Among the many skills Janet Wood had learned in her lifetime, one vital skill was missing. She had never learned how to be alone.
Maybe it was because she had never needed it. As far back as she could remember, she had always been in the centre of things, surrounded by people wherever she went. Solitude was something she sought out once in a while, when she got tired of all the noise and bustle and needed some time to herself. During those stolen moments, she might have been alone but never lonely.
Now that solitude was forced upon her, loneliness came crashing down like a stone falling out of the sky.
She had spent several months in Indiana, surrounded by her family. Before that, a few weeks in Fresno with her old friend Chrissy. It had felt great to rekindle a once close friendship which had almost fallen by the wayside. Even though this new Chrissy was nothing like the Chrissy she had shared a room with for years. She had to keep reminding herself that this savvy, collected, sensible woman ably parenting two adorable tow-headed boys, efficiently running her household and tending to Janet's every need was the airhead blonde of her younger days.
Just as promised, Chrissy had accompanied her on the flight to Indiana and stayed with her at her parents' house in Speedway for a couple of days, which was the longest her family could spare her. After that, Janet had been coddled and cossetted by her parents, who mourned Jack as their own son but were ecstatic to spend some time with their daughter whom they had barely seen in the past seventeen years. On her rare days off, her sister Jenny whisked her away to her place in Indianapolis and tried to entertain her by every distraction available in the city – a show, dinner at a fancy restaurant, drinks at a trendy spot. She even reconnected with some of her high school friends she had lost touch with years ago.
She had recovered from the consequences of the catatonia she had fallen into after Jack's funeral, regained her physical strength and some of her looks. Every day she told herself it was time to head back to L.A. and finally come to a decision about her future. Yet, she lingered, putting off both from day to day, week to week.
She had always believed that work was the best antidote for any heartache. One of the last things she remembered before everything went dark was Jenny trying to convince her that she shouldn't be alone at a time like this and imploring her to come back home with her. She had refused, saying – or perhaps only thinking, because at some point she had stopped talking completely – that she was going to have her hands full sorting out Jack's business affairs and that keeping busy was the best thing for her in this situation. She had not reckoned with just how shattered she was.
She had not thought of Speedway as her home in nearly two decades. Home was L.A. She dreaded the thought of ever going back there.
Finally, she had run out of excuses. She booked the flight, packed her things and went through all the tearful goodbyes.
Her first impulse upon arrival was to check into a hotel. She gave herself a good swift kick and took a taxi to her empty condo.
...
Janet sat at a table in one of the neighborhood cafés. She had hoped that a large cappuccino would clear her mind and help her focus on the problems at hand. So far it wasn't happening.
Wherever she went, wherever she looked, she was accosted by pain. At times it almost felt good. She would sink into her grief as if into a deep, comfortable featherbed and wrap it all around her. Grief was now her constant, faithful companion. She couldn't even remember how she had once lived without it. If it ever went away, she might be left feeling even lonelier.
At other times, when the pain was too much to bear, her go-to remedy was trying to push thoughts of Jack out of her mind by focusing on the big question: What was she going to do with herself for the rest of her life?
Everything was still up in the air. She knew that the best thing for her would be going back to work and plunging head first into the day-to-day minutiae of business. She would once again be in the centre of things, amidst her trusty, hand-picked team, her life too crowded for loneliness, too jam-packed with activity to feel empty.
But was it meaningful enough? Would it give her the same sense of satisfaction and fulfilment as before? It had made perfect sense to build that whole world for herself where she wasn't hopelessly hung up on Jack. A world which wouldn't collapse if one day he was no longer part of her life. And how did that work out for her?
It might have worked if Jack had simply left her. If she knew he was alive and well somewhere. She loved him enough to wish him every happiness, even if it wasn't with her, and eventually move on with her life. But now? Now there was no way of stopping every world she inhabited from collapsing.
Should she stay on as a silent partner? Or sell up and get out of the game completely? And do what? Unload the condo, move back to Indiana? Get involved in volunteer work? She had taken Jenny's suggestion to heart. The one thing she was certain about was her determination to follow through on it. There were a lot of ways her money could be put to good use where it would make a real difference. Signing fat cheques was just one. Another was doing the actual work. Whatever that implied, she knew she would be good at it.
But first, she needed to get her act together and stop vacillating. So far, she hadn't even been able to make a decision about visiting a salon. She'd had quite a shock when she looked in the mirror and saw that her hair, once dark as midnight, had gone salt-and-pepper…
Raised voices coming from nearby broke through her reverie. She looked up to see a teenage couple bickering at the table next to her.
"Sean, chill! What's your damage?"
"Don't even, Lisa! Who do you think you are, dissing my best homey?"
"What? You're breaking up with me over that? That's, like, totally cold!"
"Bite me! You can take yourself to the prom!"
The boy jumped up and stormed out.
As if on cue, the barista turned on the music, and the café was filled with the silvery, heartbreakingly clear voice of young Skeeter Davis:
"Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world – "
Startled, both Janet and the girl at the next table looked up at the same time.
For a split second, Janet felt as if she were looking at a younger version of herself. Not only because the girl was as dark-eyed as her and as achingly pretty as she had been at that age. But also because the silly kid stomping out of the café spelled the end of the world for the girl as surely as Jack dying on that operating table in San Francisco had for Janet.
"I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was – "
The raw pain in the girl's eyes mirroring her own was too much. Biting her lip, Janet stared down at the table.
" – Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye."
When she glanced at the next table again, the girl was gone. The table was now occupied by a handsome man in his mid-forties.
The sight of him triggered a memory from a previous, very distant lifetime which started buzzing around her brain like an annoying gnat. She rubbed her temples in frustration. He couldn't have been anyone important, or she would remember. A chance acquaintance, perhaps. Who cared anyway?
Then, just as their eyes met and recognition dawned on his face, it all came back to her. A complex memory – a flashback within a flashback…
...
"You've got some nerve showing your face here!"
It was almost closing time, the shop was empty, and the sight of his imposing figure framed in the doorway filled her with alarm.
To her surprise, Gregg "the Fern Guy" Halliday smiled a disarmingly shy smile.
"I know. I had to muster all my nerve to do this. But I happened to be in the area, and I was wondering if you were still here and… and if we could talk."
She shrugged. "What's there to talk about?"
"Can you just hear me out? What do you have to lose other than a few minutes of your time?"
"Okay, I am listening." She tried to look as uninterested as possible.
"That whole thing a few months ago. It was a mess. You agree?"
"I couldn't agree more. A sordid mess."
"I've been thinking about how it all ended that way. I'd like to try and clarify a few things." He paused and drew a deep breath. "I was smitten by you right away. I am not going to apologize for that."
She gave up on trying to fake boredom.
He continued. "You weren't just lovely. You looked awfully young and so innocent, so wholesome, so unlike most girls around here… So there I was, wondering if I dared ask you out for a cup of coffee or a movie without offending you, when suddenly you – "
" – I jumped the gun with that stupid invitation and ruined everything," she finished for him, red-faced.
"Well, put yourself in my place. When you invited me over and made a point of letting me know we would be alone in your apartment, it threw me for a loop. I couldn't understand how I could've misread the situation so terribly… how I could've misread you. I confess, I was even a little disappointed. But hey, if the offer was on the table, I wasn't going to say no, right? I am only human, after all."
"That offer was never on the table, Gregg."
"I figured that out eventually when you started yelling at me."
"You didn't have to get all nasty before walking out in a huff."
"I know. I'm not proud of it. But do you have an idea how frustrated I was at that point? I hadn't been able to say two words to you all evening without someone butting in. And," he dropped his eyes, "I was turned on as hell. Can you blame me for that? You ever had something you wanted that badly snatched away from you?"
"I guess I see your point," she admitted reluctantly. "But what you assumed was going to happen wasn't at all what I had in mind."
"Just wondering. What did you have in mind? What did you expect us to do?"
"Oh, I don't know… Perhaps just sit and talk without interruptions or distractions! You said it yourself. You can have no privacy in my apartment. My roommates are always milling around, and I can't very well order them to stay in their bedrooms all evening. I thought it might be easier if they were out."
"No kidding," he chuckled. "That was a regular mob scene back there. There was that guy with that gal, and then that crazy old man who wasn't making any sense… I am beginning to see your point, too."
"You want to know something, Gregg? I was also into you right from the start. That's why I got so flustered that I didn't even realize how misleading it must've sounded to you. I am also human, you know. You said I was different from most girls you meet. Well, you seemed to be different from most guys I meet! You seemed like someone I could enjoy having an actual conversation with. And also someone I could trust. That doesn't happen too often, if at all."
"So, all you wanted to do was talk?" He looked her straight in the eye as if challenging her. She blushed.
"Okay… if the talking part went well, then maybe… maybe make out just a little."
His face lit up. "I was right about you the first time, Janet. You are lovely and innocent. What's more, you were right about me, too. I have a feeling it would've worked out great for both of us."
"It might've, if I hadn't messed it up. It was all my fault."
"I wouldn't say it was all your fault – But wait, if that's how you feel, why did you bark at me just now when I came in?"
"Because I was too embarrassed. I've also been thinking about that, and I realized how confusing it must've been for you. And you aren't the first to tell me all this. Jack gave me quite a talking-to and said pretty much the same things."
"Jack? Jack who?"
"My… my roommate. That guy you saw at the apartment."
"Really? It's nice to know I have an ally in your camp."
"We are not at war, Gregg. I'm glad we got it all straightened out."
"Not as glad as I am. The question is, what are we going to do about it?"
"Pardon me? Do what about what?"
"Look, Janet, we both made great first impressions on each other. Then things got messed up because of a simple misunderstanding. But they don't have to stay messed up. Don't you think we deserve a second chance, both of us? What say we finally go out on a normal date?"
Her heart sank. "Oh Gregg… I don't know... It's been too long, and I – since then – "
"Oh no," he heaved a sigh. "I put my foot in it again. I shouldn't have assumed a girl like you would just be sitting around waiting for me to show up after all this time. You have a boyfriend, right?"
"No, I don't."
"What's the problem, then?"
"There is someone who – whom I – It's hard to explain."
"How hard can it be? There is a man in your life. Does that cover it?"
"Yes… and no. There is someone I want to be with, but it can't happen."
"Oh, I see. He's married. Or dating someone else. That's tough."
"He's not married. And he's dating casually. Not any one girl in particular. Nothing serious."
"Okay, let me get this straight. He's not taken, yet you are sure you have no chance with him? Is that what you are saying?"
"There are other obstacles. Besides, he's not interested in me."
"I find that hard to believe. But then there's no accounting for tastes. So, are you going to waste your life pining for that fool? Or are you going to take a chance on someone who is very interested in you and maybe get that guy out of your mind? It's your choice."
"You know what, Gregg? You are right. If you are willing to give us another chance, then so am I."
...
A few weeks later, she sat facing Gregg across a table.
"I am sorry, Janet. I should've listened to you. All this time, I've had a feeling that even when you are with me, you are not with me. There are two of us on a date, and yet I constantly feel like a third wheel."
"At least we gave it a try."
"Yes. But to continue like this wouldn't be fair to either of us."
"I agree. Sorry to be such a disappointment."
"You did warn me. May I ask you something? When we first met, you didn't yet know this guy, right?"
"I did. I just wasn't in as deep as I am now. There was still hope for me."
...
Gregg Halliday and his latte had moved over to her table.
"Fancy running into you like this…"
"Right. Of all the coffee joints in all the world…"
"How long has it been?.."
"Forever…"
Once they got all the platitudes out of the way, both fell silent, a dozen years' worth of catching up hanging in the air between them.
She automatically glanced at his left hand. No ring.
He noticed her noticing.
"Mine's a very common story these days. Nothing original. Marriage, kids, divorce. What about you? Something like that, too?"
"No. Not even close."
"Sorry. I shouldn't pry. But if you don't mind telling me – "
"I don't." Tears were already welling up in her eyes, ready to spill over. "He died."
"Oh my goodness. I am so sorry to hear that." He looked genuinely shaken. "I didn't mean to sound flippant. That is a real tragedy. What was it, cancer?"
She shook her head. "It was very sudden… He was here one moment, gone the next. I never had a chance to say goodbye…"
She dissolved into helpless sobs. Gregg placed the tips of his fingers on her hand and waited silently until the crying subsided. Then he picked up a paper napkin and gently dabbed at her face, drying her tears.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I've been crying my eyes out for months…"
"When did it happen?"
"It will soon be a year."
"You are nowhere near done grieving. There's no shame in that."
"I was in hospital for almost three months. Then went home to Indiana to stay with family and convalesce. I haven't even been back in L.A. that long. Don't have a clue where I go from here. I am seriously thinking about moving back home. This city is empty without Jack."
"Jack? Not your old roommate Jack?"
"I can't believe you remember his name after all these years."
"Let's just say I have a very selective memory. But I also remember you having a crush on some other guy who didn't love you back. So what happened? Did you end up settling for your roommate?"
"No! There was no other guy. It was just him all along." She pressed her hands to her cheeks.
It took Gregg a few beats to untangle this. "Your roommate was the guy who wasn't interested?"
"No. I mean, yes. I mean, it turned out he was interested. It just took forever for him to speak up. Or for me to hear. Or the other way around. Oh for goodness' sake, Gregg!"
"I am torturing you with all this grilling. Please forgive me." He touched her hand again.
"No, that's fine. If you really want to know…"
"I really do."
"We had eight good years together. And then…"
"Janet. For what it's worth, I am very sorry."
She nodded. They sat in silence for a while.
"Look, Janet, I need to get going. But there's something I want to say first. I remember calling him a fool once, many years ago. But you know who's the real fool in all this? I am. Because, believe it or not, I am going to ask you for a third chance. Except this time… this time it'll have to come from you. Here's my card. I know you are not ready now. Give me a call when you are. I'll be waiting."
"Gregg, haven't you heard a word I said? I don't even know if I am staying in L.A. I may decide to sell my apartment and move back to Indiana."
"You may or may not. At this point, neither of us knows. We'll just have to wait and see."
"I don't want you waiting for something that may never come."
"That'll be my problem. You hang on to my card. Call me when you are ready."
"You mean, if."
"When."
He got up to go, then leaned over and lightly, tenderly kissed the top of her head and walked out.
.
August 27, 2020