Esme is dancing around the house graciously, dusting specks visible to only highly sensitive vampire eyes, and ensuring that her house is spotless. Although the Cullens have hosted humans before, namely me, tomorrow will be the first time a human who isn't in on their secret will be staying overnight. My mom.
Charlie tried to convince Renee that she would be more comfortable with him, but she wants to spend as much time with me as possible before Edward & I go away to college. Edward suggested that we turn his old room into a guest room for them since we have our own cottage in the woods near the house.
We had so much fun moving his music collection last night and making fun of each other's odd choices, like Daft Punk, the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack and Edward's weird collection of disco hits that Emmett arrived just in time to thoroughly tease him about.
"Bella, dear, since you've been human the most recently, why don't you go through the house and see if anything is missing that would be weird for a normal family to not have?" Esme asked, pulling me out of my reminiscing with a giggle. This should be fun.
I started with the kitchen. Esme loves to cook for the wolves and my dad, so she has the essentials. She also has plenty of groceries since she must buy them for her huge family to keep up the human charade. "Um, maybe you should leave a few dirty dishes in the sink. Like a glass and some plates. It's a little hard to believe that a house full of teenagers would stay this spotless. And like what if we dirty something while the dishwasher is already running?"
"Of course! Brilliant, Bella. Good catch."
Then, I glanced around the living room. "It would be OK to make Renee think that you are a bit of a neat freak being a stay at home mom and all, but it would be more believable if there was a little clutter- "
"We got you lil sis!" yelled Emmett followed by his booming laugh as he kicked his shoes across the room, put a few game controllers on the coffee table, wiggled his eyebrows at me and then looked at Jasper. "Come on Jazz! Let's be teenage hellions like everyone thinks we are."
"Like everyone thinks you are." Jasper stated with a smile as he removed his socks and sat them just under the coffee table.
The guys took off into the kitchen with wicked grins. We could hear them going through the cabinets but could only catch random words through their laughter, such as "ketchup" "mustard" "splatter" and "disgusting."
"A little messy now boys! Don't ruin my kitchen or you will be the ones cleaning it!" Esme called through the doorway with the hint of a smile in her voice.
"Hey Alice?" I asked causing her to appear at my side in an instant. "It's obvious some teenage boys live here now. Can you maybe leave a few fashion magazines or catalogues on the coffee table? Things that it would make sense for you to own. Not lingerie catalogues at our age."
Alice darted upstairs and was back in an instant with some copies of Teen Vogue, Seventeen, and a few catalogues from brands I recognized from the mall in Seattle. She also had a few bottles of nail polish for good measure. "Perfect." I said noting my approval.
We agreed that it would be best to keep Carlisle's study locked under the ruse that he keeps confidential patient and research files to work from home sometimes. This is where most of our history is kept, including paintings depicting our un-aging state, some as old as the 1600s featuring Carlisle himself. We knew that mom wouldn't venture into the other teenager's rooms. For my mom's sake, we are pretending that Jasper & Emmett share one room and Rosalie and Alice the other.
With the kitchen and living room passing the human appearances test, I went into one of the bathrooms. Esme made sure that there was toilet paper. Even vampires like a nice shower sometimes, so there are plenty of towels, soaps, etc. "You will want to put out some toothbrushes, or at least have a few open ones in the drawer with some toothpaste. Humans should brush their teeth at least once or twice a day. Maybe smear a little toothpaste on a few and let it dry so they look used." Esme smiled at my observation and I can tell she is making a mental list to go to the store when we are done.
"Most humans keep cotton balls and swabs available for cleaning their face and such. You might also want to get a can or two of air freshener spray, especially with teenage boys in the house." Esme raised an eyebrow and giggled a little once Emmett and Jasper started laughing loudly downstairs at my observation.
"Um – Esme, you will also want to get a plunger for each bathroom." I would have blushed if I were human at the thought of discussing toilet habits with my vampire mom. She nodded but Emmett continued to laugh so loud that it was echoing off the tall ceilings. I barely caught Jasper asking, "What's a plunger?" and couldn't resist laughing myself.
Once the laughter settled and I rejoined the family in the living room, Jasper again asked "What's a plunger? I really don't know." Sending Emmett into guffaws and causing me to hide my face into Alice's shoulder.
"Dude, haven't you seen thousands of movies with me? Do you remember the one where the guy is at a girl's house after their first date and he clogs the toilet?" asked Emmett.
"Yeah, but I never really paid attention to the why. Why would you clog a toilet?"
"Jazz," I said "You don't intentionally clog a toilet. It happens when uh-" I wasn't sure what to say. It was so hard not to laugh.
"You all have to remember that I'm older than indoor plumbing. I need a little dumbing down here." said Jasper. "I could Google it I guess but this is way more fun! Your faces! For real, what's a plunger?"
I grabbed onto Alice and we both were holding each other and giggling. Esme was trying not to laugh but couldn't hide it, especially from Jasper. Emmett was the one to finally give an answer. "It's what happens when you drop a big turd and it is so massive that it won't flush and clogs the pipes. A plunger is a little bit of plastic or rubber on a stick that you use to push the turd down the pipes so it will flush."
"You touch the turd?!" Jasper asked shocked at the precise moment Edward, Jacob and Reenesme walked in from their morning hunt. Edward was laughing to the point he would have cried if he were human, having already read our minds to see what this was all about.
"Whose turds are you touching?" asked Jacob with a big smile.
"You guys just keep discussing turds all weekends. Maybe joke about farting a few times too. You'll pass as teenage boys with no trouble." I said as I took Reenesme's hand and walked out onto the porch to ask about her day, leaving everyone in the house laughing and discussing new jokes they could tell now that I had given them permission to be typical teenage boys. This should be an interesting weekend.