Elphaba watched the couples from a distance, an unreadable expression on her face. Was it envy? Curiosity? Amusement? Confusion? Disbelief? Disdain? Fascination? Longing? Not even Elphaba herself knew. But even though this question remained unanswered, she continued to watch them dance, celebrating their romance. Such occurrences were common at the Emerald City, there was always at least one party going on somewhere, but there was always a tiny part of Elphaba that forever remained… baffled? by these strange, cultish, social gatherings. That much hadn't changed since college. And although she cognitively understood what she was looking at, something deeper inside her could never quite understand the world's obsession with romance, and she could never quite understand her own disinterest in it either.

Had she always been so indifferent to romance? Or was it something that had developed after years alone? Was it just genetics? Or had she convinced herself over the years that romance was not a world she would ever be allowed to partake in? The truest answer was likely somewhere in the middle, but that did little to help the green witch ease her mind. For the most part, she didn't mind living a life without romance and sexuality. But in times like this, when it was flaunted right in front of her face, she was reminded once again of how strange she was, and it stung. Maybe she wouldn't even be able to admit that truth to herself, but it really did hurt to think that she was the only one without even a desire for a partner. As perhaps paradoxical as that sounded, it was true. Sometimes what hurt Elphaba more than lacking a lover was lacking the desire to even have one.

It was just that, being reminded of her differences always stung. And to think about her loneliness, that also stung. But the cherry on top was to look at her weirdness and wonder why she didn't have more of an attraction to romance. It wasn't a question of males, females or any other type of sex or gender. She wasn't interested in any of it at all. That was the problem. Maybe to some, it was a strange problem. Why would the lack of desire for a partner cause grief? Well, it didn't make sense to Elphaba either. All she knew was that, every once in a while, the remembrance that she didn't even want a partner made her feel… humiliated, curious, confused… and broken.

A few times before, she'd halfhearted tried to force her feelings, but never once did it go anywhere. The first had been with Boq, who had seemed like the easiest and most obvious choice for a partner. He seemed like her best fit in so many ways. But even though all signs pointed to their relationship making sense, romance never followed logic and try as Elphaba did, she never was able to change her platonic feelings into romance.

Next was Glinda. Elphaba had managed to make a few sparks fly between the two of them and, for at least a few months, the feelings she harbored for Glinda were all too real. But even though they felt beautiful and painful at the same time, there was still a distant numbness in the back of her mind like an ever-present whisper reminding her that no matter how genuine her love for Glinda was, it still wasn't quite what she wanted it to be. And, just as with Boq, it had been something Elphaba had forced. Did romance even exist? Elphaba wasn't sure. On the one hand, it didn't seem to be. But on the other, she was so inexperienced that she was hardly the best person to come up with answers to questions like these.

Next, and most recently, was Fiyero. He had never been on the list, but then again, nor had becoming a Revolutionary. In the world Elphaba lived in, life always found a way to choose the path most unexpected. First, being disillusioned by the Wizard. Next, running away from Shiz. Next, becoming an underground rebel. Next, being labeled a terrorist. Next, reconnecting with an old college mate whom she hadn't even been that close to anyway. Next, choosing to try to engage in a romance with him.

Even now, she wasn't sure if she truly loved him, or if it was a mix of other factors that led to their steamy affair. Was it loneliness? Desire for some modicum of normality in an otherwise crazy world? Or was it still Elphaba subconsciously chasing the thing that had eluded her since childhood: romance? Even when other kiddies on the playground got "boyfriends" and "girlfriends", Elphaba was alone. And it wasn't even always just because of her green skin. Some children had tried to "court" her, but always she would spurn them. And then she would berate herself for it in anger and confusion. Why did she keep rejecting if she was really so hungry for love? Or why was she so hungry for love if she kept rejecting?

Was it because she was trying to be someone she was not? Or was it because her efforts had only ever been halfhearted at best? And if it was the latter, what should she do about it? Should she try again, but with more effort? On the one hand, if she put more effort into it, it meant a higher chance at success. But on the other, if she had to put that much effort into just wanting someone, it would be nothing but a cruel reminder for her that she was abnormal and had to force romance in order to make it work. And was it really true love if she had to put on a mask and force herself to play a role? Perhaps sometimes it was good to leave comfort zones, but where was the line between trying new things and being disingenuous and disrespectful to your true self?

"What is it that I want?" Elphaba finally asked as she continued to watch the city-goers waltz with their lovers. "Is it companionship? Am I lonely? Or is it normality? Do I feel guilty that I'm not more like everyone else?"

"Do I really love him? Or have I only tricked myself into thinking I do? Is this what either of us deserves? Would it be better to end things now and go back to being alone? Or is it worth a shot to keep him around anyway?"

But to Elphaba, the scariest question of all was that if she did indeed manage to actually force her feelings to conform to her wishes, was that good or bad? Even if Elphaba was uncertain of everything else, she was certain that there was something there now that she felt for Fiyero that wasn't there before. So had she truly done it? Forced herself to fall in love with him? Was that even possible? Had she done it?! Or did she give herself too much credit? Had it been more of Pandora's Box thing? But even if that did lift some of the guilt off her shoulders, that still didn't fix things. Was it good that she'd opened this box? Or should she have left it closed?

Because the thing was, even if the feelings were now genuine, how good could she feel knowing how they started? And as selfish and fickle as it sounded, a part of Elphaba was scared that even now, she still couldn't control her feelings. Even if she had forced them once, she could already tell she wouldn't be able to force them again. That was to say, she wouldn't be able to fall out of love with Fiyero. At least not by her own willpower alone. So regardless of whether or not her feelings for Fiyero were natural, or something she'd forced, they were here to stay. That was what scared her. Because they felt so strange, confused, conflicting and paradoxical. None of them felt right or safe. How could Elphaba live on feelings like that? But again, this felt like a one-way street. She'd started this affair, now it was out of her hands if/how it would end.

"But are my feelings for you even truly true?" Elphaba whispered again. She wasn't sure which idea felt more unpleasant: the idea that the only reason she loved Fiyero at all was because she forced herself to. Or that her feelings were indeed genuine (for once!) but still… not… quite… right… Because even though a tiny part of her wished he could've been there with her to join the dance and do what normal, cheesy, romantic couples would do, the other part felt so uncomfortable at the idea. Remember, she wasn't born for the rose and pearl.

As messed up as it sounded, Elphaba only hoped that the latter feeling existed because she was so unused to affection, and not because she was somehow inherently broken. Even if both options were tragic, at least the former implied that she could unlearn her fear of intimacy, trust and commitment. Like, if the reason she was so repulsed by the idea of romance was because she had never experienced a positive one before, maybe there was still hope for her to get better?

But that brought them all back to square one. Were these issues genetic? Or acquired? And what was the better option? To accept them as part of her identity that she shouldn't feel compelled to change? Or something that she should challenge, and not because society said so, but because it would benefit her personally? What did "getting better" mean in this situation? Getting more romantic? Was that a belief worth following? Or just society's culture brainwashing her into thinking that the only happy, meaningful life was the one with romance on the side?

Oh! Why couldn't she just have been normal?! Why couldn't the normal pangs for romance just hit her during puberty and come as they were supposed to?! Why did she have to have been born different?! Why did her romantic feelings never bloom?! Why did nothing work?!

"I suppose I just wasn't born for the rose and pearl," Elphaba sneered, finally rousing herself from her stupor. She rose up from her place in the shadows and slowly turned away, prepared to go home and forget all about the dancing and romancing. That was enough for one night. She was going to spend a nice, quiet evening in… alone

"I wasn't born to love or be loved. I wasn't born to feel or be felt. Ever since I was a child, I never had any desire for romance. Then puberty came and went and still my heart remained cold and silent. Even after all the times I tried to force it during college, nothing ever truly worked!"

But Fiyero…

"Do I even truly, really love him? Do I even know how? Would I recognize true love if it were to come up and slap me across the face right now? Have I truly begun to fall for him? Or is it only something I brainwashed my own head into committing to? But regardless of whether or not my feelings for him are natural, are they good or bad? Should I continue or should I stop? What is the more dishonest choice? What will hurt less?

"Is what I feel for him even love? Or did I do something wrong? Have I broken myself so badly over the course of my life that I don't even know how to love anymore? Did I ever? Did I make some grave error when I tried to shut my emotions off? Am I even capable of them anymore? Beyond the superficial, of course… What is it that I feel for him? Who's fault is it? Should I like it or not?"

There were just too many questions, and not a single answer to be seen.

I just wasn't born for this. I wasn't cut out for this. I don't deserve this. I don't even want this. I wasn't born for the rose and pearl…

But sometimes… I wish I had been…

AN: IDK guys, just a random angsty drabble that is slightly nonsensical and mostly just a possibly aro and/or ace Elphaba wondering why she can't love like everyone else can.