Trigger warning for talk of sexual assault and sexual harassment. Not graphic.
There is no return of William Lewis in this fic, he's in prison.
Olivia thought that she and Amanda would have a better relationship following their trip to the ER and subsequent 'slumber party' ordering pizza and cuddling on the sofa while Amanda began to feel better. Amanda had again refused to take any time off and returned to work as though nothing had happened.
The few weeks before the Lieutenant arrived to relieve liv from her acting position, Amanda hadn't had much improvement about her behaviour work Amanda was still 'work Amanda' and Olivia didn't get the chance to spend time with her outside the precinct, not for lack of trying, however. Amanda and Nick's relationship has stayed on the odds a little but Nick seemed to know his place. Well at the very least Olivia hadn't witnessed anything untoward.
Ever since Lieutenant Declan Murphy has taken over leadership of the squad, Amanda has been increasingly harder to work with. Snapping at her co-workers, insistence to go off on her own and the seeming need to distance herself physically from all her co-workers. She had been so bitchy lately and her constant need to be the devil's advocate had begun to rub Olivia the wrong way, the blonde she had become very fond of was becoming almost intolerable.
"Rollins." Murphy gestured with his hands to follow him into his office. Amanda's heart sank, she knew this was coming, she knew she deserved to be disciplined for her actions but she genuinely had no idea how to stop herself.
Olivia watched as Amanda followed the Lieutenant into his office. She couldn't help but feel that need to protect her younger officer, she too knew that Amanda had been out of order the past few weeks but couldn't still the want in her heart that told her to reach for the blonde and take her far away from the precinct.
"Do we have a problem, Amanda?" Murphy asked after Amanda had closed the door behind her.
"No sir?" Amanda answered innocently, feigning confusion.
"I'm going, to be frank with you here, we slept together and then I became your co, I can understand that might be difficult for you. But I have given you enough time to adjust. It's time you learned how to play well with others Detective." The Lieutenant explained he cringed at himself at how condescending he sounded. "Look I didn't mean for that to sound so... well... I'm sorry, listen your a good cop and a brilliant detective. You go above and beyond the call of duty for all of the victims that walk through that door. But that can only go so far if you refuse to be a team player." He said, he knew Amanda, he admired Amanda but he found her difficult to work with nonetheless.
"Yes sir, I agree," Amanda mumbled.
"We were friends first Amanda." Declan started a new route, "if you want to tell me what's going on I'll listen I'll try and help?" He said, "but if you can't work with this team I will transfer you to a new one." He threatened desperate for the blonde to tell him what was going on, fearing the outcome of both their jobs if she was unable to work under him.
"I'll try harder Lieutenant," Amanda replies secretly debating whether a transfer would, in fact, be the right move for her.
"My doors always open detective." He said with a wave of his hand dismissing her.
Declan was stressed he couldn't very well transfer Rollins out of SVU, that would be a bad move on his behalf. Even he knew how rare it was for the unit to find a dedicated detective. But she was on her last few strikes that were sure.
"Sargeant." The lieutenant called out into the squad room, the team were packing up to leave for the day. "Have a seat." He gestured with his hand.
"I want to ask if there has been a noticed change in Rollins recently?" The lt asked casually
"Yes sir, quite noticeable actually." She started, "but she's still a good cop, just become a bit less of a team player." She acknowledged.
"I can see she's good at her job, but I fear my transfer might have impacted her, and I'd hate to be the cause of a blip In her career," Murphy explained. "I'm going to take a step back in teems of Amanda and appoint you as her direct supervisor for the time being if that would be okay with you?" He asks, he can't help the selfish motives that have led him to this decision, but he hopes that the Sargeant won't notice them.
"Rollins?" Olivia calls knocking on the blondes car window. She had seen Amanda when she pulled up next to her and could see her gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles were turning white. Olivia herself was almost running late, so why Amanda was sitting in the car garage instead of rushing to the office to make it on time concerned her. Amanda didn't seem to notice the brunette on the other side of the door and Olivia could see the blondes chest heaving, peering up to the window it looked as though the blonde was crying. Before she could talk herself out of it, the brunette opened the passenger seat door of the blondes car and got in beside the blonde.
It was only when the door closed behind Olivia that crying women looked up, tears in her eyes, her breathing coming out in short gasps.
"Oh hey, hey, hey." Olivia cooed. "You're alright lovely, you're alright." She comforted as she placed her hand on the blondes back.
"I can't go in there liv. I can't." Amanda panted, her entire body burned as a layer of cool sweat bloomed as an effort to relieve her. Leaning to lay her head on the cool material of the steering wheel.
"You don't have to honey," Olivia promised, Amanda visibly relaxed her shoulders, it was a couple more minutes of Olivia rubbing the blondes upper back and urging her to calm down before the blondes breathing relaxed as-well.
"do you want me to drive you, home sweetheart?" Olivia asked, Amanda wanted to protest, insist she was capable of working or at the very least drive herself home but she wasn't too sure that would be the case. So instead she just nodded tiredly.
Once Olivia had Amanda situated in her passenger seat, she texted Fin to let him know she'd be a little late and asked Nick to come in a little earlier than planned.
"Sorry Liv, I'm okay now," Amanda said before Olivia could turn on the car, her voice a little stronger than it was before. "I can work." She finished, looking up to Olivia her cheeks burning with embarrassment.
"Are you sure, I don't mind dropping you home? Your welcome to have the day, your clearly not feeling well." Olivia said as she ran her thumb under the blonde's eyes to dry the last of her tears.
"Mmmhmm." Amanda said, "I'm fine and we're understaffed as is." She argues although she couldn't think of anything she'd like to do less than go into the precinct.
"Okay.." Olivia started, they were understaffed even with nick coming in a little earlier. But her detectives' mental health was much more important to her. "Let's go upstairs and have a quick talk before we do anything?" Olivia asked rubbing the women's arm before getting out of her car once again and leading the blonde up to the squad room.
She went into her Lieutenants office the blonde following behind, Fin had sent her a perplexed look as she had passed, but smiled softly at Amanda. Olivia closed the door and the blinds that lead to the squad room, leaving the sun shining through. The office was still tidy but empty, devoid of Olivias personality that had made the room feel warm and safe.
"Have a seat," Olivia said as she sat down on one of the chairs patting the one directly in front of her.
"Can you tell me what's going on?" Olivia asked looking into the tired blue eyes in front of her. Her heart tightened in her chest, desperate for Amanda to finally open up. To let her in.
"Oh.. uhm.. it's nothing." Amanda tries, unable to find the words to tell her Sargeant that her anxiety was too much to handle. That each morning pulling herself out of bed was a task in of itself. How could she explain her fear of her colleagues, that they were undeserving of. The flashbacks she had to her time in Atlanta, how could she complain about any of it, to the woman who had been to hell and back and survived.
"Well, I just found you having a panic attack in the car park so I'm guessing it's more than nothing?" Olivia stated, "Now I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on?" She tried again.
"I don't know.," Amanda said desperately.
"You don't know?" Olivia asked confused, "you don't know what's wrong?" She clarified.
"No, I know. I just don't know how to explain it." Amanda said embarrassed. Olivia nodded sympathetically.
"Does it have something to do with Lieutenant Murphy?, I know that you too have a history?" Olivia asked tentatively, Amanda had told her that they'd slept together but it had been when she was vulnerable and ill it felt wrong to remind her.
"No, it's not that. It's hard to explain. I just... feel like.. work just makes me so anxious these days. It always has, but.. I don't know.. it was easier when you were in charge. But now it's gotten worse, I just don't know how much more I can take. But I love my job, I can't leave it." Amanda explained.
"I don't want you to leave," Olivia said her face slightly crestfallen, her breath had caught in her throat at the idea of the blonde leaving SVU. Amanda was Olivia's favourite person to work with even when she wasn't, she was dedicated, funny and never failed to make her feel like what they were doing was worth it. Well, she had been until Murphy that is.
"can you try to explain why it was easier when I was CO?" She asked, her heart warmed slightly at the notion. She hadn't told the blonde about her conversation with Murphy, who must have sensed that Amanda's strange behaviour had something to do with his appointment. She was planning on telling her this morning and felt the need to leave it out of the current conversation, hoping Amanda will be able to see her as more of an equal, as a friend.
"I knew I was safe with you," Amanda answered without hesitation.
"Do you not feel safe now Amanda?" Olivia asked her voice just above a whisper. The familiar fear now that maybe Amanda's relationships with her colleagues hadn't been entirely healthy.
"Logically I do, but working in Atlanta.. it was a boys club down there." Amanda began, "you had to be careful and.. well... it's like I've worked here for a few years now and I still haven't... it's like my body is on constant fight or flight, always ready." Amanda explained, "but now It's different I know it is and it got better, but then, history started repeating itself. With Kim coming to town and then Nick and Declan, I pushed the boundaries with the men I worked with. What was I thinking." She finished, the detective knew she was rambling and making little sense, but hoped it would be enough for Benson to understand.
But before the Sargeant could say anything, "god I'm so stupid." Amanda blurted our, punching her thighs with closed fists. "Stupid, Stupid, Stupid."
"Hey.." Olivia said reaching out to grab the blonde's hands. "You're not stupid Amanda. Not at all." She soothed, giving the blonde a moment to catch her breath.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Amanda repeated.
"Oh lovely, were gonna fix this. It's okay." Olivia said reaching her hand out to squeeze the blonde's shoulder. After a few minutes the blonde had calmed down, Olivia was watching carefully, grateful that she had asked Nick to come in. Deciding that Amanda took precedent right now, the mountain of work could wait.
"Can you tell me more about Atlanta sweetheart?" Olivia asked cautiously. Feeling as though the problems lay beyond Nick and Declan. That they were mere reminders.
"It was fine at first, I was pulled up to be detective pretty early on. I had done a good job on a few cases and my deputy chief called me in. I had earned my detective badge Liv." She assured the older woman, "but everyone assumed it was because I was pretty and blonde." She added with the role of her eyes.
Olivia smiles at her encouraging her to continue. She had many similar comments, that she was brought in to fill the diversity quota. Look at her now.
"It was little comments at first, sneers here and there. There were a couple other women detectives a little older than I was at the time, both of them kind of took me under their wing. They both eventually transferred out, and that's when the comments got worse..." Amanda took a minute to take a deep breath avoiding Olivias sympathetic gaze. "I couldn't make a mistake, I couldn't be late, I couldn't take a break, I couldn't ask for help or else I would be told I wasn't good enough to be there. They'd have to teach me a 'lesson'," she explained with a shudder.
"I had to deal with almost every victim that came through the precinct as the only women there, we were SVU so of course, we were short-staffed. But I was exhausted so of course, I made mistakes." She said, realising she was sounding whiny, "I know I sound like I'm being dramatic.." she tried to backtrack.
"No, Amanda that sounds awful, I'm so sorry," Olivia explained interrupting the blonde. It was a few minutes silence before it was clear Amanda wasn't going to keep talking.
"You said they'd teach you a lesson? How would they do that?" Olivia asked her voice so soft almost a knowing whisper. She was scared of the answer she was about to receive, but everything started falling into place. The blondes inability to ask for help, her need to distance herself from her colleagues and her trust issues with the members on the team.
God, she was good. Amanda thought, looking deep into those knowing brown eyes full of understanding.
"Well, it started off that anyone, in any rank could give me a telling off. I had to just take it, put on a brave face and laugh it off. If I ever took offence I'd just get 'we thought you could take a joke' 'this is what it means to be one of the boys Mandy'." She explained with a roll of her eyes.
It was clear to Olivia that the detective was getting to a part in her story that made her uncomfortable. A few minutes of silence and it was clear that the blonde once again wasn't going to continue without prompt.
"You said at first?" Olivia whispered again.
"Yeah, well like I said it was a boys club. I had to be one of the boys, I had to get along with them. So there were touches here and there. A smack on the ass for a job well-done. I had to joke with them, flirt back with them, I let them think it was okay." She rambled again, her story coming out fast and rushed.
"But I guess I gave them an In because one day I came into work to everyone was teasing me, claiming that I had only got my job by sleeping with the deputy chief, I had heard this rumour throughout my entire time on the unit, so I didn't think much of it. I laughed, teased them back."
Taking a deep breath, her eyes trained on the floor. Her hands clasped in her lap, she was going to do it. She was going to spill her secrets to Olivia Benson.
"Well to my captain this was all the confirmation he needed that I was nothing but a slut. Who didn't deserve to be on his unit? It didn't matter that I had the most arrests, or that I was the only person on the squad who truly knew how to get through to a victim." She huffed her face red with anger now, "my partner messed up on a case, he was young, had gotten worked up over a child molestation case. The perp complained. So my captain pulled me into his office after everyone had gone home, told me that I should have known better, I should have stopped him, that he thought I knew how to handle a man. That he had to teach me a lesson." She said with a shiver, her anger and shame mixing as she told Benson, a story she promised herself she would take to her grave. "I fought. I fought hard, he... he raped me." She spat the end of her sentence out, it took her brain a second to catch up with the words that were pouring from her mouth so quickly. She took a sharp breath, her hand covering her mouth as if to stop any more confessions falling from her. Looking to Benson with pleading eyes, begging her to forget everything she had just heard.
"It's okay Amanda," Olivia started, "your okay." The soft sympathetic tone of her Sargeant was all the permission her body needed to release a torrent of tears, her shoulders heaving with sobs.
"Oh sweetheart, come here," Olivia said reaching out to the blonde. Amanda wasted no time leaning forward into the older women's arms. "That's it, honey, let it all out."
"Liv, I went back to work the next day, and I was so well behaved. It just proved to him that it worked." She sobbed so ashamed of herself, "why did I go back?" She asked both to herself and the older women.
"Because it was your job, you did nothing wrong," Olivia assured her detective. Olivia's mind was reeling, she had her suspicions, Benson was almost always able to detect a survivor. Her superior officer, Olivia's blood boiled in her veins. Too many times was she disappointed in her fellow officers, she too had come to resent the badge. Just another means for angry arrogant small-minded men to hold a sliver of power over others.
"Did you report it?" Olivia asked, already knowing the answer. Her tone void of judgement and full of empathy.
"No, there was no one to report it to." Amanda defended herself. She had wanted to. But she knew how this squad worked, the only people who would have believed her would have kept their mouths shut to protect her boss. And her bosses boss, well he was the worst.
"I'm sorry Amanda, that sounds awful. Would you like to tell me some more? or would you like a break?" Olivia asked soothingly, her arms still wrapped around the blonde leaning forward awkwardly in her seat.
"I'm not reporting it, Liv," Amanda said leaning away from the Sargeant. Her voice was panicked, she knew this was a bad idea.
"You don't have to, you don't have to do anything." Olivia quickly assured,
"It's not worth pursuing," Amanda said her voice barely a whisper.
"That's how they win," Olivia replied, her heart broke. Amanda looked exhausted as if they weren't only an hour into their shift but five hours deep on a night shift. "You're worth it Amanda." The Sargeant said strongly.
The silence that followed meant so much to the blonde. The fact that her superior officer wasn't attempting to push the blonde to report her attack, hadn't even suggested it. She hadn't need to beg the brunette to drop the issue the older woman had listened to Amanda. There was no victim talk of healing or stoping them from hurting someone else. These were things Amanda already knew and Liv knew she didn't need to remind her. Amanda knew she could trust Olivia, she knew talking was healing, and she took a big step today. She was proud of herself, for the first time in forever.
"Thank you for believing me." Amanda interrupted the silence. She had never felt so cared for than she did when she was with the brunette, Olivia had shown genuine care and in recent weeks had attempted to create a friendship with the blonde. One that Amanda had hoped for years ago when she first met the Olivia Benson.
"Of course I would believe you, 'manda it was never a question," Olivia said slightly taken aback, wether Amanda was telling the truth or not hadn't even crossed her mind, surely the younger detective had to know that.
Amanda could only nod, she knew logically, but after all the lying she had done I'm recent years, with gambling and her sister. She understood why they wouldn't trust her.
"I'm happy you feel safe with me Amanda," Olivia started again, "But you deserve to feel safe at work, feel safe with your colleagues. I can understand why you didn't report your assault at the time, we believe you, Fin will believe you, Nick will believe you and we will have your back every step of the way if and when you decide to peruse this." Amanda nodded. Olivia surveyed the younger woman who was trembling in her seat.
"But right now, let's try to focus on your immediate needs hmm?" Olivia asked the junior detective who looked so small, "would you like a bottle of water?" She asked, reminding herself of the physical tole a disclosure can have.
Amanda nodded but looked frightened at the prospect of being left in the office alone. Olivia popped her head out of the door and called to a uniform to grab her a bottle of water, without leaving the office she returned to Amanda's side with an open bottle of water in seconds.
"Now can you try and tell me a little more about how you've been feeling at work lately?"
Olivia said softly after a few minutes of silence as the blonde drained the bottle of water. Amanda nodded, taking a deep breath. She had already come this far. Slipping into boss mode, Olivia as determined to keep Amanda on her squad.
"I don't know, when I first arrived, it was easier like a weight had been lifted off of me. Then Nick happened, we were just sleeping together... and it first it was fine. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was having fun with it y'know. I had slept with my colleagues before, I made it clear that was all it was sex. Then when things started to.. I don't know fall apart, it would be easy to just walk away or so I thought.. but the close relationship... the odd touching..." she explained "you know Nick, he's passionate. And he was protective and then he went to my meeting and my private life and personal life started to mix." Amanda explained.
"It's not his fault at all. It just scared me a little that my work life and personal life were mixing.
I had agreed when I came to New York my private life and my personal life would remain separate, that way history couldn't repeat itself. But... I just ended up developing two personalities. Home Amanda and work Amanda." She explained, "that worked too until it didn't."
Olivia had gotten the gist of what Amanda was trying to say, the younger woman was clearly anxious and not making much sense but the sergeant knew that she was missing a key part of the information regarding the younger woman's time in Atlanta, fearing that the abuse she was subjected to at work had merged into the blondes home life. Having an inkling it had something to do with Kim. She understood the core of theblondes anciety,where it stemmed from. Amanda was triggerd everyday she entered the precinct. They were not the stressor, they were not the problem, only the trigger.
"Now I don't know how to act, as soon as I enter this building my anxiety peaks and I am suddenly on autopilot. Then next thing I know I'm being yelled at." Amanda explained, "I guess my autopilot hasn't calibrated to New York yet, going off on my own, not trusting my co-workers." She added with a shudder, "I love being a cop liv, but I don't love all that we represent."
Olivia nodded at this sentiment she too was beginning to resent the structure that was the PD. A job she was once proud to be a part of, too many story's like Amanda, too many murderers among them. Her brothers in blue were becoming more of the enemy than she had ever admitted to herself. The new administration giving them cause, protection.
Looking around her superior's office, Amanda had been to many training seminars regarding responses to trauma. She could recognise the symptoms of PTSD that had plagued her for the past few years. Could even follow them back to Atlanta, when she had fallen headfirst into her gambling addiction. She was aware of her triggers, she chose not to deal with them, tried her best to avoid them. But being in her superior's office was one unavoidable but harrowing trigger. Suddenly her thoughts were on her old captain, her deputy chief and the sneering faces of her old colleagues. Aware that Olivia was sat beside her, agreeing with her last statement, but unable to comprehend. Her thoughts focused on her old job, what she had survived, what she had let happen. What it had done to her.
Olivia said that they could fix this, that it would be okay. Olivia hadn't let her down yet.
"I think I need help liv." She whispered looking up to her friend, her tired eyes swimming with tears.
Olivia stared back into blue eyes, losing the fight with her own tears. She had felt such a deep connection with Amanda in recent months, ever since she had gotten to know the real her. She had been desperate to help her and looking into the dark pools of despair that were guarded by a strong blue. She couldn't stop the flow of tears, she knew the fear Amanda had referenced. She'd lived it, with Lewis, with her mother.
When Amanda's tears fell too Olivia reached out for her colleague, pulling them both to the floor Amanda half on her lap. Rocking the now sobbing woman.
"We'll get you, help sweetheart," Olivia said squeezing the younger woman to her chest.
"I just want you to help," Amanda whispered as she clung to the older woman for dear life. Scared that she would get up and leave her.
"Okay sweetheart." Olivia agreed, she would push Amanda to talk to someone later. Right now she was going to hold, rock and cry with her friend. The rest will come later.