This is a series of Grimm based one shots.

I welcome your feedback, suggestions, and ideas.

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Monroe falls off the meat wagon

Grimm Supernatural/Adventure/humor

Characters: Nick B, Adalind B, Diana, Monroe, Stefania Popescu

...

Monroe is looking around in the wreckage of a destroyed caravan. "Man, I'm really thirsty. Do you remember running across any bottled water earlier? They have to have something." He looks over at Adalind "Oh, what the heck was all that stuff you and Diana were saying to that weird lady? I've never heard that language before."

Adalind looks and says "I'm not really sure. I guess it had something to do with her" and motions towards Stefania Popescu, the old Gypsy Queen, who was tied to a chair propped up in the Nevada desert sand screaming curses at them.

Adalind is looking around for something to wipe the blood off her face. "I swear, those guys must have lived off raw garlic and onions. Monroe, I have no idea how you bite throats out like that. Yuck!" She spits again.

Now Monroe is snickering. "Amateur! You have to bite in deep then twist with one quick motion. Like this". He makes a biting, twisting motion with his mouth then continues "The blood doesn't all end up in your mouth. You went all vampire and bit straight into the middle."

Nick scowls at his best friend for giving his wife pointers on ripping out throats with her teeth.

Monroe laughs out loud. "Wow, Adalind, that's a lot of blood..

Adalind looks down. Her outfit is ruined...

Diana has started crying about her cheek. "Mom, it hurts. She slapped me hard." Adalind hugs her and says "Honey, Let's see if we can wash that up."

Adalind looks at little Kelly and says "Nick, I sure hope you have change clothes for Kelly in the car. His clothes are dirty now. Who ties down a two and a half year old kid? *grumble* At least Catherine is with Rosalee! I hope they have water here because I am going to need to wash this one. He's not getting in the car like this."

Stefania is still screaming curses at all of them when Diana starts complaining. "Mom, I'm hungry. I want pizza".

"Honey" Adalind says "We just had pizza on Tuesday. I don't want pizza".

"But mom! I like pizza!"

"Honey, I don't think there's any pizza around here, and besides - it's like 6:00 in the morning. Hey Nick, Monroe - do you guys remember passing any restaurants on the way out here? We were sort of tied up and didn't really see anything."

Monroe snickers at Adalind "I don't think you want to go into a restaurant looking like this. We look like a bunch of vampires who fought off the zombie apocalypse with hammers. Speaking of - you still have brain in your hair from the one Nick smashed with the chair."

"Ewww!" There is a squish in her shoe when Adalind stands up. She makes a crazy face. "Nick, seriously honey? How did you get an eyeball *inside* my shoe? I smooshed it and it's in my toes!" She kicks her shoe off and scowls "This pair is ruined! *grump*. Those were my good Clarks."

Monroe has been rummaging around the destroyed camp and has found some clothes. It's all hideously ugly old touristy looking stuff. He holds out an outfit with a big goofy smile.

Adaind complains "Seriously Monroe? All you could find is bright pink sweat pants that say 'Bubble Butt' and an old lime green 'Lake Tahoe' tee shirt?"

Monroe laughs out loud "Unless you want Nick in one of her Gypsy dresses, but I don't think it's going to look right on him."

Adalind has been rummaging around for clothes and finally comes out. "How is it possible that with all these people, the only thing I can find is this!" She walks out in an extra tight lime green tube top and bright pink skin tight shorty shorts.

Nick's eyes pop out of his head at the sight of his wife dressed like this and he smiles a giant smile. "Mmmm baby! It says 'Stripper' across your butt." and playfully slaps her on the butt. "Daddy Likey! Hey, look, we match! Just so you know, you are keeping that outfit! Wow! You should wear that for me and be my stripper tomorrow night!"

She smiles and slinks up to him and teasingly twirls around him "So you want me to be your bad little witch?"

Nick is at a complete loss for words. He is mesmerized by her figure accentuated by the ultra tight and very tiny clothes.

She smells the violence and blood on him and her eyes flash bright blue. It's a drug to her. She says "Mmmm! So Mr. Grimm, how many people did you kill to rescue little old me? You know I like it when you kill people." And she starts kissing and licking his neck.

Monroe looks at them and says "Focus you two! We gotta get the kids in the car!"

Her eyes sparkle and she says "Come on Monroe, you're no fun!"

Monroe looks at Nick and sees his eyes are glazed over. He knows the witch has been at work. "Adalind! Seriously, that's not even fair! Come back to me bro, we need to get everybody in the car and get out of here. Nick? Buddy?"

Now Monroe is laughing and turns to Adalind "Ok, if I drive and let Diana sit up front so you two can sit in back - will you at least let Nick get in the car?"

Adalind laughs with a twinkle in her eye "Can I sit in his lap?"

Monroe laughs at her "Ok, sure"

"Deal!" She looks at her husband and snickers "I'm not even using any powers. It must be the tube top. Gosh this thing is really tight."

Monroe looks at Nick again who is still mesmerized and laughs out loud. Then he smiles at Adalind "Oh, you're definitely using powers on him. I guess you don't have to be a witch to work that magic". She smirks then winks at Monroe.

As they are getting everybody into Nick's SUV the old Gypsy queen is still screaming and cursing them.

Monroe asks about Stefania. "Hey, what about her?"

Nick looks surprised "What do you mean?"

His friend replies "Aren't you going to do something about her?"

Nick shrugs "Like what?"

Monroe persists "Kill her maybe."

Nick shrugs again "I don't know, I guess not, why?"

Monroe is surprised "You mean you are just going to leave her tied to the chair like that?"

Nick is done with the adventure, though "Yeah. Everybody is tired and we have to get the kids something to eat. I am sure Rosalee has called you 50 times. Anyway, I really need a cup of coffee."

Now Monroe is thinking about some himself "I could use a decent cup too - but I doubt there's any good coffee within 75 miles of here. Wow, You should see yourself in those pink pants."

Monroe snorts with laughter and says "Bubble Butt!"

Nick smiles and says "I do it for the chicks!"

Monroe looks at him again "Always the ladies man! Anyway, what if that crazy woman comes after us?"

Nick smiles and says "I have a feeling that's going to work itself out."

The vultures had already arrived. They were hopping around and picking at corpses as the family got in Nick's SUV. They were hungrily eyeing the Gypsy Queen tied in the chair.

Adalind gets in, sees a shopping bag full of snacks and drinks, and says "BBQ pork rinds! Aw, Monroe, how sweet. I know you made Nick buy these for me. I love these things. Where did you find them?"

Nick rolls his eyes.

Monroe smiles and says "We found 'em in a gas station just this side of the Nevada border. Hey, pass a bag up here too."

Adalind looks and says "You are going to fall off the meat wagon for pork rinds?"

He smiles again and says "Meh, I fell off the meat wagon with gypsies. I need something to get the taste out of my mouth. I mean you just can't get these in Portland."

Adalind smirks again "And RC Cola too? Awesome! I used to love drinking this with my grandpa on the farm."

*Crunch*. Monroe is smiling as he snacks on salty BBQ flavor fried pork rinds and drinks a sweet RC cola "I haven't had these in a coon's age! Hey Nick, you want some?"

*Grumble* "I don't know how you guys eat those things!" Nick is looking at them in disbelief. "Seriously Monroe? You are falling off the meat wagon for fried pork skins?"

"Don't knock it till you try it!" Monroe smiles as he crunches into another one and snickers "How sweet! The whole Burkhart family in lime green and pink! You guys all match! I need to get a family picture of you guys!" *Snicker* "Bubble butt! I gotta say, Nick, you sure do have style."

Adalind smiles a sly smile "Hey! I like his bubble butt!"

*Crunch* Monroe snickers "Meat? Really? I don't know if you can call these meat. I mean look! It says Gluten Free! Non-GMO! 8-grams of protein per serving!"

Diana is crunching away on the BBQ pork skins. "Hey Mom, these are good. Can we have these at home?" Nick rolls his eyes. Even little Kelly is nibbling on one.

Monroe calls up Rosalee once they get cellphone reception. "Hey hon, on the way home. Yep, everybody safe and sound! How are the kids? Great! Hey, let's get some steaks! Yeah, the real ones. Am I feeling OK? Yeah well, I sort of fell off the meat wagon today. Huh? No, Gypsies! Yeah, probably not tonight, I am pretty full. So anyway, we may as well have a steak to celebrate getting Adalind and the kids back." *Crunch!*.

He noticed Adalind giggling and Nick was real quiet back there. "Hey Nick buddy, you OK back there?" Monroe looks back in the mirror and sees Nick's eyes completely glazed over with a goofy grin on his face. Adalind has pushed herself up in his face while she sits in his lap. She isn't paying any attention to the snacks anymore - she is lightly running her hands in his hair and on his face while licking and kissing his neck. He had fought a lot of people rescuing her again and she can't help herself.

Monroe is snickering now "Hey you two! There's kids in the car!" He sees his friend is now in another world from Adalind's witching touch.

Adalind laughs "Can't a girl have some fun?"

Monroe looks at her in the mirror "Hey, you guys want to come over for steaks and crack open a bottle of wine to celebrate?" He looks back and Nick is still in another world.

Adalind's eyes twinkle "I think we have plans tonight. Why don't you guys come over tomorrow, our treat?"