Carying on with the chaotic structure, i've enjoyed adding more depth to this story.
Major trigger warning for talk of a miscarriage, and feelings surrounding this. Please read with caution.
Olivia woke up to the shrill ringtone of her phone, always loud and prepared for the call into work. Glancing at the clock and heaving a sigh, 2:20 am.
"Liv." Amanda's voice is soft and quiet on the other end of the line.
"Amanda? are you okay?" Olivia asks sitting bolt upright in bed. She hadn't heard from Amanda since her outburst in her office a few hours previous.
"I.. I was wondering if.. I'm in the ER could you come?" She said haltingly. Olivia said to ask for help; she reminded herself. Liv was safe. This was ok.
"Which ER?" Olivia asked, moving quickly as she pulled on a pair of leggings.
"Bellevue, sorry I know it's a little far," Amanda said guiltily. There was a brief pause as Olivia scrambled to get ready.
"I'm on my way. What happened?" Olivia said, ignoring Amanda's apology as she grabbed her jacket and key and headed to her car.
"I'm losing a lot of blood," Amanda explained without hesitation. "I'm scared liv." She admitted, desperate for the brunette who had been so caring around her recently.
"I'm coming sweetheart. I'm sorry. I'll be twenty minutes, okay?" The sergeant said, pulling out and driving down the road at an alarming speed.
As soon as she had hung up with Amanda, she flicked on her siren. The blonde had admitted she was scared which translated in the brunette's mind, as terrified.
Making it to the hospital in record time, She basically bit the receptionist head off before the women had pointed to the curtain offed area.
"Amanda?" She asked tentatively, asking for permission before pulling back the curtain.
"Yeah?" The blonde called back. Olivia took this as all the permission she needed before pulling back the curtain and making her way over to the blonde.
"Hey there," Olivia said as she approached the blonde in the bed.
"Thank you for coming. I know it's late." Amanda was quick to say.
"Hush. Of course, I came." She said, running a hand down blonde hair. "What happened? What's going on? Have they stopped the bleeding?" She asked her questions coming out rushed.
"I don't know. I just.. I woke up, and there was so much blood. So much blood. I just called an Uber and got here a few minutes before I called you. Someone put me here; they're sending someone to do an ultrasound." She said honestly. She had been terrified to wake up to so much blood on her sheets. Amanda had planned to go to her doctor soon to make sure that everything had passed naturally. But had panicked and knew it was time to seek medical attention.
"I'm sorry, Amanda," Olivia said, smoothing the women's hair. "I'm here now. You're okay. Everything will be okay." She said as she watched the blonde attempt to contain her tears, something that she'd seen her do too many times in the past few days.
"I feel so silly for calling," Amanda said with a self-deprecating laugh.
"It's not silly at all. You can always call me. Especially if you're in the ER." Olivia comforted.
"I would have driven you to the hospital too you know, you didn't have to get an Uber," Olivia explained further. Desperate for the blonde to know she had allies if she'd only use them.
"I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but when I got here, everyone was so overly kind. As soon as I said 'miscarriage' they were quick to isolate me and been so sweet. I just got overwhelmed pretty quickly." Amanda explained. "I think they're having a slow night; someone has asked me like five times if I'd like a cup of tea." She said with a smile. The concern and worried eyes that shot from one nurse to the other had Amanda's stomach turning to led. She felt so utterly alone and reached out to the only person she wanted at that moment.
"The bleeding seems to have slowed down. I really should have just stayed at home." Amanda says guiltily looking at the hospital sheets. She had been asked to change into a hospital gown and was still in her underwear with a maxi pad that they had given her on arrival.
"No you were right to come in Amanda, you should trust your instincts." Olivia comforted, taking a seat next to the blonde.
"Any pain?" Olivia asked as she sat on the seat beside Amanda's bed.
"No." She explained she had been cramping pretty bad earlier that is why she had woken up and panicked to find the blood-soaked sheets.
Olivia rubbed Amanda's leg sympathetically. She was heartbroken for the detective.
"This didn't happen last time.. last time I bled for like one day and then the bleeding tapered off," Amanda said quietly, embarrassed that she had possibly overreacted.
"Okay, well we're going to find out what's going on. Okay?" Olivia soothed.
They didn't have to wait much longer before a doctor was down to see them. The women introduced herself and apologised for their wait. After making sure that the younger woman was comfortable with Olivia's presence, she continued.
"Okay, Miss Rollins," the doctor started.
"Amanda" the blonde corrected.
"Amanda, I am going to ask you a few quick questions?" The doctor explained. Waiting for a nod of assent.
"So when did the symptoms of the miscarriage start?" The red-haired MD began.
"Uhm Thursday," Amanda answered.
"Do you know how far along you were?" She asked, receiving an embarrassed head shake in response.
"Could you tell me what happened?"
"I was cramping a little, and I bled heavily so heavy I had to sit on the toilet for a little while. Then continued to bleed for the remainder of the day." Amanda explained grimacing slightly at the memory.
"And you told the nurse you were cramping a lot yesterday?" She asked.
"Mmhmm, it got gradually worse. And then again when I woke up." Amanda explained.
"Okay, and how is the pain now? Still cramping?"
"No." She says with a shake of her head.
"Now this might be a little uncomfortable, but when you were bleeding heavily on the toilet, did you feel anything come away?" The doctor asked, her tone very sympathetic it made Amanda squirm.
"Yes. And it was a little while after that the bleeding tapered off slightly." Amanda explained.
"Okay, well I'm going to do an ultrasound, and we can have a look and figure out what's going on." The doctor started, as she pulled the ultrasound machine closer to the bed, the blonde was lying on.
"This is going to be a little cold." The women explained, her tone soft and her eyes full of compassion. It made Amanda squirm.
As the doctor squeezed the cool jell onto Amanda's slightly bloated stomach, Amanda turned her head to look at Olivia. Scared eyes locking with big brown ones full of empathy.
"Okay, so it looks like you have had what we call a partial miscarriage, which would explain the continued heavy bleeding and cramping. I think we can avoid a D and C. What we can do is, wait and see if it passes on its own. Which likely will happen, or I can prescribe you misoprostol which can speed the process along." The doctor asked as she manoeuvred the machine away from the blonde's bed. "The medication can take a little while to take effect; it will cause some cramping as it encourages your uterus to expel the tissue. It can be quite painful." She added, looking into the blonde's eyes.
"Yeah, I am happy to take the medication. Can I take it and go home?" The blonde asked desperate to leave the hospital.
"Yes, I'm happy for you to go home. I would advise not going home alone, and It would be good to have someone there to seek medical attention should you need." She said, looking to Olivia.
"I'll stay with her." Olivia nodded, ignoring the blonde who looked embarrassed by the suggestion.
"Okay, I will have someone bring you the prescription. You will need to have a follow-up appointment with your ob-gyn in the following week and keep an eye out for infection. That's a fever, any foul-smelling discharge and the bleeding should stop within two weeks." She explained before heading out.
"You don't have to come home with me liv," Amanda said looking over to the older woman who was looking at her, chocolate orbs oozing sympathy that looked to Amanda a whole lot like pity.
Amanda took in the look in her boss's eyes and instantly felt white-hot anger pierce through her, an overwhelming urge to flip the bed she was lying on. To throw the chairs and rip down the curtain.
"Of course I don't have to, but there is no way I'm letting you go through this all on your own." Olivia replied, "so I can come home with you or I can call Fin. Or we can call someone else entirely." Olivia explained.
And suddenly Amanda's anger had dissolved at the idea of Olivia leaving her. Tears of frustration that had threatened to fall turned to fast-flowing rivers of anguish down flushed cheeks. Olivia was quick to reach the blonde gathering her slowly in her arms.
"Don't go," Amanda said as she clung tightly to Olivia.
"I won't, sweetheart; I'm not going anywhere." Olivia soothed. Her heart broke for the blonde but was so grateful that the younger woman was willing to ask for help. "I'm sorry your scared, but you're not alone. Everything is going to be okay." She continued to soothe, hoping to calm the woman in her arms.
"Just please get me out of here," Amanda said her voice choked.
"Okay lovely, we will leave soon," Olivia said, laying her cheek on Amanda's head.
It was a little while before the duo pulled up to Amanda's apartment. Amanda had taken the medication at the hospital and told it would kick in pretty quickly. She felt mortified when the nurse brought out a dignity sheet to place on the seat of the car 'just in case'. Amanda, however, had never been so happy to be in the brunettes company.
She had always had a fear of hospitals even when she was younger, had always ignored her symptoms to avoid doctors visits and loathed the idea of ever being driven off in an ambulance. It was never the fear of getting sick, nor was it the doctors themselves. She could never pinpoint why hospitals caused her so much anxiety, but all she knew is that the presence of the brunette lessened it. Who was eager to support the blonde, Amanda didn't want to deny her.
Olivia couldn't help reaching over and holding her subordinates hand when she started to drive away from the hospital and had barely let go of her since. Now they were sat side by side in Amanda's living room, Amanda having changed back into her sweats and given a couple of post-pregnancy sanitary towels before leaving the ER.
Olivia wanted to ask her how she was feeling, how the cramping was, but the look of embarrassment on Amanda's face stopped her from prying. The Sargeant was grateful neither of them was on call. She didn't know how long this medication would take to take effect. But she knew they were in for a long weekend regardless.
"Sorry about waking you up earlier," Amanda said as she settled into the sofa, she had taken her jacket off and threw it over the back, Olivia doing the same.
"Don't worry about that, honey, how are you feeling?" She asked as she settled in on the other side of the sofa, sensing the blondes need for some physical space.
"Sore," Amanda admitted, desperate for the older woman's comfort but unsure how to seek it. "And so... so... tired." She added.
"Would you like to head back to bed?" Olivia asked after noticing the longing look the blonde had sent towards the bedroom.
"I have to change the bedclothes first." Amanda huffed, she couldn't walk very far her pelvis was tight and uncomfortable. She could feel her lower stomach cramping, but it was more tight than painful.
"No, I can do that. It's why I'm here." Olivia said about to stand up.
"You don't have to do that, that's asking way too much." Amanda protested but didn't attempt to stand.
"Amanda, lovely..." Olivia began, "you haven't asked anything off me.." she softly pointed out, "I'm offering, and if it makes you uncomfortable then that is okay, but I am completely fine with changing your sheets, throwing them in the wash, and getting you into bed." Olivia said softly, "o,r alternatively, you could lie here."
Amanda who desperately wanted to be in her nice cosy bed, shot a longing look to the bedroom once again. "The bedsheets are in the bathroom closet." She replied.
After Olivia had re-made the bed, she placed the blood-soaked sheets to the side to deal with later; she had wiped the mattress clean. She had understood upon seeing the bed why the blonde had been so scared; the bed looked like it belonged at a crime scene. Amanda was snuggled under the warm duvet and looking up to the brunette with so much trust. It was still early in the morning, and the brunette looked exhausted after being ripped out of bed only hours after entering it.
"There's room for two if you want to have a nap too liv?" She confidently asked as she lifted the corner of the duvet, inviting the brunette in. Olivia gratefully accepting the offer settled in on the other side of the bed.
"I really love your apartment," she said, taking in the bright pink wall. "It's not at all what I would have expected." She said, turning to face the blonde.
"Really, what did you expect, more of a mess?" The blonde laughed turning, so she was face to face with Olivia.
"Well.. yeah." Olivia giggled, the noise, in turn, made Amanda cackle. It was a weird moment of levity but much needed.
"Well, I'm a bit more put together than I appear," Amanda explained with a smile. Olivia chose not to delve into the reason behind this right now. The blonde was obviously physically and mentally exhausted.
It couldn't have been an hour after they had drifted off to sleep that Amanda woke up, cramping having increased tenfold. This was worse than it had been the previous day; she could feel that she was bleeding heavily and shuffled to the bathroom. This was going to be the worst of it; she was sure.
Mimicking her position in the precinct bathroom, she pulled her pants down and settled herself on the toilet. She couldn't help but groan at the pain that tumbled through her. Once again dazed and in pain.
"Amanda, are you okay?" Olivia knocked on the door softly. She had woken up to find that the blonde was no longer in bed, but had followed a few drops of blood that led to the bathroom. The sympathy in the older woman's tone so soft that Amanda was once again powerless to the sobs that racked her body. For what felt like the one-hundredth time in the past 48 hours, Amanda's body betrayed her, letting her emotions flow out.
Amanda is both desperate for the other women's attention and desperate for privacy but is in such a compromising position the decision is made for her.
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm right here," Olivia said as she slid down on the other side of the closed door in response to the heartbreaking cries from the detective. Desperately wanting to be closer to the blonde. "Whenever you're ready." She added.
A while passed, and Olivia heard the shower running, she got herself up from the unforgiving floor and wiped the blood from the floor. Deciding to grab Amanda a change of comfy clothes and laying them out on the now made bed.
The maternal feelings she had that made her want to coddle the blonde was immense, and she found herself once again doing the blondes laundry before fixing the blonde a breakfast of orange juice and scrambled eggs.
She had heard the younger woman exit the shower and make her way to the bedroom minutes before an exhausted looking blonde walked into the open kitchen area.
"Hey lovely, how are you feeling?" Olivia asked her voice, honeyed, full of sympathy. But this time, Amanda didn't shy away from it. Instead, she took it upon herself to seek further comfort. Walking over to her Sargeant and squeezing the older women's hand.
Olivia was once again in awe of Amanda, in the space of only a few days she had seen an entire 360 in the blondes personality. She saw a strength in Amanda's vulnerability that was inspiring, but slightly heartbroken. Realising that for the first time in the years that she had been working with Detective Rollins had she been given the pleasure to meet the real Amanda Rollins.
After they had eaten breakfast, Olivia had taken stock of the blondes symptoms and forced another glass of orange juice on the blonde they were now sat side by side on the sofa once again. They were absentmindedly watching re-runs of an early 90s sitcom. Olivia couldn't help but feel the need quite selfishly to take advantage of the blondes vulnerability and subsequent openness.
"I have to ask Amanda," she began turning on herself to look the blonde in the face. "The incident with Nick in the squad room, is there anything you would like to tell me?" Olivia asked tentatively, hoping that Amanda would have come to her if she was made to feel uncomfortable. But knowing that likely wouldn't be the case.
Amanda shook her head no.
"Everything between the two of you was consensual?" Olivia added, desperate for the answer to be yes.
"Oh yes, liv, of course. He can be a dick sometimes but Nicks a good guy." Amanda said, looking at Olivia briefly before turning her attention back to the tv, desperate for this line of questioning to stop. She meant it, Nick and hers 'relationship' mainly just casual sex had been mostly initiated by her.
She didn't want to delve into her issues with Nick. Especially since she was yet to talk to him, he had shot her a couple of apologetic glances. But she still feared that he would be mad at her, or that he would corner her at work again and she wouldn't be so lucky to have an out. The thought of seeing him at work once again shot a surge of anxiety through her nerves.
"Well he and I had a little conversation about boundaries, I would like you to let me know if he pushes them again," Olivia said still keeping her eyes on the blonde, once again she saw the dread run through Amanda's face. Much like the look on the blondes face when Nick had reached out for her.
Amanda wanted to argue that she could handle herself, that Nick hadn't done anything and to beg Olivia to stay out of it. Instead, she only nodded. Because in the end, could she look after herself?
The lack of argument worried the Sargeant greatly. The detectives' willingness to reach out for her support during her miscarriage was unusual in itself, but she was aware that it was mainly due to the older woman's persistence. And that had Olivia not stayed in the bathroom with Amanda; the junior detective would have never let her know what was going on. But allowing her to step in with her relationship with her colleagues was a red flag for the Sargeant.
"Are you sure there's nothing I need to know about Amanda, I feel like I've gotten to know you a bit better in the past couple of days. And I can't help but notice a complete character shift between detective Rollins at work and when it's just the two of us." Olivia acknowledged without an ounce of judgement seeping through.
Amanda understood completely; in fact, Amanda hated the person she was at work. Amanda hated herself period. But the persona that she suddenly adopted at work was irritating and just overall made her job more challenging. It was her Anxious Amanda persona, the detective had never handled stress well or anxiety well, even as a child. She'd often become irrationally angry, sometimes mean and had the habit of acting out whenever she felt an ounce of anxiety. The false bravado came later when her anxiety would often have to be pushed aside to keep an eye on her younger sister.
She wanted to explain this to Olivia, explain that the person she was at work wasn't the real Amanda. That the character shift Olivia was referring to was due to the junior detective feeling somewhat secure in Olivia's presence. But she couldn't figure out how to word it, how to explain this to Olivia in a way that the Sargeant could still respect her afterwards.
How could she voice the superiority complex that was built from her crushing insecurities placed upon her as a small child, or explain the anxiety she feels around her male colleagues, she deems irrational. Tell her of the overwhelming pressure that fills her belly when she enters the precinct every morning, without Olivia finding out that she is weak and quite possibly a little mental.
"Well I haven't been feeling too well Sargeant," Amanda began, deflecting the line of questioning with what she hopes is a reasonable excuse. "And no one is the same at work as they are at home are they." She said with a little venom in her tone.
"I know sweetheart, I'm sorry," Olivia said, ghosting her fingers over damp blonde hair. "And I'm so grateful that you have let me be here for you. I am honoured that you have begun to trust me. I'm here for you Amanda not just right now but for as long as you need me." Olivia finished, feeling overly emotional.
Perhaps it was due to the lack of sleep or her heartbreak at seeing the blonde so hurt. She was again feeling slightly uncomfortable at her overwhelming need to comfort the blonde. Mindful that Amanda had previously initiated physical comfort, she did reach out to place her hand on the top of the blondes back as she continued.
"As your CO and as your friend, please let me know when your ready, why it is you feel so uncomfortable being yourself at work," Olivia said knowingly. There was no denying that the blondes different behaviour was due to some form of discomfort in the workplace.
Olivia continued to rub soft circles on the blondes back consumed by the idea that maybe there was more to the story of Amanda and Nicks relationship.
Amanda listened to the knowing words of her Sargeant, desperate to explain. To put a voice to her irrational fears, maybe voicing her anxiety would take away some of its power. The constant anxiety meant Monday through to Friday she felt exhausted, ashamed, weak, and she was barely a functioning person Sunday evening terrified of the morning that followed. The guilt that followed all three of the aforementioned constants was what kept her awake at night. She was so fortunate, and she loved her job. She loved her relationship with her partner, and yet she frequently considered picking up and running once again in search of a sense of safety.
The anxiety of the previous conversation and the continuing cramps in her lower stomach made it difficult to concentrate. Suddenly once again overcome with sobs her hormones have resulted in amanda having the emotional range and responses of that of a tired toddler. Olivia doesn't question her and wraps the blonde in a tight, safe embrace.