She finished strongly. It wasn't a severe punishment, but the only punishment other than desk duty she had enforced on any of her detectives as her role as a sergeant.
"This is ridiculous." He spat, he was getting angry. "I'm not going to take a course on sexual harassment," He said about to walk out of the office.
"Oh yes, you are! And I will remind you that as your supervisor and acting commanding officer you will be following my direct order." She said with a ferocity she saved for perps. Being undermined was something Olivia wouldn't stand for.
"yes ma'am," he said, he realised his mistake. He left the office with his tail between his legs.
Amanda didn't return from her break, instead texted Olivia that she had left with Fin on a domestic argument call. Olivia rolled her eyes huffing loudly, her subordinates not listening to her brought her so much frustration but she didn't hide the smirk when she thought about what she had put her captain through.
Less than an hour later Amanda and Fin had a man in the small interrogation room. Amanda was sitting down, her hips were stiff and she was having a hard time moving around without looking strange. But her anger was boiling as this man quite obviously drunk recounted confidently all the things he did to his wife because she 'deserved it'.
It was an unusual case to Amanda; it involved very little investigation, the wife was driven to the hospital by the uniform officers maintaining that she fell, while the husband quite proudly admits to punching her in the face for the way she organised his shoes. Amanda had a rage building inside her and anxious energy that was consuming her. She suddenly found herself slamming her pen down and leaving the room. Allowing Fin to finish the confession and book the perp. She slammed the door and shuffled to her sergeants' office, the tightness in her pelvis making it hard to take larger steps, she was aware irrationally angry, fuming at the husband to a worrying degree. Having to excuse herself before she caused him any physical harm.
Olivia, who had watched the blonde throw her pen down and storm out eyed her expectantly as she joined her in the office.
"I think I'd like to go home now if that's okay?" She asked her cheeks red with fury. She knew her hormones were to blame but she also knew herself well enough to know she was seconds from blowing up on some poor unsuspecting bystander.
"Yeah of course, but hold on a second. I wanna know what's just happened?" Olivia asked cautiously, she was suddenly wary to let her walk out of the precinct on her own.
"Ugh, Livia." She spat angrily. "I'm pissed, I'm hormonal and listen to the ass hole talk about what he did to his wife with such casual confidence I could kick him!" She continued as she rocked back and forth leaning heavily on her bosses desk. "Not to mention it feels like my uterus is attempting to kill me from the inside out." She continued, yet again falling victim to Olivia's compassion. "And Nick and his casual touching have resulted in my Anxiety reaching a new peak. Now I have to re-establish boundaries that I thought I'd cemented long ago!" She was all but shouting now. Her face bright red, she was aware she had said way too much and desperately needed an out.
Talking about Nick and her Anxiety at work was too much. Her chest was becoming tighter and she eyed the doorway desperate to escape.
If she was honest with herself her anger stemmed mainly from her conversation earlier with Nick. She was angry at him, embarrassed by her reaction and angry at Olivia for feeling the need to rescue her. But mainly she was angry at herself for blurring the boundaries she'd set up between her and her co-workers. Angry at herself for the fear that jutted through her when he reached for her hip. And anxious at the idea of it ever happening again.
"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia said so softly a complete contradiction to Amanda's harsh monologue.
"Don't!" She spat in response. Why did Benson level empathy hurt? She needed to escape while desperately wanting to throw herself into the other women's strong embrace. "Just.. may I head out a little early?" She asked, her voice lacking the previous ferocity.
"Yes. But please call Amanda if you need anything, even if it is just a distraction, I promise I won't ask you any questions." She said softly, heading the warning the detective had shot her. Her sympathy wasn't wanted right now. She could respect that.
Olivia watched as the blonde walked a little stiffly collecting her things and leaving the bullpen. She had felt such a maternal need to look after Amanda the past couple of days and she didn't know if it was that she was now Amanda's boss or she saw something in Amanda that she was desperate to protect. Either way, she was going to be there for Amanda in any capacity the blonde would allow.
A/N I split the chapters, the length of the last chapter just makes me uncomfortable. So another one to follow, delving into amandas anxiety at work and her reasons behind it.