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Coffee Shops and Cameras
Chapter 32
If you'd have asked me 3 weeks ago what heartbreak felt like - I would have told you it was this all consuming pain that started in the chest and slowly moved to the rest of the body. As if the pain was killing off every nerve and rendering each limb useless. Things that made you smile no longer gave that same warm feeling, food didn't taste the same, songs stopped sounding so great, and the list of reasons to be happy seemed to get shorter and shorter as the minutes passed.
But now. If you asked me now what heartbreak felt like I wouldn't even begin to be able to describe it.
My body no longer felt like my own. My mind was completely disconnected from the rest of me, as if I were a ghost simply watching a form that looked like myself as it attempted to function and fail. Crumbling into pieces chunk by chunk.
The moment Kaoru's words sunk in, I felt the last remaining stitch that had been keeping me together just break, and suddenly I felt everything inside me ignite in blinding and agonizing pain.
Not only did I feel pain for myself, but now I felt pain for Hikaru. Now I felt hopeless. Because I hadn't lost the man I loved because he no longer loved me, I lost him because he loved me. He chose to sever ties with me to protect me, ignoring his own needs and feelings and only focusing on how he could keep me safe from something he knew would hurt me more in the long run. The hopelessness of that realization hurt more than anything else.
I wiped away the stray tear than began rolling down my cheek and looked back at the words carved on the grave stone in front of me.
"I wish you were here right now" I exhaled, "You'd tell me the right thing to do. Because honestly I don't have a goddamned clue anymore"
The motionless photo of my mother just stared back at me, smiling. I tried to imagine what she would say to me had she been here. Probably something plainly obvious that I'd shake my head at, even though it would have been the most logical answer. She was probably looking down at me right now frowning because of how ridiculous I was being. Here I was, sitting at the foot of my mother's grave in batman shorts and slippers, wiping tears away on the sleeve of an unwashed t shirt feeling sorry for myself. I was a mess. A pathetic mess.
I'd spent the last 2 hours since leaving the house trying to make sense of everything in my very fragile head. I could have stayed behind and talked it out with Kaoru, but honestly I could no longer look at his face without seeing Hikaru. Whatever the reason for Hikaru's actions, it didn't change any of the facts. Because the facts were that Seika still had the threat hanging over him and I, and Hikaru and I were still separated. Me knowing why had changed nothing. Not one little thing. I wasn't sure where to put those feelings now. Recently I'd found drowning them in the base of a whiskey bottle had taken the edge off, but now I had no idea what to do with all this fresh anger and pain. Aside from literally murdering Seika.
"How did I get myself into this Mom?" I took a deep breath and rested my chin in my hands, "A month ago I was complaining about rude customers at the coffee shop, how the hell did I get myself here?"
"Haruhi?"
I froze at the sound of my name, spoken in a deep voice that came from behind me. A voice I recognised but couldn't bare turn to face. My mouth went dry and my eyes filled with tears.
He was here. He was really here.
But how? And why?
My heart was hammering so loudly I almost missed the next words out of his mouth.
"Babydoll, I'm sorry" he croaked, his voice laced with despair, "This is all my fault"
I couldn't bring myself to lift my face from my palms. I just couldn't look at him, because I knew one glimpse would have broken me. Then I heard him drop to his knees behind me, and the feeling of his familiar safe arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me against him in an embrace I'd been dreaming about since the day he walked away.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he whispered to my ear between the soft peppering of kisses he planted on my cheek and the side of my neck, "I fucked everything up. I thought I was doing what was best, but I never wanted to hurt you like this". I felt my body relax against him, and I allowed myself to be pulled onto his lap, his arms caged around me protectively. My body moved instinctively as I wound my arms around his neck and buried my face into his chest, finally letting myself take the first deep and clear breath I'd managed in weeks.
"You should have told me" I whispered, so quietly that for a moment I wondered if he'd even heard me.
"I couldn't" he replied hopelessly, "I wanted to. I should have...I...I didn't think it would hurt you like this"
"How did you even know where I was?" I could hear how pathetic my voice sounded, but the longer I clung to him, the more complete I felt, as if each shattered piece of my heart were slowly clicking back together. I took another sobering breath.
"A hunch" his fingers began threading softly through my hair, "Kao and I had been walking around looking at every grave for almost 45 minutes trying to find you"
"Kaoru's here?"
"Who do you think came to find me?"
Slowly, I lifted my head, finally feeling brave enough to look at him. Even in the diminishing sunlight I could see how dull and tired his face had become since the last day I'd seen him. His hair was messier than usual, his eyes heavy and ringed with dark circles, and his jaw was sporting the results of 3 weeks without shaving. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in a lifetime.
"I didn't mean to worry him..." I breathed sadly.
"He knows" Hikaru replied, tucking my hair back behind my ear. His eyes swept down my face, taking their time studying every drained detail, from my reddened eyes to my dry lips, "He's sorry he told you"
I shook my head, "I'm glad he told me"
"You don't look glad..."
"No. It hurts like hell. But I'm glad I know"
He exhaled heavily, his gaze searching mine, "I'm sorry he was the one to tell you. It should have been me. I never should have put you two in that position" his lips brushed against my forehead, "I just didn't know what else to do. I still don't know what to do..."
"Then that's something we need to work out"
His head shook slowly, "If Seika finds out about this, she'll ruin you"
"Don't you think I should have a say? I know you did this to protect me, but its my life she's threatening to ruin. Shouldn't I have a part in deciding what's best for me?"
"Of course you should. But I'm still not going to let it happen, no matter what you say"
I huffed as a cold shiver shook across my body. Hikaru wrapped me up tighter.
"You're freezing" he mumbled into my hair, "Come home with me. We can talk somewhere warm"
"Dad's got me on suicide watch. If I don't come home he'll call the police"
"We'll call him from the house and give him an explanation" he replied as he began shrugging off his jacket. He draped it over my shoulders and swiftly zipped it up to my chin, "I think he deserves one too. Then you and I will talk. Even if it takes all night"
Dad barely understood what I was saying when I called him from the Hitachiin house. I gave him the abridged version of the events leading up to that moment. I told him all about Kaoru and what he'd found out, and how they had found me at Mom's grave. He wasn't happy with the situation, but he understood that Hikaru and I had things we needed to say to one another, so he didn't fight me to come home.
Yuzuha was confused when she saw me walk in through the front door with Hikaru's arm like a vice around my waist. She practically threw herself at us, tears in her eyes as she pleaded with her son for an explanation. Even though Kaoru had told me about Hikaru's change in attitude, I hadn't quite realised how bad he must have become over the last month. Yuzuha looked like a grieving mother as she let loose on her eldest son. She threw her arms around me and cradled me against her as if both giving and drawing strength between us. The twins did their best to console her, also giving her the explanation I had given to my own father. Eventually she calmed down enough to release me, her sadness streaming down her reddened cheeks as she held my face in her hands.
"What the hell did you do to them?" my voice shook as Hikaru closed the bedroom door behind him.
"I hurt them. As usual" he replied sadly. He turned to look at me, his arms folding over his chest. My gaze followed the movement of his arms and my eyebrows furrowed.
"Is that my t shirt?" I questioned in confusion as I settled my gaze on the AC/DC logo.
His cheeks flushed, "Yeah" he replied, "Don't worry, I'll have it washed and given back to you"
I shrugged, "No, keep it. It looks better on you anyway"
A small smile crept onto his face, "I can't say I agree with you on that"
I shifted from one foot to the other under his gaze. Why did it feel so awkward? It felt as if a lifetime had passed since I'd last been in this room. I tore my eyes away from him to follow the map of carnage surrounding me. The room was a mess. Not one surface was unaffected by the relentless drinking and smoking Hikaru seemed to have been indulging in. It was overwhelming to look at.
As if sensing my discomfort, Hikaru immediately began heaving the mess into an empty trash bag pulled from the bin. I did my best to re-make the bed, dragging the duvet off the floor and setting the pillows down at the headboard. After a few minutes the room felt less like a dump, and more like the room Hikaru and I had spent many nights wrapped up together. I breathed a sigh and sat on the edge of the mattress.
"Looks like you've been coping just as well as I have..." I exhaled, remembering all the bottles of whiskey I'd managed to get through over the last few weeks. Although no where near as many as Hikaru had seemed to knock back.
"Yeah...it's been rough" The mattress sank under his weight as he settled down beside me.
I'd thought I'd never be able to do this again. After the last time I'd seen him I'd assumed that would be it. The next time I expected to see him was in passing whilst I went about my work with Yuzuha. I hadn't expected to once again be sitting alone in his room beside him. I could feel the heat radiating off his body and my arms itched to reach out to him, to be pulled against him and forget about everything else.
As if he were thinking the same thing, he suddenly hooked his arms around my waist and closed the gap between us. His face dropped to the crook of my neck and he inhaled deeply with a contented sigh.
"I've missed you" he murmured, "So damn much"
I'd missed him too. I don't think I'd realised how much until I saw him again. I'd been trying so hard to hate him over the last few weeks that I didn't allow myself time to think about how much I missed hearing his voice. But there was something so uneasy about being with him again. Seika's threat was still hanging over us and just because we'd found our way back to one another didn't mean that his reason for leaving wasn't still present. We had to do something. Because I knew there was no way I'd be able to pull away from him again.
"What are we going to do?" I asked hesitantly.
He sighed again, "I honestly don't know"
"Well we need to come up with something. Because your original plan was shit"
He let out a chuckle that rumbled against my neck, "Yeah. Yeah it was"
We needed a new plan. One that completely eradicated Seika's hold over him. I knew Hikaru would do anything to stop her from selling stories about me. He'd been on the receiving end of her threats before and he suffered for it. It warmed me to know he would do anything to stop that same thing from happening to me. But not being together, and Hikaru not being able to fully embrace his career opportunities were no longer options. Really, they never should have been. There had to be another way. Surely we could press some sort of defamation of character charges or something? Before Mom passed away I had been aiming to follow in her footsteps, which meant I'd studied up on law practices. It may have been 10 years since then, but I still had some of that information stored somewhere in my head. Otherwise surely there was something else she wanted? Or maybe there was something we could counter her claim with?
"Where's your phone?" I asked.
He pulled his head away and frowned at me, " Haru...I don't want you to see those messages"
"And I don't want this woman dictating my life. I want to see what she's threatening and what her bullshit conditions are" I replied sternly, "We're fixing this together"
He frowned at me but slowly began to untangle his arms from around me. I watched as he made his way over to his dresser, he returned moments later, his phone outstretched to me. He reluctantly told me the code, and once typed it the screen lit up with hundreds of white notifications from the same phone number. My breath caught in my throat.
"Jesus Hika" I hissed, my thumb scrolling down across each message, "She's insane"
"It's been non-stop since that day...I've only answered to tell her to stop"
I hovered over some of the texts.
- Stop ignoring me.
- You knew what you agreed to. I can still release those stories.
- Answer my call.
- Fucking answer me!
My heart dropped into my stomach, "This is crazy"
Hikaru ran a hand through his hair and wooshed out a breath, "Her conditions were that I ended things with you, I didn't attempt to prove the stories she released on me were false, and that I checked in with her everyday so she could make sure I was following these rules" his words hitched, "But I can't stand to hear her fucking voice"
I shuffled closer to him, hoping that the closed gap would do something to alleviate some of his worries. I then began the long task of screen-shotting each and every message in his inbox.
"What are you doing?" he questioned.
"Saving evidence" I replied.
"Text messages can be faked babydoll"
"I know" I sighed, "But the more we have on her the better"
I continued clicking away, one after the other, until Hikaru's large hand wrapped around mine, pausing me in place. I looked up at him, noting the helpless look in his deep brown eyes.
"Hika?" I questioned.
"When I said we needed to talk. I didn't mean about Seika" he breathed, "Tomorrow we can work on how to fix all this. But right now I want to talk about us. There's a lot I need to say, and to apologise for..." slowly he pulled the phone from my limp fingers, his eyes trained on mine the whole time, "Okay?"
I could only nod slowly, overwhelmed by the emotions that seemed to be battling in his gaze.
I wrapped my arms around his neck as his hooked beneath my knees. I was pulled onto his lap and I went with him happily, his forehead resting against mine.
"I'm so sorry Haru" he exhaled, "I never meant to hurt you like that. What I said that day...I didn't mean a word of it. I need you to know that"
You were just a good fuck and a distraction...
I'd done nothing but think about those words since they'd left his lips.
"Haruhi I love you" he spoke softly, "and I was an idiot for not telling you sooner"
I felt my lips curl into a small smile and I cupped his cheeks in my hands. He looked back at me with so much longing and determination – it almost broke me.
"I love you too" I replied, "and I guess that makes us both idiots"
"I never want to lose you again. I know that makes me selfish, but I don't care. I'll do anything to make sure I never have to spend another night without you" his lips brushed against mine and my body surrendered itself to him. It had been too long. Way too long.
I clung to him, pouring everything I felt into that kiss.
No matter what was happening, no matter what Seika said. It didn't change the fact that there was no way I was going to give in to her without a fight. I was prepared to do whatever it took to stay with him. But all of that could wait until the morning. I hadn't had a reason to smile for weeks, and I wasn't going to ruin that with thoughts of her or what she'd put us through.
A giggle passed my lips suddenly, separating us as I grinned widely.
Hikaru gave a puzzled look, "What's funny?" he smirked.
I cupped his jaw in my hand, running my thumb over the prickly stubble that peppered his chin, "It tickles" I laughed.
"Oh?" he beamed, "You don't like it?"
"I wouldn't say that" I replied.
"I'll shave it, I'll grow it out, whatever you want babydoll"
"No" I smirked, "Not what I want. What you want" then I kissed him hard, and revelled in the feeling of his smile against my lips.